Crackfic: Facts

[Kadunta]

EDIT: Added the scene Makoto gave an idea to (Ryoga) and edited the fiancée designation scene.

EDIT: Pretty much the final version... I probably won't upload this to FF.net, since Chuck Norris is a non-historical and non-fictional character and that would go against the guidelines of content.

EDIT: Just to clarify, regardless of what my posts say in this thread, I consider this fic now finished and won't add more stuff to it.

--

I was planning the next chapter of Origami Horse, when I began to wonder who the supposed Great Man posing as Ranma could be, from the British Library's point of view.

Two choices came to mind... Bruce Lee... and, well, you-know-who. (If you know better choices, let me know and I'll seriously consider using them; it's not that the identity of the person matters.) And that's where I got the idea to this fic.

Goals in this fic: At most 2,000 words, or perhaps less than 1,000 words. No real overarching plot, just a sequence of events based on the original change. We have pretty much the definition of Gary Stu and "Ranma" shares only the name with the canon character.

I intend to cut down the intro to many of the scenes because this should be a very tightly-packed sequence of jokes. The 'facts' interspersed in the story will not carry the fic for long and the change in Ranma from canon is not, in my opinion, suitable for basing a long or serious fic. The fic would be very heavily targeted to those who are very familiar with Ranma 1/2.

I intend to add a few more scenes between the ones below, but they would still be rather disconnected. In your opinion, should I throw in more details anyway?
-- start fic here --

AN: Try to imagine he is not Ranma. That's the way I managed to finish this feeling only too bad about him being very much of a Gary Stu. None of the characters and people mentioned in this fic belong to me in any sense. I make no money out of this effort.

--

The relative peace and quiet of Jusenkyo was broken by a father-son duo fighting over the springs. Then there was also the guide shouting at the martial artists to stop, but the focus of all sentient beings by the springs was on the two fighters.

Splash.

"Wha--- wha--- a panda?!"

Smack!

"Oh s***!"

Splash.

When the best are the best with a very wide margin, only the best themselves can be a challenge to them. It does not pay to rest on their laurels, so they have considerable problems finding a good match... unless...

Fact: Chuck Norris does not drown. He does not nearly drown. The spring gets cursed out of the fear of Chuck Norris halfway across the world.

In Nerima, a lonely housewife named Nodoka felt her "manly son" senses tingling. The tingling soon escalated to her hyperventilating, as the seppuku pact on her table tore itself into several pieces. Her mouth opened to the point of nearly dislocating her jaw as she passed out with a scream.

"So... manly!"

--

Over a cliff, a boy with a yellow-and-black bandana looked down at the valley littered with pools of water. He saw two characters fighting over the poles before they fell into the water. As the second figure stood up from the water, he felt the ground shake. The ground beneath his feet gave way and sent him tumbling down the steep slope.

The characters at the other side of the pool seemed to be leaving the springs. He took a few quick steps towards them and stepped straight into a pool.

Fact: One pool of sorrow is not enough to contain all of Chuck Norris.

Ryoga stood up in the pool. As he took a step forward, he felt that his balance was somehow wrong. As he took support from the grassy edge of the spring, he noticed that his hands looked more feminine than he remembered. As he brought his hands closer to his chest, he saw something unexpected at the edge of his vision: breasts far too large for a male.

Instead of fainting with a bleeding nose, she fell into a panic attack. On the plus side, she didn't see her face yet. On the negative side, when she did, she would scream high and loud over having a full beard.

--

Cologne watched as the two cursed individuals walked away from the village. The young warriors, Shampoo included, had been most eager to challenge the young boy after seeing his prowess. But once their curses had been revealed... their leaving hadn't happened without problems.

Fact: Chinese Amazons have the kiss of death and the kiss of marriage. Chuck Norris has the roundhouse kick.

--

Soun carefully watched the boy before him. Had he been in his other form, he would not have dared to do this.

"Here are my daughters, son! Kasumi, 19; Nabiki, 17, and Akane, 16. Pick one and she'll be your fiancée!"

Nabiki definitely wanted nothing to do with Ranma. When he was that bearded foreigner, he definitely exuded the feeling of extreme danger -- to the point that Nabiki was deathly afraid of pulling her tricks on him. She was no fool, so she was going to pass the puck.

Kasumi remembered his bearded form. His young form definitely did not hold a candle to him. He was everything her romance novels had for the male leads. No, he was definitely not "young and boring". Unfortunately, his young side looked to be just like that, but on the other hand, who wasn't compared to him.

For some reason she couldn't figure, Akane felt trepidation. She was not going to marry him, no way! And he couldn't scare her either, she was the best fighter in Nerima!

But now that he didn't have that beard, she could challenge him to a fight! She didn't notice how much she was doing the equivalent of mental shouting and the strangeness of the thought of the beard being the real reason she was... hesitant to challenge him.

"He wants Akane," Nabiki said. By her side, Kasumi seconded the middle sister's words.

"It's decided!" Genma and Soun announced. "Ranma will be marrying Akane!"

"What! I am not marrying that... that... boy! Ranma Saotome, I decide you into a fight over the engagement!"

By now, Ranma had learned that he had the ultimate weapon in his disposal. He grabbed a glass of cold water and splashed himself.

Fact: Chuck Norris's engagements are not decided by others. He dictates the rules of engagement.

--

Ranma was not one to keep his head down. When trouble sought him out, he solved the situation.

Fact: The stare of Chuck Norris can scare Kodachi Kuno sane.

Not that he could, really. It was only a matter of time when the Real Thing heard of him. Who challenged whom? It didn't matter.

Ranma saw his opponent settling into a stance before him. This was different. Very different. It was the meeting of Martial Arts Gods, or so he thought, especially when he was in his cursed form. Of course, he was definitely not a slouch in his real form either! He just admitted that this form just was better.

The two martial artists circled each other in a 3-sphere. At an unspoken signal, they launched at each other a roundhouse kick.

Fact: When Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick connects with Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick, the universe breaks down and goes to cry in the corner.

--

AN: My deepest apologies to Chuck Norris. I'm not even certain who I'm parodying here... overpowered Gary Stu Ranmas? (Might work better in Harry Potter or Naruto.) Hopefully, now the British Library won't consider Ranma a clone of Chuck Norris in Origami Horse. In consideration (but never finishing) next... "Ranma Saotome: Secrets".

-- end fic here --

And that ends the fic. The supposed facts are of my own creation, as far as I know.

I'm thinking of inserting the dragon whisker soup (or was it porridge?) scene in there. The Amazon village would be, well, probably pretty stupid "Cologne challenges Ranma/Chuck Norris, loses and marries him" scene (or the whole village challenges him)... and I want to avoid writing this into a story where every female just falls down in awe at Ranma's feet, for which reason I'm not all that interested in writing that scene.

Had I watched Conan O'Brien's show, I would be very much tempted to try writing "Ranma Saotome: Secrets".

[Makoto]

Heh.

Alas, unfortunately... no solitary spring could contain the entire sheer greatness and strength that was Chuck Norris. There was, as expected, some bleed-off.

Many springs added a beard to their curse's features, that day.

Had I watched Conan O'Brien's show, I would be very much tempted to try writing "Ranma Saotome: Secrets".

But what would happen if Ranma became that red-headed foreigner? (Not sure I'd want to think about that one. ^_^; And I certainly don't want to consider any Spring of Drowned Insult Comic Dog ideas, either. Nope.)

[Kadunta]

Thank you -- by far a more positive response than the first one I got (which involved stabbing me to death).

Hmm. Great idea you have there. I'll just have to figure out who fell in the spring of drowned girl (now, bearded girl).

As for the cursed spring of the drowned talk show host... I don't know how to justify getting the spring cursed.

[Spokavriel]

A Party official from the PRC gets dragged to the comedians show against his will by his wife and becomes the choice target of the joke themes. Of course he takes it badly. And he decides the world would be a better place without said comic.

[Kadunta]

Added a scene and edited another in the first post (pretty much acted on Makoto's suggestion).

I'm feeling under the weather, so I'm not all that energetically writing more of this (this means I'm not going to find the whisker story arc in my Ranma books until I get better).

I am pretty uncertain about how good the "engagement fact" is. I have a feeling it's pretty bad, but can't figure out a better one.