The Return ch15

[Sunshine Temple]

Here it is Chapter 15 Retrograde and Remade Part 1
Link
Enjoy
And for after you finish reading, here's some fanart made by Pat
http://www.fukufics.com/viewtopic.php?t=1268
http://www.fukufics.com/viewtopic.php?t=1269

[deathgeonous]

Whoa. Some surpising stuff. You really do tell a good story. When will this be finaized and posted?

[Varda]

Interesting stuff... although after reading through it the first time I'm confused as all hell... I guess this requires closer examination.

[Metroidvania]

First off, what's with the format?
No spaces between the paragraphs is a bit hard to read continuously....

That she was stronger and more skilled than he ever was ameliorated things greatly. What Ranma put into the Art as a human paled before the efforts and accomplishments she made as a "overly affectionate demon mommy." Back then the Art was just for Ranma's use, now it was a family affair. It was integral to the brood's continued survival.

Using the drive for martial arts supremacy as justification, and furthering the drive to improve as a circular effect?
Interesting. Not sure how I feel about this one.

"Like you'd hold out on me tonight," Kasumi smirked, as she pulled the succubus closer, who then started to purr.

Hmm, Kasumi's getting a liitle bold....I don't remember any _real_ inclination of this in recent chapters, am I forgetting a key scene?

"Stubbornness is a family trait. Something my granddaughters seem to have too." Genma said as he walked out of the room. "Oh, remember what I told you about Kasumi."

Quite a change in Genma here as well, though I suppose most realizations come after consuming copious amounts of alcohol....
Hmm....IMO, the gun bit with Jacob and Nodoka dragged a little.

"If this succeeds, it is going to make Setsuna very upset, Mother." Nariko said with a bit too much innocence in her voice.

I don't understand the innocence part of this line.
Interesting attacks with the Brood.

Nodoka watched the impalement and explosion. "It's definitely cryogenic, and then rapidly sublimates and expands, looks highly flammable so it blows up."

Did you get this attack from Wolf's custom magical girl curse in the ideas forum, or beforehand?

"Possibly, though it has to be made at a radically different temperature and pressure. It does count as a red four on the NFPA 704." Nodoka noticed the blank looks. "That's a measure of how dangerous a chemical is. It's a diamond with a red, blue, and yellow sections. A four for the red means it will rapidly or completely vaporize at normal atmospheric pressure and temperature, or is readily dispersed in air and will burn readily. Also has a flashpoint below 23°C. Probably has a high reactivity, yellow, value too."
"So it'll ignite at room temperature?" Nabiki paused. "Couldn't it just be oxygen? That's very flammable," the short succubus noted.
"You're a species that can make orbs of complex hydrocarbons at will," Nodoka shrugged. "This is not too unusual."

Reading on, it seems to me like you mix Wolf's idea with mine of exploding oxygen......but that's just my thought.

"Oh-kay, ignoring Mina's desire to have a buzz-cut secret agent do her, we still have issues." Setsuna smirked at the blushes her statement caused.

Hmm, saucy Setsuna.....a relief for her irritation?
And coldly intellectual Ami...though I suspect this has more of a purpose beyond just getting the senshi motivated....

"Kinda. Misako and Ukyou are in the lab with one of her assistants, Agent Ayanami. She's a nice girl."

(shakes my head ruefully)
Any reason for this in particular?

"Oh my, I got a succubus angry at me." Kasumi laughed.

Probably the most out of place trademark "oh my" I've ever seen recently.

Ami shrugged. "She and some other explorers from around the same time as that DarkStar stuff, give or take a decade, went out on a trip beyond the solar system. Contact was lost. Nothing was found."

Ah, is this a possibility for explaining the constellation Senshi?
Hmm? Ami's turned again, eh?

Makoto wanted to forget the conversations about Mistress Nine's buttocks.

_That_ is a comedic line.
Oh, I see....Ami's got one of those twisted make you better by fighting you....how Ranma-like, only far darker and twisted.....for some reason, I get the foreshadowing that it's going to backfire in more ways than one....
Hmm, all in all, great chapter, quite big on the plot revelations. Personally, I think it may be just a bit much, but that's probably more my paranoia talking....

[Sunshine Temple]

First off, what's with the format?
No spaces between the paragraphs is a bit hard to read continuously....

Reload it, just fixed that

Using the drive for martial arts supremacy as justification, and furthering the drive to improve as a circular effect?
Interesting. Not sure how I feel about this one.

More that they need to be skilled to survive given the threats they face.

Hmm, Kasumi's getting a liitle bold....I don't remember any _real_ inclination of this in recent chapters, am I forgetting a key scene?

The scene in ch14 where Ranma would have seduced Kasumi, but the redhead came on too strong. That's the one

Quite a change in Genma here as well, though I suppose most realizations come after consuming copious amounts of alcohol....

Perhaps

I don't understand the innocence part of this line.

Nariko was playing inocent. as she sounded too inocnet.

Interesting attacks with the Brood.

Thanks

Did you get this attack from Wolf's custom magical girl curse in the ideas forum, or beforehand?
Reading on, it seems to me like you mix Wolf's idea with mine of exploding oxygen......but that's just my thought.

Nope. I did talk with Wolf some, but that was after I got the concept.
Nabiki is Sailor Yuki. Yuki-onna. Ice princess. And succubae also have fire attacks. So exploding ice.

Hmm, saucy Setsuna.....a relief for her irritation?

There's only so much she can take.

And coldly intellectual Ami...though I suspect this has more of a purpose beyond just getting the senshi motivated....

Oh?

(shakes my head ruefully)
Any reason for this in particular?

Any reason for what?

Probably the most out of place trademark "oh my" I've ever seen recently.

Heh

Ah, is this a possibility for explaining the constellation Senshi?

Hah! Oh you really shouldn't beleive that after the end of this chapter

Hmm? Ami's turned again, eh?

Again? Only other time it happened was in the Live Action.

_That_ is a comedic line.

It's what Minako's like

Oh, I see....Ami's got one of those twisted make you better by fighting you....how Ranma-like, only far darker and twisted.....for some reason, I get the foreshadowing that it's going to backfire in more ways than one....

Oh?

Hmm, all in all, great chapter, quite big on the plot revelations. Personally, I think it may be just a bit much, but that's probably more my paranoia talking....

Why? The Janet thing was intemently tied to the Mercury thing.
Thanks for commenting.

[Metroidvania]

Any reason for what?

"Kinda. Misako and Ukyou are in the lab with one of her assistants, Agent Ayanami. She's a nice girl."

Any reason for Ayanami? It made me think that a Rei-look alike is going to show up, unless my memory's really got some holes in it.

Again? Only other time it happened was in the Live Action.

Ah, must've been mixing canon-verses. My mistake.

Why? The Janet thing was intemently tied to the Mercury thing.

Not just the Janet thing, the succubae senshi finally arriving, Kasumi and Ranma, Genma's sensibility....
Perhaps a more accurate term would have been plot furthering.
Seems to me like there's a lot more actually _happening_ here, in a shorter period word/plot wise, that in some of your other chapters.

[Sunshine Temple]

Any reason for Ayanami? It made me think that a Rei-look alike is going to show up, unless my memory's really got some holes in it.

Well she is a repeating background character. Has been one of Nodoka's assitants since the start. And it's not the only time I use NGE names.

Ah, must've been mixing canon-verses. My mistake.

No prob

Not just the Janet thing, the succubae senshi finally arriving, Kasumi and Ranma, Genma's sensibility....
Perhaps a more accurate term would have been plot furthering.
Seems to me like there's a lot more actually _happening_ here, in a shorter period word/plot wise, that in some of your other chapters.

Well there were a mess of things that were bubbling up. And this is just when they managed to come up.
Thoughts on the revelation about Janet?

[Metroidvania]

Well there were a mess of things that were bubbling up. And this is just when they managed to come up.
Thoughts on the revelation about Janet

Actually, I had thought of Naru being Janet way back reading this on the Lost Library before I joined the board, but the thought went away after further reading.
I get that Ami was losing her temper and Janet/Naru stopped her from blowing her new role too quickly, but I think the Senshi would have been a _bit_ more concerned about Ami's not mincing words concerning their state of fitness, even if she does tie it into protecting Usagi....
On her revelations, I would've thought the rest of the Inners would have made a move to combat her earlier due to the recent deal with Usagi's near death with the group with the book.
They seem to just sit there watching Ranma and Ami banter while Janet stands still due to self-preservation about Ranma.....
I understand Ranma's not as concerned about either Ami or Janet, but judging from the speed she figures it out, and her partially shown "instincts" about Usagi (is that from the Earth, btw?), she'd be a little more....clean and done with it about the whole thing, especially with the attitude she's developing.....Though I suppose she's more than ready if something truly broke out.
Random Question: So, is Mercury's power up stronger than Eternal Sailor Moon?
Of course, Usagi's not going to hurt Ami at all due to her caring nature, but still...it'd be an interesting conflict to see if Usagi could pull off...
Oh, this just occurred to me. just who is in Rei's vision then, unless Ami somehow faked that.....
All in all it works well. There are more questions, but not too many as to turn the reader off, or too few and leave them with too much knowledge.

[Sunshine Temple]

Actually, I had thought of Naru being Janet way back reading this on the Lost Library before I joined the board, but the thought went away after further reading.
[good good.
I get that Ami was losing her temper and Janet/Naru stopped her from blowing her new role too quickly, but I think the Senshi would have been a _bit_ more concerned about Ami's not mincing words concerning their state of fitness, even if she does tie it into protecting Usagi....
[They were pretty concerned. Worried that Ami was working too hard.
On her revelations, I would've thought the rest of the Inners would have made a move to combat her earlier due to the recent deal with Usagi's near death with the group with the book.
[Well they were in shock, and Ami was ranting, when she transformed, that's when they noticed.
They seem to just sit there watching Ranma and Ami banter while Janet stands still due to self-preservation about Ranma.....
[heh
I understand Ranma's not as concerned about either Ami or Janet, but judging from the speed she figures it out, and her partially shown "instincts" about Usagi (is that from the Earth, btw?), she'd be a little more....clean and done with it about the whole thing, especially with the attitude she's developing.....Though I suppose she's more than ready if something truly broke out.
[Yup. Ranma's options are limited. And as long as Merc isn't a threat to her and her kind...
Random Question: So, is Mercury's power up stronger than Eternal Sailor Moon?
[heh. Not gonna answer that.
Of course, Usagi's not going to hurt Ami at all due to her caring nature, but still...it'd be an interesting conflict to see if Usagi could pull off...
[Yes it will.
Oh, this just occurred to me. just who is in Rei's vision then, unless Ami somehow faked that.....
[*heh*
All in all it works well. There are more questions, but not too many as to turn the reader off, or too few and leave them with too much knowledge.
[Good, that was my intention.

[tsukiakari]

YAY, new chapter!! I like it. Other than what has already been mentioned, I will admit to being a little confused by the query about Kasumi's willingness to be turned, course, Im tired and probably wasn't paying as much attention, I'm guessing it was that she did not wish to be turned.
I like the whole ice queen thing for Ami, that was pretty cool, thou it does beg the question, if the others can get to that level of transformation, what are their outfits made out of?
Good stuff, can't wait to see more of it, or Harmony, or perhaps Gen.
Oh, was that a reference to Hellsing with the Casull? Just curious.

[Sunshine Temple]

YAY, new chapter!! I like it. Other than what has already been mentioned, I will admit to being a little confused by the query about Kasumi's willingness to be turned, course, Im tired and probably wasn't paying as much attention, I'm guessing it was that she did not wish to be turned.

Yup, it was about her not wanting to be turned.
Glad you liked it.

I like the whole ice queen thing for Ami, that was pretty cool, thou it does beg the question, if the others can get to that level of transformation, what are their outfits made out of?

Here is a pic of her new look too. As for transformation, there were some special factors in Ami's.

Good stuff, can't wait to see more of it, or Harmony, or perhaps Gen.

Thanks. I really apreciate the comments. Keep it coming guys.

Oh, was that a reference to Hellsing with the Casull? Just curious.

Yes .454 Casull is a real bullet. It's similar to a longer .45 Colt. Some handguns are chambered for that round. Only revolvers in reality. Same with the S&W 500
So yes, that is a referance to Hellsing. Especially given the phrase "our friends across the pond"

[Solara]

How amusing... I thought you were going to release 15 and 16 together? What happened?
*goes on to explain everything in detail and ruins the story for everyone!
Sunny ends up married to Murdock!
Or not

[Sunshine Temple]

How amusing... I thought you were going to release 15 and 16 together? What happened?
*goes on to explain everything in detail and ruins the story for everyone!
Sunny ends up married to Murdock!
Or not

*pouts* Now I'm going to have to change it all.
*Sunny cries and deletes ch16*

[PCHeintz72]

I've been running a bit behind in my reading, but finally got to this.
Overall a very nice addition, I in particular liked the whole scene with Ami and Ranma. It was clear they ran the show, despite the fact it was for Usagi and the others that Ami did it.
I also liked the ending Stillwater/Jacob/Ranma conversation, though I cannot really picture Ranma drinking scotch, but then, with a different consitution it likely had little effect except to appear more sociable.
As for Nabiki, it was not stated, or if it was I did not catch it, have you decided which school she is going to. It the Jr. High it might make possible for issues later, since she would effectively be separated.
A couple minor items stood out

dairy

s/b 'diary'

"Interesting. You'd also have to consider what to make it out of,"

I think it should end on 'make out of it'
there were a couple other word isses, but can't remember where offhand, as I was strapped for time and did not note them down.
Plotwise, only one thing seemed to stick out as just slightly off. Ranma's mental growth and acceptance of his form, which took a leap forward last chapter, seems suddenly in the opening scene a order of magnitude even beyond that. It felt just a bit off to me, though not drastically so. Nor did it detract from a nice read.
As always, I look forward to more. This and 'On A Clear Day You Can See Forever' by M MacKinnon have always struck me as the most unusual and most well done AU varients of a Ranma and Sailor Moon story I've read. it is not just the characters and plot, but the whole story backdrop, and both you and him do them well.

[Sunshine Temple]

I've been running a bit behind in my reading, but finally got to this.

yay!

Overall a very nice addition, I in particular liked the whole scene with Ami and Ranma. It was clear they ran the show, despite the fact it was for Usagi and the others that Ami did it.

Thanks. Good put some real work into having the Ami and Naru thing.

I also liked the ending Stillwater/Jacob/Ranma conversation, though I cannot really picture Ranma drinking scotch, but then, with a different consitution it likely had little effect except to appear more sociable.

Indeed. One's not about to out drink a being with a metabolism like Ranma's

As for Nabiki, it was not stated, or if it was I did not catch it, have you decided which school she is going to. It the Jr. High it might make possible for issues later, since she would effectively be separated.

There's more on that when ch16 comes out

A couple minor items stood out
s/b 'diary'
I think it should end on 'make out of it'

Thanks, made both corrections to my master.

there were a couple other word isses, but can't remember where offhand, as I was strapped for time and did not note them down.

Shame

Plotwise, only one thing seemed to stick out as just slightly off. Ranma's mental growth and acceptance of his form, which took a leap forward last chapter, seems suddenly in the opening scene a order of magnitude even beyond that. It felt just a bit off to me, though not drastically so. Nor did it detract from a nice read.

Really? I thought she was already pretty dang acepting given the mom stuff. Though that was the first time Ranma was really introspective

As always, I look forward to more. This and 'On A Clear Day You Can See Forever' by M MacKinnon have always struck me as the most unusual and most well done AU varients of a Ranma and Sailor Moon story I've read. it is not just the characters and plot, but the whole story backdrop, and both you and him do them well.

Thank you very much. I really apreciate this.
You guys have no idea how much I value your inputs and coments. Thanks.