Strained Harmony ch2 is here!

[Sunshine Temple]

Trimatter and I have completed ch2 and the prereaders have gone over it.

So now the rest of you can read it.

Enjoy

Chapter Two: Changing Horizons

Chapter One can be found Here

Edit:
Since this seems to be a problem

"Me too" and "yay" posts are not allowed. Do not just post saying you're happy it updated. The rules are quite clear on requiring some substance to posts in this section.

[Kimina]

*deleted my text*

[Metroidvania]

hmm....Like the shared comment about how the fathers and Nabiki feed off each others drive to find Ranma, that works well.....and interesting to know that Ranma's set the cops on them, kind of a slightly odd tactic, IMO, but I suppose she doesn't want to stir everything back up by doing it herself....

Ranma was not embarrassed or flustered at this reminder of womanhood. Ranma seemed to have gone along with the jest without any problems.

(Shakes my head ruefully)

You two......

under-aged prostitution

I think underage can be one word.

She shrugged. She dressed nicer herself on that... outing with Setsuna.

I've noticed a couple examples of this, where the tense choice doesn't seem quite right.

For example, this could probably be, "she _had_ dressed nicer....

"Ranma's better at coordinating accessories?" Akane's mind whirled. " I knew she was starting to accept all this, but what in the world-"

My thoughts exactly....

And darned if Akane isn't displaying some intelligence here. ^_^

Nami said, her voice reflecting her raising spirits

This sounds awkward to me somehow....not sure of a fix, though.....

She could have swore it was around there somewhere.

Sworn, I believe.

Removing her glasses, Ranma smiled up at her 'Aunty'. "I'm Ranko," she said simply. She was amazed, but heartened. Changing her appearance so that no one could recognize her was one of her goals.

Was, or had been? Is the transformation still in process?

"Um... why thank you Aunty," Ranma gushed, honestly feeling happy about her mother's approval.

Usually, gushing doesn't take place in the same sentence as a large pause

I like Nami's reticience to ask too many questions now, it heightens Ranma's taste in friends.

"But you don't go anywhere Ranma, you're stuck with me to the end."

Pretty sure this should be Ranko.

gage their reactions; more importantly, she was gaging Ranma's reaction - or lack of. Ranma was behaving as if being in a woman's changing room was perfectly normal.

Gauge.

....guess not on that whole Ranko thing.

"Yes, I'm starting to understand what it's like to be more than a girl, to be a woman," Ranma plainly said as Akane covered her mouth to keep from openly laughing.

I would certainly agree....

Keiko said as she led them. Miss Ranma-chan always had such a wonderful fashion sense.

Is the second part a thought?

The only thing that kept the scene from being too surreal was the quantities that the redhead was ordering.

Nice line there....

.....Sunshine....how long is this?

Nodoka took a small magnifying glass from somewhere and examined the brooch closer.

That seems....a little weak. She just pulled it out of somewhere?

I think I'll cut this up into several posts, don't want this to get too long on me...

[Sunshine Temple]

Kimina as nice as it is that you like this story updating.

"Me too" and yay posts are not allowed.

You've been warned.

And now to someone who actually put in effort to their commentary.

Metroidvania


hmm....Like the shared comment about how the fathers and Nabiki feed off each others drive to find Ranma, that works well.....and interesting to know that Ranma's set the cops on them, kind of a slightly odd tactic, IMO, but I suppose she doesn't want to stir everything back up by doing it herself....

[Yes, and doesn't want to distract from the life she has now.

Ranma was not embarrassed or flustered at this reminder of womanhood. Ranma seemed to have gone along with the jest without any problems.

(Shakes my head ruefully)

You two......

[What?

under-aged prostitution

I think underage can be one word.

[It can.

She shrugged. She dressed nicer herself on that... outing with Setsuna.

I've noticed a couple examples of this, where the tense choice doesn't seem quite right.

For example, this could probably be, "she _had_ dressed nicer....

[agreed that's a better tense there

"Ranma's better at coordinating accessories?" Akane's mind whirled. " I knew she was starting to accept all this, but what in the world-"

My thoughts exactly....
[Ranma has lived as a nanny for a while.

And darned if Akane isn't displaying some intelligence here. ^_^
[Yah, she's not being reactive here.

Nami said, her voice reflecting her raising spirits

This sounds awkward to me somehow....not sure of a fix, though.....
[Yeah, dunno what fix either.

She could have swore it was around there somewhere.

Sworn, I believe.
[correct

Removing her glasses, Ranma smiled up at her 'Aunty'. "I'm Ranko," she said simply. She was amazed, but heartened. Changing her appearance so that no one could recognize her was one of her goals.

Was, or had been? Is the transformation still in process?
[had been
[she is changing, but for different reasins

"Um... why thank you Aunty," Ranma gushed, honestly feeling happy about her mother's approval.

Usually, gushing doesn't take place in the same sentence as a large pause
[yeah, I'll cut out the "um..."


I like Nami's reticience to ask too many questions now, it heightens Ranma's taste in friends.
[Thanks.
[It does show well who Ranma is with now, and that she has been friends with them for the better part of a year

gage their reactions; more importantly, she was gaging Ranma's reaction - or lack of. Ranma was behaving as if being in a woman's changing room was perfectly normal.

Gauge.
[yup

....guess not on that whole Ranko thing.
[yup

"Yes, I'm starting to understand what it's like to be more than a girl, to be a woman," Ranma plainly said as Akane covered her mouth to keep from openly laughing.

I would certainly agree....
[With the laughter?

Keiko said as she led them. Miss Ranma-chan always had such a wonderful fashion sense.

Is the second part a thought?
[Yes it should be.

The only thing that kept the scene from being too surreal was the quantities that the redhead was ordering.

Nice line there....
[She's still Ranma.

.....Sunshine....how long is this?
[same length as the previous chapter ^_^

Nodoka took a small magnifying glass from somewhere and examined the brooch closer.

That seems....a little weak. She just pulled it out of somewhere?
[I'll have her pull it out of her obi.

I think I'll cut this up into several posts, don't want this to get too long on me...
[cool.
[It is an immense work.

[I really appreciate you going through it. Corrections are up in v4d

[Metroidvania]

Akane looked around at the peaceful atmosphere and turned to Ranma who was delicately eating food that she seemed to enjoy a bit too much.

Long sentence here without and commas....and the bold section is another odd little bit, delicately eating, but enjoying too much? As in holding back from gorging, or to distance herself from the conversation?

Akane froze unsure what to do. She could swear she was seeing frost around the redhead. If not for the worrisome throbbing vein on Ranma's forehead she would wear the soul of ice was being tapped for this.

Throbbing...vein?.....odd that such a thing would appear in such otherwise icy control....

"You think it is all right to let... to let my mom live a lie?" Ranma asked with what was nearly mock horror .

A wee bit wordy here.....and why would mock horror have a nearly qualifier?

"I take my responsibilities seriously," Ranma sternly said.

Hmm.....would replied be better than said in this instance?

Was she seeing what a normal Ranma was like? A happy and cultured nanny? That could not be... but everything she had seen said otherwise.

Be careful of the normal qualifier here, though I have no problem with female Ranma, normal for him would have originally been a _guy_.

Heh...way to misguess, Nodoka....but I find the conversation between the two Saotome's to be one of the better confrontations I've read through thus far....

Though she had to worry about Nabiki stealing it.

Ugh, I know Nabiki's desperate, but that petty?

Again, nice with Nami and the friends angle.

Did it really matter anymore? Ranma did not feel like it did, and if so, would it be so bad to be stuck as a girl? At least that way she'd know for sure what she was instead of bouncing back and forth.

Hmm...odd conclusion to a revelation there, at least in my opinion....

Hotaru gushed. "Aunty! Come look at what Miss Ranma is wearing!"

...did Hotaru call Setsuna aunty in chapter 1? I don't remember it, and I'm thinking more along the lines of "mother"....

A bow was more traditional, but what Ranma did showed off more leg.

Odd little bit there, any specific reason it was included?

marital arts

Martial, I believe.

There done!"

Probably want a comma in there.

"I dunno, did you have to make me get a kimono?"

Odd for a refined Setsuna to be using slang like that...perhaps, "Oh, I don't know...."

Smiling, Hotaru agreed. "Okay."

Might want to show more deliberation on Hotaru's end, as-is, seems to 180 too quickly with her earlier insistence.

And ah, here comes the Senshi tie-in with the mirror.....

In Ranma's mind's eye, it looked more now like a window to some other realm than a mirror. Was what she saw real, a trick of the light, or was it a glimpse of big changes coming in the near future?

....maybe that last sentence is a little _too_ obvious?

well, there's another batch.

[Sunshine Temple]

Metrovidia

Akane looked around at the peaceful atmosphere and turned to Ranma who was delicately eating food that she seemed to enjoy a bit too much.

Long sentence here without and commas....and the bold section is another odd little bit, delicately eating, but enjoying too much? As in holding back from gorging, or to distance herself from the conversation?

[try this version
[[
Akane looked around at the peaceful atmosphere. She turned to Ranma who, even though she was eating delicately, seemed to enjoy her food a bit too much. ]]

Akane froze unsure what to do. She could swear she was seeing frost around the redhead. If not for the worrisome throbbing vein on Ranma's forehead she would wear the soul of ice was being tapped for this.

Throbbing...vein?.....odd that such a thing would appear in such otherwise icy control....

[It's quite possible for someone to have stress come out despite holding an even voice

"You think it is all right to let... to let my mom live a lie?" Ranma asked with what was nearly mock horror .

A wee bit wordy here.....and why would mock horror have a nearly qualifier?

[changed to "Ranma asked with mock horror."

"I take my responsibilities seriously," Ranma sternly said.

Hmm.....would replied be better than said in this instance?
[yeah it would

Was she seeing what a normal Ranma was like? A happy and cultured nanny? That could not be... but everything she had seen said otherwise.

Be careful of the normal qualifier here, though I have no problem with female Ranma, normal for him would have originally been a _guy_.
[maybe a stress-free Ranma

Heh...way to misguess, Nodoka....but I find the conversation between the two Saotome's to be one of the better confrontations I've read through thus far....
[Thanks.

Though she had to worry about Nabiki stealing it.

Ugh, I know Nabiki's desperate, but that petty?
[Actually, that's cannon. Nabiki's more petty, lazy, and opportunist. She's not one for big plans. Even in this case things just fell into her lap.

Again, nice with Nami and the friends angle.
[Thanks, it does help anchor Ranma as a "normal girl"
[which is very, very different from the simpering Ranko most female Ranma's end up as.

Did it really matter anymore? Ranma did not feel like it did, and if so, would it be so bad to be stuck as a girl? At least that way she'd know for sure what she was instead of bouncing back and forth.

Hmm...odd conclusion to a revelation there, at least in my opinion....
[Ranma wants stability

Hotaru gushed. "Aunty! Come look at what Miss Ranma is wearing!"

...did Hotaru call Setsuna aunty in chapter 1? I don't remember it, and I'm thinking more along the lines of "mother"....

[You are correct. It should be Setsuna Momma

A bow was more traditional, but what Ranma did showed off more leg.

Odd little bit there, any specific reason it was included?

[Ranma was being playful

marital arts

Martial, I believe.

[though I suppose Ranma could *try* to teach Hotaru marital arts....

There done!"

Probably want a comma in there.
[yup

"I dunno, did you have to make me get a kimono?"

Odd for a refined Setsuna to be using slang like that...perhaps, "Oh, I don't know...."

[yeah I'll change that and change get a kimono to buy

Smiling, Hotaru agreed. "Okay."

Might want to show more deliberation on Hotaru's end, as-is, seems to 180 too quickly with her earlier insistence.

[yeah I'll fix that
[[
A smile slowly grew on Hotaru's face "Oh, okay," she eventually agreed.
]]

And ah, here comes the Senshi tie-in with the mirror.....

[of course. I am co-writing this. Gotta have it

In Ranma's mind's eye, it looked more now like a window to some other realm than a mirror. Was what she saw real, a trick of the light, or was it a glimpse of big changes coming in the near future?

....maybe that last sentence is a little _too_ obvious?

[Ask that question again after reading the rest of the chapter.

well, there's another batch.

[sweet. Made the corrections, so up to v4e

[Kimina]

Ouch. Sorry I wasn't aware >.< Anyway I'm glad to see this story's not dead. The first chapter was written a while ago >.>

[Metroidvania]

Prince Arisugawa Memorial Park was not a large park, but it was one of modest size and had some nice out of the way spots where people could be relatively alone when in search for peace, quiet and a bit of nature.

Odd sentence here, long and wordy...perhaps take out the first "one", and a comma after modest size, and maybe a "they were" in between when and in, though the last might not be necessary.

expect that it was married to a disarming smirk;

except.

The older woman shrugged. Sniffing out lies and frauds was part of the job.

Ah, now I see where the appraiser angle comes in....

The owner is a fascinating young woman," Nodoka replied, paused, then continued. "A bit unstable though."

"Unstable? Ucchan was always a good... friend." Ranma paused to think over that. She had stayed more in contact with Akane while Uyko...

"What would you call a girl who spends years and years planning and training for revenge, only to fall hopelessly in love with the target of retribution?" Nodoka smiled happily. "I'm very pleased that my son's so very manly that he can change a girl's opinion like that."

So close.....and yet so far.

"So says a girl who's upbringing was shaped and twisted for one purpose. Could my husband not have been tricked into accepting a gift?"

What exactly is the first part referring to? Martial arts? and if so, what does that have to do with Genma's supposed obliviousness?

I love this cold, calculating Nodoka still maintaining her Genma worship, it's amusing.

"My son was there, but his memory might not be much better than poor Uyko

important " 's " missing there.

Ranma replied with a nod for empathize

emphasis.

...Well, either Genma's got some brains in this fic, or Nodoka's really misusing that intellect of hers...

Her mother was being reasoned, logical, understanding, but still wrong.

Being reasoned usually applies admitting concession, perhaps, being rational, also, add an "and" before understanding, I think.

"Not at all," Hotaru said in a distant voice as she swiveled her head and stared at Nodoka. "But you are keeping things discrete right?" Her hands clenched. "No one knows that you've been having these meetings correct?"

Comma after the end before both right, and correct....and I like the overprotective Hotaru angle, especially since she just learned of Ranma's true status....

Look you know he's not perfect. If he gets convicted?

Another place to argue a comma after look. And I like Ranma's desperation to pull something big out to convince her mother.....

Hotaru watched the older woman walk away. "So what's with your Aunty? Does she know her husband's a bad man?" she asked once Nodoka was out of earshot.

This seems to really contradict Hotaru's earlier newfound awareness of Ranma's situation, I think something may be out of place here.....

she concluded as she clenched her fist and drew it back, pausing to gather her strength, her fist shot forward and knocked on the door loudly.

Nice attempt at misdirection there.

as she had done over the last several months

Maybe change the "done" to "had been doing"

Ever since the kimono store Ranma had seemed... well one of the girls.

Hmm..... mayhap change this to, "Ranma had seemed.... well, like one of the girls"

Ranma having learned patience from dealing with Hotaru, she waited quietly for Akane to gather her thoughts.

Add a comma after Ranma, and stake out the "she".

"It's like the act is not an act anymore," Akane finally continued. "It's like you were never really a boy."

A little wordy here again, I think isn't would be okay for Akane to use....

“Maybe they have and you never realized it,” Ranma pointed out. “Did you ever wake up with your hair oddly refreshed

Hair oddly refreshed, or _feeling_ oddly refreshed?

and now Ryoga's been found out?....interesting, though I can't see the immediate relevance beyond that of Ranma not being bothered anymore...

it was fun to hear gossip especially when this nonsense was no longer happening to her

comma after gossip, and it is funny on Ranma's mind, I suppose....

"Bye Auntie," Hotaru said as she ran up and gave a hug for good measure.

Another auntie momma switch.

"and I'm worried to."

Too.

I'll cut this off now, one more should be enough, I think.

[Metroidvania]

Interesting that Setsuna couldn't transform.....psychological, or magical?

find Hotaru's aunt and uncle standing there.

Now, are they supposed to be aunt and uncle in this fic, or another set of surrogate parents?

she thought, then stopped in mid thought

Mid-thought, and...I'm not sure stopping in mid-thought is the right kind of term to use here.

I hope it is not as lame as the last one though

It's would probably fit better, and a comma after last.

....Something just struck me as an interesting and probably irrelevant sidenote....it would be interesting if Ranma was a dark variant of Hotaru? As evidenced by her sudden energy after the eclipse, when all the Senshi are apparently quite discomforted....

Oh," Nami said with a tinge of disappointment. Her friend really needed to learn how to date, someone as nice as Ranma shouldn't be without a boyfriend. "How is Hotaru doing?"

How caring of her.....despite ranma's reluctance to do so already....

"Aw man, more weird crap in my life," she concluded.

How utterly Ranma.

Upset tummy?" Setsuna asked softly as she sat on the edge of the furo.

ugh, don't think Setsuna would resort to kiddy talk there.

....interesting that Ranma would confess so instantaneously...I'm not saying it's out of place, what with all the trust you and Tri have built up, but there's a little something....(shrugs)

What!" Ranma half-shrieked. "I can't be. I just can't be."

Even if she's half-shrieking, I think there should be !!'s after the two can't be's....

"Pluto's not a planet," Saturn teased.

Odd place for that....though a little humor never hurts, I suppose...

Excellent plenty of time," Setsuna said pulling out her phone.

Comma after excellent.

....why the dumbing down of the backstory on the Senshi? Seems a litte unnecessary to me.....

..good growing experience for the inners....right....

Nanaba Mirror? You've seen it?"

Nanban?

"Now if you're willing to take your foot out of your mouth, there's much better things for there," Setsuna said as she lifted one of the pieces of fish Ranma cut.

Awkward talking in the first sentence...sorry, can't think of a fix...

Ranma was surprised with herself at how blase she was taking all of this... as if it was almost expected.

Heh...foreshadowing, just a little?

...okay.....just how much _can_ Ranma eat?

Aww, how cute it's a little family," Hotaru said as she was served one of the tiny birds.

.....cute? I guess I just can't see it...

....and is this going to be a steady thing, revelations over dinner?

..Hmm, all in all, nice chapter. I think that's all, at least, for now.

I like the pace, though it could be termed a mite bit sedate....and I can't help but keep wondering on Ranma's powers and the maid additions to the fuku.....especially if it seems to be there's more to this than accidental power sharing...

Keep up the great work, Sunny and Tri.

[B'man]

Quick grammar check from me:

"What I don't understand is why some of the girls chase after him," Nami said plainly.


"They have to see that there is something wrong with someone that old wanting them."

No change of speaker, so new paragraph isn't necessary.

[Sunshine Temple]

Prince Arisugawa Memorial Park was not a large park, but it was one of modest size and had some nice out of the way spots where people could be relatively alone when in search for peace, quiet and a bit of nature.

Odd sentence here, long and wordy...perhaps take out the first "one", and a comma after modest size, and maybe a "they were" in between when and in, though the last might not be necessary.

[that works

expect that it was married to a disarming smirk;

except.
[got it.

The older woman shrugged. Sniffing out lies and frauds was part of the job.

Ah, now I see where the appraiser angle comes in....
[Yup, quite fun.

The owner is a fascinating young woman," Nodoka replied, paused, then continued. "A bit unstable though."

"Unstable? Ucchan was always a good... friend." Ranma paused to think over that. She had stayed more in contact with Akane while Uyko...

"What would you call a girl who spends years and years planning and training for revenge, only to fall hopelessly in love with the target of retribution?" Nodoka smiled happily. "I'm very pleased that my son's so very manly that he can change a girl's opinion like that."

So close.....and yet so far.
[It did happy. Ranma called Ukyou cute, and Ukyou switched sides.

"So says a girl who's upbringing was shaped and twisted for one purpose. Could my husband not have been tricked into accepting a gift?"

What exactly is the first part referring to? Martial arts? and if so, what does that have to do with Genma's supposed obliviousness?

[[
"So says a girl who's upbringing was shaped and twisted for one purpose, revenge against my son and husband. How can we trust what she says? Could my husband not have been tricked into accepting a gift?" ]]

I love this cold, calculating Nodoka still maintaining her Genma worship, it's amusing.
[Wonderful. Tri and I wanted to do something new and fun.

"My son was there, but his memory might not be much better than poor Uyko

important " 's " missing there.
[got it

Ranma replied with a nod for empathize

emphasis.

...Well, either Genma's got some brains in this fic, or Nodoka's really misusing that intellect of hers...
[*evil laugh*

[She is a dedicated woman

Her mother was being reasoned, logical, understanding, but still wrong.

Being reasoned usually applies admitting concession, perhaps, being rational, also, add an "and" before understanding, I think.
[yeah rational works

"Not at all," Hotaru said in a distant voice as she swiveled her head and stared at Nodoka. "But you are keeping things discrete right?" Her hands clenched. "No one knows that you've been having these meetings correct?"

Comma after the end before both right, and correct....and I like the overprotective Hotaru angle, especially since she just learned of Ranma's true status....
[Very good.
[Yeah, Hotaru is very ctue.

Look you know he's not perfect. If he gets convicted?

Another place to argue a comma after look. And I like Ranma's desperation to pull something big out to convince her mother.....
[It is frustrating dealing with her.

Hotaru watched the older woman walk away. "So what's with your Aunty? Does she know her husband's a bad man?" she asked once Nodoka was out of earshot.

This seems to really contradict Hotaru's earlier newfound awareness of Ranma's situation, I think something may be out of place here.....

[try this instead
[[
Hotaru watched the older woman walk away. "So what's with your... Aunty? She knows her husband's a bad man, right?" she asked once Nodoka was out of earshot. ]]

she concluded as she clenched her fist and drew it back, pausing to gather her strength, her fist shot forward and knocked on the door loudly.

Nice attempt at misdirection there.
[heh

as she had done over the last several months

Maybe change the "done" to "had been doing"
[works better

Ever since the kimono store Ranma had seemed... well one of the girls.

Hmm..... mayhap change this to, "Ranma had seemed.... well, like one of the girls"
[more natural

Ranma having learned patience from dealing with Hotaru, she waited quietly for Akane to gather her thoughts.

Add a comma after Ranma, and stake out the "she".

"It's like the act is not an act anymore," Akane finally continued. "It's like you were never really a boy."

A little wordy here again, I think isn't would be okay for Akane to use....
[agreed

“Maybe they have and you never realized it,” Ranma pointed out. “Did you ever wake up with your hair oddly refreshed

Hair oddly refreshed, or _feeling_ oddly refreshed?

and now Ryoga's been found out?....interesting, though I can't see the immediate relevance beyond that of Ranma not being bothered anymore...
[It's more for Akane than Ranma

it was fun to hear gossip especially when this nonsense was no longer happening to her

comma after gossip, and it is funny on Ranma's mind, I suppose....
[Yup it is

"Bye Auntie," Hotaru said as she ran up and gave a hug for good measure.

Another auntie momma switch.
[and in the next paragraph it should be daughter.

"and I'm worried to."

Too.

I'll cut this off now, one more should be enough, I think.
[cool. Ahh here's the next one now


Interesting that Setsuna couldn't transform.....psychological, or magical?
[Magical, and Cannon too.

find Hotaru's aunt and uncle standing there.

Now, are they supposed to be aunt and uncle in this fic, or another set of surrogate parents?
[aunt and uncle. They aren't really close enough to be full surrogate parents

she thought, then stopped in mid thought

Mid-thought, and...I'm not sure stopping in mid-thought is the right kind of term to use here.
[suggestions on a better one

I hope it is not as lame as the last one though

It's would probably fit better, and a comma after last.
[comma after one you mean?

....Something just struck me as an interesting and probably irrelevant sidenote....it would be interesting if Ranma was a dark variant of Hotaru? As evidenced by her sudden energy after the eclipse, when all the Senshi are apparently quite discomforted....

[Dark variant? Hotaru's Sailor Saturn.... darker than that?

Oh," Nami said with a tinge of disappointment. Her friend really needed to learn how to date, someone as nice as Ranma shouldn't be without a boyfriend. "How is Hotaru doing?"

How caring of her.....despite ranma's reluctance to do so already....
[Heh, Nami does want Ranma to be happy

"Aw man, more weird crap in my life," she concluded.

How utterly Ranma.
[good good.

Upset tummy?" Setsuna asked softly as she sat on the edge of the furo.

ugh, don't think Setsuna would resort to kiddy talk there.
[yeah, even when being maternal to Hotaru she's still formal

....interesting that Ranma would confess so instantaneously...I'm not saying it's out of place, what with all the trust you and Tri have built up, but there's a little something....(shrugs)
[It shows Ranma trusts them. Not something normal for Ranma.

What!" Ranma half-shrieked. "I can't be. I just can't be."

Even if she's half-shrieking, I think there should be !!'s after the two can't be's....

[[
"What!" Ranma half-shrieked. Then her voice than calmed a bit. "I can't be. I just can't be." ]]

"Pluto's not a planet," Saturn teased.

Odd place for that....though a little humor never hurts, I suppose...
[It's true.

Excellent plenty of time," Setsuna said pulling out her phone.

Comma after excellent.

....why the dumbing down of the backstory on the Senshi? Seems a litte unnecessary to me.....
[dumbing down?
[We tried to have it briefed a bit.

..good growing experience for the inners....right....

Nanaba Mirror? You've seen it?"

Nanban?
[Cannon Object from Ranma 1/2. You shed a tear into, think of a time, and you can go there.

"Now if you're willing to take your foot out of your mouth, there's much better things for there," Setsuna said as she lifted one of the pieces of fish Ranma cut.

Awkward talking in the first sentence...sorry, can't think of a fix...

[[
"If you're willing to take your foot out of your mouth, there's much better things to put in there,"
]]

Ranma was surprised with herself at how blase she was taking all of this... as if it was almost expected.

Heh...foreshadowing, just a little?
[perhaps.

...okay.....just how much _can_ Ranma eat?
[Heh. Setsuna aims to find out

Aww, how cute it's a little family," Hotaru said as she was served one of the tiny birds.

.....cute? I guess I just can't see it...
[It's Hotaru.

....and is this going to be a steady thing, revelations over dinner?
[or at least ending chapters over diner.

..Hmm, all in all, nice chapter. I think that's all, at least, for now.
[Great.

I like the pace, though it could be termed a mite bit sedate....and I can't help but keep wondering on Ranma's powers and the maid additions to the fuku.....especially if it seems to be there's more to this than accidental power sharing...
[SH seems to be a bit sedate, but we're okay with that.

[Ah yes, Ranma's powers. That'll be real fun.


Keep up the great work, Sunny and Tri.
[Thank you, we really appreciate the corrections


B'man

Quick grammar check from me:
Quote:
"What I don't understand is why some of the girls chase after him," Nami said plainly.


"They have to see that there is something wrong with someone that old wanting them."


No change of speaker, so new paragraph isn't necessary.

[Good catch. Thanks.

[Tovath]

It seems to me that Ranma is a little too accepting of the fact that the two people he has been living with and has told many private things to have been keeping a important secret from him.

[B'man]

Nanban?
[Cannon Object from Ranma 1/2. You shed a tear into, think of a time, and you can go there.

Take a look at your original spelling, Sunny.


Still reading through:

"Hmm... too informal of an event for a Furisode," Etsuko muttered. "She would look great with those long sleeves," she then added.

Stuff like "she then added" isn't great when used to describe speech, as it turns the sentence into an object. Put it in front of the speech and you should see what I mean.

Try something along the lines of "She turned back to her customers. 'She would...'"

[Sunshine Temple]

Tovath
It seems to me that Ranma is a little too accepting of the fact that the two people he has been living with and has told many private things to have been keeping a important secret from him.

[Ranma had also been keeping an important secret from them, and still from Hotaru.
[Ranma can also see why the kept their superhero natures secret.

B'man

Nanban?
[Cannon Object from Ranma 1/2. You shed a tear into, think of a time, and you can go there.

Take a look at your original spelling, Sunny.

[oh dear. I'll correct that.


Still reading through:

"Hmm... too informal of an event for a Furisode," Etsuko muttered. "She would look great with those long sleeves," she then added.

Stuff like "she then added" isn't great when used to describe speech, as it turns the sentence into an object. Put it in front of the speech and you should see what I mean.

[yeah, I'll fix that

Try something along the lines of "She turned back to her customers. 'She would...'"

[yeah. I noticed a couple other spots that I fixed up too. Thanks

[Scratx-chan]

Two fixes that came up.

The total attention and focus in the young girls eyes would be almost frightening expect that it was married to a disarming smirk; the same type of smirk that was mirrored by her sparring partner.

expect -> except

Ranma smiled sleepily. "If not," Ranma paused to look at both women that flanked her. "I all ready have a family. Don't I?"

all ready -> already