Variation: Lost and Found [Ranma/Sailor Moon]

[Vahn]

What about dragging out the good old Warm Fuzzies tag?

Forgot about those tags lol!

[PCHeintz72]

Maybe so in retrospect but at the time I tried to think of the most harmless idiom to compare it to and that's the best I could think of

Sniggers...

To paraphrase Ghostbusters... Nice Thinking Vahn.

The complete quote:

The Choice Is Made The Traveller has come

Nobody chose anything

Did you Choose anything. No. Did you. My mind is totally blank. I didn't choose anything.

I couldn't help it. it just popped in there.

What... what just popped in there

I I tried to think

Look

No

It Can't Be

What. What did you do Ray.


It is the Stay Puft marshmallow man

Well there is something you do not see everyday.

I tried to think of the most harmless thing,

something I loved from my childhood,

something that could never ever possibly destroy us

MR StayPuft

Nice Thinking Ray

Meh... for some reason, it was the first thing to come to mind.

[talonhunter]

Hehehe...nice thought J st C...^_~

Another Omake Vahn??? Go for it, it should be fun

[Té Rowan]

You alright there te?

Yep, just had an attack of the giggles when my mind veered off on a tangent, imagining the Inners trying to get Neptune to pull a Nabiki and rent out her swain.

[talonhunter]

OMG!!! what if Nabiki decided to rent Ranma out to the inners as part of her revenge plot against Ranma for making Akane so sad. And Minako paid for six months in advance to try and keep him away from Michiru...no wonder she would be cussing...^_^

[Vahn]

Well, Michiru would go up to Nabiki and with Pluto help literally fuck her up That girl is the green eyed monster when it comes to Ranma. Worse come to worse might eve Sicced Haruka on Nabiki after all , Haruka love aloof cold girls. Fact.

[Spokavriel]

You know there is something that was overlooked for the C&C on this one. Here is a work in progress list of errors to fix. Lightning is making me worry about losing my progress on it. I'll get through the rest and the Omake soon weather permitting.

+++ On top of a training heading to Osaka beach +++

A training what? Or is it just a train?

Genma asked his son as he inspects their belonging and water proofed their money.

Guessing that was belongings and proofs They have more than one belonging and inspects is current active in tense so water proofing should be the same.

He didn't want to tell her since he did agreed to be her fake boyfriend after all.

Either did agree or had agreed they go in pairs that way.

"Why I bet there's a girl destine for you in the future!"

Destined, destiny is funny, because in its nature it is preordained it almost always gets a past tense while talking about the future.

Dressed in a baby blue loose Chinese style shirt and black kung fu pant, he was a direct contrast to the black jackets, white button up shirts and black slacks the male of his school wore.

Never did get a good explaination why Pants has to have the s but that's the word.

Unlike most schools who gave their students only one free day to do what they wanted for self-study, the Principle of Furinkan had given the students two before making them reconvene together on the final day.

Principal in schools is your pal. Even the coconut brained ones with palm trees growing out of their heads.

Breaking off from Ranma, the head of Kaioh Corp looked at Ranma.

One of these Ranma instances should be replaced with a him.

She asked as her two bodyguard had finished answering the recently arrived policemen who were handcuffing the two would be robbers.

Lost an s on bodyguards.

Suddenly a mischievous smile lit up on the Kaioh head face as she intertwine her arms with that of Ranma's and leaned against him.

Missing a d for the intertwined that fits here.

"Madam, might I remind you that you have several appoints today before your guest arrives tomorrow?"

appointments

Ranma said once again, him staying with Michiru's mom? Now that he thought about it maybe it would be better then wandering the city for two days by himself.

Are you sure this doesn't need another punctuation mark? Perhaps before maybe?

Umi threaten in the same tone she used in the business world.

threatened

"Hee hee, none of that, "Umi said as she pulled him toward a limo that had just arrived

There is a quote before Umi on the wrong side of the space.

Ranma had tried to politely declined again but shut his mouth at the hard glare the Kaioh matriarch was giving him.

Guess this is where one of the earlier missing d's got to. Tried is already carrying the tense so decline doesn't need the d.

Setsuna, Guardian of the Time Gate, but more well known as Sailor Pluto, said groggily as she shamble down the stairs in an oversized t-shirt that clearly did not belong to her and black lacey underwear.

Almost saying too much at once. A bit more punctuation might help.

Setsuna, Guardian of the Time Gate, but more well known as Sailor Pluto said, groggily, as she shambled down the stairs in an oversized t-shirt, that clearly did not belong to her, and black lacy underwear.

The only time I do a comma before an and is when the and goes with the word before what is being highlighted. Here the description of the T doesn't really go with the underwear so it needs a bit of seperation. I might be using it wrong though, your choice. The way to avoid the comma before the and is to put the clothing part that needs explanation at the end.

down the stairs in lacy black underwear and an oversized t-shirt, that clearly did not belong to her.

"I'll got it Setsuna-Mama!"

get

Hotaru said quickly as she made the coffee for Setsuna who was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, smiled affectionately at the younger girl.

More punctuation alternatives and one wrong version word.

Hotaru said quickly, as she made coffee for Setsuna, who was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and smiling affectionately at the younger girl.

A moment later a the loud slamming of a door against the wall startled the house occupied at their fourth member made her presence known.

Occupants, as their You know occupied just didn't fit here.

Haruka said before her eyes widening realizing that's was the thing she should NOT have said.

The current part is realizing so widened this time.

"Hmmph, what was so important that you left for four in morning anyway?"

for at four I know its technically ok this way but it sounds wrong in my mind.

NERIMA IS NOT MORDOR ;^P

The moment Michiru heard Haruka's declaration was the moment Setsuna was hosed with said water in her mouth. Turning her wild eyes to said poster sure enough there was an image of her one time boyfriend now hanging in her living room wall.

Punctuation missing. After declaration, And after water, after eyes, after poster, and after boyfriend.

Michiru for once had no answers, she never told anyone of her past or that she had a boyfriend beside her mother. To her it was a treasure memory but one that she did not want to rehashed even with her most intimate lover...yet somehow the boy found his way back to her, in a manner of speaking.

Punctuation and a wrong word choice again.

Michiru, for once, had no answers. She never told anyone of her past, or that she had a boyfriend, beside her mother. To her it was a treasured memory, but one that she did not want to be rehashed, even with her most intimate lover... Yet somehow the boy found his way back to her, in a manner of speaking.

Haruka looked at Michiru strangely while Setsuna looked at the aqua hair girl expectantly.

Comma after strangely

Michiru said suddenly that made people question what was going on. If she thought she didn't look suspicious she was dead wrong.

More punctuation, after suddenly and suspicious.

Haruka said with a pout, now she can't show off her memorabilia now.

One of the now needs to go. Your choice either one being removed fixxes it.

He HAD to thank Ranma, after he showed ups dressed as Vita, the producers were moved by their fandom that they received signed merchandise from the staffs!

Easier to revise then point out the problems one by one here.

He HAD to thank Ranma, after he showed up dressed as Vita, the Producers were so moved by their fandom that they recieved signed merchandise from the staff!

I'd probably make it each getting stuff from the entire staff to make it even more momentus but that's your call.

However before she could say anything else five blacks tinted vehicle pulled up to the hotel.

Comma after else, five vehicles with black tinted windows. The whole vehicle is usually painted but windows get tint. Or even Black vehicles with tinted windows. Just not black tinted vehicles.

Wait how many Vehicles in this Motorcade exactly? I think people can see 5 or "at least 5" meaning there were more to come. If its the center of the 5 then the Limmo and the 4 SUVs around it (With more than one clearly stated SUV gets plural) Its just the way you describe the SUV's positions its a bit hard to be certain there are only 5 vehicles there.

"What's the hell up with you guys?"

Displaced 's Move it from what to hell

A woman voice asked.

Need another 's here. The voice is belonging to a woman after all.

A second later the voice owner revealed herself and stunned the fiancée in question at how pretty she was not to mention how the woman was looking at her amused.

Repeat 's needed the owner belonging to the voice. Also need a comma after was, possibly also before amused.

"Why just to keep an old lady company is all," Umi replied unconcern then suddenly had a devious smirk on her lips.

More punctuation. I fail to use it often but see places in here. Also unconcerned. So commas go after Why, then company, and unconcerned.

Akane looked surprised, usually potential fiancée tried to cut her out but this woman just invited her, which must mean she was not a fiancée.

Only missing one , here between out and but.

Umi said and to everyone shock hugged the pig tailed boy affectionately.

everyone's the shock belongs to the whole crowd. Also a comma after shock

"Uhh, Bye," Ranma said as she saw all eyes on him putting him on the spot. Still she was hugging him so he returned his ex-girlfriend mom with an awkward hug of his own.

Just had a bit of a mental spinout. Going to rewrite and leave it up to you.

"Uhh, Bye." Ranma said as he saw all eyes on him, putting him on the spot. She was still hugging him so he returned, his Ex-girlfriend's Mom's, affection with an awkward hug of his own.

A moment later the woman put on her expensive looking shades and entered the limo driving off into the night.

More punctuation. After later, and limo

Ranma turned around after the car was out of sight and saw everyone expectant looks.

everyone's expectant looks.

Well in most cases he might falter but where it concern Michiru, he had grown protective.

concerned

Akane looked worried at Ranma but then perked up.

worriedly and a comma after Ranma. Unless she perked up before she finished forming the worried look.

Is it really the next day? These Michiru events seem like they are rounding out the day before going to her Mothers home. Might want to save that tag for later.

Michiru had come back and apologized and say that the reason why she gave Setsuna an impromptu morning shower was because she was choking on the water.

Whenever you need two ands in a sentence there has to be a better way to phrase it.

Michiru had come back with an apology and said that the reason she gave Setsuna an impromptu morning shower was because she had choked on the water.

After straighten everything out, Michiru found her eyes wandering through the day looking at the pigtail boy poster wondering how he had become some kind of underground hero for martial arts fanatic.

straightening; throughout; comma after day; boy's; comma after poster; fanatics.

After that the day went normally but that night for Michiru she was unable to get any sleep, it had been years since she thought of her ex-boyfriend.

So did you put it on the rack or were other torture devices required? This sentence start is fairly well flubbed.

The day went normally after that, until Michiru found she was unable to get any sleep, it had been years since she thought of her ex-boyfriend.

Looks like a tag saying back with Michiru instead of specifying the day might allow how you wrote out those events for finishing the day to just carry it over for us.

Michiru said as she exited the cars and was greeted by maids and butlers of her family home.

I don't see how Michiru could have been in more than one car at this point in time. Drop the s

"Michiru!" Umi Kaioh dressed casually in slacks and blouses said as she embraced her daughter in a great big hug. "Hmmm, you have gotten taller again."

Is Umi layering? Wearing more than one blouse as a fashion statement? If not its another place to lose an s.

Hotaru said shyly prompting the Kaioh matriarch to embraced the young girl affectionately.

embrace no d

"You been well?"

I don't see her going strick in her manner and lax in her grammer fitting well together. "You have" for strictest but at least "You've" in this instance.

After all when she first saw her before she gotten together with Michiru, the woman had been cos-playing as a maid and well, to Haruka that was a fine piece of ass and hit on her.

Before she had gotten, before she'd gotten, before she got There are a few options but she gotten just doesn't work.

"If you don't mind my saying but the kitchen seem to be making an unusually large quantity of food,

Comma after saying, seems is missing an s

"Oh well, that's because I have guest's today as well,"

Ok how did Ranma and Akane take possession of the day? Just guests for plurality.

A far cry from her usually tough guy exterior that she tries to exudes.

Her usual tough guy exterior, her usually tough exterior, Its just usually makes the guy feel off. And exudes doesn't work with trying lose the s or the "tries to". The S is only there for when you are definitely doing it.

As for what Umi was hoping happened when Ranma meets Michiru again...well actual grandkids would be nice.

You keep forgetting you need a space after elipses. hoping would happen. It hasn't taken place just yet.

Double gasped came from Michiru and Haruka while the boy they were looking at looked at Michiru only with wide eye shock.

gasps and a comma after only.

Akane pestered Ranma again during their limo ride for the umpteen time about how he knew such a high powered lady.

comma after ride; umpteenth missing th;

Nabiki rates were legendary in its effort to milk you dry.

Nabiki's rates. their instead of its. There is a plurality to rates afterall.

Fending off Akane question for now he looked out the window at the moving scenery only to see the short hair girl opened her mouth a second later, almost making him physically groan in frustration.

Akane's question, for now, comma after scenery and open doesn't need the ed here.

"Look, I just don't want to talk about it, it not that I don't trust you or nothing I just don't want to talk about it."

I think you should lose the first "I just don't want to talk about it" and change the it comma sandwich into its

Akane follow suit a second later as she gaze in awe at the massive Greek style mansion.

followed suit, gazed; comma after awe

"Lady Umi is waiting with her guest."

You may not realize it but this comment as it is currently phrased is rather rude. It is implying Ranma is not a guest at all and doesn't even deserve to know that there is more than one actual guest already being attended to by the Lady of the house.

"Lady Umi is waiting for you, with her other guests."
Unless you wanted the insults to be there.

Ranma said and notice a yellow sport car in the yard.

Notices or noticed your choice.

As Ranma was led into the massive mansion he saw rows of servant on either side of the entrance bow formally to him and Akane.

Comma after mansion, servants needs an s, and comma after entrance

The Butler said as direct Ranma into a room.

as he directed and it should probably be the room instead of a room. A room could have been any one the room is the one they are in.

Walking in he was greeted Umi in his usual fashion and noticed the other people in the same room, one of them look oddly familiar in fact she looked like...oh shit.

Comma after in, greeted should be greeting; comma after familiar; AND MICHIRU DOES NOT LOOK LIKE SHIT! >:D J/K

Ranma eyes went wide as he stared at a girl he had not seen in over four years, a girl he had harbor secret feelings for despite being her fake boyfriend.

Harbored.

Haruka said being the first to recovered turning her to her girlfriend. Ranma Saotome, Ranma Saotome her personal hero had addressed her girlfriend on a first name basis!

That said this time could have been asked or quesitoned. It doesn't have to be said all the time. "recover" doesn't need the ed here. Then you have a direct repeat where it might flow better putting the emphasis as to why it repeats in the middle.

Ranma Saotome, her personal hero Ranma Saotome had addressed her girlfriend on a first name basis!?!
I know many sites won't allow the extra end punctuation but it just felt right to me so I added it.

Akane however saw something else completely, she saw Ranma eyes soften and looked at Michiru in a way she had never looked at any girls in Nerima and in a way it made her heart tighten.

There are a few ways you can take the slips in this one, especially on pronouns. I'll just do a quick rewrite though, hope I don't mess up what you were going for.

Akane however, saw something else completely. She saw Ranma's eyes soften as he looked at Michiru, in a way she had never seen him look at any girls in Nerima, in a way that made her heart tighten.

"Oh look the guy from Haruka-papa poster,

Need another 's Haruka does own the poster after all it goes on the papa for papa's

However to everyone surprised the two was still looking at each other in silence as if they were communicating telepathically.

's on everyone's and surprise loses the d; was should be were; need a comma after silence,

Akane said as she tried to get Ranma attention by waving her hand in front of his face yet to her ire he still only had eyes for the pretty green hair girl.

Ranma's; comma after attention; comma after face and after ire;

It the ex- lover reunited!"

Its and ex-lovers missing both those end s's

'Ranma Saotome Michiru's ex-lover?!

Missing an is or was here.

For Akane, she could not believe that Ranma never mention such a pretty girl, ever in all the time she known him.

mentioned ; need a comma after ever too shes or she'd before known him.

Umi said in surprised, as she looked at Haruka and Akane.

surprise

Haruka and Akane said in shocked looking between Michiru and Ranma simultaneously.

Shock doesn't need the ed here. I also think chorused might fit instead of said since they are in sync with eachother.

"Umu!" Umi said with a nodded.

No idea what Umu is but the ed on nod wasn't needed.

Both Ranma and Michiru corrected the Kaioh Matriarch at the same time then looked surprised at each other accurate memories before turning away to blushed in embarrassment.

Comma after time, each others accurate memories, and blush doesn't need the ed this time.

Haruka said as she realized Michiru was single when he met her.

When did Haruka start swapping gender? Think you lost an s.

Akane nodded as she realized Michiru never came looking for Ranma so there was no engagement.

Comma after Ranma,

'How he know her?!'

Many possibilities, don't want to guess at this one please fill in the blank between how and he.

"Yes, unfortunately they broke up because Ranma-kun father took him away,"

Another 's required even though Ranma may not want him he still has his father. kun's

"Ah poor young lovers, Michiru wanted you to stay back so much Ranma-kun but she was afraid of burdening you."

Really don't think you need the word back in here at all.

Ranma asked shocked looking at green hair girl he known so long ago.

Comma after shocked.

Michiru for some reason unable to meet Ranma gaze lest she become lost in his eyes again. She so enjoy those eyes that looked at her as if she was the only one that mattered in the world.

Comma after Michiru; after gaze; enjoy should be enjoys or enjoied; comma after eyes

Ranma prompted again this time more insistently.

Comma after again

Biting her lower lips Michiru gave a tiny soft nod.

You know she only has one lower lip unless you are suggesting she's nibbling in Haruka's favorite grazing ground. This scene doesn't have that feel at all. Drop the s on the lip.

"But I knew it was selfish to asked, your martial arts was too important to you..."

Just going to rewrite this one.

"But I knew it was selfish to ask, your martial arts are too important to you..."
Because the poster and comments about Nerima have already made it clear that The Art remains important to Ranma.

Ranma eyes soften and then looked at her with the same gaze he once did so long ago making Michiru breath hitch.

Might want to say soften further because Akane already witnessed them soften further than she recalls ever seeing.

Ranma's eyes soften further, then looked at her with the same gaze he once did so long ago, making Michiru's breath hitch.

Yeah you were missing possessive 's es again.

"If you ask me I would have tried, I'd have done anything for you..."

You had or you'd followed by asked you ask just feels more stilted than even Ranma talks. And with the mood its a bit too clunky.

Akane felt like she was punched in the gut while Haruka looked surprised once again at between Ranma and Michiru.

I think the sentence needs to end after gut. But what goes between at and between? Something is missing here and I hope you will fill it in.

Hotaru however just looked nervous between Haruka and Michiru.

nervously

Michiru replied much to Ranma shock, she realized back then that Ranma felt attached to her, he wasn't any better than her at keeping up the fake relationship.

Ranma's shock

He was marginally aware that Akane was watching but this was too important, he had bottle it up for the past four years.

Comma after watching.

"Michiru, there was something I wanted to tell that final night we were...together."

tell you, that

The one where none of his natural attitude show, the one where he simply confided into her.

showed

"I love you then Michiru and I still do."

loved

Akane once again felt as if she was punched in the gut while Haruka eyes widen in completely and utter shock. The hero she worshiped loved her girlfriend WHO had dated the hero she worshiped in middle school and he still LOVED her?!

I really think you need a period after gut. I was going to go play by play but I think I'll just rewrite it quickly. The changes aren't big just frequent.

Akane once again felt as if she were punched in the gut. Haruka's eyes widened in complete and utter shock. 'The Hero she worshiped loved her girlfriend, WHO she had dated. He loved her in middle school and he still LOVES her?!'

He said seeing the distress look on emotional storm on Michiru face, turning to Umi he gave a bow.

Comma after said, distressed; of an instead of on;

Ranma had no sooner exited that the butler had a limo waiting.

Between exited and that I think you lost something. Maybe along the lines of "exited, than he noticed that the butler"

There was no hint of accusation in neither tone nor confrontational overtures.

Wrong place for neither. Drop the n; comma after tone

His mind deep in thought as he compare the girl he knew then to the girl he knew now.

compares and he didn't get to know her now he just saw her now.

His mind deep in thought, as he compares the girl he knew then, to the girl he met now.

"But...but you say you loved her, that still love her,"

Lost a you before still

Ranma asked looking at Akane in surprised.

Surprise no d.

Akane said as she leaned in closer to Ranma and pressed her hand on his chest right over his heart surprising the pig tailed boy.

Comma after heart

"This belong to that girl back there ...I don't want just the shell."

belongs

[Vahn]

Thanks for the help, I actually forgot to post the new edited version of Variation: Lost and Found. I just did now see if there are still as many errors I do appreciate your help though can only make it better!

[Spokavriel]

::pout:: So now to start all over again ::sigh:: I hope it doesn't get anywhere as near as full a list.

[Vahn]

::pout:: So now to start all over again ::sigh:: I hope it doesn't get anywhere as near as full a list.

I think you would be more impressed as some of the wording itself changed while he did another numbers of things Most of the stuff i Had to correct was only half of it though there still needed to be commas galore! And you know those words want's da D!

[Spokavriel]

Not to mention tenses and possessive words. It all added up. Going to sleep then go over it again after some rest. Nighty night.

[talonhunter]

"I'll Got it Setsuna-mama" still need correction to get