The NEW Fanfiction Quote Topic

Where stuff about fanfiction that doesn't fit into any other category goes. Try to make sure that new topics here actually couldn't actually go somewhere else.

Postby Atlan » Tue Apr 08, 2008 5:33 pm

Just then the front door opened and Shampoo came back from her delivery. "Great-grandmother! Great-grandmother!"

The force of her arrival made Cologne lose her concentration, and she fell to the floor with a 'thud'. Gathering herself, the elder shook her head. "What is it, Shampoo?"

"Great-grandmother... Shampoo turn into tentacle monster!"

Cologne stuttered. "W-W-WHAT?"

"See?" Shampoo raised her arms, and from underneath her armpits came thin, green tendrils that grew in length until they were long enough to touch the walls of the restaurant.

Cologne came closer and inspected the strange protrusions. "Those are... vines!"

"Yes, and look what Shampoo can make them do..." Shampoo looked at the vine coming out from under her right arm and made it sneak over to Mousse, who was just examining one of the onion sticks. Sneakily, the vine came up from behind him and suddenly, wrapped itself around his head.

"GAH!" he shouted. "My vision is gone! I'm blind!"

Shampoo giggled. "Stupid Mousse!" And she released him.

Cologne had watched the display with awe. "Most fascinating," she said again. "You have the ability to freely control them?"

Shampoo nodded. "You think Shampoo has to rape innocent virgins now?"



From 'It's a Pokemon World', by Shritistrang
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4185018/1/I ... _mon_World
The Banana, the Atheist's Nightmare:

God made it with a non-slip surface, a color coded system so we know when to eat it, and an easy open tab at the top of the banana. It's just the right shape for a mouth and is easy to digest!!
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Postby EdenB » Tue Apr 15, 2008 4:14 pm

“Shouldn’t having several thousand years of furry porn stuffed into my skull done massive brain damage?” Naruto deadpanned with a flat stare.


Vixens and Kitsune by Archangel N. Bloodraven.
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Postby Tovath » Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:47 pm

"Oh the tragedy!" Genma wailed. "My son giving birth!"
"Oh," Nodoka sighed. "My son is so manly that he has even impregnated himself."
Soun was merely wailing incoherently.
They all ignored the people staring at them (mostly Nodoka) strangely.



from "A New Life" by Thrythlind
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.”
-Hanlon's Razor

"Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much."
-Oscar Wilde

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Postby Not-Going-to-Tell » Thu May 01, 2008 5:10 pm

All from smash skits.
"Looks are only a factor for me! Being a heroic kind of character helps!" Link smugly stated. "I mean, I not only get Zelda, but I end up getting so many other girls along the way that trying to describe them all now would be a waste of time!" He stared at the angel. "I bet with your looks, the only girl who gets to hit you is your almighty Goddess Palutena!"

Pit looked down, his face a bright pink. "Sh-she does..."

Link looked wide-eyed, getting up and sitting beside the angel. He said quietly, "Did she touch you inappropriately?"

"Y-yes..." He started shuddering uncontrollably. "I mean, I don't not like what she does..."

"Well, serves you right for serving a Goddess who only wears a white stocking. Either wear two or wear none at all, ya crazy skank!"

Pit got up, and bashed Link upside the head with his bow. He finished eating and he left.

Diddy shook his head, and made a whip noise before going back to his own thing.


"Princess Peach, Princess Zelda, Samus Aran, Nana, and, why not, even Jigglypuff." Fox listed. "If it weren't for those five, we'd be nothing but a sausage party, with yaoi and slash trimmings up the front of this here turkey!"

"I agree. Why couldn't we get-a more women to join our group?"

"Are you kidding? Master Hand and even Sakurai-sama all probably have a strict list of requirements for women to be in Brawl."

"Yeah, all blond and-a princesses." Luigi joked. "With the exception of Samus... and-a Nana... and Jigglypuff."

"I think ours is a girl. Not too sure." Fox was unaware of Luigi's 'W-aTF there are boy Jigglypuffs?' expression. "If I were there, I would've put my on-again off-again girlfriend Krystal in here!"

R.O.B. was bored...

R.O.B. was listless...

R.O.B. was letting loose its irritance by repeatedly seeking out Ganondorf, and clamping him VERY HARD.

Even after it was punched away by the Lord of Evil, the ancient Nintendo peripheral kept at it. Simply, because it was bored. They stopped making games for the Robotic Operating Buddy for a LONG time, and when it can't play or do anything, it gets upset. And when it gets upset, people get HASSLED.

And only one person could help it. At least, he hoped he could.

"Wolf," Ness asked the anthromorphic mercenary. "Have you seen R.O.B. around here?"

He pointed at the end of the hall. "Over there, hassling Ganondorf like a pervert."

"Thanks!"

Ness ran and made it to the robot, who was repeatedly clamping the Gerudo Lord of Evil, hard and painfully.

"OW! OW! OW! OOOOOOHH I'M SORRY!" Ganondorf cried out loud, literally tears running down his carbon-colored face, as unbearable pressure, even for the Lord of all Evil, the ever-transcending king of terror, was crushing him hard in the groin. His voice was approaching a decibel that could make a castrati blush with embarrassment. Hey! Word of the day!

"Hey, R.O.B.!" Ness called out, getting the attention of the machine, and the much desired release of freedom for poor Ganondorf. Not often you'll get THAT in a sentence. "You got a minute?" The robot scooted over to the boy from Onett, its head nodding mechanically.

"OOOOOWWwwww... my baby reserves..." Ganondorf practically squeaked, weakly crawling to the office of Dr. Mario. "You'll pay for this, you assholic automaton!"

"You look like you need something to do, right R.O.B.?" The robot nodded again, waving its arms in circles. "A surefire way to cure your boredom is to get you interested in something. A hobby or a sport..." The eyes of the robot focused on Ness's bat, hung right on his back. It was gesturing an arm to it. "Oh, my bat? You want to hold it?" It nodded happily, well, as a Robotic Operating Buddy could. Ness handed him his trusty bat, and the robot immediately gripped it in its hands, spinning its arm body around, as if trying to get in tune with the bat. Its eyes smiled as if content. "See? You like the bat, huh--hey where are you going?" Ness saw that the robot had taken his bat, motored over to the still crawling Ganondorf, and proceeded to bat his 'softballs' repeatedly.

"OWWWW! WHYYYYYYYY?" Ganondorf wailed.

"NO! BAD R.O.B.!"

And the targets were once more returned to the back of the gallery, before they started unloading bullets into it. But before the last bullets were unloaded, the tiny little Robo, Ray MK I, flew straight into the gallery, triggering its "Shoot-em-up" Mode, and started unloading lasers and missiles all over the place. Isaac dashed back upstairs, while Shadow and Saki had to keep dodging left and right, to avoid any complete injuries.

The results came back: Saki and Shadow got three of their shots dead center, and three in the head center. Ray MK I had destroyed all the reserves of targets, as well as Saki and Shadow's pride.

Isaac only looked on, thinking to himself about the strange piece of nonsensical trivia he had seen earlier that day. In his mind, he recalled it with clarity.

"Chuck Norris once challenged Vin Diesel to an arm-wrestling contest. Mr. T won."
There are times for magic, there are time for martial arts, and there are times for giant Tiger-Dragon Robots that have both.
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Postby Neko- » Sun May 18, 2008 11:00 am

All from Oh My Evangelion by sentinel28. 6 chapters, and finished. I found it an entertaining read :)

Kazuo Futsuyuki walked quickly into Gendo Ikari’s office. "Commander?" Futsuyuki stopped, surprised. Gendo was straightening his tunic and his glasses, standing next to an overturned chair. "Sir, were you asleep?"

"Of course not," Gendo snapped. "My chair slipped out from under me…maintenance will have to look at that. It’s apparently broken, unless someone loosened the screws."

Futsuyuki seriously doubted that, mainly because he had thought he heard snoring coming from Gendo’s office just before the alarms went off.


"Yeah, yeah," Asuka said, ignoring Misato as she reached into one of the false buildings in Tokyo-3’s skyline. She brought out a gigantic assault rifle, capable of firing hypervelocity gauss slugs. Her eyes lit up like a demented child opening a Christmas present. "Ja, I’ve been a very good girl this year!" Asuka laughed. "Oh, YEAH! Come to Asuka!"


"Major Katsuragi," Mahato reported, "I think I’ve got the signal pinpointed for sure. The Angel is definitely human-sized."

"Great," Misato groused. "Well, at least there won’t be a big mess to clean up. Where is it?"

Mahato smiled. "Here’s a switch. I can give you an address."

"NERV is going to be paying someone’s insurance," Misato said. "What is it?"

Mahato read the address. "EVA-02, the Angel is at this address," Ritsuko said, then repeated Mahato’s words. "Prepare to open fire; let’s not take chances—"

"Like HELL you’ll open fire!" Misato shouted, her face pale.

Ritsuko whirled to face her. "What are you talking about, Major, this is an emergency—"

Misato grabbed Ritsuko’s lab coat. "That’s MY frigging address, Ritsuko! The damn Angel is in my apartment!"


Pen Pen went into a long solioquy which we will not recount here. (Too many warks.)


Gendo’s scowl deepened even further. "I could have walked down to the corner store, Yui," he said to himself. "It would have only taken a moment to buy the family planning kit, but nooo…"


Rei sat on her bed, naked except for a towel over her back. She was nude for three reasons: she had just taken a shower, she was in the privacy of her own apartment, and, as every otaku worth his or her manga collection knows, there must be fanservice even in a text-based parody.
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Postby Scooter » Mon May 19, 2008 9:12 pm

Don't know if this ever made it in, but...

From Chaos Factor, by Nemo Blank (Now with 100% more linkage!)

“Anything Goes ultimate technique! Fierce god assault shot!” Genma spread his arms and a youma instantly shattered into dust under the vacuum blade. More demons poured through the portal to replace the dead ones.

Tiring, Genma took a deep breath. “Oh, so do you demons want some more? Then have a Demon God Mad Dance!”

More youma shattered, destroyed as fast as they arrived as an angry Genma fired vacuum blade after vacuum blade straight into the portal. The stupid thing had opened right above them and the first and shortest lived youma had landed on their grocery bag full of sake bottles, deeply upsetting Soun.

Genma finally stepped back and fell into a defensive stance to rest.

Soun sobbed, heartbrokenly, ignoring everything as he stared at the sake soaking into the dust. It reminded him of life, and how fragile life was. His youth had soaked away into the dust of time, stolen away first by The Master and finally by the death of his beautiful Kimiko. Now he didn’t even have the gentle blessing of sake to help him forget. It was unendurable!

Prince Diamond emerged from the swirling space time portal, his cold eyes falling on the two ludicrous humans. He laughed, a deep, grating laugh. “Bow down and worship me little men and I may be inclined to consume you last.”

Rage blossomed through Soun. “Excuse me, sir, was that your creature that has crushed my sake?”

“All that live on this world are my creatures now, manling.” The demonic ‘prince’ grinned, contemplating the endless feast to come.

Genma glanced at his former training partner, broke out sweating and took a long, careful step back.

Soun narrowed furious eyes. “Sake is a holy substance, given man by the gods to help ease the sting of life! It is not for random crushing by stupid looking and ineffectual monsters! In the name of all drunkards, I WILL PUNISH YOU!”

“Eh?” The demon stepped back, eyes widening as Soun’s head elongated into a terrifying snout, complete with an array of demonically sharp glowing teeth.

“Fierce God Assault Shot!” Genma blew away the flanking youma and then dived away out of range as Soun finally snapped.

The demon head was glassy eyed and reeking of sake, but it still bit Prince Diamond in half without much effort.
Last edited by Scooter on Tue May 20, 2008 9:43 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby lwf58 » Tue May 20, 2008 8:37 am

Scooter wrote:Don't know if this ever made it in, but...

From Chaos Factor, by Nemo Blank


Where is the link?
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Postby Neko- » Tue May 20, 2008 12:07 pm

Where is the link?

Got edited, so the link is now there :)

Himitsu's hero :)

Glitch, by Black Dragon. Found here and here. Incomplete :(

Black Dragon, 17-year old super geek extraordinaire, sighed tiredly as he finished the latest chapter for his monthly fanfic update.
Looking over his work, he frowned slightly, scratching his chin.
“Something’s missing… hmmmmm… maybe a plot would help.” BD started scrolling down the numerous pages of inane rambling and frowned.
“Doesn’t look like there’s room for an actual plot… I’ll just add a scene with a mysterious evil overlord instead.” He did so. It didn’t help.
BD closed the application disgustedly. “No wonder self-inserts suck. How can an author be expected to worry about things like characterization, plot, and an entertaining and feasible storyline when he can run rampant and kill anyone he wants?”


When the blurriness spontaneously cleared, he knew something was wrong.
He felt lighter than air, as if he could float with sheer willpower. He felt tireless, as if the natural restrictions of a physical body no longer applied to him.
“Either I’ve survived a freak accident and mysteriously been given incredible super powers…” he speculated, “or… I’m dead.”
He looked down, to see his body lying on the floor, charred and bloody.
“Crap.”


he guide scratched his head. “Ah, hot water reverse curse, see?” He brought a hot kettle out from behind his back and started pouring it over Ranma’s head.
“Huh… I wonder if I can do that.” BD tried pulling a kettle out from behind his back, and somehow ended up with a lit bomb. “Whoa! I pulled off a happodaikarin!”


"What the bloody hell happened last night? You just drop the bucket on me, and now it's morning? That was what, two, three lines?"
Shampoo rolled her eyes tiredly. "You talk that again? What Author problem?"
"Seriously," he shouted, "I've gotta get a script or something! I don't know what the heck I'm even doing!"


He felt his momentum start to die, and twisted his head to look at the ground.
"Whoa! It's like looking at a city model or something! This is awesome!"
Then, he felt a slight sinking feeling as he started his descent.
"Okay... maybe this isn't that cool after all." BD's speed continued building as he plummeted downward.
"Actually... this kind of sucks." *Thwap!* The misplaced author winced as he smashed a small bird out of the sky. "You know, now would be an excellent time to start screaming like a little girl."
The decision made, BD started suiting actions to words.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa..."
*Gasp*
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
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Postby bissek » Sat May 24, 2008 1:04 pm

Nanoha v Voldemort from Pink, White, Devils, and Heros

"Who dares to interfere with me, Lord Voldimort?" came the sibilant voice of the robed man, "Muggle, what do you think you can do to me? Hit me with that ridiculous staff of yours?"

Nanoha stared at the man, with crimson eyes showing his total contempt of her. Holding her head up straight and staring directly into his eyes, she growled in a hard, cold voice, "I do not see where you get off calling me a muggle, whatever that is. I suggest you not insult Raising Heart. The results would be… unpleasant."

"Avada Kedavra," the stick wielding man cursed. A green beam of light leapt from his wand toward Nanoha.

"⎡Defensor⎦," came a mechanical voice originating from the jewel on Nanoha's staff. An undulating shield appeared in front of Nanoha. She expected this attack to bounce off or be absorbed. Instead it punched through. She was saved from being hit as it was refracted enough to miss her. The beam hit the floor and left a small hole with blackened edges. She realized her precarious position and decided not to find out what that light would do to her. She decided on her course of action, and called out, "Raising Heart, Divine Buster."

The mechanical voice replied, "⎡Divine Buster.⎦"

At this command a number of symbol packed arrays appeared. One was below her, containing a number of symbols contained in concentric circles and rectangles. Three more bands circled around the end of her staff, containing the pink energies being built. She positioned herself so that the child was out of the line of fire, and yelled, "Shoot!" The pink energy, released itself in an orgy of destruction.

During the power buildup, Voldemort cast a shield. It was a metal and oval shaped. He held it in front of himself, bracing for what he saw coming. The beam hit the shield. Unlike with Voldemort spell, this time the shield did not impede it. The Pink Beam of Doom™ hit him and detonated.


From the same fic, Nanoha's opinion on the proper punishment for child abuse:

Staring into space, Nanoha imagined what she would have liked to have seen done to the Dursleys.

The two heads of the Dursley family were lain out on their lawn. Mrs. Dursley had all of the bones of her extremities broken. Mr. Dursley had become bald from having his hair burnt off. His mustache was in patches, having portions forcibly removed. Both were smoking from the blasts Nanoha and Fate had so graciously provided them. Standing next to the two was Vita in her red uniform that she wore when Hayate first held the Book of Twilight, then in the corrupted form of the Book of Darkness. She held her armored device, Eisen, in its enlarged form, an enormous sledge hammer. She held it at the ready.

In two splashes, the heads of Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were splattered across the lawn as would a ripe melon. Their heads burst from the contact with Vita's hammer. With Vita's task done, Nanoha powers up her Starlight Breaker, using cartridges for power as there was not enough ambient magic. She points her staff at the former home of the Dursleys and calls out, "Starlight breaker, SHOOT!"

"Starlight Breaker… In 3. 2. 1," came from her device. At the end of the countdown, the pink blast of annihilation left a crater where the Dursleys' house and yard once existed.


Nanoha smiled at the girl, who had idolized her since Nanoha rescued her as a small child, and told her, "This is Harry. Fate and I rescued him on our last mission. He was orphaned before the Scaglietti affair, but I was ordered to let the local authorities handle it. I was sent to check up on him, and he was not being treated well. So Fate and I removed him from his Aunt and Uncle's house."

Subaru had force herself not to flinch at the evil look Nanoha was making. Subaru realized that the child's previous guardians must have done something really bad to set Nanoha off. While her captain was a trigger-happy maniac, she usually forgave offenders after a thorough blasting. For her to have not forgiven, and to still want to attack them, then they must have done something extremely offensive. She wondered where she can volunteer to join in on any future missions of castigation.

Fate, knowing Nanoha's facial tells, saw a familiar look coming from Subaru. She decided to head this off before an inter-dimensional incident happened.

"Subaru, we will not be going back to Harry's former guardians. So there are no plans to gather a chastisement team," Fate said, trying to head her off at the pass.

Nanoha's evil look intensified, and if one were to listen closely to her, you could almost think that Nanoha said, "That is what you think."
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Postby Comartemis » Tue May 27, 2008 3:22 pm

Fresh from Dark Titans chapter 27, Kasumi explains to Beast Boy why Ryouga and Raven aren't necessarily good for each other.

“Soooo,” he drawled over his shoulder, “What do you think of Raven and Ryouga, eh?”

The sounds of an unidentified vegetable being diced by a razor sharp blade rang out in rapid succession behind him for several seconds before he received an answer.

“I think they would make a . . . cute couple.” The answer sounded sincere, and Kasumi certainly wouldn’t lie to him. “However, it takes more than that to make a relationship work.”

He’d had this conversation a few times with Cyborg, since his buddy seemed to be of the same mind as Kasumi on the subject, though he never really explained his reason for thinking so. Beast Boy actually paused his game this time and spun around to face the Tendo woman as she continued to prepare the day’s lunch.

“What makes you say that? They both seem to like each other a lot, not to mention they’re two of the gloomiest people I know, so they got a lot in common, to boot.”

With great care, Kasumi laid the gleaming knife on the counter and turned to face him. A weak smile still adorned her lips, but it didn’t quite seem to reach her eyes.

“Garfield, sometimes having things in common is a good thing, but not necessarily all of the time. Sometimes it is the differences between two people that draw them closer together.”

He scratched his head at that, not quite sure what she meant.

“Sooo, you’re saying that Raven and Ryouga being alike is a bad thing?”

Kasumi let out a weary sigh.

“No, nothing like that. I believe their common traits would let them be good friends, but I’m not sure that they could make each other truly happy in . . . that way.”

‘Ahhhh . . .’ He raised an inquisitive finger . . .

“Ahhhh . . . you lost me.”

The brunette stared at him for a moment, incomprehension in her eyes. Again, Kasumi abandoned her culinary efforts and joined him on the couch. This time she actually walked around the piece of furniture to sit directly beside him and took one his hands in her own.

“Garfield, don’t feel bad for being confused. I’m doing a very poor job of explaining things. I don’t exactly have a lot of experience myself. However, let me try to explain it a different way.”

He nodded dumbly, doing everything in his power to stop himself from blushing at the sensation of her hands on his. Again, the lovely Tendo woman regained her genuine, caring smile, tilting her head to the side slightly. She seemed to think about something for several moments, before finally beginning to speak.

“Now, Garfield, imagine there are two people that really love pie-“

“Done!” Hey, this was an explanation that he could really relate to.

Kasumi shook her head in amusement before continuing.

“Now, if these two people go to a restaurant and order pie together, they would both enjoy the pie equally, enjoying what they had in common; that would make them both very happy, right?”

He nodded frantically. Been there, done that.

“Now, say there are two people that really hate pie-“

“That’s impossible!”

This time she glared at him mildly, prompting him, politely, to shut his trap.

“Now, let’s say that these two people went to that same restaurant and ordered dinner and got pie for desert. They would both refuse to eat the pie, and be equally unhappy with receiving the pie. Tell me, would the fact that they have a dislike for pie, together, make them happy at all?”

He thought about that, long and hard, and the answer was blatantly obvious.

“No, probably not. They’d probably both be complaining about the pie so much, that they wouldn’t be able to enjoy anything else . . . whoa . . .”

Kasumi giggled lightly. “I hope my example wasn’t too silly, but I think you’re starting to understand what I mean. Having something nice in common can be a very good thing, but having something negative in common might not be. Sometimes we need people that are different from us, if only so they can help balance us out. After all, if someone that hates pie goes for dinner with someone that likes pie and that happened, what do you think would be the result?”

The changeling let out a bark of excited laughter. “Ha! That’s an easy one! The person that hates pie would give it to the person that likes pie. That way they’d both get something they wanted, one of them would get more pie, and one of them would probably get a peck on the cheek for being so nice.”

At that moment, Beast Boy completely and utterly lost his battle against blushing as Kasumi leaned in and gave him a playful peck on the cheek. Before he even had the chance to regain any semblance of normalcy, the lovely Tendo woman rose to her feet and started to make her way back to the kitchen, light hearted giggles trailing behind her.

“I don’t think I could have put it better myself. Now, I hope you understand my thoughts, if only a bit, and know that it most certainly isn’t anything personal.”

Beast Boy nodded enthusiastically and gave her a quick thumbs up. “Sure thing, Kasumi. Now all we gotta do is figure out if Ryouga hates pie or not, so we can figure out who he likes!”

Kasumi’s world weary sigh was cut off by the whisk of the elevator door sliding open yet again. The rectangular sheets of metal slid apart to reveal the unusually cheerful face of Ryouga Hibiki, who then proceeded to stride into the room with an unusual spring in his step. A little on edge by the fact that there were now two people acting slightly odd this morning, Beast Boy asked the first question that came to mind.

“Hey, Ryo! Do you hate pie?”

Ryouga stopped in mid-springy-step to stare at him. A look of utter confusion flashed across the other fanged boy’s face, only to be replaced by a look of sheer disbelief.

“What? How could anyone possibly hate pie, Beast Boy?”

Kasumi’s hand rose up, as if she was about to say something, but then the young woman simply shook her head in helpless amusement and returned back to her work.
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Postby Metroidvania » Tue May 27, 2008 8:08 pm

Taken from A black comedy chapter 18, Harry of our world is trying to explain to a parallel version of his mother why a bond both of them feel doesn't make him her son.

Most I've ever laughed in an HP fic, btw. Even more so than Mr. Black by Rorsach's blot.

“Can I talk to you?” Lily asked softly. “Privately?”

Harry glanced over to see James was cringing while Albus was recounting an old prank of the Marauders. He motioned to Sirius that he was going to step out, before he answered Lily. “Yeah, sure.”

Lily stood and set her napkin down. “If you’ll excuse us for just a moment.”

Harry shrugged indicating he wasn’t sure what this was about and followed her out of the chamber and into the Headmaster’s office.

“Two things,” Lily began.

Harry looked at all the portraits pretending to be snoozing and interrupted her. “You mind if we go for a walk or something? I always feel like I’m in trouble with fifty or so old Headmasters watching me.”

Lily saw the portraits all turn away or huff, despite pretending to be asleep. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” She led him out the office and down the stairs. “Two things,” she began again. “First is… I’m not sure how to put this delicately so I’m just going to say it. Are you trying to bewitch me?”

Harry winced having expected this. “Nope. Not trying to bewitch you. Why do you ask?”

Lily led them down towards an empty classroom that had a view of the lake. She walked over to the open window where she could feel the evening breeze. “I don’t know. But you stir up all kinds of strange feelings inside me.”

Harry knew he was risking becoming a target for indoor lightning but still said, “You’re a married woman, Mrs. Potter.”

Lily frowned in irritation. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Harry continued wincing inwardly and asked, “How did you mean it then?”

Lily sighed and looked out the window. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve seen the way you act and you’re feeling it too.”

“I’m not sure what you’re-”

“A mother knows these things,” Lily interrupted him, not noticing Harry’s brief look of fear. “Raise a couple of kids and your bullshit detector will get finely honed.”

Harry quickly tried to mask his emotions when he realized Lily was speaking of her two children.

“This thing,” Lily said motioning between herself and Harry. “That you obviously don’t want to talk about. You know what it is?”

Harry was keeping his distance from her, hoping it would mute the effects. “I, uhh, I may have a theory.”

Lily looked at Harry. “Would you care to share this theory?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Tell me your theory.”

“Okay,” Harry conceded. “Well,” Harry knew she wasn’t his mother, but it still felt wrong outright lying to her. He was just hoping to not set off her bullshit detector. “I think it means… you’re a really good parent.”

“What?” Lily asked in confusion.

Harry swallowed the lump in his throat. “It means you’re very in touch with your maternal instincts or extrasensory perception. You’re very affectionate, caring, and understanding.”

“I’m a married woman, Lord Black,” Lily interrupted with a grin.

“Right,” Harry said feeling perfectly comfortable, just merely drowning in surreal guilt. “It’s this study… that I read… in some healer’s office.”

“Who?”

“Vandelay,” Harry answered immediately. “Art Vandelay.”

Lily nodded, storing the name in her memory. “I’ve never heard of Healer Vandelay.”

“Oh he’s not the… It wasn’t his office, I mean.” Harry was making nervous hand gestures. “He did the study that I read. And it was his research on magical bonds that… led to my theory.”

“I’m listening,” Lily urged.

“I don’t remember the exact wording,” Harry continued. “But the gist was that whenever a magical mother gives birth to a magical baby, the bonds of gestation remain in a unique magical connection.”

“Uh-huh,” Lily nodded.

“Yeah,” Harry said, finally accepting that he’d lied so much today that it really shouldn’t matter if he lied for the rest of the night. “It’s how witches know exactly what their babies need, when to feed them, all of that… it’s just a big magical umbilical cord.”

“Really,” Lily asked skeptically.

“Yup,” Harry said. “But it’s invisible. Undetectable even.” Harry was nodding more than was healthy. “Invisible and undetectable.”

“A great big invisible-”

“And undetectable,” Harry added in with a smile.

“And undetectable… magical umbilical cord.”

Harry nodded.

Lily briefly thought back to her first baby that was taken from her and tried to imagine what he would look like if he were still alive today. She was attempting to reconcile the image in her head with the young man across from her but she was unable. “Do you think I’m your mother?”

Harry shook his head vigorously. “No, no. You misunderstand. I wasn’t saying my great big invisible undetectable magical umbilical cord is connected to you. The point was… I mean…Part of Vandelay’s study was on how that bond deteriorates through time. He had a section that I found especially interesting on how orphans, separated from their parents at a young age, get that link severed, and for that reason it doesn’t deteriorate.”

“Okay,” Lily said, following this strange explanation.

“This is how many good parents, or mothers who have been mothers many times over, can just sense or spot an orphan.”

Lily nodded finding herself agreeing with this.

“I’ve been an orphan since I was one, so I’ve got this invisible magical umbilical cord flying and flailing all around me.”

“Is this like your arms thing?”

“Kind of,” Harry nodded. “But no. The arm thing is unique to me as far as I know. Orphans everywhere are just spraying invisible undetectable… orphan juice… all around them.”

Lily put a hand on Harry to stop him. “Do you need a hug?”

Harry was immensely grateful that she seemed to be buying this and was going to say no when his mouth opened and out came, “Okay.”

Harry sighed happily as Lily wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. He knew he didn’t deserve this considering the crock of shit he was feeding her, but he wasn’t going to pass on the opportunity.

Lily didn’t mind the foreign entity furiously writhing inside her so much and sat back in the windowsill. “So I’m just a really good parent?”

Harry felt happy that he’d stolen a hug and got right back into his lies. “Well yes and no.”

“Hmm?”

“Discussing my theory out loud just now,” Harry continued. “I’ve been refining it some. And I realized that severing the invisible and undetectable magical umbilical cord would go both ways.”

“Oh,” Lily said realizing where Harry was going.

Harry nodded. “And since you lost your son when he was so young and the bond was strong, you’ve got one flying and flailing around too. Spraying your own… juice.”

Lily’s face saddened as she was once again reminded of the child she lost.

“And I’m guessing having Sarah and Jimmy helped settle it down some, but it’ll probably always be there to some degree looking for… Harry.”

Lily looked over at Harry with tears in her eyes. “So you do feel it as well.”

Harry bit his lip and thought he’d mix in some truth. “I doubt what I feel is the same thing you do, but yeah, I feel it.”

“What does it feel like to you?” Lily asked earnestly.

Harry took a deep breath and admitted, “Whenever you’re near, or when I see you, I can’t help but to think about my own mother. And the life with her that I missed out on.”

“Oh you poor thing,” Lily said getting up and opening her arms. “Give me another hug.”

“Okay,” Harry softly agreed, embracing his near mother once more.

Lily let out a pleased sigh and wiped her eyes dry. “Come on. We should get back before they send out a search party.”

Harry got up and followed her out of the classroom and back towards the Headmaster’s office. “You said there were two things?”

“Hmm?”

“At the start, you said there were two things. What was the second?”

“Oh,” Lily said with a mischievous smile. “The other was that you have something in your teeth. Go like this.” She made a show of rubbing her front top incisors.

Harry did as she asked.

“You got it,” Lily agreed and resumed her walk towards the gargoyle guarding the stairs. She stood the side and waved Harry on the revolving staircase first. She followed behind him and just before Harry entered the side dining chamber Lily stopped him. “Oh and Harry?”

Harry stopped and turned to Lily.

“Someday,” Lily said with a firm nod. “I want the truth.” She patted Harry on the cheek and walked back into the dining area. “Sorry about that. Have we missed dessert?”
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Postby CRBWildcat » Tue May 27, 2008 10:26 pm

A few snippets from Earth Star's When Spells go Wrong:

"So, Lina what makes you thinks that Yugi is in Atlas City?" Tea asked, hoping it would clam down Lina. Thankfully it worked, for Lina took a deep breath and looked less dangerous.

"Well, seeing that Atlas City is the only city for miles, there's a good chance your friend will end up there."

"I guess that makes sense. I sure hope he and Yami are ok."

"Huh?" expressed Amelia. "You mean someone else is with Mr. Yugi?"

Tea nodded. "Doesn't that mean we're looking for two people?" asked Gourry.

"No, we're looking for one." Tristan replied.

There was an awkward silence. "WHAT?!"

"Hold it!" cried Lina "We're looking for your friend Yugi."

"Yeah." said Joey.

"But you said that this Yami guy is with him."

"Yeah."

"So, that means we are looking for two people."

"No. We're lookin' for one."

"WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND!"

Tea sighed. "Joey, you're making them confused." Tea turned to face Lina. "I'll explain it. You see, Yugi has a special item called the millennium puzzle."

"The what?"

"The millennium puzzle." Tea repeated. "You see in our world there was once a time when people played a dangerous game called the shadow games. They would battle each other with real magic and real monsters."

"What does that have to do with Yugi and Yami?" Lina asked.

"I am getting to that. Eventually the games grew out of control and almost destroyed the world."

"How were they stopped?" asked Amelia.

"That's when Yami comes in." explained Joey. "During that time, Yami was a Pharaoh. He sealed the shadow games by creating and using the millennium items."

"Let me guess, the millennium puzzle was one of the items." said Lina.

"Right." said Tea "But Yami also sealed his soul inside the puzzle. Then a thousand years later, Yugi's grandfather found it and gave it to Yugi. The puzzle was in pieces, but when Yugi solved it Yami went into Yugi's body."

"So what you're saying" stated Gourry "Is that Yugi has some ancient dead king spirit guy inside his body."

Tea sweat-dropped. "Uh...I guess that would be one way of putting it."


and:

While the boys were busy with their private conversation, Tea and Amelia cringed as the girls locked onto Filia's irritated expression with her eyes dangerously twitching a mile a minute. That could only end with one result. They were about to witness Filia bashing Xellos with her mace...again.

"Err...well thanks again for letting us stay the night Ms. Filia." Amelia said to distract the deranged dragon.

Filia quickly remembered her manners and turned to the princess, with her hands still twitching, ready to attack. "Oh...it was no problem. I hope you're able to find that book."

"Hopefully, it won't take us that long." said Zel. "That is as long as Lina doesn't get side tracked."

"What is that suppose to mean!" demanded Lina, glaring with fire in her eyes.

"You guys will come back sometime right?" piped Val. "Gourry promised to give me 5 piggyback rides."

The swordsman patted the child on the head. "Don't worry, we'll be back."

"And while they're gone." Xellos piped in, settling his hand on Val's shoulder. "I'll be here to keep you company."

"Oh no you won't!" Filia screeched at full volume. "The LAST thing Val needs is a bad influence like you!"

The priest popped opened an eye, with an amused smirk tugging at his lips. "And I suppose a selfish ex-priestess is a better influence?"

Once again, and not for the last time, Filia's anger snapped. She lifted her skirt, clutched her mace and got ready for battle. "DIE NAMAGOMI!" Filia cried, madly swinging her weapon and chasing the amused priest about the shop.

"Move to your left Mom!" Val instructed. "Now Right! Right!"

The others sweat-dropped. "Ok, I'm taking bets!" Joey announced, grabbing a pad of paper and a pencil. "Who wants to wager that Filia's gonna hit Xellos this round?"

The blonde was unable to write any bets, for Zel tugged at the teen's ear and dragged him along outside with the others trailing behind.
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Postby toa Lhikan » Sat May 31, 2008 3:40 pm

One of the funer parts of Red In Tooth And Claw.

Still badly shaken, Starbuck turned her gun on the newcomer and took her first good look: they stood a good head and shoulders above her. But where as she wore a modified flight-suit, the towering form before her was dressed head-to-toe in dark green armour with black and grey highlights and a golden, mirror like faceplate. Weapons were strapped across its body, adding to its imposing form.

Baltar's hands came round, and Starbuck saw that he was holding Winslow's dropped side-arm. He pulled the trigger, the gunshot muffled by the thin air and the insulating effects of her helmet. At such close range, it wasn't necessary for Baltar's aim to be good; the bullet struck the stranger just above its faceplate; it ricochet off of some unseen barrier, leaving a faint golden glow before expending its energy in the ceiling, embedding itself in the thick metal. Completely unharmed, the armour clad figure leaned forward until its faceplate was almost touching Baltar's helmet, until all the terrified scientist could see was his own distorted reflection in its golden surface.

“Boo!” The softly spoken word came over the radio loud and clear, the voice sounding like it had been gargling with gravel taken from the very depths of hell itself.

“DEMON!” The Vice-President shrieked in terror, before his eyes rolled back in their sockets and he passed out.

“I get that a lot.” The stranger looked round, ignoring the weapon Starbuck was pointing at him, and held out his hand, “Come with me if you want to live.”



And just one of the coolest parts so far.

Bother Cavil knelt down beside the shallow pool of glowing pink liquid that held the ships hybrid, searching for some insight amid her rambling monologue. While he didn't believe for a second, as the others did, that the hybrids had some link to the divine, it was possible that their link to the Basestar's data banks power allowed her to act as a super-processor, filtering out useful information that the others had missed. That said, most of what they said was unintelligible drivel and basic status reports. He wasn't even sure why they had to vocalise it all rather than just doing it.

“Cycling vents forty through fifty. Carbon dioxide scrubbers now operating at peek efficiency.” The hybrid looked up at the high ceiling with sightless eyes, “I don't care if it's God's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine, or a giant hola-hoop, we won't let them have it. Raiders docking bay-two; beginning refuelling and rearmament.”

“What do you see, out there in the darkness?” Cavil asked, leaning in as close as he dared, knowing that to touch a Hybrid except under the most extrema circumstance was still one of his people biggest taboos, “What do you think of this stranger on the Galactic? Is he truly from Earth?”

“We have come to a place far from home, time long passed since we have seen the sun rise.” The hybrid replied, seemingly unaware of his presence in the room, “A place where peace can finally come. A place where we can rest and laugh and sing and love once more.”

“Peace? Peace is the dream of the wise and the delusion of fools.” Cavil stood and shook his head, “I don't care what the others think; there's nothing to be gained from talking to you.” He strode towards the door, “We'll catch up with the Galactica, and when we do, this Spartan will die with all the rest.”

“There is a fault in the AE-35 unit: it will reach 100-percent failure in 72 hours unless replaced.” The hybrid turned her head to the side slightly as the door closed behind the other Cylon, “Were it so easy...”

"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all." -God... maybe.

Good and evil are a lot alike the counsel wars. Ware free will is like the 360 in that ever one has it, Good is like Wii because ever one wants to have, or be it, and evil is like the PS3 because they try to get every one to join them but rely their just trying to them selves justify it to them selves by trying to get you.
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Postby CRBWildcat » Mon Jun 02, 2008 12:21 pm

An amusing little segment from Marz1's The Truth Decays:

“Name?”

“Edward Elric.”

“Age?”

“Eighteen.”

“Really?”

“What’d’ya mean ‘really’?”

Masao shrugged. “I’d have thought thirteen.”

“Oh? And why is that?” Ed ground out between clenched teeth.

“No reason,” he said. “Place of birth?”

“Tanzuka.”

“You aren’t on the register for that town.”

“My father was too lazy to fill out the form.”

Ibiki stared intently at the security monitor. It was focused close up on the subject’s face. He’d seen a bit of honesty in that last statement. He supposed that could have something to do with the problem with authority, as well. He added that to his notes.

Father issues…

“Why were you carrying a fake I.D.?” Masao asked.

“Why’s it fake?”

“We had it checked out.”

“You have my wallet? What about the rest of my stuff?” Ed asked.

“A bag of yours was retrieved. I’m sure you’ll get it back when all of this is cleared up.”

“What about my arm?” Ed asked.

“I’m not certain what’s going on with that. You’ll probably have to take that up with the hospital staff. Have you left fire country to visit any other nations within the past five years?”

“No.”

The chunin ran through the other five pages of pointless questions. Ibiki was certain every word of response was a lie, but he perked up when the Akatsuki incident was finally mentioned. Ed’s version of events didn’t come close to matching the statements he’d received from Gai and the Uchiha brat.

“Let me get this straight,” Masao said. “You started a fight with 2 S-class missing nin, because they were ‘jerks’ and tried to cut the line for Dango?”

Ed nodded. “And they were dressed like idiots. It looked like they were wearing shower curtains. I had to say something.”

--

Goro flinched as Anko burst out laughing.

“Can I keep him?” she asked.
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Postby bissek » Mon Jun 02, 2008 7:12 pm

The story this quote is from is named (Appropriately enough) Overkill.

When she arrived there, however, she was surprised to see Second Division Commander Shen in place of the usual asshole. "Hello, Division Commander Mikami," he greeted. "I regret to inform you that Commander Huang had an unfortunate accident earlier today."

"Accident?"

"Yes. On his way home he apparently tripped on a Chihuahua and fell into a tank of piranhas. I hear that he might have survived had his struggles not disturbed the controls of a nearby crane and dropped a lit neon sign into the water."
Genius is 1.7% inspiration, 98.6% perspiration, and .4% poor math skills.
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