The White Devil of the Moon Chapter 5

[Spokavriel]

I was thinking about this a bit more. To really get that sense of estrangement where they wouldn't associate at school I'd expect them to be using family names not personal names. Kino-chan Mizuno-chan Hino-chan is still a bit more familiar than I could see really fitting them if they wouldn't call or associate enough in school to arrange an emergency meeting after classes because of the Public revelation of their existence.

[bissek]

I've just posted another revised version.

Oh, and Comartemis, in response to many of the comments on the Spacebattles thread, the reason I chose Rei and Makoto for the stupid action role is because they're the more temperamental members of the team. Ami isn't the kind of person to go for a preemptive strike, and Minako had met Fate and Nanoha and as a result didn't think that one was justified. Haruka and Michiru would have been even more plausible for Senshi likely to go for a preemptive strike against a perceived threat, but I haven't even decided if they're going to show up at all. Hotaru I have plans for, the presence of any other Outer outside of omakes is uncertain.

Rei and Makoto screwed up. That's indisputable. That doesn't mean that I'm going to use them as Butt Monkeys for the rest of the story. They will get the opportunity to redeem themselves, though I haven't worked out exactly how just yet.

[Spokavriel]

Much better. But you still have this.

“Well, I did get an explanation, but you’re going to believe it.” Fate said.

Doesn't the phrase usually go "not going to believe it"?

[bissek]

fixed

[frice2000]

“We have ended up walking into the middle of a war. Both sides of the war seem to think that you’re the reincarnation of a long dead princess of a magical kingdom that was destroyed thousands of years ago.”

What I would love to see around here is a flashback or memories from the dream. Maybe Fate mentions that the enemies name is Beryl and Nanoha remembers that name from her dream in regards to the redhead attacker. Would really give the scene more power and scare them a bit.

[Spokavriel]

Frice you seem to be asking for information that the characters wouldn't have yet to be shared to trigger memories.

[frice2000]

Not at all. Insert a line of dialogue when Beryl pops in, within Nanoha's dream, and attacks and threatens them from Endymion saying her name. That seems to be something that would happen. Something like, "You'll never get away with betraying your planet Beryl!" or something similar is quite logical in that situation. Also it would be part of a briefing to have Venus share the name of the leader of the Dark Kingdom which Fate then parrots back in her short briefing with Nanoha regarding the threat. Makes the whole thing far more serious and Nanoha far more introspective about her dream being reality. I don't think on either side it's information that would not be known and it feels logical and very emotional and dramatic to me.

[Spokavriel]

Thats the catch. Given the timing and all aren't the Senshi still going against the Dark Kingdom not knowing Beryl's name yet? Not knowing the size of the Dark Kingdom only that they keep showing up and occasionally winning since Usagi wasn't there to dust them? The people they know the names of are the Shitenou that they have fought against and the monsters they dusted. They might have heard Metallia mentioned a time or two. But I don't see where they would have heard Beryl's name yet.

[frice2000]

Argue that the cats memory is Swiss cheese fine, but knowing the name of the leader of the opposing side is something I think they would know and recall easily. Barring that I have no doubt the generals or even youma have dropped the name on occasion. Hell i would think that would even be quite possibly one of the memories that they themselves remembered from their pasts. Who is responsible for you dying might kind of be important in that situation. I mean going further it's possible Rei even divined the name or at least the likeness of their ultimate enemy. Lots of reasons why they would know and all feel pretty plausible. Just pointing out a pretty big and nice missed opportunity.

[bissek]

I've made a change to that effect to the master copy and posted it to fanfiction.net.