Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 32

[Cheb]

This is hurried, as I found myself running behind the self-imposed schedule. A chapter a week, this fic completing on March 15. Period. Come on, Cheb, you can do it...

http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a32e.shtml

As always I deemed this chapter "complete", just correct a couple of scenes. But as I started translating I had found so much OOC bullshit... Honestly, the Frankenshtein's monster looked less unsightly in comparison.

So I corrected a little in a lot of places.

P.S. Imma hungry! I forgot to have dinner Oh.. I didn't, it's just three in the morning. =_= Yes, I will: eat, then spawn-rape nobs in AOS team deathmatch, then sleep. In that order.

P.P.S. Cat is playing with the pigeon again. Noisily. See http://youtu.be/hQvkW2efjEY for reference.

[LawOhki]

The maid meanwhile was blushing, embarrassed to show Akane how to use flat wheels built into the clasps of a bra. These controlled the size and shape of cups making the magical underwear truly universal.

Band size is just as important.

I did enjoy Ranma surprising Akane but for some reason I think that should really be the norm. Ranma treating this sort of like traveling with Genma so she's really in her element of getting through dealing with people and understanding how to stay out of trouble. While Akane and Ami are having a lot more difficulty since they've primarily stayed in one place and didn't have to learn how to adapt quickly.

[Cheb]

Well, I was in a hurry and didn't want to drown reader in too much details, but to clarify...

..to use flat, tightly turning wheels built into the clasps of a bra. These controlled the size and shape of cups, band and straps length in quite wide a range thus making the magical underwear truly universal.

Akane and Ami are having a lot more difficulty

Canonically, Ranma is only one of them who does have any skill ranks in Streetwise, so I tried to write them acting in character as best as I could
Ranma is also quite extroverted. Akane too, but her upbringing... Too friendly an environment, so to speak.
It's not easy to write, as Ranma's character is practically a polar opposite to what I am.

P.S. It grows tiring: the word artifact is known in Russian as artefakt (артефакт), almost the same but different so I have to watch it constantly to not write it in translation as artefact. Very annoying.

[Cheb]

Page URL: http://www.ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_de ... a05e.shtml
User comment:
"Determinated Usagi" a "Determinator" is something else
entirely
Context:
lots more scraped and bruises all over her... But it was
<!!!>Determinator Usagi<!!!> who was now in control, the
side of her whose most glaring
Browser: Firefox/26.0

I meant this one: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Determinator . She does have her (rare) moments of this.

Page URL: http://www.ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_de ... a05e.shtml
User comment:
this is ok as long as it's meant to refer to a general
unfortunate situation and NOT a person. Otherwise you should
use "lowlife", which refers to a person.
Context:
Makoto explained gloomily, saving her the trouble.
“<!!!>What a low!<!!!>” Minako exclaimed flashing with
indignation.“What did you
Browser: Firefox/26.0

Replaced with "ignobility", this suits better.

Page URL: http://www.ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_de ... a05e.shtml
User comment: lowlifes
Context:
you forget? It's just that... I can't put up with these
<!!!>lows<!!!> no matter how many I see.”“So, do we know
anything
Browser: Firefox/26.0

Replaced with "I can't stand the sight of such villainy no matter how many times I see it.”"

>[Orphus notes for some of my "pearls" in Ch.6]
Oh. Oh my. I was calling that English? After reading these old parts I feel like vomiting. Yeech.

>[Orphus notes for Ch.7 and 8]
Many thanks My English really sucked back then (or I was translating in a hurry/tired)
Also retconned some bits, to match my own canon not that of sailor Ranko.

[Sunshine Temple]

Straight ahead a huge dome of faint light was taking a large portion of the sky, barely visible through the air suffused with the light of the locomotive headlight. The blurry darkness of the horizon was rising up slowly obscuring both it and the rolling sky glows, hinting at a range of hills hidden in the haze. Poles with strange symbols began appearing to the sides of the track, some of them chewed up. Lahrt concentrated as he began slowing the train even more.
[I do like the style of this world they're currently on.
As if to give his words more weight, the gunners stopped dozing and unlocked their cannon's stops. Ranma grew wary as she stood there peering into the darkness outside. She was thinking that this noxland of theirs almost done him in.
[done him in?
[Also based on the following paragraph the pronouns are a bit confused.

[It seems like you're trying to have Ranma use male pronouns when thinking of herself


The gunners did notice that as well. Spinning the handwheels they turned their turret and soon the multi-barelled

[multi-barreled

Well, as Kahs-Khasaeert os one of the

[is one

. It turned out, eben the magical conditioning of the cab was only lessening the aggressive drought.

[even the magical

Rnma noted as she breathed in deeply, happily.
[Ranma noted

She humbly omitted the fact that her powers were coming from an asteroid barely three hundered kilometers across.
[Hundred
[She also omitted that Ranma's came from the Sun as well ;p

“Well, I know that you are really a guy, but why give people a false hope?” He winked at her, then strode away to disappear behind a stack of metallic boxes.
“What hope?” Ranma still didn't get it.
[heh, clueless

“Isn't it obvious? You can only live in the oases here, you know what sort of things inhabit the wasteland. A man is a chowder there.

[I'm not familiar with that turn of phrase.

They even hunt the horrors from that noxland of theirs for firewood. Meaning they are all badass, with no exceptions... Why are you loking at me like that?”

[looking
[well maybe not all badass, but a high fraction given the harsh frontier style


He just left the locomotive, not even bothering to close the door. This was telling about the local customs more eloquently than any words could. Even Ranma relaxed visibly.
[Well it is a train so it's harder to steal. It also might still have its heavily armed guard.


[Nice details on the architecture of the town.

They only managed to lose this overtly friendly company when they entered the bridge crossing a narrow expanse of water surrounding the steep central peak where the mysterious “eggeheads” were dvelling according to Lahrt's words. The bridge was golden-looking and open-worked as almost everything here.
[I'm not sure all this would fit inside a town "barely three hundred meters across"

[Or is the town to one side of the central peak?

[also dwelling


[Nice notes on the wooden door and table too.


. There was hope. Then trere was an all-consuming desire for knowledge.

[then there

But you say you managed to detect them beyond this horozon?”

[Horizon.

[Interesting magical theory. And it also shows that things manipulated by living things (like trains) can still be heard.

*BONK* sounded the unfortunate planarist's bald head at the close contact with Khassahcht's staff.
[Hah!


“We are not... It's not wat you think!”
[what


. During her story the bald shorty was weeling more and more unwell.

[feeling

He just nodded harriedly.
[hurriedly

“I am still familiar with such concept as gratitude,” the old lady replied with dignity as she glared at the short man disparagingly. “Especially when I am presented with unique, priceless information on a platter.”
[heh

“Exacly. Many of my colleagues would gladly sell their souls for a single article from it.” A warning flashed in her voice: be careful, it's like waving a gold ingot in a crowded street. “My proposal is this: you now leave one of your artifacts for ma and my colleague in whose hands it will be perfectly safe,” Lukhyt nodded harriedly, “while you rest. Unfortunately, despite the solid theory no one had opened portals to other universes in the memory of the living generation. Thus, we have to figure where to start solving this task first. My colleague will do everything that in his power,” Lukhyt nodded harriedly,

[Exactly
[hurriedly x2

Could she procastrinate if she can't copy everything fast enough?
[procrastinate

Stared at the scree, nodded, then said without a trace of doubt: “Yes, we agree.”
[screen?

[Fun chapter. Nice to see them get a place where they can get a breather and wash up and get some sleep

[Cheb]

like you're trying to have Ranma use male pronouns when thinking of herself

Well, yes. It doesn't look great in the original either, but I honestly don't know how else to write someone with such a blatant (and plot-important) gender mismatch.

I just learned about such thing as "tense backshifting". Oops. Because in Russian and many other Slavic languages, indirect speech uses the same verb tense as would have been used in the original sentence: "She said that (she) doesn't like chocolate" is the norm, see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indirect_speech#Russian
Will watch out for this from now on.

[I'm not familiar with that turn of phrase.

Argh. Failed to translate a low jargon.
They'd wolf a man down in a snap.

[Well it is a train so it's harder to steal. It also might still have its heavily armed guard.

Arrrgh. Forgot to plug that micro plot hole again.
Inserted:
It wasn't just the locomotive, the gunners had already left their turrets too.

I'm not sure all this would fit inside a town "barely three hundred meters across"

The town takes a (narrow) sector of the crater between the central peak and the edge. The rest is gardens/farmland. Will elaborate in the next chapter.
..company when they left the town entering a bridge..

hurriedly

replaced "harriedly" to "with a hunted look" 3 times.

[Fun chapter.

The format of mini-arcs is the best, I will try to follow it in the sequel as the current Sliders-style world-hopping leaves much to be desired desire (normally, the mini-arcs should be large chapters. Maybe I follow that too, abandoning my current self-imposed limit of 25..35 kilocharacters)

P.S. I also thank ryuumon again for single-handedly correcting 221 of my blunders in chapters 4 - 24 using Orphus

[LawOhki]

Well, yes. It doesn't look great in the original either, but I honestly don't know how else to write someone with such a blatant (and plot-important) gender mismatch.

For simplicity and readability, in the narrative I always refer Ranma based on current gender unless it's specifically remembering something in another form, at which point I go out of the way to indicate it.

For someone speaking it's usually the same way but occasionally I'll use it to show how they see Ranma. Like in Cliched Fantasy, Kasumi is slowly starting to use more and more female pronouns when discussing Ranma. Sort of subtle but helps get the point across without overtly drawing attention.

Narrative is consistent but characters can mess up.

The format of mini-arcs is the best, I will try to follow it in the sequel as the current Sliders-style world-hopping leaves much to be desired desire (normally, the mini-arcs should be large chapters. Maybe I follow that too, abandoning my current self-imposed limit of 25..35 kilocharacters)

P.S. I also thank ryuumon again for single-handedly correcting 221 of my blunders in chapters 4 - 24 using Orphus

I think the larger problem with your current sliders style travel is that there isn't much of an overarching story to tie it all together. Yea they're trying to get home and help each other but it's missing something like an antagonist following after them or more of a limited timeframe to put them under a time crunch.

Sliders worked because each episode or a small series all dealt with some issue that was it's own story arc. Up until the last few chapters your world hopping was just them moving from place to place with not much actual story to it. But you can't kill Akane every other chapter.

[OSMQEP]

One thing I thought to mention here is more on loaders.

There are often more specific names for someone doing something like loading and unloading cargo.

I think Longshoremen, for example, are people who do that on docks loading and unloading ships.

I had a conversation last summer about different names for similar tasks, like a swamper.

I do not know what the one for a train would be. In recent times, I think it has not been cost effective to use humans for most of that. Tanker cars, bulk haulers are not done by humans. The standard container cars could be, but I gather they just put them on a semi trailer, and if humans unload them, they do it at a warehouse. Cattle cars and car carriers are the only ones that I can think of that might not be fully automated.

So maybe not knowing the words is simply that I don't know enough about freight trains.

A front end loader, for a different example, is a tractor or heavy machine with a wide powered shovel on the front. They are used for things like loading a truck full of dirt.


The population of all the settlements probably can't be huge. Something, I think maybe cold war studies, said that a minimum of 500 is probably needed to maintain genetic viability. Given the carrying capacity of the land, there probably isn't a huge margin for war.

Given that they were able to lay the rails, and what else we've seen, assuming they are normal humans in psychology, they probably have to consider the noxland a pretty serious threat. As in, on the level of another human society no their own. That they don't seem to have much contact with humans that aren't allies against that, means that there are grounds for them to be a fairly abnormal human society.

Anyway, I think that Ranma has grounds for what he is saying.

[Cheb]

Page URL: http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a32e.shtml
User comment:
drain pipes? A gutter or gutters are the troughs that line
the edges of a roof, especially on residential housing. I
think the tube that takes the water down to the ground from
these technically has a different name. I think gutter is
also used.
Context:
tunnels. The flat roofs without ledges and the lack of
<!!!>downpipes<!!!> were yet another reminder that rain was
a mythological

[whistles innocently] I blame this: http://www.multitran.ru/c/m.exe?l1=2&l2 ... 0%F3%E1%E0
Replaced with "rain-pipes".

Page URL: http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a32e.shtml
User comment:
Loaders works, but I'm more used to it describing mechanical
systems. This is the sort of job that might have a more
appropriate specific name, but I do not know it. Doesn't
really matter.
Context:
bare.She glanced outside, at the crowd of busily working
<!!!>loaders<!!!>, most of them healthy young men. She
paled, her eyes

Well... http://www.multitran.ru/c/m.exe?l1=2&l2 ... 7%F7%E8%EA -- they are mostly seaport-related!
Replaced with "freight handlers".

Page URL: http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a32e.shtml
User comment:
who is allowed to see? One might stick 'one' in front of 'to
see', but I use 'one' that way more than many'
Context:
about a kilometer in diameter. The blurry haze had receded
<!!!>allowing to see<!!!> a steep hill rising above the sea
of fog in the crater's

Ugh. Corrected to
The blurry haze had receded opening up a vista of a steep peak in the crater's center rising above a sea of fog filling the bowl. The peak was illum

Will update the ffnet version when I post Ch.36