Chaotic Moon: Chapter 1

[Ellen Kuhfeld]

A man with long black hair and a mustache is reading from a very ‘interesting’ postcard.

Don't start with the present tense, then go back to the past tense for the rest of the story. It's a jolt, right at the beginning.

[Spokavriel]

So no Usagi in this world. And really the whole point to the Tsukino naming jokes from Sailor Moon are ruined... Its not bad but as the start to a story its a bit lacking. The way the events play we hear allot of names and no one is involved or focused on long enough for any character to be actually introduced. And unless you know one of the other stories already you're left with a resolution to a situation that gets glossed over and you don't really know anything about yet.

Why is Ranma accepting anything here? This is a house full of strangers and nothing has been told to her/im yet to create any connection or obligation to even pay attention to any of them. And even if Genma did mention Fiancee's like in cannon it was not shown here and for some reason Ranma is leaving with people he knows even less about and a red hair woman he just saw nearly killing Genma with as many cuts as her furry would allow her to make.

I'm having trouble really seeing how this works from any perspective aside from say Kasumi, Its all going quickly and the criminal is going to jail. Nodoka should be happy to have her child back. Everyone else should have at least Some questions that need to be handled before moving on.

[Shanami]

I agree with Spokavriel on the majority of his points.

This story jumps around a bit too much for what you have written. In no way do I have a problem with Ranma replacing Usagi as the entire basis of a story, but you have made some *major* changes to both series and didn't include much backstory at all. There needs to be a lot more in the way of details fleshed out in each of the scenes if you want this to work well.

Some things you might consider:

1) Flesh out the backstory about Nodoka and Kenji, it is very necessary. Is Shingo actually Ranma's half-brother or not? If so, he really needs to be introduced as such.

2) While I don't mind you skipping over canon details like the post-card reaction from the Tendo girls, when you make a major change to the canon plot like having other people around to hear the Jusenkyo story, you need to write out the details. First off, Jusenkyo is coming out immediately, so the reactions of the various Tendos will be different. Secondly, you have Nodoka, Shingo and Kenji there as well. They would clearly have questions. It is just too abrupt if you don't actually write out the telling of the Jusenkyo story a bit to detail those interactions.

3) The part where Nodoka nearly kills Genma might be worth writing out. Her yelling at him and chasing him around the yard while attempting to behead him while Genma tries to placate "No-chan" would be extremely amusing. As it stands, one second Ranma reveals the panda, the next moment it's over with already.

4) For the conversation between Kenji and Ranma: I might suggest writing in who is talking, among other things there. Having Ranma be a little more responsive would also be appreciated.

5) Since Ranma is replacing Usagi, it would be nice to get a description of this female form at some point during the chapter. Is his hair blonde? Does he do the odango thing or is it in a pigtail. Flesh out the world you are working with a bit.

Alright... that's most of what I had.

I am looking forward to where you do decide to go with this, but the current draft feels very rough. I'm especially looking forward to seeing Ranma's reaction to Luna, his reaction to Nodoka's mother/daughter bonding sessions that you've hinted at, and the whole Sailor Moon thing in general.

[TerraEpon]

Um, Ranma is refereed to as red-headed multiple times.

Actually there's no indication in the story that Ranma is replacing Usagi (though implied by Chronos the Cat story the OP mentions where it's the case). Usagi might not be there for whatever reason -- I actually seem to remember a similar story where Ranma and Usagi were twins or something...still I'm assuming the author intends Ranma to replace Usagi.

[Spokavriel]

Really need to get on the author of that one where they are twins about an update. He's doing a rewrite that got the first altered chapter posted to Spamville.

[ckosacranoid]

have to agree with everyone else...more flesshing out is needed to realy explain where you are going for the plot and just who these people are much less why they are doing what they are. the fight with genma is a sorce of much humor..needs to be more fleshed out just the same...