gangly alien draped
Alien? Never really heard them referred to with that term before.
"We have close air support and Azazel assets but with the Angel this close to the ground- We're reading an energy spike!" Captain Ayanami's voice suddenly shouted.
Flow could be better. Fight in general could use some more description. It's ok but not really up to the fight scene standards you established previously in this story.
was released as ionizing gamma radiation and x-rays and less the pressure shockwave the Russians preferred to use.
Lots of 'ands' and not very clear overall.
comet-like Angel – stubby,
stubby is just kind of hanging
slowness it... still dropped
Odd ellipses use.
A familiar lunged at her,
Could probably do with describing the beasties again I barely remembered them.
Flaps and rudders twisted as the
Fight scene is technically ok here, but I'm not getting any human drama. It's perhaps too clinical needs some more emotion.
"Waahh, uwaaaahhh! Ahhh!" Shinju screamed as her hands... her
Needs to be stronger. It's a pretty breaking scene for Shinji so alternatively showing how Shinju deals with this differently and deals with the pain and pushes it down would be better. Her grimacing in pain and forcing herself to push on even though she feels immense pain would seemingly fit her character more. So either you've understated this or overstated it. Her later laughing crazily is good but here...I don't know just feels wrong.
Her arms limply held at her sides, Shinju watched as the
I can't remember if they introduced the permanent organ thing to replace the umbilicals in your story yet...If they haven't this isn't a problem with this amount of damage and such? Would think they would've gotten cut.
to clocks you
to clock you
Softly illumination revealed the modified plug.
Softly illuminating the modified plug.
aside as her waste tubes were retracted and then slotted her crotch plate black into place
Think we can do without that really, a bit too disturbing for me.
"Sorry guys... this... this we've got to tell you.
this is urgent. Sounds better maybe?
"Really, this isn't good,"
Wouldn't, 'this can't be good' fit in better?
on the giant screen
on some giant screen
insane, impractical, and expensive for the Cold War's Strategic Defensive Initiative
Insane? I'll agree with the other two but insane no. Also with all the radiation they've been releasing wouldn't the city be uninhabitable by now? There is a reason large nukes aren't used quite so often.
"You're... feeling inadequate?" Hikari blinked. "You drove a forty meter tall war machine armed
THEY ARE KIDS. You keep doing this. They're kids, they shouldn't be having this deep a conversation. Having them talking and not being able to understand their part in the bigger picture works well. This? This just feels weird. And then this flows into innocent humor? The transition is just so weird. This works when you're writing monsters or non-humans that isn't the case here.
research institutions, museums
, and museums
"Yes, the refugee crisis is especially acute in the Channel area, with London, Brussels, and Paris so close. Of course Copenhagen and Berlin make their own pair.
Little kid. Really she understands all that?
on my one of my
delete first my
"You don't get it do you? You've got a twisted little clone family and the monstrous abomination that was raised by –well- you is the normal one. Even I can see that, and I was raised by a woman that abandoned me for a computerized copies of herself."
Needs work.
Overall this was ok but it's missing soul. It was a lot tighter then the previous chapter which was good, but there really wasn't much for the characters here. There development is kind of flat. I'd suggest something like an inclusion of them seeing footage of the destruction and reacting, or just some emotional outburst from your highly changed characters and give your readers something to reconnect with. Other then that have to say I did skip over the weapon development conversation just couldn't make myself read that bit. All in all this was ok but really could use with some more impact. Structurally this is technically your most solid story. Very solid beginning middle and end structure appears to be showing up, but character development wise this really needs more.