The NEW Fanfiction Quote Topic

[Bliss]

From chapter one of Shade's Coming Home to Roost

"I'm doomed," he whispered in a tone devoid of all hope or thought of escape.
After all, where could he run to? They'd simply track him down again and just be in a worse mood when they finally got a hold of him. It was the kind of moment where one typically requires the entrance of a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on.
Ranma's father Genma walked in instead.

Here's one from chapter two

"Genma, is there something you'd like to tell me," interrupted Soun with a note of confusion in his voice. Was he missing something here?
"It's nothing. Oh by the way, Ranma's mother will probably be stopping by today to see us."
That last part finally snapped through Akane's stupor.
"Are you nuts?! Have you forgotten what'll happen she finds out that that-" she sputtered, jabbing her finger in Ranma's direction forcefully.
Ranma rolled his eyes.
"Look, the worst she can do is make me slit my belly open before chopping my head off."
"And what do you call that?!"
"Getting off easy."
Akane's mouth hung open as her retort died unspoken.
"well what are you waiting for? If you don't hurry up, we'll be late for school."
Ranma finished his cup of tea and grabbed his bookbag with the carelessness of a condemned man being led to the gallows.

And yet another one from chapter two

"Hey! Wait for me!"
Neither the pigtailed boy or the pagecut schoolgirl slowed their steady pace, so it took longer for the frantically running shorthaired tomboy to catch up to the two of them on the sidewalk.
"I told you to slow down, you jerk!"
Ranma didn't bother to respond, his head was constantly scanning his surroundings as he walked, paying particular attention to the rooftops and windows overhead. Every time a stray sunbeam reflecting off of a glass pane or metal windchime caught his eye he involuntarily tensed and started to dive for cover before catching himself. At least none of the damn cats napping in the morning warmth on the brick walls was ebony in color, they were mostly tabbies along with a few fleabitten tomcats. And there was still no sign of Shippu in the sky.
But they were out there somewhere, watching and waiting for him. And he was fucked six ways from Sunday when they finally got their hands on him. Ranma Saotome considered himself a premier martial artist, but even he had no illusions as to his chances against any of them one on one, let alone together.
After all, he'd seen them in action before. It had been a couple of years ago, but he doubted that they'd gotten anything but better since then. Frankly, Ranma would have preferred to face an army of horny Musk Dynasty perverts in female form with both arms broken rather then confront the most terrifying force he knew of in the entire universe.

Chapter three of Coming Home to Roost

He reached into his shirt again with his free hand and withdrew a second picture frame of the same shape and size as the first.
"This one's my wife."
An equally curious Nabiki joined the other girls in looking over the new picture. In it Tsuruko wore a daring metallic V-cut one-piece that strained to contain her sensual figure as she posed teasingly towards the viewer.
For the first time ever Nabiki finally understood just how Ranma could keep calling her younger sister an uncute tomboy who lacked any sex appeal whatsoever and actually mean it. It was like comparing shit to cream. She herself was straight and even she could tell that the picture was made of pure win.

Here's another one from Chapter Three

General Major Control attempted to impose emergency order. But the traitorous Private Parts mutineed and stood at attention as it sensed one of the true mistresses would soon be in control of the situation. The young man's mouth went bone dry as he realized his rising predicament.
Yeah, he was totally fucked now.

Heh. Here's yet another one from chapter three

"ANOTHER ONE," she(Akane) shrieked in disbelief.
How did he do it? Every single time she thought he couldn't get more perverted, there he was, proving her wrong. It was as if there was a 24 hour party being held in the Saotome boy's pants and she was the only one not invited.
"You...you MANWHORE!!"

[Siden]

Black Dragon's Ranma Saotome: Attorny at Law

Frieza yawned. "Yes, yes, that's nice. You, with the pigtail. Do want to say something?"
Ranma nodded and stood up.
"This case is an ongoing struggle. A struggle that is older than time itself. For you see, my clients have been given a power. A great power. And with it, they continue that struggle which has for so long existed, the struggle between right and wrong, good and evil, light and darkness. A struggle we all must face. And so, I say: begrudge them not their faults, and don't make them pay the scorpion lady all that money. For you see, with great power, comes great responsibility." Ranma bowed to the judge, then sat back on the bench next to the confused-looking Senshi.
"What did all that mean?" Mercury asked, frowning.
"I have no idea," Ranma whispered back, "but I think the dude with the horns found it a lot less boring than that other chick's statement."

"Huh. They did a survey here of men who are frequently beaten or blasted by their suitors, and found that of those men, 65% end up seeking the company of several other women as a result, and 35% become bitter, abusive people themselves." Ranma looked up from the magazine he was reading in thought. "I wonder what category I fit into."
"A little bit of both, I suspect." Inu-Yasha answered as he lined up his putt on the small green strip that served as a mini golf course in Ranma's office. "You did join a law firm."

Inu-Yasha immediately fell onto his hands and knees and inspected the fallen papers closely.
"............... Perfect! They're all lined up, and all the staples are in the left corner!"
"Yes!" Ranma made a "V" with his fingers. "The assault of a thousand staples in its master form! Bureaucracy at its best!"
*Bonk!* The attorney's hand dropped as a sign collided with his head.
[Idiot! You took twenty-two seconds! Your time has gotten worse!] Genma stared down at his son condescendingly, shaking his furry head.

[gsteemso]

The Harry Potter story I quote below started off as a one-shot, written solely for the technical exercise of creating an “anti-Mary-Sue” — a background character with minimal effect on the main storyline — so of course it's a bit light on plot, but don't let that put you off! Even though the story is mainly a romance, I still kill myself laughing at least once per chapter, every single time I reread the thing.
From chapter 17 (titled “A Ballot,” for obvious reasons) of “The Family Clock” by Jan. McNeville:

“Jessie...wow. I didn't know you could...wow.” She looked at me, smiled slightly and leaned closer –then abruptly leaned back so her back was flat flush to the wall.
“Charlie, I forbid you to be impressed by that speech.”
“Why? It was wonderful.”
“It was rank rubbish, at least when I started it! I had to get help from Ginny, Hermione and Luna, as well as what I cribbed from Professors Sprout, Flitwick and Snape. It was practically a stage play.”
“...Flitwick and Snape?”
“Well, where did you think the gestures came from?” She smiled a little more normally. “I really don't know a damned thing about how to speak in public, so I just kinda copied them best I could…” I helped her off with the blue coat. She had on her best vest underneath, and one of her loosely long-sleeved shirts. My shirt looked similar, but the vest left no doubt as to her gender. Drat Ginny sometimes.
“Er…I don’t see how you copied Snape…”
“Well, that was also kind of a ‘what not to do’…but I did point up. People making speeches always point up a lot when they talk about happy things, and they make hand slashes when they talk about stuff that’s to be got rid of, and if things are bad they hold on to the podium.” She sounded so matter-of-fact, and so terrified it was hard not to smile. “At least, that’s what Hermione said. Luna reckoned I should’ve worn a boat-tailed grackle hat, but Ginny said no…I should’ve.”
“…A what?”
“Boat-tailed grackle. It’s a sort of bird…I don’t think they’d be attempting to elect me if I’d just worn the damn grackle hat. I knew I should’ve listened to Luna, she is a Ravenclaw, after all...but was she sure it was the grackle hat? What about a duck?”
“Jessie, you don’t look well.”
“Of course I don’t! I can’t believe this happened! …Why do these things always happen to me?”
“What?”
“It’s always like this! Every time something scary happens, I’m the one it happens to!” That didn’t make a speck of sense, but I listened politely. “Like in seventh year! Professor Grubbly-Plank gave a prize for the best owl perch and I had to stand up in front of everyone! And in third year, Professor Snape once actually said that I was the least mentally-deficient waste of academic space in the class. I wanted to die!”
“Er…those are both good things, though.”
“Oh, for the people that like them, yeah, but not if they’re scary!”
I suddenly understood.
“Jess…you’re shy!”
“Ya think?”

[Neko-]

Some from chapter 23 of Guardian... And I've made them tiny to not spoil it for anyone who wants to read the thing first prior to being possibly spoiled:

"Miss Chikiko evidently went insane after being cornered by one of the enemy units. She then killed the ones that were threatening us, insisted that her name was 'Akina', and then entered the station, presumably to rape Saotome."

"You! Core guy! For the love of God! HELP ME!!" Ranma shouted desperately, his arms shaking.
Corporal Tsuma shook his head. 'Like I'm stupid enough to try and stop her?' He had come close enough to getting killed already, thank-you-very-much, and he was planning on leaving this warzone with his skin intact.

[Cyber_Skaarj]

One from Dragonball R: No Need For A Saga

Symptoms: You are trapped on an intergalactic space ship with five hormonally crazed magical girls, a guy who refuses to take off his tuxedo, a boy that gets lost on his way to the bathroom, a reincarnation of a galaxy destroying monster, and a ditzy galaxy police officer that happens to be your great-great-great-great-(you get the picture)-granddaughter is currently your pilot.
Probable Cause: You are in hell.
Solution 1: Kill them all.
Repercussions: No allies in the upcoming battle with an unknown foe at the coming destination, and you would have a hard time explaining what happened to them when you meet up with your other allies.
Solution 2: Expose them all to sleeping gas.
Repercussions: Allies would likely turn on you when aforementioned battle was over. This would really crimp your plans of getting any sleep until you defeat Kagato and return to Earth.
Solution 3: Pull hair out and scream in frustration.
Repercussions: Nothing will change about the situation, but you will feel a little better.

[Questara]

"Not my style, and anyway I ain't frightened for me. If I'm surprised in a fight I tend to level anything I label as a threat and then ask 'what the?'"

Ranma, Pheonix Ascension

[Steiner]

And now, here they were, at ‘Swine Skin Disfigurement’ Academy (God, who named these places?)

GigaBomb's Strangers in a Strange Land

[Questara]

Isis gulped, “I belong to a group known as the Tomb-Keepers who keep Pharaoh’s memory and the secret of the God cards. My brother was chosen to receive the honor and burden of carrying the information to the next generation.”
“If I was told the procedure correctly your people stupidly tattooed a chosen one with the information. The process was painful and could if the subject was unwilling result in insanity.” frowned Geb.
“Oh great another Neko-ken.” groaned Ranma, “Let me guess. This time your little method went wrong and your brother has gone totally nuts.”
“My brother is not nuts.” snarled Isis “he has been possessed by an evil spirit. There was always a risk that would happen but the method had always worked in the past.”
“I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM HEARING!” exploded Ranma. “Pops put me through the Neko-ken because like an idiot he never read the manual all the way through. But you collection of baka knew the risks and still went through a process that has resulted in another Neko-ken trainee want a be running around? Congratulations your entire people are officially dumber than my late father.”

Shadow Ranma 2x3

[Seraphim]

For example, during the Battle of Sekigahara Plain, one Itsuno
Kuno had distinguished himself by taking seventeen enemy heads and
presenting them to his master on pikes. With such a fearsome
warrior, his penchant for wearing a rabbit strapped to his head had
been charitably overlooked.

Girl Days

[Questara]

THWAM!
"Shampoo was saying 'no' to Mousse for many year before Ranma ever show up," Shampoo reminded the cratered Mousse. "Shampoo would marry complete stranger before marry Mousse."
Mousse pulled himself up and glared at that last remaining customer. "For stealing the heart of my Shampoo, I cannot forgive you!"

THWAM!
"Shampoo is not YOUR Shampoo. And was just example." Shampoo began to look thoughtfully at the customer. "Though Mister Customer do look cute and if Shampoo not get airen then maybe someone else help Amazon on rebound..."
The customer was trying to decide if fleeing for his life would be construed as a mortal insult.

Chi Journeymage

[Seraphim]

Under ordinary circumstances, Sailor Moon would have made a speech about love, justice, and/or ethics that reinforced her personal moral code (which was, for the most part, shared by much of the rest of the human population). Such speeches also contributed to her image as an upright citizen of the world, and a good role model for young girls. However, this was most decidedly not an ordinary circumstance — this was the premiere of a movie in Samuel L. Jackson’s “Deadly Animal on a Mode of Transportation” series, and therefore, Usagi found herself caught up in the general atmosphere that can only be created by a deliberately campy horror movie, which explained Sailor Moon’s rather unconventional Speech of Condemnation™: “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking youma in this motherfucking theater!”

“No fair,” Llobewu whined weakly. “You’re just a stupid girl! Why aren’t you cowering at my awesomeness…?”
Sailor Moon was shocked by this statement — so much so that she dropped her battle stance. “Are you serious? I’ve been doing this for more than three years, and you actually thought that you could faze me by just looking scary? God, you’re an idiot.”
“No, I’m not… you just aren’t playing fair….”
“You’re right — if I wanted to put myself on a level playing field with you, I probably wouldn’t have transformed in the first place.”
“But—”
“Shut up. You are, without a doubt, the stupidest, lamest, most incompent, and most pitiful excuse for a monster I’ve ever had the dishonor of facing in my entire career as a superhero. I don’t see why I should have to waste any more of my time dealing with you.”
“Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you suck harder than a prostitute drinking a milkshake, that’s what. Moon spiral heart attack.”

Coupled Union - Tick Tock

[Neko-]

Coupled Union - Tick Tock <-- Now that one I did not know... but hell... That sounds promising!!!!

[Sunshine Temple]

Coupled Union - Tick Tock <-- Now that one I did not know... but hell... That sounds promising!!!!

Neko, this is off topic. You've been warned.

[Seraphim]

Mousse was struggling against the grip of a remarkably tall and
pneumatic blonde in a honest to gosh chainmail bikini who was
cuddling him and caressing him and hugging him and squeezing him and
doing damn near everything but calling him George. She apparently
preferred to call him Angel.

"Shampoo no want Mousse, but Mousse is Shampoo's Mousse that
Shampoo no want!"

Girl Days

“Are you going to tell me that that one thing that you have that I don’t is a soul, because if that’s the case, then I have heard that many times before.”
“No, actually, I was going to say opposable thumbs”
Kyuubi’s face froze in shock as he looked down at his paws and growled something that sounded suspiciously like “Stupid humans lording their opposable thumbs over me, I’ll destroy them all.”

Shadow Fox

[bissek]

From For the Love of My Friends

"Alright. Ten questions. I'll answer them to the best of my ability, and if I can't answer them at all, you get a free question." Kakashi said, his elbows resting on the back of the chair.
...
"Are you always such a pervert?" Sasuke wondered out loud, his eyes wide at Kakashi's idea of a good 'get well' gift.
Without hesitation, Kakashi answered, "Yes. On to question two." Sasuke winced when he realized that he had accidentally used one of his questions already.