What the Koi Saw

[lograyvadisi]

ok, you guys helped me out a lot with sister, sister so i decided to ask for your help on my first story. here it is.
What the Koi saw
The youngest of the koi relaxed in the shallows waiting for Provider to come. Oldest-of-the-Old says Provider always came when the light came, and when the light went away. Provider had long dark coloring on it's head, and strangely colored skin that seemed to go all the way out of sight. Not like the Loud-One, or the Sad-One, or the Quiet-One. But Oldest-of-the-Old said Provider always brought the good food, and sometimes made the nice noises, even when the surface shimmered like the small crunchies were there but were not there. Ah, Provider comes. And here comes the good food.
What's this? There was a loud noise, and the water moved... Now something new is here. Wait, it's moving. It's another, like Provider. Will it give us food? No, this one gives us no food, like the rest. Maybe Provider will come again soon. The Red-One makes a loud noise, then the Red-One leaves us.
Something else is here... A big furry thing. Wait, it moves. Will it give us food? No, the Red-One makes a noise, then the Big-Furry leaves.
Soon the Red-One is again here with us. Maybe it has food? The Red-One makes a noise and leaves us quickly.
The light comes again, bringing Provider and food. Provider stays for a while, making pretty noises, then leaves.
Provider is doing something near. Is it time for the light to go away? No, but Provider is still there, making the pretty noises and doing something that makes the surface shimmer. Food? I'll nibble to find out. No, it's Provider, trailing it’s fins in the water. Provider looks at me, then leaves.
The light went away, and Provider came again. Provider brought the good food this time.
The light came back and Provider brought the good food again.
-Time passes-
The Provider came today, and made the pretty noises for a while. Then Provider left, and the Big-Furry and the Red-One played over us. The Provider made a loud noise, and both Big-Furry and Red-One fell in with us. They both left us, neither one of them leaving food for us. Maybe next time.
-Time passes-
The Loud-One came today, and the surface shimmered from the fins that Loud-One was placing in them. I nibble on them. Loud-One makes a bad noise and takes them out.
It is dark again. Provider came a while ago, and the food was good as usual. Now Red-One and another are playing over us. Red-One fell in a little while ago, and got out making noises.
It is light again, and Provider came again. Provider made the pretty noises for a while, then left. A little while later, Loud-One came home looking different. The coloring on Loud-One's head-fur was different. Instead of the long streak down Loud-One's back, it now only covered Loud-One's head, like the Quiet-One.
Today, Oldest-of-the-Old left us. Provider found Oldest-of-the-Old and Provider's face changed. Water fell from Provider and landed in the pond. Provider started making sad noises, then took Oldest-of-the-Old away. Provider shouldn't look like that.
Red-One came and got short right outside our pond. Red-One looked at us, then put a fin in the water. I went and nibbled on Red-One, and Red-One's face changed. Red-One made a happy noise, then left. Provider came again and fed us, then it was dark.
There is a new one in the water today. I am no longer Youngest, that is for our newest one. Today, I am Not-Youngest.
Loud-One is coming, and Loud-One is carrying something small and black in it's fins. Food, maybe? No, it's just Small-Thing, the thing we have seen wondering around on the rocks outside our water recently. Loud One always seems to fight Red-One when Red-One picks on Small-Thing. Maybe Small-Thing is Loud-One's baby, even though it doesn't really look like Loud-One.
I just noticed something different about Red-One. Red-One likes changing it's head-fur color. Many times I have seen it go from red to black when Provider gives it the water holder. I think I will rename Red-One to Red-Black-One.
It's dark. Provider came a while ago, and I don't see anyone. Wait, I see Red-Black-One on the High-Place again. Loud-One is going to be mad. Small-Thing is being chased by Red-Black-One. Red-Black-One has the water holder. They run across the High-Place. Then I see someone new on the High-Place. Red-Black-One hits the new one with the long black head-fur and knocks it off the High-Place. I blink and Red-Black-One is holding the new one in it's fins on the High-Place. I blink again and the new one is giving Red-Black-One something, then lets out a scary sound. I think it's name is Scary-Noise-One. Then they are all out of my sight.
-Time passes-
Today, Provider came and gave us a lot of good food. Provider made the pretty noises that made us all happy. After a while, Big-Furry went into the High-Place with a new one. The new one had long head-fur and really pretty coloring on it's body. The new one reminds me of something the Oldest-of-the-Old told me about once. The Oldest-of-the-Old called it a Big-Tooth-Always-Hungry. There were some loud noises from inside the High-Place. Loud-One came out of the High-Place and made some noises while hitting Not-Red-Black-One, then Big-Tooth chased Red-Black-one around the High-Place, sometimes jumping over us. A while later, Loud-One, Quiet-One, and Provider were looking around the edge of the High-Place.
-Time passes-
Provider came tonight and made it's pretty noises after giving us food. The light went away, then I heard a sad noise. Big-Tooth was making sad noises near our pond, and water fell from it's eyes.
Red-Black-One Ranma
Loud-One Akane
Quiet-One Nabiki
Provider-Kasumi
Sad-One Soun
Big-Furry Panda-Genma
Not-Big-Furry Human-Genma
Big-Tooth Shampoo PRECURSE
Dark-Eyes-with-Horns Gosenkugi
Small-Furry cat or Cat-form Shampoo
Big-Eyes-White-Fur Cologne
Scary-Noise-One Kodachi
Metal-Fin Ukyo
Dirty-Yellow Ryoga
High-Place house
Small-Tasty-Green and Tasty-Green bushes and trees
What the Koi saw 2
Today, we saw a new one. It had deep set eyes, had a stripe on it's head and had these strange glowing horns. Wait, what is it doing? Why is it holding a small one of it's own up to that Tasty-Green? Loud-One comes out and makes some noise at Dark-Eyes-with-Horns, then Red-Black-One makes loud noises by Dark-Eyes-with-Horns.
-Time passes-
Red-Black-One played outside the High-Place today. He made a loud noise after reaching into the Small-Tasty-Green, then fell over with a Small-Furry on it's chest. Not-Big-Furry threw water on Red-Black-One, then made loud noises. Then Not-Big-Furry held Small-Furry up, and Red-Black-One jumped on Sad-One. I hope Provider comes soon.
-Time passes-
It is dark. Provider came a while ago. The High-Place is dark. But something is watching us from the edge of the water. It's Big-Tooth! I'm scared, but Big-Tooth just watches us, then left.
-Time Passes-
Provider came with good food today, but made sad noises... Where is the happy noise? Provider waves it's fins in the water for a while, then goes into the High-Place.
Oh look. Red-Black-One is making the Hot-Glow by our water. What is it doing? It's putting something in the Hot-Glow, then taking it out, real fast... Why is it doing that? And what is that thing beside Red-Black-One. It's got big eyes and long white fur... Oh, now Big-Eyes-White-fur is looking at the Hot-Glow, too.
It's dark now. Provider gave us the good food, then put something else in the water.. Look! Provider brought us more Youngest... Wait, these are not Youngest, these are different. They are small, like our Youngest, but they say they are old.
It's light now. Provider gave us a lot of Good food today, then made some sad noises. Then the high place got quiet.
It's dark now... Where is Provider? It's been dark awhile. Where is the good food? Oh, there is Provider. Provider is making the sad noises again. Why is Provider making sad noises? Where are the happy noises?

-Time passes-
The High-Place seems quieter now that there is only Sad-One, Provider, and Quiet-One in it. Quiet-One was near our water during most of the light time. Quiet-One was laying under the Big-Light and not moving.
-Time passes-
The light came again, and brought Provider with the good food. After that, Not-Big-Furry and Red-Black-One were playing over our water, then Big-Furry and Red-Black-One were leaving our water As they were leaving our water, Big-Furry hurt one of our Youngest. One of these days I will bite Big-Furry for it.
-Time passes-
There is a strange thing looking at us today. It is kind of like Big-Eyes-White-Fur, but without the white fur... It looks old... I wonder if it knew Oldest-of-the-Old? Before I can wonder more, Red-Black-One is in the water again. The splash from the entry causes a few of our Youngest, and a Not-Youngest to be thrown from the water. Unlike when Big-Furry comes, Red-Black-One stooped and put them carefully back in the pond. Then it made a small happy noise, and ran back into the High-Place.
AN Red-Black-One Ranma
Loud-One Akane
Quiet-One Nabiki
Provider Kasumi
Sad-One Soun
Big-Furry Panda-Genma
Not-Big-Furry Human-Genma
Big-Tooth Shampoo PRECURSE
Dark-Eyes-with-Horns Gosenkugi
Small-Furry cat or Cat-form Shampoo
Big-Eyes-White-Fur Cologne
Scary-Noise-One Kodachi
Metal-Fin Ukyo
Dirty-Yellow Ryoga
High-Place house
Small-Tasty-Green and Tasty-Green bushes and trees
What the Koi saw 3
Today, Loud-One fed us instead of Provider. Loud-One was making sad noises. Loud-One was dark today, instead of Bright like the Sky-Light. Loud-One, Provider, Sad-One, and Quiet-One were gone for most of the day. Not-Big-Furry, Big-Furry, and Red-Black-One played over us today. I still want to bite Big-Furry, though.
-Time Passes-
Tonight, Loud-One and Red-Black-One were on the High-Place making loud noises. Older says they act like a mated pair... What does that mean? I think they are just acting like Youngest.
-Time Passes-
This morning, when Provider fed us, it made the sad noises again, and the water rippled, without water falling into it. Why does Provider not make the happy noises anymore?
-Time Passes-
Today, Red-Black-One got short outside our pond making quiet noises with Old-Big-Eyes. They were holding things in Hot-Glow. Then Sad-One made the big-head-thing happen. It was so scary, we all hid and didn't come out even when Provider brought us the good food.
-Time Passes-
Tonight, Provider came out and got short by our water. It's been a long while since she made the happy sounds. Why doesn't she make the happy sounds anymore? Did we do something wrong? Some of our Youngest asked me today about Provider. None of them have ever heard Provider's happy song. They want to know what it's like. I told them that there is nothing that could compare to Providers happy sounds when we are eating the good food.
-Time Passes-
Today, Red-Black-One held Dirty-Yellow over our water for a few minutes while making noises. Then Red-Black-One fell in and Dirty-Yellow fell in, too. It fell right beside me. Red-Black-One got hit in the head by Dirty-Yellow, then Red-Black-One hit Dirty-Yellow with a rock. Then Dirty-Yellow got tall, and stepped on one of our Youngest. I actually bit Dirty-Yellow for it, but it didn't seem to notice. Red-Black-One stayed in the water with us for a while. Maybe it wants to stay?
Then Red-Black-One noticed the hurt Youngest and got out of the water real fast. Red-Black-One went into the High-Place, then Provider came out looking real sad. Provider made loud noises at Red-Black-One, then carefully took our Youngest away. Provider made a few small happy sounds, so we relaxed a bit.
-Time Passes-
Red-Black-One fed us the good food today, then got short and started making the sad noises to us. Why did Red-Black-One do this? And when is Provider going to bring back our Youngest?
-Time Passes-
Red-Black-One made the Hot-Glow today and made loud noises at Old-Big-Eyes. Old-Big-Eyes just made a few quiet happy noises, and Red-Black-One looked really sad.
After Provider brought us the good food at dark, Red-Black-One came back making crazy sounds and hitting things with his fins. Red-Black-One hit things with his fins for many days.
-Time Passes-
It is dark-time and there are many loud noises coming from the High-Place. Then a big Small-Furry landed by our water. Then Red-Black-One hit it with a fin, and the big Small-Furry disappeared. Provider fed us the good food when the Sky-Light appeared, then made a few happy noises. The few remaining Youngest were entranced by the pretty sounds. Then Provider did it again when the Sky-Light left. I think maybe the sad sounds are gone.
-Time Passes-
Tonight, the big Small-Furry came again. It looked at us with hungry eyes, but went into the High-Place. It was rather scary. Then Big-Tooth hit a shiny round thing with it's lower fin. After that, Big-Tooth hit Red-Black-One with a fin, and knocked Red-Black-One into our water. It did not hurt any of our few Youngest, but Red-Black-One did land on one of our Elders. Then the big Small-Furry made a really loud noise at Red-Black-One and picked Red-Black-One up out of the water. The big Small-Furry licked Red-Black-One. Red-Black-One started acting strange, kind of like a crazy Small-Furry. Then the big Small-Furry disappeared.
Red-Black-One Ranma
Loud-One Akane
Quiet-One Nabiki
Provider Kasumi
Sad-One Soun
Big-Furry Panda-Genma
Not-Big-Furry Human-Genma
Big-Tooth Shampoo PRECURSE
Dark-Eyes-with-Horns Gosenkugi
Small-Furry cat or Cat-form Shampoo
Big-Eyes-White-Fur Cologne
Scary-Noise-One Kodachi
Metal-Fin Ukyo
Dirty-Yellow Ryoga
High-Place house
Small-Tasty-Green and Tasty-Green bushes and trees
What the Koi saw 4
Today, Provider brought the good food, but did not bring the happy noises. We are all beginning to worry about Provider.
-Time Passes-
Tonight, after Provider brought the good food, Red-Black-One and Loud-One were on the side of the High-Place making noises. Then Quiet-One came out and made noises, too. Then Loud-One hit the High-Place with it's fin. There was a very loud noise, then they all fell. Loud-One landed in a Tasty-Green, then fell again. A few minutes later, Loud-One let out a really loud noise.
-Time Passes-
Loud-One and Red-Black-One have been spending no time together. Our Elders say it's because Loud-One hates Red-Black-One now. I have seen Red-Black-One and Quiet-One sitting quietly together at the edge of our water. Red-Black-One looked scared, but Quiet-One looked happy. Loud-One was on the High-Place looking down and crying. Oh, and Provider is making the happy noises when she brings the good food now.
-Time Passes-
Provider brought us the good food this morning, but didn't make the happy noises or the sad noises. Provider looked almost like one of us after Big-Furry or Red-Black-One fell on one of us. Provider is looking at us and trailing it's fins in the water. I go to nibble on them and Provider's face changes. Elder comes over and looks up behind Provider, then at me. He then swims away, shaking his head. I look back out of the water and see Big-Eyes-White-Fur on the High-Place looking down into the water... It seems to be watching elder and me. Why is it so interested in Elder? It hops down beside provider and makes some noises at Provider.
-Time Passes-
Big-Eyes-White-Fur came back tonight. It got small at the edge of our water, and trailed it's fin in the water. Then it looked at us, it's eyes looking strange. Elder told us to hide, then went up to Big-Eyes-White-Fur. Elder said something, then a strange voice I had never heard before answered it. I peeked around the edge of the rock I was hiding behind, and saw that elder was speaking to Big-Eyes-White-Fur... And it was answering! This is strange. We were always told that we were the only ones that could speak, and that the outsiders couldn't talk. Elder spoke some more with Big-Eyes-White-Fur. It said something to Elder, and pointed towards the rock I was peeking around. Elder turned towards me and called out to me. I slowly swam around the edge of the rock towards him, and heard a loud, happy noise coming from Big-Eyes-White-Fur. It's face changed, then it carefully reached a fin into the water towards me. I swam towards it, and Big-Eyes-White-Fur touched me on the forehead.
For a moment, everything got dark. Then the Night-Visions began. I saw this really big water, stretching as far as I could see. There were many Youngests, and Youngs, and Olds, and Elders... Was there an Oldest-of-the-Old here? I could not see one, but with so many here, there had to be. Then I saw a strange thing. It looked like Provider, but it's back fins were like mine, not like those Provider had. It also had long green hair, like the Tasty-Greens around the water where I lived. It swam in the water with us, and made happy noises. Then I noticed that I could understand the happy noises! Then I saw Not-Provider struggling, and it was lifted out of the water, onto a Not-Land.
I swam up to the surface to try to help Not-Provider... and saw Sad-One, Not-Big-Furry, and Old-Big-Eyes! They were pulling on something, and Not-Provider was stuck on the edge of the Not-Land. Not-Provider looked at me sadly.
Then the Night-Vision was over. Big-Eyes-White-Fur said something to Elder, and he guided me away. Who was Not-Provider, and why did she look so much like Provider?
-Time Passes-
Today, Provider came out with the good food. It looked straight at me, and for a moment, I thought I saw Not-Provider instead of Provider. Provider reached it's fin into the water, and made some sad noises. Then Provider looked straight at me, and I swam over to Provider. It reached a fin out, and for the first time, it touched me, instead of me just nibbling on it's fin. It made some more sad noises, then went back into the High-Place.
Red-Black-One Ranma
Loud-One Akane
Quiet-One Nabiki
Provider Kasumi
Sad-One Soun
Big-Furry Panda-Genma
Not-Big-Furry Human-Genma
Big-Tooth Shampoo PRECURSE
Dark-Eyes-with-Horns Gosenkugi
Small-Furry cat or Cat-form Shampoo
Big-Eyes-White-Fur Cologne
Scary-Noise-One Kodachi
Metal-Fin Ukyo
Dirty-Yellow Ryoga
High-Place house
Small-Tasty-Green and Tasty-Green bushes and trees
What the Koi saw 5
A few moments later, Sad-One started making it's funny noises, then Sad-One, Quiet-one, Big-Eyes-White-Fur, Loud-One, and Provider came out and got small near our water.
Loud-One looked into the water for a second, then went back inside the High-Place.
Provider gave us some good food, while Sad-One made noises for a while.
Quiet-One came and sat near Provider, and looked into the water at us with Provider. I get nervous. Quiet-One doesn't often come to look at us. Elder swam over and told me to be calm, because everything was okay. Elder looked out of the water at Big-Eyes-White-Fur.
Then Provider started making it's happy noises, and I swam toward Provider. Quiet-One put it's fin in the water near me, and I started to get nervous. Then the water rippled, like when water falls from far above.
Provider was still making it's happy noises, so I stayed still. Quiet-One removed it's fin from the water, and Sad-One made it's funny noises again. Then I noticed Red-Black-One on the High-Place looking down. Then Red-Black-One jumped down beside Quiet-One and made some quiet noises. Quiet-One put it's fins around Red-Black-One, and they both left. Provider was still making it's happy noises, and Sad-One was still making it's noises. Big-Eyes-White-Fur approached the edge of my water, and a voice that I think is the voice of Big-Eyes-White-Fur spoke to me. It said that many things would change for me soon, but that those that cared for me would help me. It was a strange day.
-Time Passes-
Tonight, Loud-One and Red-Black-One were making noises outside of our water. They went inside the High-Place, and a little while later, Red-Black-One went through the top of the High-Place.
-Time Passes-
Today Metal-Fin sat outside our water, making sad noises. Loud-One was beside her, and after a little while, they went inside the High-Place together. Then quiet-One and Red-Black-One came out and got small by the water together. Red-Black-One looked scared, but after a few moments calmed down when Quiet-One put one of it's fin around Red-Black-One.
-Time Passes-
Small-Furry came today. It was outside the pond for quite some time, looking at me. I hid mostly behind rocks until it left, then came out. A few minutes later, Loud-One screamed and Red-Black-One came out of the house, followed by Big-Furry. Big-furry made some noises at Red-Black-One, but Red-Black-One was too busy looking at something I could not see. Big-Furry hit Red-Black-One over the head with it's fin, and Red-Black-One fell into the pond with Small-Furry on it's face. Red-Black-One made a loud noise that reminded me of Small-Furry, then jumped out. A moment later, Big-Furry landed in the water right beside me. The wave from Big-Furry was enough to send me past the rocks around the pond, and to somewhere with no water.
I was scared and started flopping around, trying to get back to the water. After a minute, I started to get weak, and could not flop much. That was when I noticed Red-Black-One watching me with really big eyes. It was on all four fins, really small near me. When I stopped flopping around, Red-Black-One carefully picked me up with it's mouth and dropped me back in the water. It jumped over the water to land on the unmoving Big-Furry, then got small and looked at me with it's really big eyes. I was still scared, so I hid behind some rocks. When I peeked out, Red-Black-One was gone. A moment later, it got a little darker. I looked up, and Red-Black-One was perched on the rocks behind me, still looking down on me. So I darted to the far end of the pond, which just happened to be on the far side of Big-Furry. I peeked around the edge of Big-Furry, and Red-Black-One was gone. Remembering the rock, I looked up, and sure enough, there was Red-Black-One, looking down on me. Red-Black-One suddenly looked towards the High-Place, and I saw Provider coming out of the house with something in it's fin. Red-Black-One jumped off Big-Furry towards Provider, and they both went inside the High-Place.
Red-Black-One Ranma
Loud-One Akane
Quiet-One Nabiki
Provider Kasumi
Sad-One Soun
Big-Furry Panda-Genma
Not-Big-Furry Human-Genma
Big-Tooth Shampoo PRECURSE
Dark-Eyes-with-Horns Gosenkugi
Small-Furry cat or Cat-form Shampoo
Big-Eyes-White-Fur Cologne
Scary-Noise-One Kodachi
Metal-Fin Ukyo
Dirty-Yellow Ryoga
High-Place house
Small-Tasty-Green and Tasty-Green bushes and trees

[DCG]

I have no idea how i can help with something like this...
Is this a ranmachan/nibiki fic?

[Dumbledork]

OK. A+++ for originality. Somewhat fun to read.

[Tovath]

I can't figure out what is going on

[Atlan]

Hell, I'm confused. I THINK it's a retelling of parts of the manga.
Now that is different. I like it.

[lograyvadisi]

doh. knew i forgot to mention that. it is a retelling of the first half of the manga, as seen through the eyes of one young koi.

[Yrael]

Much easier to read if you memorize the names first.

[Steiner]

Excellent. Reading this actually forces you into using those brain muscles.
And I must say, even a fish has a troublesome life at the Tendos

[Darth Thanatos]

I thought I recalled this story on FF.net...
I checked and it is there. It's almost one year old, and latest update is 2006-07-06.
So I take it you are either intent on rewriting the story or planning on adding to it, but got stuck.
So, what do you need, new ideas or ways to improve the existing part?