[R .5][SM] Strained Harmony ch3 (split version)

[Sunshine Temple]

Here's the revised and expanded version of chapter 3.

Enough material was added to push several events and sections into their own chapter 4.

Apologies for the long delay in getting this up.

[PCHeintz72]

FYI... Not really a big deal, but something I noticed in passing.

Strained Harmony probably should be in the Ranma crossover section on FanFiction.NET, but it is as of this post at least in the straight Ranma section... might want to look into moving it over.

[Sunshine Temple]

Funny thing. When SH was put up (ch1 and 2), FF.net didn't have the crossover feature.

And since the story hasn't been updated until today...

[PCHeintz72]

Funny thing. When SH was put up (ch1 and 2), FF.net didn't have the crossover feature.

And since the story hasn't been updated until today...

Oh I understood that. I just figured if it is simple enough to change... it should be.

[Sunshine Temple]

Yup made the changes. Thanks for pointing that out.

[Dumbledork]

Finally finished reading the extended version. I'm really happy that you wrote out most of the battle against the monster.

Too bad Ranma doesn't have any magical attacks yet. Couldn't he try to augment his usual attacks with magic to increase their potency?

On thing I noticed in this chapter is that Ranma blushes a lot. At least ten times. That's quite a change from his usual self. But then, living a different life for months can change people.

One thing I find strange is that the police snooping around doesn't seem to worry Nabiki. Is she really that confident that she's untouchable? Very nice to see Akane finally fight back against Nabiki.

[Sunshine Temple]

Dumbledork
Finally finished reading the extended version. I'm really happy that you wrote out most of the battle against the monster.

[That's good. It does add more to have that shown in.

Too bad Ranma doesn't have any magical attacks yet. Couldn't he try to augment his usual attacks with magic to increase their potency?

[Well given Ranma's magic is all healing...

On thing I noticed in this chapter is that Ranma blushes a lot. At least ten times. That's quite a change from his usual self. But then, living a different life for months can change people.

[Among other changes ;p

One thing I find strange is that the police snooping around doesn't seem to worry Nabiki. Is she really that confident that she's untouchable? Very nice to see Akane finally fight back against Nabiki.

[Prettymuch. Nabiki is still seeing this as a harmless game, and that it'd go like their other adventures.
[Nabiki outright says she expects Ranma to be kidnapped, then escape and be ready for the next zany event.

[LawOhki]

After reading through it and let is digest for a bit. I still hate the hair with a passion and there are a few more things that stick out but I think I can sum up my dislike of the direction that this is going by how servile Ranma has been made. That line from Setsuna about Ranma's future is very disconcerting.

Providing for Hotaru's every whim when an actual nanny should be more parental and not indulgent. She's become more a giant fat bunny plushie than an actual person. Even her reasoning for the hair, which was itself at the request of her friend, is "well Hotaru/Usagi will like it so I like it now too" Ranma is even the one who does all the cooking and preparation for a dinner in her honor. When doing the tests with Ami, there's a brief moment of Ranma standing up that Ami screwed up right before demanding that she serve Ami different/better food. Cheesecake as a SNACK?

What happened to the Ranma who forcibly challenged Nodoka about Genma? Where did that plot thread go? I don't see where this change from reasonably confident, worldly if socially awkward young woman from chapter 1 and more in 2 went to be replaced by an overly shy and introverted servant in chapter 3 came from. No reason for Ranma to be the dominant queen bee, but she really needs to be more than a blank slate to bounce conversation off of to give SM back story or explain the situation in Nerima rather than advancing that plot in any way. Very little actually happens in this chapter that isn't retreading ground from the last like the stuff about Hotaru's past or that things in Nerima are not good for Ranma.

And at some point one of these characters needs to point out to Ranma to stop eating all the time. 1st scene is a restaurant, slight fight scene, then more food with Ami. Next scene with the normal friends has more food in two different parts. Then Ranma is setting up to have a big dinner. None of the others are bloating up and Ranma is supposed to still be training but if she is eating cheesecake as a snack then clearly it's not muscle she's gaining. If Ranma is actually upset about her weight gain as her conversation with Akane implied then an athlete of Ranma's caliper should be able to get it back down and would know how to. Her feelings on the matter aren't resolved enough, is being bigger all over a guilty pleasure so she has no incentive to get her weight gain under control? Some sort of 'look how female and not male I look!' kind of thing? The reasoning behind that is far more interesting than hearing more SM backstory or details on food.

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

The scene with Nabiki showing Akane pictures of nanny-Ranma gives one reason for plumping up: Nabiki snarks, "couldn't you get a better double to distract me?"

However, this chapter tastes of Ranko's Makeover. That had far too much passive-Ranko, only redeemed at the very end by Ranma/ko fighting the passivity off and raising Hell. If that isn't going to happen in this story, it's a waste of the first two chapters .

[LawOhki]

However, this chapter tastes of Ranko's Makeover. That had far too much passive-Ranko, only redeemed at the very end by Ranma/ko fighting the passivity off and raising Hell. If that isn't going to happen in this story, it's a waste of the first two chapters .

Indeed, might as well completely throw out anything and just have Ranma run off and enjoy life as some wealthy guy's sex slave rather than some illusion of freedom.

Actually that could have been an interesting idea, the guy snagging Ranma at the start, and taking him. BUT Ranma ends up tricking/avoiding ever having to do what he was purchased for while enjoying a plush lifestyle.

[Sunshine Temple]

I didn't think Ranma was more passive in this chapter than the others. I'm not sure if she'd be more "take charge" when meeting with Usagi, given those two did meet on a human level. And Akane got her hair played with too, so it's not like Ranma was uniquely passive. But I can't really argue with opinion. Thanks for commenting Ellen

Interesting story idea. Sort of a cross between My Fair Lady and Beauty and the Beast but minus the Stockholm Syndrome.

[frice2000]

A review I posted to FFnet on this story:

You already know I think this chapter was a failure. And didn't fit at all with the previous chapters. You said that's because I didn't read them recently enough. So for this review I did. It's still a failure. What the previous two chapters were about weren't Ranma becoming a girl, or a Senshi. They weren't about escaping fate as some sex slave or an abusive family. What they were about were Ranma discovering a new family and new friends. That family and friends knew her as a girl. And thus she adapted to that circumstance and became a girl. But that wasn't at all what the STORY was about. It was an aspect of it but not anywhere near the central point. The family mattered. Setsuna mattered. Hotaru mattered. Ranma mattered. Form, sex, and gender didn't matter.

This chapter? The whole story suddenly lurches into being about Ranma the girly girl. The family while there was a caricature rather then the deeply emotional bonds you forged in the previous two entries. As a writer you've become to use a character from your Return story Alexia. Congratulations you made something deep horribly shallow and trite. At this point if you're satisfied with it story is dead to me. Anything more that comes beyond this isn't the story it was to start, and the story I loved. I truly doubt you are being at all faithful to any outline you had at the start, or are drastically abbreviating the parts that would've made this special. Such a shame since this story was something very special indeed. Words have a hard time describing how disappointed I am with this. Pretty sure you'll also just shrug this off and keep listening to your cheerleaders, but that is also a shame.

Not to be overly dramatic but this story was why I looked up your other stuff. It's why I found Return. A story that I also enjoyed. It's why I posted to Fukufics. A big reason why I became active in this fandom again from not reading a fic since I was in High School almost a decade ago now. To see this story get to where it is now is depressing. And honestly it's among the saddest things I've seen in terms of literature that I enjoy reading in years.

[Sunshine Temple]

Welp, given I didn't think this chapter was much out of line from the previous two.

I'm either completely binkerd and totally unable to "put the lightning back into the bottle". Which is entirely possible. It has been over 5 years and my co-writer is unavailable.

Or maybe over the years the story was built up and built up in your mind that nothing could ever satisfy.

I propose the latter part because, to be cold, that was on of my big fears with the story. Which was a major contributor to how long it took for more to come out. Heck see the many many months it took between the first version of chapter 3 and the second.

I'm truly sorry that this was still a failure to you. And you can't say that I was unable and unwilling to make *some* changes. I mean between the versions I did change and add things, including several entirely new scenes.

I guess I had my chance to "try again" and I blew it. And I get the sense that I shouldn't really bother to give a third crack at fixing it.

Also.. I note you omitted the original ending paragraph of your post. I trust that means you don't want your account deleted so that it doesn't tempt you again?

[Atlan]

Sunny... I hate to say it, but I aggree with frice2000. And it's not a complaint thats unique to this 'fic.

You've done it with every 'fic you've written. We can set a clock by it.

1: Ranma gets into a new, out-of-context problem
2: Ranma, in order to solve this problem, is forced to change into a new and unfamiliar culture.

3: Ranma is quickly completely immersed in this culture, and the rest of the 'fic becomes a constant 'Look how Soldier/Maid/Princess/Loligoth/Fairy-like Ranma is' and 'Akane/Usagi/Asuka, sure is dumb for not being completely assimilated by this culture too'.

The only thing thats unique here is how quickly it happens, but trust me- you've done it again. The story is now about just how girly Ranma is, and how anyone who isn't that girly is somehow lacking.

[PCHeintz72]

Guys... I'm not a moderator so this is not an official stance, but there is already a thread on discussing overall directions:

Rate of Change in Sunshine Temple's Stories
- [Direct] viewtopic.php?f=67&t=7371

Might want to take it there, and read the prior posts on it while at it... as while 3 months old... they are mostly still applicable...