The fox and the redhead, a Ranma/Naruto fanfiction crossover

[Blackcat101]

The fox and the redhead

Chapter 1: Little girl, little boy

AN1: Ranma is not stuck as a girl... forever, is just temporal.

It was really crazy, one moment he was in another stupid quest for a cure that he knew it wouldn't work. The next Ranma was eight years old, in girl form, heavy bruised, injured and near a village with a big fence. The funny thing was, he had been ready to just ignore it for once and let Ryoga risk his neck alone. But then his mother said her crap about him being unmanly, and next thing Ranma knew, he was in God- knows-where in a mountain cave fighting some sort of trial by combat with Ryoga. It seemed only one of them would get the famous cure.

Ranma didn't even remember how the fight had ended, but if he had lost, why leave him like that? Was that the price of failure? Had Ranma won? Was the promised cure really a one way ticket to this strange place? It was just too damn depressing to think about it.

At least Ranma got medical attention, but the way the ninjas looked at 'her', Ranma had seen that look before, it was never good when people have you that look. She had been five days in the hospital, had been able to walk since the third day. The fourth day, after hot water failed to change her back into a guy, she got to the roof of the hospital and did a few basic katas to help her think. Then she had found herself surrounded by ninja wearing strange animal masks.

The masked ninja gently escorted back to her room, with orders to stay there. It seemed both her quick recovery and the fact she knew the art didn't get her any friends. At least the nurses had been kind enough to answer her questions.

Now a strange black haired ninja woman with red eyes wanted to ask her questions. Thankfully they had let her recover first and the gently nurses had checked that she didn't injure herself by going to the roof and doing the katas. She guessed not even ninja would be so heartless as to force interrogation into an injured and scared eight year old without letting her heal first... at least not the ones in this village. What the nurses had told her about other places crushed any desire she had to escape.

“Hi, what's your name?” The woman asked, Ranma wasn't usually a good liar... as male. As female she was good enough to fool idiots or people who didn't know her. But the woman in front of her, not only made her current power level look insignificant, she was a goddamn kunoichi. Lying would be a bad idea, a very idea idea.

“Ranma.” Yes her name was Ranma, no sense to lie about that, calling herself Ranko would just be a reason to slip up later.

“Just Ranma? Don't you have a family or clan name?” It was a reasonable question

“Not anymore.” That was the truth, her father won't accept a female as heir, and her mother would just want her to die for being female. It was one thing to accept a martial artist guy who sometimes was a girl, but to accept Ranma Saotome being permanently female? Nope, not happening.

“Where are you from?” And here things where getting sour, for what little she knew, saying “Nerima, Tokyo, Japan.” won't cut it. Well, she could still keep telling the truth, just not all of it.

“Ever heard of a place called Nerima?” Ranko asked, she noticed the slight change in the woman aura, nope, she didn't. That crushed Ranko last hope, as asking the nurses if they knew about an island called Japan or a continent named China hadn't work out.

“No, are you from there?” And the interrogation continues

“I used to live there, crazy place, lots of martial artists and weirdos. I miss it, there wasn't war there.” That seemed to caught the woman interest, damn.

“Why do you think we are at war?”

“Never saw that many Shinobi before.” Ranko replied, that was the truth, and did answer the question.

“We are not at war, we are a ninja village. The name is Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves.”

“Really? Never been in one of these before, is making the Shinobi visible usual for this kind of places?”

“Yes, is a show of power and good for business.” Well at least the woman wasn't treating her as retarded because she looked like a small girl.

“So...” Ranma asked, nervous, she had to be very careful with what she said next.

“So What?” The woman was pretending to be distracted. A good tactic to use on small children, they always craved attention.

“What will happen to me?” And here was it, this was when her fate would be decided.

“Since you seem to be from a far away land, have no family, clan or relatives... you will be sent to the orphanage.”

“So, no forcefully making me a Shinobi?” The question had a double purpose, knowing if they wanted to make a ninja out of her and if that kind of thing was forced in the village.

“Konoha doesn't do that. Of course, you can try to join the Shinobi academy, but without a sponsor it would be hard. You would need money for supplies and school books.”

“I could get a part time job for that.”

“You seem quite smart for a small girl.” Dammit, Ranma had blew it, still, there wasn't much use trying to fool a ninja village.

“I am not the usual eight year old girl.”

“Do you have a bloodline?”

“What's that?”

“Bloodlines are abilities passed down to descendants of some clans. Unlike regular Jutsu, they can't be copied or replicated. Having one would greatly help you to be accepted in the village. Unlike other places, we don't hunt down or kill people because of them having so called demon powers.”

“Well... that sounds cool. But... why do you think I have one of those?”

“Red hair isn't very common around here, and you are unusual for a child of your age.”

“I was... trained.” Ranma said carefully picking her words “Things went wrong... I do have some... problems. But... at least for the moment, I don't seem to have anything strange that could be considered a bloodline.”

“I see.” The woman said “My name is Kurenai Yuhi, I am a Tokubetsu Jonin level shinobi, my specialty is genjutsu, also know as illusions.”

“Is that a treat?” The way the woman had just introduced herself, saying what she supposed was a ninja rank and what her abilities where, screamed danger in Ranma head.

“Do you want it to be?” No shift in the woman aura, it was very good control or she was just toying with her.

“No... what do you want from me?” Ranma knew the woman was playing with her, poking for openings she could use to get more information. It reminded her a bit too much of Nabiki for her comfort zone.

“The way you move is interesting, your whole body language screams of a person trained extensibility in taijusu, or as you call it, martial arts.”

“Well yeah.. I am the best!” Ranma said and scratched behind her head. “But what about... my... problems... can you help?”

“What are your problems Ranma?” Good question, for the moment there where no fiancees or people trying to kill her. The curse was locked, and she was stuck as a eight year old. There was no way she knew how to go home, and of course she had to be careful with what she said, so that left...

“Uh... I have a great fear of...”

“Yes?”

“Cats.”

The woman hugged her “Please calm down.” She smelled so good, it was like flowers, it relaxed Ranma. Wait...

“You... you are using one of those illusions on me, right?” Ranma had just realized she would have never asked for help about 'THAT' otherwise. Also, since when did she talked about her problems with strangers?

“Well, it seems you are quite the unusual child indeed.” the hug stooped and Kurenai made some strange hands gesture and shouted “Kai!” The need to feel comforted and tell things to the woman was gone.

Ranma looked away from her, she was angry but quickly calmed down using some technique that made the air around her cooler. Kurenai looked surprised at how the girl had calmed down even after felling betrayed. Also she noticed Ranma had said nothing about her doing the genjusu dispelling technique to eliminate her OWN illusion. That only left her with one conclusion, the redhead knew nothing about genjusu at all. The reasons why someone who seemed so skilled at other areas has not even basic genjusu training was, as some Nara would put it, troublesome.

“You know, this is highly irregular but... I may be able to help you.”

Ranma turned around and faced the woman red eyes, Ranma own eyes seemed emotionless. “Like you just helped me?”

“I told you that I was a genjutsu specialist, didn't I?”

“Right...” Ranma eyes seemed to return to normal “So, what's this help you are talking about?”

“You may be young, but you are skilled and trained. Leaving you in the orphanage would be a mistake. Would you like me to train you?”

“What?” Ranma usually jumped at the opportunity for martial arts training, and learning how to do illusions would be useful. But Ranma knew everything had a price. It was a lesson Nabiki had made sure Ranma could never forget.

“You are a smart girl Ranma, probably a genius... people like you have a hard time fitting around civilians. Also with your training, they won't let you be around normal kids your own age. You also don't have anyone to help you around here. If I become your sensei, I will be... like family to you.”

Ranma own family wasn't what would make anyone feel comfortable, but the offer was a very good one. She was after all, stuck in a strange ninja village in the body of a small girl.

“What's the catch?”

“You will have to become a Shinobi. Also, I will be very exigent. Don't expect me to go easy on your ok?”

“Deal.” Ranma said extending her hand, Kurenai Yuhi shake it. Gai would be probably be jealous she had snatched a taijusu genius for herself. But if the girl could also learn genjutsu, she would have a ninja that could both cast illusions and kick ass.

Now she had just to convince the Hokage about that

IIIIIIIIII

One hour later

“No.” The Hokage said

“Why not? I may not be the best expert in interrogation in the village, but I wasn't the only one listening in. The girl has brains, taijusu training and is not like we can let someone with that skills... just be a civilian.”

“We don't know where she came from, is a risk.”

“Fine, if you are gonna be like that... I will adopt her!”

“You what?”

“She is a girl with no clan or family. She was probably abused, and despite the fact she seems trained, she only detected a low ranking genjutsu cause I told her I could do illusions. She also has a great fear of cats. What does all that tell you?”

“Mmm, probably she ran away. She was being trained to be an elite assassin by someone... maybe by missing nin. She was being conditioned, abused, you are right. That girl needs help. If we just let her go to the orphanage, she won't adapt. Who knows what kinds of reflexes she has build in? She could kill someone who disturbs her in her sleep, or massacre a bunch of children because they tried to hurt her.”

“Thank you Hokage-sama.”

“Still, I expect weekly reports of her progress, I also expect you to be a real mother for her, not just use her, understand?”

“Yes Hokage-sama.”

“Also, it would be a good idea to have a professional interrogate her.”

“You want to traumatize her further?”

“No, but she is a risk. You can be during the interrogation if you want, but it must be done.”

“Yes Hokage-sama.”

“Very good, now let's get to the most extenuating job a Shinobi can do... paperwork.”

IIIIIIII

Two hours later, a professional interrogation expert was in Ranma hospital room, Kurenai was also there. The idea was having her in a familiar environment with someone she could trust, to avoid the redhead to panic. The interrogator glued a few paper seals around the room and activated them with a jutsu, ensuring no one outside could hear what they where talking about.

“Ok little girl, is nothing personal, but you need to go for a real interrogation before we let you stay in the village.”

Ranma silently nodded.

“What's your name?”

“Ranma.”

“Any family or clan name?”

“Not anymore.”

“When you had a family or clan name, what was it?”

“Saotome.”

“Where are you from?”

“Nerima.”

“Where is Nerima?”

“On an island named Japan.”

“Where is that island?”

“I am not good at geography, but for what little the nurses have told me, I guess is nowhere near here.”

“How did you came to Konoha?”

“The nurses told me I was found outside the village.”

“Any idea how you ended there?”

“I was told I was found unconscious, heavy bruised and injured. The details are confusing, but before that I was in some kind of fight.”

“Why where you fighting?”

“Because my biological mother is an idiot.”

“Why is she an idiot?”

“She said she had accepted me for who I am, then keep threatening to kill me if I didn't act like she wanted me to. If she really had accepted me for who I am, then I would have never got in that fight.”

“Are you an enemy, do you mean harm to Konoha or its inhabitants?”

“I will not be your enemy if you don't give me a reason to. I don't mean harm, but I will defend myself if I get attacked.”

“What about your skills, where you trained?”

“I was trained in martial arts.”

“Are you a killer?”

“I guess my skills could be used for killing, but I would only do that if I have no choice left.”

“Have you killed before?”

“Yes, but it didn't count.”

“Why it didn't count?”

“The person I killed was revived minutes later.”

“If we let you live here, will you be loyal to Konoha?”

Ranma looked at Kurenai “That depends on her. We made a deal, she will train me and I will become a shinobi. As long as we both keep our word I see no problems happening. And I am very fond of keeping my word.”

“Thats enough for now.” The interrogator removed the seals and left the room with the female kunoichi.

“Well, can I adopt her now?” Kurenai asked, impatient

“She picked her words carefully, but everything she said was true. If you take responsibility for any actions she may take against Konoha, then yes, you can adopt her. You already have the Hokage permission after all.”

“What? No words about how being a parent is harder than it looks?”

“No, you are an adult woman, if you want to adopt a foreign brat is your problem, not mine.”

IIIIIIII

A few more hours later...

Ranma have up a whistle of appreciation looking around her new home. “Wow, you must be rich.” The small redhead didn't knew how much land was worth in Konoha, but having a big house in a ninja village surrounded by a giant fence must be expensive. Kurenai Yuhi feel proud, while her house wasn't as big as the Hyouga compound, it was still bigger than the houses of most single kunoichi.

“Kunoichi of my rank take difficult missions that pay well, and you would be surprised how many civilian uses genjutsu has. I am also good with seals, not the best, but still good.” Seals had even more civilian uses than genjutsu, and they provided a nice income. Teaching vain women how to do something more permanent than a henge, or at least provide an artifact with seals that did so was also profitable. She was also a tutor, she taught ninja who could afford her about genjutsu.

Ranma stomach growled, and she went into 'cute girl mode' blushing and looking embarrassed “Uh... Kurenai-hime, can you please get me something to eat?”

Only her years of training in genjutsu prevented Kurenai from tackling the cute redhead in a hug. Yes, the girl was definitively trained. Probably the idea was to end with a kunoichi that could be easily controlled and used for assassination and infiltration missions.

“Of course dear, and you can just call me Kurenai when is just the two of us. Use Okasan when we are not, and Sensei when I am teaching you something.”

Ranma found herself surprised that the ninja woman was so informal, Ranma hardly used honorifics, but that was because she had lived on the road most of her life and her father only cared to teach her martial arts. Ranma usually didn't think things much outside battle, but being in a weak body in a village full of ninja had practically put her brain in 'battle mode' permanently. Ranma wouldn't admit it, but she was a bit scared, one mess up and they could imprison her for life and torture her. No matter how polite and nice they had been with her, they still where ninja. While if she had her old body back she was sure she could beat most of them and escape, she had no defense against illusions, and they where willing to kill, while she was not. Besides, where would she go? Even Ranma wasn't bad enough in geography to know that no continent named “The five elemental nations” existed back home.

Most important, she had made a deal, she had given up her word. And while it would really hurt her pride being stuck as a girl, being treated as a girl, having to act girly... she could do it. Eventually, she would start to show her real personality, or she would snap. Worse, she could develop a second split personality or something crazy like that.

IIIIIIIIII

Ranma yawned as she awoke the next morning. She had got a nice warm dinner, a nice hot bath, that didn't change her back into a guy, and a great sleep. She got naked, trowing her night goon and underwear over the bed and walked to the big mirror Kurenai had put in her room. She had to admit that for an eight year old girl she didn't look bad, but the fact is, she HATED being an eight year old girl.

“Damn, I really wish I could change back into a guy, at least for a moment.” Then staring at her in the mirror, Ranma saw a familiar and naked eight year old boy with black hair.

Ranma blinked, the reflexion still showed a boy, she blinked again, she was back to being a girl. That wasn't how the curse worked, but then, maybe the curse had changed?

“I knew you had a bloodline.” Her new mother and sensei said staring behind the open door. Ranma just looked at her, no shame at all for being naked.

“Well... I guess you are right?” Ranma said scratching the back of her head. “Uh... is just that... changing genders is not something I feel comfortable to talk about, Ok?”

“I guess it must be pretty awkward... “ Kurenai admitted, this had to be the weirdest bloodline she had seen or heard about. Still, she guessed it did have its uses, a full body transformation, without hand seals, one that only seemed to use chakra to start it, then didn't seem to need it anymore to keep it. Wait, she wasn't sure about the last part, the change had only lasted a few seconds.

“Can you do it again?”

“I will try.”

Ranma looked herself in the mirror, she tried to remember what had trigged the change. “I want to be a guy.” She thought.

Ranma body changed in a mere second, Kurenai was surprised how fast the change was. Ranma body keep being male, Kurenai noticed how Ranma seemed to be getting tired fast.

“Change back now!”

“But... I prefer to be a guy!” Ranma protested, being changed into a guy had never... tired her before. Now it was like it was draining her ki... and something else. She had the same amount of ki as she had as an adult, it just was that her eight year old body was not strong enough to use it at full potential. Ranma noticed the urge in her sensei words, changed back into a girl and felt down. Damn that was tiring!

“Now, does the change usually waste that much chakra?” It didn't seem practical, but maybe it was stress or some injury they didn't notice.

“What's chakra?” Ranma asked, Kurenai eyes widened, the girl didn't knew what chakra was? Her job with her would be harder than she had thought.

IIIIIIIIII

Forty-five minutes of explanations later...

“So... this chakra thing is a mix of spiritual and physical energy, of ki and rei, correct?”

“We call the psychical energy shintai and the spiritual energy seishin, but that's correct. By mixing shintai and seishin inside the body, then using hand seals, ninja are able to do most of their jutsu. While that does seem impractical, with practice is possible to do jutsu only using a part of all the hand seals and some shinobi can even do basic jutsu without them.”

“I guess distraction and keeping distance of your opponent must be also be used.”

“Yes. That transformation you did, it used chakra, however, it seemed like something was wrong.”

“Well... would you believe I was trained to only use ki, or as you call it, seishin?”

“How can you perform a jutsu with just seishin?” That seemed unbelievable, some jutsu used more shintai, others more seishin, but the energies where always mixed.

Ranma extended the palm of her hand and formed a small blue ball of confidence ki, the basics of the Moko Takabisha “Like this.” The ball looked pathetically small, but is not like she had much confidence at the moment. And she didn't want to use depression, she feared she would make part of the house explode if she did.

Kurenai jaw dropped, this girl had just questioned everything they knew about chakra. To think it was possible to do even do a single jutsu with only seishin, it was amazing. She also didn't seem to be using any hand seals.

“And... just how much can you do using just seishin?”

“If I where older, with a more trained body, a lot. I could trow away energy blasts, move at amazing speeds, be super strong. Create tornadoes... I even saw some people do techniques similar to those basic jutsu you showed me. The only thing I think I could not do with seishin would be Henge. I could if it was just an illusion, but you say is a real transformation, right?”

“Yes, while it can be usually be disrupted with a single punch, Henge is a real transformation.”

“Then... I guess chakra would be good to learn how to use.” Sure that was it, learning jutsu. Knowing how to use chakra just so she could be male for more than a few minutes had nothing to do with it.

“You can't be a real ninja otherwise.”

“So, how I do it?”

“Focus your shintai and seishin in your stomach, mix it up, and let it spread around your body.”

“Uh... I have no idea how to use shintai, sorry. I don't think I can even feel it.”

Yes, this really was going to take more work than she thought.

IIIII

A day later...

Ranma was running around training ground seven, it was just a light warm up, only ten laps. After she was done she started doing a basic kata, as slow as she could. Before finding out the limits of her new body, she had to get used to it first. She slowly started to do the kata faster and faster. Then her movements turned into a blur, one minute later Ranma stooped and felt down, panting hard. It seemed she was about a third as fast as her adult female form, but didn't have much stamina.

“Are you alright?” Kurenai asked, looking worried. It feel good to have someone who worried about her. Sure, her real mother had seem to worry about Ranma, but those comments about something being manly or unmanly and the constants treats to kill her if she ended being too unmanly hadn't been pleasant.

“Yeah, It seems I overdid it, I need to build my stamina, resistance and speed. It will take at least three months of training before I can start to show you some of the advanced stuff. But I could teach you how to do the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken now if you want.”

“No thank you, I like my hands as they are, I don't wanna burn them.”

“You can also learn the technique using piranhas”

“I am quite attached to my fingers!”

“Well, you can also learn it fishing out small fish from a pond with your hands, while trying to not get wet.”

“That seems more reasonable. Just what kind of crazy training methods you know, girl?”

“You remember I told you about the neko-ken, right?”

“Sorry, stupid question.”

IIIIIIIIII

Three days later...

Ranma was sitting in her room, she had just finished two hours of meditation, trying to mold shintai and seishin into chakra. So far she was only do create a small amount of that type of energy, at least it seemed to hold on as long as she keep it in her stomach. Then she had tried doing the haft ram seal Kurenai had show her, and those two hours went to waste as the chakra just moved to the rest of her body, separating back into two energies. Why did the energy got separated? That hand seal was supposed to help to focus chakra, not to separate it!

Dammit! What else she could do? She wasn't gonna mediate for another two hours. So far the only one of her old techniques she could use where ki blasts, and she couldn't make them too strong or her body would get injured. Ranma basically had an enormous amount of ki, and nothing she could do with it inside her room. Wait, she knew about a technique that used ki constantly and didn't involve her destroying the house or crippling her current body.

The Hidden Weapon Technique could work, it constantly used ki. The reason Ranma hadn't bother to try it before was simple because she favored unarmed combat. From what Ranma had deduced of the technique, it had many drawbacks. First of all, it required a constant use of ki, second, it required loose robes unless you wanted to restrict yourself to just a few small things. And last, hiding the weapons didn't make them loose weight. That did explain why Mousse was able to keep up no matter how hard he and Ryoga trained. Since Mousse was always using the technique, that means he was always doing weight training due to the huge amount of weapons he carried.

There where a few small things about the technique he couldn't make sense off, like where did Mousse did get his weapons the few times he fought almost naked, his hair? Well, that would explain where Shampoo got her chui from... and if duck feathers could be used, why the hell not long hair?

Still, he didn't really knew the technique, she was just trying to figure it out. With nothing better to do, Ranma picked some loose change from her pockets, the only thing she had left from her own world besides her clothes.

She put the change over her nightstand, then sorted it out and picked up a single coin. She held the coin close to her heart and closed her eyes. Ranma body started to glow with a blue ki aura, when Ranma opened back her eyes the coin seemed to be gone, but she felt like she had a coin in her shirt. She looked the shirt all over, being careful of never stooping touching it, keeping the ki flow. The coin wasn't nowhere to be found, but Ranma could feel the small weight it had. She put the shirt back on, she would try to keep the coin in her hidden weapon storage space for as long as she could. Once she became able to keep the coin for at least twelve hours, she would add another coin, and so on. It would take some time, but with practicing everyday she would get good enough in the technique to store bigger and more useful things.

Maybe in a few years, she could even use the Hidden Weapon Technique to do weight training, but for the moment that was beyond her level of skill. Not to mention her body need some serious toughening up before she could even use small weights.

AN2: Well, this isn't my first atempt to a Ranma/Naruto crossover, but since Is the longest one I decided to post it.

[Spica75]

Looks like a very nice start, I hope you write further.

Ranma is not stuck as a girl... forever, is just temporal.

Typo or intentional use of "temporal" rather than temporary? (just checking)

heavy bruised

"heavily bruised", at least in two places. Also possible is "with heavy bruising", but i think the former looks better.

want to adopt a foreign brat is your problem

"it is", or preferably "that is"

have up a whistle of

*say what?*
I think you mean "gave a whistle of" but it would probably look better with "whistled in".

as the Hyouga compound

"Hyuuga".

her, they still where ninja.

"they were still ninja", "they still were ninja" also works but i think what you wanted was more along with the first variant.

and they where willing to kill

Again the classic mistake with where/were. "Where are you?"/"They were big."

trowing her night goon and

"night gown" i really hope, having a night goon does not sound like a good idea for an 8 year old girl.
Also, "throwing".

I could trow away energy blasts

"throw". Probably cut out "away". And maybe write "she" instead of "I".

Ranma stooped and felt down

Felt or fell?

she was only do create a small amount

"she was only able to create a small amount". Or maybe "she was only able to do a small amount".

gonna mediate for another two hours

"meditate".

she could use where ki blasts

"were".

careful of never stooping touching it, keeping the ki flow

"careful to keep touching it, keeping the ki flowing". Rewriting the sentence might be better.

The coin wasn't nowhere to be found

Double negative warning. "was nowhere to be found"/"wasn´t anywhere to be found".

[XofderXofder]

Okay so I had a big long post done out but unfortunately it got completely wiped when I hit submit because I wasn't logged in for some reason so I'm going to keep this one short.

I like your story. I've always been a fan of Naruto and Ranma cross overs and this is no exception. I also like the idea of Kurenai as the mother.

I will say to you that there is quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes. None of them are major and are easily fixed with a pre read but they are there. I had a list of the majority of them done out and corrected but thanks to Murphies law they have been condemned to the incinerator that is my luck.
so just the few main ones:
You occasionally forget to put in the "t" for jutsu, taijutsu and genjutsu.
You occasionally put in an extra letter or leave out one when not needed mainly in feel and stopped which you have as "fell" and "stooped"

she could develop a second split personality

This kind of implies that she already has a split personality which.. I'm pretty sure Ranma doesn't have.
There's a few other things but really nothing huge.

As far as the story is concerned it's quite decent. The one thing that I will say is that you need to set the scene. For instance the beginning of the story it seems kind of abrupt. Try and describe the different views, sights and smells that Ranma and others are experiencing. It'll just go that much further to better your story. Describing Kurenai in Ranma's eye would be good to. The little thoughts and emotions that Ranma experiences. Bascically all of the little, tiny, insignificant things that you wouldn't normally notice the make up the world. Also Kurenai's viewpoint is important too. We only really briefly get an insight to her thoughts and emotions during the course of the story and if it's a third person view we should be able to see at least these two characters clearly.

There is also some things that can be used to flesh out your dialogue. People don't just express themselves by saying things they do it physically as well, in all the expressions, gestures and countless other things. For example:

“Uh... I have a great fear of...”

“Yes?”

“Cats.”

The woman hugged her “Please calm down.” She smelled so good, it was like flowers, it relaxed Ranma. Wait...

I found it very hard to read the emotion of this scene. What the reader sees here is just Ranma stating that she has a fear of cats and Kurenai rushing towards her. It just feels... a bit weird. Its like you saying "Cats" to someone on the street and them immediately hugging you and asking you to calm down. As hilarious as that is, I don't think that's what you're aiming for. You need to describe how they say things, how they react and the expressions on their faces. These are important parts of human communication. For example it could go something like this:

"Uh...I-I have a f-fear of..." stuttered the redhead, the fear causing her voice to catch in her throat and her body to shake in anxiety.Focus Ranma! Don't let the furry demons win, you're the best!", thought Ranma to herself as the fear raced to overcome her.

"Yes?" said Kurenai softly, patiently waiting for the little girl to speak while she radiated a aura of calm and comfort.

Gathering her confidence she finally blurted out "C-C-CATS!" as her body convulsed in fear from the horrid memories of the feline creatures.

Then suddenly, the woman that Ranma barely knew rushed to her side and embraced her trembling form as she repeated over and over "It's alright, you're safe now" into Ranma's ear. Her soothing smell and bodily warmth relaxed Ranma. She smelled like freshly picked flowers just like Kas-

Ranma's body stiffened as a sudden realization of why she was being so open with a stranger plagued her being."You're using one of your illusions, aren't you" said Ranma with no small amount of venom in her voice.

Slowly Kurenai disengaged herself from the other girl and looked down on her with a curious expression on her face. "You're no ordinary little girl are you?" said Kurenai with a hint of amusement on her lips. It was a pretty impressive feat to see through one of her illusions even one as minor as that. Raising her hands and performing a gesture unknown to Ranma, she whispered "Kai" to herself dispelling the illusion and taking with it the sense of comfort and security. Still if she noticed the illusion herself why didn't she dispel it? thought Kurenai to herself as she filed that tidbit of information away for later.

Something along those lines may help in getting across the emotions and thoughts of your characters. That isn't to say my way is the right way or even to say it's any good but it is a way.

Also two things about Naruto Canon

near a village with a big fence

Unfortunately it isn't a fence. It's a huge, hulking, tall stone wall (alliteration and rhyme ).

“Bloodlines are abilities passed down to descendants of some clans. Unlike regular Jutsu, they can't be copied or replicated. Having one would greatly help you to be accepted in the village. Unlike other places, we don't hunt down or kill people because of them having so called demon powers.”

Actually the reason bloodlines were exterminated in some countries wasn't because they were considered 'demonic' (though that may be the case in some smaller ones) but because some people felt that when other clans used them to bolster their own power it incited violence and bloodshed. So they decided to exterminate these powerful bloodlines. Basically they blamed them for throwing their weight around and all the skirmishes and bloodshed between clans and decided it'd be better to wipe them out. I think it's explained in the wave arc with Haku and his Ice Bloodline.

Also there's something that's kind of been bugging me.

“What's your name?”

“Ranma.”

“Any family or clan name?”

“Not anymore.”

“When you had a family or clan name, what was it?”

“Saotome.”

Okay so you're going down the route of Ranma renouncing his family and starting afresh which I get but what I don't get is how he could have lost his name. At the start I got the impression that Ranma was thrown into the Naruto world in the middle of a quest to find a cure so when he wouldn't have met Nodoka or Genma in his semi-locked state meaning they wouldn't have stricken him off the family register. Ranma wouldn't be the type to just renounce his family name because he was locked, he wouldn't say "Whoops stuck as a girl again, better lose the old family name". Usually when this happens he sets out with determination to find the cure and return him to his normal half-boy-girl self. Also until he heard from his parents that he couldn't I think he'd still use Saotome because names have honor and that's one of his most important beliefs ; that he's honorable. I think what you're trying to show is him starting a new life with a new name and identity. You do show the tension between Ranma and Nodoka throughout the piece which is key to this. Maybe you could develop it more by starting off in Nerima and maybe bringing Genma into it to add even more family tension and mistrust. Of course if you wanted to avoid Nerima completely you could simply list and describe a set of events coherently and clearly to the reader to show them how Ranma's perspective on his family got to this point.

I think that's most of what was in the original post I had done out and as always take every piece of advice with a pinch of salt.

Keep up the good work and I hope to see more!

[Cheb]

Nice, but doesn't interrogation usually consist of mind scanning?

[Blackcat101]

Nice, but doesn't interrogation usually consist of mind scanning?

Konoha would be a one trick pony if they used the Yamaha secret techniques in every interrogation. Ranma isn't a criminal, she is just a foreign, there is no reason to justify treating her like a prisoner or a criminal even with her skills. While messing up with a person mind, there is a chance to break that person mind. Do you honestly think that it would be wise, seeing as they think Ranma fear of cats was part of her "conditioning" to have them do that? Besides if they think Ranma is conditioned, they don't want to risk to trigger a berserk mode or have her committing suicide. If They thought Ranma was withholding important information, then breaking her mind and or killing her would be justifiable. Had Hanzo got Ranma however, well... it would be a different story. Its also a matter of trust, how can Ranma become loyal to a village that violated her mind? Trust goes both ways.

[XofderXofder]

Still the interrogation would be fairly important and the fact that she's withholding information would set off warning bells considering her obviously advanced taijutsu training. I think what would happen in the Naruto world would be that she gets a quick interrogation to which it becomes obvious that she has no idea how to use chakra and would be classifies as a low risk. Sure her taijutsu's off the charts but in their eyes with her weak 8 year old body and without the chakra reserves to back it up they'd probably just put her on probation for a while with a jounin until it became clear where her loyalties lie. She'd most likely be contained to a house for a week or two with little contact to the outside until they deemed the risk to be almost negligible.

Kurenai is a good choice for the role as Ranma's lack of experience with chakra and genjutsu would make her very easy to contain should she get out of hand. So all you really need to develop is Kurenai's reasons for adopting Ranma. It might be just a bit skeptical for a jounin to immediately adopt a child who was found just outside the village walls but you could have Kurenai train Ranma (because Kurenai immediatly recognizes her potential) and have it evolve into something more which in turn leads to adoption.

Also I think Asuma should play an important part in this fic due to his relationship with Kurenai but that's just personal preference.

[Té Rowan]

... the Yamaha secret techniques ...

Yamanaka, I presume, but can't but wonder what the Yamaha secret techniques would be like (shudders at the thought of a cacophony of pianos, organs and small engines).

[Blackcat101]

Still the interrogation would be fairly important and the fact that she's withholding information would set off warning bells considering her obviously advanced taijutsu training.

Any ninja being interrogated, even its cooperating, would just answer what he is being asked and no more. The right answer to "Do you know what time is it?" is not saying what time is it, but saying "Yes I do" or "No I don't". She may be withholding information, but that's expected, and she was honest with her answers. They don't know how skilled she is at taijusu, all they saw of her was doing some basic katas and the way her body moves. Ranma is also stuck with a younger and female body, so her skills won't shine for a while. They didn't ask her if she knew about chackra because asking a ninja if she knows about chackra is like asking a runner if it knows how to run.

And what you say about probation would be true if she just hadn't been adopted. With adoption, Ranma becomes Kurenai responsibility. The Hokage won't mess with clans and families affairs unless he has to. I agree that I do need a good reason for Kurenai's adopting Ranma.

What I have so far is "Kurenai sees herself as a teacher. She can also be pretty stubborn, she wasn't planing on adopting Ranma but as she hates to lose, she decided to play on that card when the Hokage denied her initial request.Her wanting a star student is not that weird in the Naruto world, and her hurry was because if she didn't act fast, Gai would probably find out about Ranma and get her for himself. Kurenai wants to prove herself, to show that she is the best. As the Jounin promotion won't come anytime soon, having a star student is one way to go."

Since this story starts years before the manga and anime start, Asuma is just a guy Kurenai wants to defeat, and yes she may have feelings for him. But since she didn't do much in canon until the time skip, don't expect a building romance or something.

[WG_Writer]

I have read it and I think there is a lot of potential here but there are a few problems with it. As I am not that great with spelling and grammar I will just talk about what I had seen.

To start with this idea does sound good, I like the Idea and wish to see it continued. That said I am going to be very critical here. It’s not me trying to put this down but rather I am trying to help you improve. I would not normally state this so obviously but I am going to be blunter then normal for me. Also some of this was stated by others so far, but there has been so much said and such a long chapter I will reiterate to make sure I have not missed anything.

As an idea and a potential Chapter One it has a good start to a story. However that said the problems with it would, should I have came across this story as is on FF.net, I would have stopped reading after the third paragraph

---

First the opening needs expanding. You basically dump a locked (if temporary) Ranma outside Konoha with little explanation given also s/he would not likely call a 50-100 foot wall a fence. I know in this chapter you explain it but remember your first half dozen paragraphs will determine if its read or not.

You had some points where you used Ranko instead of Ranma (This was very jarring)

Ibiki, or possibly any interrogator, would not be so easy on Ranma even if s/he was eight. While I do not expect Ranma to face a Yamada, keep in mind that the Ranma you are using is a powerful martial artist who was found outside Konoha beaten. While some might want to ensure that Ranma is no threat and hospital staff would want to take care of (her) remember Kakashi was a Chunin at 6. Thus Ranma could still be considered dangerous and a possible infiltrator possibly under conditioning or genjutsu. Even to the extent of a sleeper agent.

Now Konoha would accept things at face value I doubt anyone would go too far with this.

Ranma also wouldn’t forsake his family without good reason. You have stated something with his mother occurred but without expanding on that it feels OC since he is acting very out of character. If Ranma would have dumped his family so easily I doubt he would have stayed with Genma after he got cursed.

Also the cats thing is played up here. Ranma is bad with cats but a studder is usually the worst of it. In the Manga he had once said that Genma was as lazy as an old cat without problem and only jumped back when his father said meow.

Kurenai is not quite that open, she does have a soft spot yes, but Hinata was almost her child anyway as she was her bodyguard/nanny since she was young. I do like the Kai trick as a triple test there, that was good thinking, but I think the explanation that it’s a test before she does it would help. Also Kurenai would not so easily offer training. She would gladly do so with the Hokage’s orders but her doing it to a possible threat does feel out of place. This can easily be mitigated by adding that she will look into it. As to the adoption... hmm... The Hokage probably would let Kurenai take Ranma in if only to have a reason to have a nin watch Ranma.

Exigent... good word, had to look it up. This can harm the story during the initial hook time.

Ranma stomach growled, and she went into 'cute girl mode' blushing and looking embarrassed “Uh... Kurenai-hime, can you please get me something to eat?”

Cute girl mode or not Ranma is not the type to use hime even if he should. San would be more natural. If Ranma is being honest even mostly s/he wouldn’t be going this far.

I also feel the transition between guard to mother was way too fast.

I will admit that the thing with the curse is an odd take. However I think we should show more of Ranma explaining that he is suppose to be a he. Otherwise it feels ignored and an unexplained force on Ranma. This is something that Kurenai would have to take to the Hokage.

Kurenai also seems to have learned more then she should, or less possibly about Ranma. It could just be wording but after all I have pointed out I think after you rework this we will see where it goes.

---

Pacing also seems to be an issue. I know, I know, you have this great idea for a story and want to get into it. But remember this is the hook, make us want more. As such I think I will recommend dividing the chapter in two. As you add more to cover some of the early missing information you should look at length. Its more style than anything, so don’t take my recommendation on that as being absolute.

A tip though is to think of each chapter as an episode of a TV series, you don’t want too many parts of the story to be strung across multiple chapters, or worse having multiple chapters squashed into one.

[Spica75]

Pacing also seems to be an issue. I know, I know, you have this great idea for a story and want to get into it. But remember this is the hook, make us want more.

I certainly do...

And much better to get on writing out a story when you have it, and then fiddle with it for "perfection".

As you add more to cover some of the early missing information you should look at length.

Its fanfiction, not original fiction. There isn´t really any missing information. Additional information might be useful or good, but it may also slow things down too much.

I will admit that the thing with the curse is an odd take. However I think we should show more of Ranma explaining that he is suppose to be a he. Otherwise it feels ignored and an unexplained force on Ranma. This is something that Kurenai would have to take to the Hokage.

He´s not explaining that he´s supposed to be a he, unless something was missed.
And Kurenai takes it in stride because this isn´t our world, it´s Narutoverse, a place where weird shit happening is truly par for the course.

And the curse has just been thrown into another world, and something we don´t yet know might have happened before he got kicked off earth... I can even say that an explanation isn´t a must at all, even if it would be nice to see one somewhere, in some chapter ahead.

I also feel the transition between guard to mother was way too fast.

Possibly. But Kurenai is the kind of person who once decided, she really is DECIDED. So it works like it is as well, even if blunt.
And she isn´t really switching to "mother", she´s being professional.

Ibiki, or possibly any interrogator, would not be so easy on Ranma even if s/he was eight. While I do not expect Ranma to face a Yamada, keep in mind that the Ranma you are using is a powerful martial artist who was found outside Konoha beaten.

Yamanaka.
And they dont know Ranma as a powerful martial artist, because at the moment she isn´t one. Ranma relies on ki for improving a lot of things, and now her body can´t handle using much of it. So, she is technically very skilled, but she has zero experience in trying to use that with the body of a 8 year old. At arrival, she would probably loose a fight with any genin.

Ranma actually outright worries that he can´t handle these people. And notes that she´s short on confidence.
That should tell you just how weakened she feels at that point.

Kurenai also seems to have learned more then she should, or less possibly about Ranma. It could just be wording but after all I have pointed out I think after you rework this we will see where it goes.

Kurenai is a master of genjutsu, the MIND arts. She isn´t as good as some, but she should by far easily be able to determine if she is being lied to and Ranma´s general disposition. Essentially, anyone good enough to get past Kurenai without her noticing ANYTHING suspicious, is so good that throwing them to another interrogator would be a waste of effort.

Kurenai is not quite that open, she does have a soft spot yes, but Hinata was almost her child anyway as she was her bodyguard/nanny since she was young.

Ehm, have you been reading my main story and taken it as based on canon?
The only interaction between those two that i could find certainty about is that Kurenai brings Hinata to the academy while she is chunin, because the family didn´t want to bother with such a disgrace.

That is one thing i use in my story as a point of divergence, that Kurenai DOES take a closer interest from that point. By canon, i haven´t even been able to make sure wether Kurenai and Hinata actually really knew each other from that point up until Kurenai takes her on her team. (so if you DO have anything concrete, PLEASE tell me)

Ranma also wouldn’t forsake his family without good reason. You have stated something with his mother occurred but without expanding on that it feels OC since he is acting very out of character.

Yes and no. The text makes it sound as if something happened just/shortly before he ended up around Konoha, so i simply expected a future explanation of some kind.
I certainly agree he wouldn´t suddenly willy-nilly drop the family.

Cute girl mode or not Ranma is not the type to use hime even if he should. San would be more natural. If Ranma is being honest even mostly s/he wouldn’t be going this far.

I wouldn´t be so sure. No he very likely wouldn´t use it under normal circumstances, but he has been dropped in a potentially nasty environment where he is feeling more than a little shaken up, add to that that his reduced age may affect him as well, more than just how he thinks he should act.

I would say he is adapting to his environment as best he can.

[Scratx-chan]

I should perhaps point out that Kakashi graduated at five years old. An 8 year old with signs of being trained would be screened rather thoroughly. Much moreso than the story does, in my own opinion. I get the general feeling that Ranma's getting a pat in the back in the meta sense just to get the story going from the "is that an enemy nin?" suspect phase to "no, it's just a kid who has nobody else to turn to, let's make it one of our own" phase.

Am I the only one who got that distinct impression?

[WG_Writer]

no I got that impression too.

[Blackcat101]

This story is a work in progress, I accept criticisms and comments, but I ain't gonna to change the basic plot of the story that is "Ranma is sent to the Naruto world as an eight year old girl, his curse changed and Ranma is adopted by Kurenai".

The neko-ken is a split personality, nee?

In several stories, the wall is referenced as a big fence, and is not made of stone, but wood, Remember the village was build by someone with WOOD powers, not rock ones, and where the hell they would get so much stone? There won't be a Hokage monument if they had done that.

Ranma isn't given a free pass. It is mentioned LATER in the story, but Ranma has always a few ANBU trailing after him when he is outside the house. Trust is something you must earn, is not something that's just given. I am sorry I didn't make it clearer, but Ranma is angry with his mother for saying she accepting him as a man, then keep pulling the contract when Ranma did something she didn't like (Is there, only with careful wording). Also what happened at the start could be clearer, but since Ranma himself says "It was really another stupid quest for a cure that he knew it wouldn't work." is clear that the whole thing was something Ranma considered a waste of time, and given Ranma track record with "cures" and that he only went after it because Ranma's mother insisted, can you blame him? Even for someone like Ranma, who tends to act before he thinks, there is a limit on how many times you can wave the carrot of a so called cure that ends not working before he decides is just a waste of time. I based "cute girl mode" in the story in canon when Ranma was age regressed by mushrooms, he is now is a similar situation, and is not like Ranma haven't used cute girl mode when he wanted something, like free food, why wouldn't he use it now that he desperate needs Kurenai to accept him? (And yes girl Ranma can be THAT manipulative)

And you people keep forgetting Kabuto, he was a foreign too, and didn't have that much trouble to be accepted in the village, only that he was sent to the orphanage. Yes, Ranma has show skills, but they aren't THAT impressive. They are being careful with Ranma, but there is no need to go overboard with him. Ranma fear of cats is a big thing, I know he doesn't stutter unless he is in front of a real one, that's why he doesn't do it in this story.

“Still, I expect weekly reports of her progress, I also expect you to be a real mother for her, not just use her, understand?” * There, The Hokage is keep informed, I could add the weakly progress reports to the story, but they would be tedious and repeat information we already know. We already know that everything they learn about Ranma will just confirm the story that Ranma was being trained and indoctrinated, but I could add the first weekly report if you want.

The reason the curse changed? Ranma is in a different world, with different rules, Is not explained in story because Ranma is used to weird stuff happening to him then trying to fix it, he doesn't care so much on the why but on the "How I fix this?". Think of it like something from Reboot, Ranma is a different "game", and so has to play by the rules of that game. Also I would be a very lazy author doing info-dump if I explained everything in chapter one.

And yes, Ranma may miss his mother, but considering everyone in Ranma life has been using and abusing him, he might be in denial. Genma he doesn't care much about, The Tendo sisters? Kasumi is nice, Nabiki just keep using him and with Akane everyone knows he is in GREAT denial.

I am planing to add a scene later in the story where a drunk Kurenai (She was dragged by Anko to a Bar) Confess to Ranma she wasn't planing on being a mother and just adopted Ranma because she wanted a star pupil. Ranma would comfort her, because Kurenai has basically been nicer with him that almost anyone else,

"So what? If there is something I learned, is that everyone uses everyone. You may be using me because you want a star pupil, I am using you because I want to learn what you have to teach me and I didn't want to end in the orphanage, We both benefit from it, so you shouldn't really feel bad from it." *Yeah Ranma did end catching a few things from Nabiki*

[Sunshine Temple]

I'd like to put on my Admin hat and call for some calm here.

There have not been flames yet, but the topic does seem to be getting heated.

As a writer, when you post here you may get commentary and critiques. They may suggest changes that you do not think are in error or suggest story directions that you do not want. That's okay. You're not under any obligation to take their ideas.
(Though for nuts and bolts things like grammar and spelling one might wonder why you posted for commentary.)

And for the commentator, the writer may not agree with what you've said. That does happen too.