CATOC revised ch 1

[Tovath]

Been awhile since I posted any thing here, butI finished revising this and thought I would like to see what people here thought of it.

Curses Aren't The Only Change
Chapter 1
Disclaimer: I think that you are smart enough to figure out how much of this I own.

There are many different parallel worlds where the same people live sometimes greatly different lives because they or the people around them have made different choices, due to the butterfly effect simply stopping to look at the sky instead of the ground is all it takes sometimes. For example in one cluster of worlds lives a young man named Ranma Saotome, but what happens to him is different in each one. In one he ends up becoming the ruler of a large part of China and in another world he ends up dying from food poisoning. And in a third, well, that is what I am going to tell you about here.
The choice was that made the butterfly flutter in this world was that Genma Saotome decided to go to a bar. This was not an odd event, Genma went into bars all the time and this time he needed a drink even more then normal. The Neko-ken had seemed like such a good idea at the time, but the results were disastrous.
Genma was not the only one who was drinking heavily at this particular bar. A lawyer named Shiro Takakita was also there. One of his clients had just died in a plane wreak along with his wife. Their daughter was still alive though and he needed to figure out what to do about the brat.
After Genma and Shiro had each had a few drinks, they ended up talking to each other. Genma gave his well used rant about his ungrateful son in hopes of getting something. Shiro thought this was a great opportunity to both get rid of the kid and get his hands on the Kino's money. So he complimented Genma on his parenting skills and suggested a deal. Genma was very pleased with this deal Shiro had planned. Not only would he have managed to get a yearly payment, but his son would have a new sparing partner. The boy needed something that would take his mind off stupid things like being afraid of cats. Also he did feel a bit sorry for the girl having both of your parents die in a plane crash is hard.
But the story really starts when Genma's son, Ranma, and Makoto Kino are sixteen in London, England.

xxxxxxx

There he was. She hadn't lost him. She was going to track this thief to his lair and confront him there! It's bad enough, Sailor V thought, that I keep running into criminals when I am patrolling for signs of the Dark Agency, but why does this thief have to be Japanese like me? Normally Sailor V had no problems with chasing down random thieves, but tonight she was looking for something specific.
“Why ya following Genma?” asked a voice right behind her. Sailor V turned to see a brown haired girl about her age just standing there acting like being on top of a roof was perfectly normal. To cover up her surprise she said tersely. “He's a thief and must be punished.”
The girl mattered something too low to be heard then she punched Sailor V off the roof in such a way that she would fall right in front of Genma.
When Sailor V got up she decided to make the best of it. She pointed dramatically at Genma. “I am Sailor V and I will stop your evil crime.” Genma took one look at his attacker and burst out laughing. As one might expect Sailor V was less then happy at this reaction.
“Cersent Beam” She looked at the area where the thief had been. There was no way she could have disintegrated him right? She thought tight before being thrown into a wall. By the time she had gotten up again the thief was gone.

xxxxxxx

Minako Aino could barely get out of bed the next morning, which had been happening way to often lately. She was so tired. She briefly debated with herself about trying to convince her mom that she was too sick to go to school, but decided not to. It hadn't worked last time after all. She had just gotten was a lecture on not staying up all night partying with her friends. She really wished that had been the reason she was still sleepy in the morning, but it wasn't for one thing she had yet to make any real friends at school here. In truth she was the Soldier of Love Sailor Venus, although she was going by Sailor V right now.
Last night had been a long and fruitless one. After her defeat at the hands of that fat thief and his accomplice, she had spent half the night trying to find any sign of the missing boys. She had not been able to find so much as one trace of them. The Dark Agency had hidden them well it seemed. For some reason though she kept thinking about the face of that thief's accomplice instead of the boys, weird.
Artemis was taking a cat nap at the foot of her bed, so she pocked him to get him to wake up, maybe he would have some answers. “Do you have any way of tracking down those thieves from last night.”
“Minako we are suppose to be fighting the Dark Agency, not chasing down random thieves.”
This was an old argument between them and before she thought about it she said “It's not my fault that when I am patrolling for signs of the Dark Agency, I come across criminals and it would be wrong to let them get away with what they are doing.”
That may be true, but going out of your way, like now, to catch them is something different.”
“But these thieves are different...” Minako was interrupted by her mother calling up the stairs, “Minako you better get going if you want to get to school on time.”
Minako sighed, she really didn't want to go to school, “See you this afternoon' she called to Artemis as she left.

xxxxxx

Artemis had just arrived at Minako's school when a brown haired Interpol officer he knew walked up to him.
“Hi Artemis, Minako should be getting out of school soon, right?”
“Maybe Katarina, If she didn't get detention again. What are you doing here?”
“There is a situation that I thought I should inform Minako about.”
Artemis was about to ask what the situation was when Minako came rushing out of the school. “Hey Katarina,” Minako noticed her friend seemed to be very serious today, “Whats up?” Katarina gestured for Minako to get in her car.
Once they were all in and belted up Katarina started to drive and she explained. “I think you know that there have been a number of disappearances of teenage boys. About two hours ago The Dark Agency sent a letter to the police saying that they will kill all the missing boys at the East Side Park at 4 this afternoon if Sailor V doesn't show up.” She stopped the car and turned to Minako. “This is probably a trap you know. The Powers That Be have already sent several police squads to deal with it. You don't have to go, they should be able to take care of it.”
“Can't risk it,” replied Minako, “besides none of the officers have any magic do they?”
“No, I wish we could get Special Ops interested in our 'little problem.” said Katarina with considerable venom.
“Don't worry, you don't need them, you got me. So where's the park?”
Katarina had aparently expected Minako to say that. ”It's right around the corner,” she pointed. “Good luck.”
“See you on Saturday.” Minako said as she transformed and ran off with Artemis.
When Sailor V arrived at the park, she saw a cut, little girl being lowered from a blimp that said 'Petite Pandora: World's Cutest Wink' on the side. As the girl who was presumably Petite Pandora came down she winked at everyone. It was a disgustingly cute wink, it was also a magical mind control wink, but unlike the policemen there Sailor V was protected from it.
Petite Pandora looked around. “Sailor V! Where are you? I don't see you. Ah there you are. I'll get you for killing my sister Pandora, Sailor V” She yelled as she transformed into something that was neither little nor cute. “Kill her my slaves” All fifty of the boys that Sailor Venus had come to save and the policeman that had come turned to attack her. As Sailor V tried to fight everyone without hurting them, Petite Pandora gloated over he immanent victory and how she was going to collect so much energy for the Dark agency and they would revive their Great Leader and take over the world, etc etc.
All of the sudden Sailor V heard the sound of flesh on flesh and then a voice that seemed a bit familiar say “Man can't I go for a walk without hearing some looney ranting .” then all the people she was fighting collapsed.
Minako looked up to see a brown haired girl she recognized fighting the youma. She was doing a good job of it too, although trees the youma had ended up throwing blades into trying to hit the girl were never going to be the same. And wow neither was that tree that the girl had thrown the youma into. Hey, wait a minute I think I just saw something on her forehead.

xxxxxx

'Man, this thing's tougher then I thought it would be' thought Makoto 'And now what is it doing?' she could see it summoning a whole lot of blades which the monster threw at Makoto all at once, pinning her to a tree.
“Now, I have you” the youma said as she walked over to finish the job.
“Crescent Beam” the girl in funny clothes yelled as she shot off her attack. Before the Crescent Beam even impacted, Makoto had started to pull herself out from the blades. the symbol of Jupiter was glowing on her forehead, but she didn't know it. She was also not paying much attention to the fact that she had gotten a blade though her shoulder. She had seen how Sailor V defeated the youma though “Man, you have gotta teach me how to do that.”
Sailor V sweatdroped, that was not what she expected “Um I'm not sure if I can. Are you ok?”
“Ya” Makoto was going to say more, but she noticed that some of the guys that had been controlled by that thing were cops and they were waking up “Gotta go”
As Makoto ran off Sailor V realized why she seemed so familiar, that was the same girl that had been with that fat thief and tried to follow her, but she lost her very fast. “Who was that girl?” she said to her self as she detransformed.
Artemis managed to catch up to his charge in time to hear her question. “I believe she is Sailor Jupiter.”
“What you got to be kidding me, her. That can't be true.” Minako looked at Artemis aghast that a known thief would be a Sailor Senshi.
“I am not kidding, didn't you see the symbol of Jupiter on her forehead?”
“Um, well I did see something.”

xxxxxxx

Makoto walked up the stairs to the room Genma had rented much more slowly then she left the park. The minute she walked in the door Ranma noticed she was injured and jumped up. “How did ya get hurt?” He asked as he got out some medical supplies. Makoto replied “A fight” as she took off her shirt so Ranma could get at the wound.
Genma overheard this and yelled, “What you got in a fight, girl, you haven't been training hard enough if some mugger in this lousy country can hurt you.”
Only the fact that Ranma was treating her wounds stopped Makoto from beating some sense into Genma. “It wasn't a mugger I was fighting ya fat fool. It was a monster of some sort and I threw the damn thing though a tree and it wasn't hurt in the least. If you would just get off your ass and teach us a chi attack then I woulda killed it no time flat.”
Genma was about to give a scathing reply when he stopped and thought, a rare thing. He did have those schools he created. “In the next few days, I'll test the two of you to see if you're ready, so be prepared.”
“Yes, sensei” Makoto said glad that Genma was being serious for once.
As Makoto turned to thank Ranma for dressing her wounds, Genma noticed he could see his adopted daughter's breasts. “Put a shirt on now, girl.”
Makoto just shrugged “Can't have to sew it up first. Someone went and brought sake with the clothes money, remember.”

xxxxxxxxx

Next to Buckingham Palace is the Royal Gardens, many tourists come to stroll though the forty acre secluded garden, get lost in the maze and look out over the lake that is part of the garden. There were no tourists near the lake this afternoon when three people appeared seemingly from nowhere. One of them was a young Japanese male wearing travel worn yellow and black cloths, a bandanna was tied to his forehead and he had on a big ass backpack. The young man turned to his companions “This is actually the real world this time, right?”
“Mayhaps one might call it that. How much truth one might be using in that statement is not known. It is the world you grew up in though.” said the shorter and older of the two. “Now let us see if we can not find your lady love, Ryouga.”
Ryouga looked rather flustered and embarrassed. “I don't know if I would call her that, I mean I really like Makoto and all but we haven't even really gone on a date yet. We did almost go on one but that bastard Genma decided it would be a good idea to disappear before we could.”
Ryouga was about to go into a rant about Genma, which would have ended in him yelling 'Genma Saotome, prepare to die,' but the other person he was with defused the situation by saying it would be better if he just took Makoto out on that date they were planing to have.
“You're right I guess, Tomas, but I am still going to beat him up if I get the chance.”
“Of couse, but do remember that no song I know tells of good coming from revenge.” Tomas turned to his other companion, “Will you need my help with the finding spell, Puck?”
“No, is there a lady you want to go see?” Puck was hoping the answer was yes, for he thought Tomas needed a girlfriend.
“No just a production of a Midsummer Nights Dream. I will see you later.” The red haired young man said as he walked off.
“That is a good play. I do so like how I am portrayed in it.” Puck turned to Ryouga “Now pay attenshin, this is how you do a finding spell.”

xxxxxxxx

Minako wasn't paying much attention to the play her parents had dragged her to, in fact she didn't even remember that it the name of it was 'Midsummer Nights Dream.' She was to busy worrying about that brown-haired girl she kept running into when she was Sailor V. First that girl stopped her from catching a thief, then she helped me when I was fighting Petite Pandora, I don't get it. And if that isn't enough now Artemis is saying that she might be a Senshi herself how can a defender of Love and Justice be... oh cute boy.
The boy that had derailed Minako's thought process was sitting two rows down from her and was concentrating intently on the stage. He had red hair and a very cute face. Minako so wanted to introduce herself to him, but when she started to get up her mother stopped her. “Minako just watch the play. You can get up at intermission, honey.” Minako paid a lot more attention to the play after that since she wanted to have something to talk about with that cute boy at intermission.
“Speak of all loves! I swoon almost with fear. No? then I well perceive you are not nigh: Either death or you I'll find immediately.” With the actress playing Hermia saying these lines the act was over and it was time for intermission and Minako went hunting for the cute red-headed boy. She soon found him looking at the list of plays being preformed this season.
“Do you come to these kinda things often?” Tomas turned to see the person who had addressed him. Where he could not say that the girl standing before him was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, for he had seen many beautiful ladies at court, she did have a certain spark that was quite attractive to him.
“Yes, I try to come to William Shakespeare's plays when ever I can. I am very grateful that I was able to make it to this one.”
“Cool, so could you help explain some of it to me? English isn't my first language. I'm Minako Aino by the way.”

xxxxxxxx

“Thanks Puck...Puck” Ryouga looked around but Puck was nowhere to be found.
“How did you find us, Ryouga?” asked Makoto as she gave him a hug.
Ryouga turned bright red because the cutest girl in the whole world, in his opinion and he had been all over the world, was hugging him. “Um, I got, um, lost...”
Makoto let go before he got a nosebleed. “See I told you that your ability to get lost would be of use some time. The English you taught me has been much more useful then what the teacher taught us was. Bet the other languges ya taught me will be useful too.”
Ryouga rubbed the back of his head. “Glad it was helpful. I was worried when I heard about the slave traders”
“Slave traders” said Makoto.
“Haruka heard some rumors about a slave ring and she thought that had something to do with your disappearance.” actually Ryouga himself had been worrying that Genma might have sold them to the slave traders.
“That must have been why we left in such a hurry. That idiot we coulda taken them. “said Makoto, “So Haruka is chasing down slave traders. I'm dealing with a girl in silly outfits and me and Ranma are learning how to fight monsters. What have you been up to?”

xxxxxx

When Ranma and Makoto got back from the Cane fighting lessons that Genma had somehow arranged for them, the room they were staying in was empty and Genma's pack was gone. There was a note written on a random scrap of paper laying in the middle of the floor. It read “Gone gathering supplies. be back in a week.”
“Think he left 'cause of Ryouga yelling 'prepare to die'?”Makoto asked Ranma trying to make a joke of it.
“Naw, probably heard about some good loot in some country house.” said Ranma.
They checked but Genma had, of course, grabbed all the food and money before he left. This had happened before, but then he had only been gone for couple of days. Also this time they had not managed to steal his wallet, so they would need to use another way to get money. “Go see if we can con some people at the basketball court?”
“Yep, I'll challenge them to a game you watch my back.” said Ranma.
“Sounds good.”

xxxxx

Neither Minako or Artemis knew how to go about finding the new senshi, but they both knew they had to find her. Since they had no better ideas and, hey, they had run into her twice by accident, they were just walking around hoping to run into her again. It worked.

xxxxx

“There you are I have been hoping I would find you soon.” a blond haired Japanese girl said to Makoto.
Her response was short and to the point. “Do I know ya?”
Minako rubbed the back of her head. “I guess you wouldn't recognize me like this. Last time you saw me you got pinned to a tree by a bunch of blades. How's your shoulder doing anyway?”
“Fine, what do ya want?” Makoto had figured that the girl must be that thief catcher, but what would she want. After all I helped her with that last monster, that should count for something.
Minako saw the stormy expression on the girls face when she asked what Minako wanted. “I just want to talk that's all.”
“You buy me and my brother lunch and you can talk while we eat.”
This 'deal' surprised Minako but she agreed to it. Makoto turned and yelled at Ranma.


Minako looked over both of there grimy torn clothes, Kami was that the same shirt Makoto had been wearing yesterday, it looked like it still had blood stains. “I'll order some pizza. What would you like?”
“Pepperoni, sausage...” Makoto listed off about ten different types of pizza.
“Um, so which one of them do you want?”
“All of 'em.”
“Uh, right, Starve a pizza, eat cold feet. ”
“That don't make no sense.” said Ranma before Makoto could.
Minako wasn't listening though, she had just pulled out her cell phone and call the pizza place thinking the whole time that there was no way they could eat that much. “Ok, they said the pizzas should be done in 30 minutes. Do you want to head over there now?”
“Sure.”
Minako made sure to chose a route to the pizza place that was fairly unpopulated so that Artemis could join up with them with out any problems.

xxxxx

“It's good to see you again Jupiter.” said a voice from the bushes.
“Who said that?” said Ranma looking around wildly. It was odd that he was getting so freaked out.
“I did.” said a white cat coming out from the bushes.”My name is Artemis and... How did he get up that lamppost?”
“Ah, hell ya better leave quick.” said Makoto. Cats that are smart enough to talk should be smart enough to get out of the way of trouble, right.
Artemis was smart enough to do so. After he was gone it took a few minutes to get Ranma to come down of the lamppost.

xxxxx

Minako wasn't sure how to go about telling Makoto about being a Sailor Senshi without Artemis around to help but she was going to try her best.

xxxxc

“Let me get this right ya want me to were a silly outfit and fight for love and Justice 'cause a cat said so.” Makoto said in a tone that said you must be crazy.
Minako, of course, caught on to the most useless thing in Makoto's statement.”The Senshi uniforms are not silly.”
“Yes they are. Why do you think Pops started laughing when he saw you?” said Ranma.
“Because he's an idiot.” What ever reaction Minako expected from this statement, it was not for both of them to agree with her. “So are you ready to be a Senshi?”
“Naw, got more important things to do.” replied Makoto.
“What could be more important then fighting for love and justice?”
“Getting enough money to eat. Food is important.”
“I live at 2234 W Eastmon Dr, if you change your mind.” said Minako as Makoto and Ranma left.

xxxxxxxx

The rest of the week passed with out much going on, just several fights in the case of Ranma and Makoto. At the end of it a badly beaten up Genma made his way back into town. He had claw marks on his clothes and he was almost as freaky around cats as his son. One can guess that his trip was less then a success.
Ranma and Makoto didn't have to guess, Genma started belly aching about how bad things went, without actually saying what he had been doing. They were less then impressed with him, it was the same rant he always used after all. Ranma said something to the effect that shouldn't have left in the first place.
“Now come on, boy, I was just testing you to see if you were ready. The Yamasen-ken and its brother art the Umisen-ken are based of different types of thievery. Yamasen-ken is in essence breaking in though the front door of a house to steal things. The Umisen-ken is the essence of a thief, who sneaks in the back door, being as quiet as possible and taking belongings without being detected. Now these two arts are too dangerous to use and so I have sealed them and I will not be teaching them to either of you.”
Genma's speech was interrupted by his son whapping him on the head, “Then why ya even mentioning them ya old fool?”
“If you would just give me a second, boy.” yelled Genma then he cleared his throat and tried to look serious again, “Anyway while I won't teach you those, I will teach you several techniques that I, um, used for inspiration when I created the Yamasen-ken and the Umisen-ken.”
“So an art based on thievery uses stolen techniques.” said Makoto
Genma asked the heavens “What ever did I do to get such disrespectful children?”
It was not the heavens that answered him though, it was Ranma, who started to list off all Genma's 'training accidents.'
Genma was caught between a number of emotions that he didn't know how to express. In the end he just threw the scrolls with the techniques on them at Ranma and stomping out. He had been right when he thought that having a sparing partner would make his son a better fighter. Unfortunately those two had also learned to work together in a fight and he could not best them both at once.

[Spokavriel]

Before you get into my list. Just letting you know right away. It still needs quite a lot of work.

For example in one cluster of worlds lives a young man named Ranma Saotome, but what happens to him is different in each one.

I'd suggest realities here instead of worlds. Considering that some series take the cross interstellar anyway.

One of his clients had just died in a plane wreak along with his wife.

wreck

Also he did feel a bit sorry for the girl having both of your parents die in a plane crash is hard.

I'm not that good at grammar but shouldn't there at least be a comma after girl if not making this two sentences?

Minako Aino could barely get out of bed the next morning, which had been happening way to often lately. She was so tired. She briefly debated with herself about trying to convince her mom that she was too sick to go to school, but decided not to. It hadn't worked last time after all. She had just gotten was a lecture on not staying up all night partying with her friends. She really wished that had been the reason she was still sleepy in the morning, but it wasn't for one thing she had yet to make any real friends at school here. In truth she was the Soldier of Love Sailor Venus, although she was going by Sailor V right now.
Last night had been a long and fruitless one. After her defeat at the hands of that fat thief and his accomplice, she had spent half the night trying to find any sign of the missing boys. She had not been able to find so much as one trace of them. The Dark Agency had hidden them well it seemed. For some reason though she kept thinking about the face of that thief's accomplice instead of the boys, weird.

Might want to consider a change to having a space between paragraphs. Since Indent doesn't always work at the start of one and I couldn't tell there was a break between these until I resized my window.

Artemis was taking a cat nap at the foot of her bed, so she pocked him to get him to wake up, maybe he would have some answers.

poked. I doubt she deliberately got him Pox like chicken pox.

When Sailor V arrived at the park, she saw a cut, little girl being lowered from a blimp that said 'Petite Pandora: World's Cutest Wink' on the side.

cute lost a letter.

All fifty of the boys that Sailor Venus had come to save and the policeman that had come turned to attack her.

Bit of a come redundancy. I propose changing "that had come" to "on the scene". It's just a more comfortable bit to change.

She was doing a good job of it too, although trees the youma had ended up throwing blades into trying to hit the girl were never going to be the same.

Suggesting a rephrasing that doesn't hurt my head to look at. No offense it's just awkward and left me dizzy.
"though the trees the youma was throwing blades into, trying" etc.
Edit: Trying to hit her and then when you replay the scene from another angle she's pinned? Did reality change with the viewpoint? She got pinned through the shoulder but it seems Venus couldn't see it? Just not sure which way you want the scene. If she is really pinned it should be mentioned in both places.

Is the and at the start of the next sentence really needed? I think it can work with "Wow, neither"

Where is Ranma through all of this? Was he abducted? Is he in the throng of passed out thralls? Why wasn't he there with Makoto in this fight? I know it might be answered soon but well I'm to where she's pinned to the tree and given how protective Ranma is of friends in cannon you'd think he'd be doing something by now.

In the whole scene dealing with the wound Ranma is furniture. He has less presence than Kasumi. I think the return to the Apartment scene could be improved allot.

Ryouga was about to go into a rant about Genma, which would have ended in him yelling 'Genma Saotome, prepare to die,' but the other person he was with defused the situation by saying it would be better if he just took Makoto out on that date they were planing to have.

Why didn't you have the character(Tomas) interrupt and actually say it instead of describing the interruption?

Minako wasn't paying much attention to the play her parents had dragged her to, in fact she didn't even remember that it the name of it was 'Midsummer Nights Dream.'

You have an extra it.

Nice use of the Noticing boy sidetrack.

“Do you come to these kinda things often?” Tomas turned to see the person who had addressed him. Where he could not say that the girl standing before him was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, for he had seen many beautiful ladies at court, she did have a certain spark that was quite attractive to him.

Minako's comment shouldn't be in the same text block as Tomas' reaction. It makes it look like it should be him speaking. And are you sure you meant to use Where instead of While?

Ryouga turned bright red because the cutest girl in the whole world, in his opinion and he had been all over the world, was hugging him

The "and he had been all over the world" bit kills the flow. Chose one either in his opinion or the all over the world bit. Both is just too many right then.

Does Ranma have any of his personality in this? I'm reading the scene where Genma's flaked with all the cash and food. There's NO real reaction. just Oh lets see if we can Con some cash to survive on. Has Ranma ever been that laid back in regards to Genma?

Since they had no better ideas and, hey, they had run into her twice by accident, they were just walking around hoping to run into her again. It worked.

The , hey, is completely unneeded.

A stranger comes over distracting Makoto while Ranma is expecting her to be watching out for him and there is again no Ranma comment or reaction to the situation? You didn't even describe any on court actions he might have been doing to explain why he wasn't a participant.

“That don't make no sense.” said Ranma before Makoto could.

That whole scene and this is the only phrase or action for Ranma?

No scream. just unease then Artemis appears and he's up the lamp post. Not even begging for some one to take it away or screaming for it to get away on it's own?

You only said they agreed with her? It's what 3 lines longer for a
"Ya got that right." Ranma
"Couldn't have said it better myself" Makoto
Minako stared a moment surprised that they agreed with her, instantly.

And with another line or two you could make it even better.

There wasn't allot of personality in the scene. It was kinda there but well it felt more like notes on a scene. Weren't they suppose to be at this place eating the Pizzas? Did they manage to eat them all? Was there any reaction to that on top of the rest of this? And when did Genma laugh at her? I'm skimming over the chapter again and I don't see when that happened.

The entire last block with Genma getting back needs expansion. There are times where you tell us things were said and it's left unsaid. And it just feels flat.

Ranma said something to the effect that shouldn't have left in the first place.

Not only is this missing a He but this is a prime example. There's nothing that ends up being said and this is a moment where Ranma's Attitude for Genma should show clearly!

From Cardboard to copping a minor attitude. That's part of how the mood is broken in this scene. If attitudes had been in play earlier they would have helped support that line which is the first one that even sounds like Ranma in this chapter so far.

And then after that Genma gets another quip. Not even built up right because it doesn't say any actions it's only said and all the rest of the scene is being told at us. This scene needs the most work in the whole fic. It's weak really really weak.

Well you have now posted an incomplete chapter of a Ranma fic where Ranma is apparently an active character with the least Ranma content for the character I have ever seen. I hope others can help too.

[DCG]

Woah, this is a bit confusing and rather hard to follow. So far i've been able to figer out that Ranma is with Makato, in england, with Minako and Artemis. And that took two reads.
Im still not sure what the hecks going on with Ryoga... Other then he may or may not have been hugged some time durning the fic.

All i can really sugest right now is to adjust the flow and pacing. It's very hard to follow along in your mind.

[Tovath]

Before you get into my list. Just letting you know right away. It still needs quite a lot of work.

Good the only way I will get better is if someone tells me what I did wrong.

Trying to hit her and then when you replay the scene from another angle she's pinned? Did reality change with the viewpoint? She got pinned through the shoulder but it seems Venus couldn't see it? Just not sure which way you want the scene. If she is really pinned it should be mentioned in both places.

Actually they take place one after another. Does this work better?

Wow neither was that tree that the girl had thrown the youma into. Hey, wait a minute I think I just saw something on her forehead and now the youma was summoning a whole lot of blades.

xxxxxx

'Man, this thing's tougher then I thought it would be' thought Makoto 'And now what is it doing?' she could see it summoning a whole lot of blades which the monster threw at Makoto all at once, pinning her to a tree that hadn't already been destroyed by one of them.

Where is Ranma through all of this? Was he abducted? Is he in the throng of passed out thralls? Why wasn't he there with Makoto in this fight? I know it might be answered soon but well I'm to where she's pinned to the tree and given how protective Ranma is of friends in cannon you'd think he'd be doing something by now.

Makoto went on a walk because she needed some time alone, but you're right I think I'll have him show up right after the Cerscent Beam.

Why didn't you have the character(Tomas) interrupt and actually say it instead of describing the interruption?

Truthfully because I wanted to put the line Genma Saotome, prepare to die in.

Nice use of the Noticing boy sidetrack

Why, thank you.

are you sure you meant to use Where instead of While?

I think it sounds more old fashioned and fits Tomas better that way.

Does Ranma have any of his personality in this? I'm reading the scene where Genma's flaked with all the cash and food. There's NO real reaction. just Oh lets see if we can Con some cash to survive on. Has Ranma ever been that laid back in regards to Genma?

Oops I guess I am not that good at keeping track of how everyone would react at the same time yet.

Well thank you I better get back to work.

Oh and DCG I hope with the help of the people here I can make this story less confusing. That's why I put it up. So how do I adjust the flow and pacing.

[Spokavriel]

To help with knowing where and what is going on you might want to set the stage after changing away from the Bar scene.

Make it clear that they are in London beyond assuming that people would know that is where they could find Sailor V.

That change is better but it's awkward and redundant in it's self as hell.

Really I think you should sit back and work out the sequence of events in the fight and make sure that they all happen and in order. Fights are tough because you have to take into account all the participants actions and make sure to keep them in there. Before there really wasn't a moment where that hit happened it went from her dodging to her pinned. Scene missing.

You can have Tomas think about what the rant always leads to and still speak in story cutting it off instead of making it a description.

Good luck on expanding what is needed. And please re-read and make sure your characters do get around to doing all that they state they are doing.

[Tovath]

Um i thought I did make it pretty clear where they are with this line:

But the story really starts when Genma's son, Ranma, and Makoto Kino are sixteen in London, England.

Anyway after I get this revised again should I just post it up on this tread or what?

[Spokavriel]

It only stated the location it doesn't show us the setting. It didn't set the scene any more than a line on a destination board in an airport does. Reading that board doesn't mean you're there yet.

Edit: I'd suggest just making it a new post in this thread.

[Tovath]

Ok I hope this is better.

Curses Aren't The Only Change
Chapter 1
Disclaimer: I think that you are smart enough to figure out how much of this I own.

There are many different parallel realities where the same people live sometimes greatly different lives because they or the people around them have made different choices, due to the butterfly effect simply stopping to look at the sky instead of the ground is all it takes sometimes. For example in one cluster of worlds lives a young man named Ranma Saotome, but what happens to him is different in each one. In one he ends up becoming the ruler of a large part of China and in another world he ends up dying from food poisoning. And in a third, well, that is the story that will be told here.
The choice was that made the butterfly flutter in this world was that Genma Saotome decided to go to a bar. This was not an odd event, Genma went into bars all the time and this time he needed a drink even more then normal. The Neko-ken had seemed like such a good idea at the time, but the results were disastrous. Genma was not the only one who was drinking heavily at this particular bar. A lawyer named Shiro Takakita was also there. One of his clients had just died in a plane wreck along with his wife. Their daughter was still alive though and he needed to figure out what to do about the brat.
After Genma and Shiro had each had a few drinks, they ended up talking to each other. Genma gave his well used rant about his ungrateful son in hopes of getting something. Shiro thought this was a great opportunity to both get rid of the kid and get his hands on the Kino's money. So he complimented Genma on his parenting skills and suggested a deal. Genma was very pleased with this deal Shiro had planned. Not only had he managed to get a yearly payment, but his son would have a new sparing partner. The boy needed something that would take his mind off stupid things like being afraid of cats. Also he did feel a bit sorry for the girl, having both of your parents die in a plane crash is hard.
But the story really starts when Genma's son, Ranma, and Makoto Kino are sixteen in London, England.

xxxxxxx

The streets of London were blanketed in fog and in the distance Sailor V could hear Big Ben chiming the hour, but she was not worried about the time right now. She was on the trail of a thief. There he was. She hadn't lost him. She was going to track this thief to his lair and confront him there! It's bad enough, Sailor V thought, that I keep running into criminals when I am patrolling for signs of the Dark Agency, but why does this thief have to be Japanese like me? Normally Sailor V had no problems with chasing down random thieves, but tonight she was looking for something specific.
“Why ya following Genma?” asked a voice right behind her. Sailor V turned to see a brown haired girl about her age just standing there acting like being on top of a roof was perfectly normal. To cover up her surprise she said tersely. “He's a thief and must be punished.”
The girl mathered something too low to be heard then she punched Sailor V off the roof in such a way that she would fall right in front of Genma.
When Sailor V got up she decided to make the best of it. She pointed dramatically at Genma. “I am Sailor V and I will stop your evil crime.” Genma took one look at his attacker and burst out laughing. As one might expect Sailor V was less then happy at this reaction.
“Cersent Beam” She looked at the area where the thief had been. There was no way she could have disintegrated him right? She thought tight before being thrown into a wall. By the time she had gotten up again the thief was gone.

xxxxxxx

Minako Aino could barely get out of bed the next morning, which had been happening way to often lately. She was so tired. She briefly debated with herself about trying to convince her mom that she was too sick to go to school, but decided not to. It hadn't worked last time after all. She had just gotten was a lecture on not staying up all night partying with her friends. She really wished that had been the reason she was still sleepy in the morning, but it wasn't for one thing she had yet to make any real friends at school here. In truth she was the Soldier of Love Sailor Venus, although she was going by Sailor V right now.
Last night had been a long and fruitless one. After her defeat at the hands of that fat thief and his accomplice, she had spent half the night trying to find any sign of the missing boys. She had not been able to find so much as one trace of them. The Dark Agency had hidden them well it seemed. For some reason though she kept thinking about the face of that thief's accomplice instead of the boys, weird.
Artemis was taking a cat nap at the foot of her bed, so she poked him to get him to wake up, maybe he would have some answers. “Do you have any way of tracking down those thieves from last night.”
“Minako we are suppose to be fighting the Dark Agency, not chasing down random thieves.”
This was an old argument between them and before she thought about it she said “It's not my fault that when I am patrolling for signs of the Dark Agency, I come across criminals and it would be wrong to let them get away with what they are doing.”
That may be true, but going out of your way, like now, to catch them is something different.”
“But these thieves are different...” Minako was interrupted by her mother calling up the stairs, “Minako you better get going if you want to get to school on time.”
Minako sighed, she really didn't want to go to school, “See you this afternoon' she called to Artemis as she left.

xxxxxx

That afternoon Artemis had just arrived at Minako's school when a brown haired Interpol officer he knew walked up to him.
“Hi Artemis, Minako should be getting out of school soon, right?”
“Maybe Katarina, If she didn't get detention again. What are you doing here?”
“There is a situation that I thought I should inform Minako about.”
Artemis was about to ask what the situation was when Minako came rushing out of the school. “Hey Katarina,” Minako noticed her friend seemed to be very serious today, “Whats up?” Katarina gestured for Minako to get in her car.
Once they were all in and belted up Katarina started to drive and she explained. “I think you know that there have been a number of disappearances of teenage boys. About two hours ago The Dark Agency sent a letter to the police saying that they will kill all the missing boys at the East Side Park at 4 this afternoon if Sailor V doesn't show up.” She stopped the car and turned to Minako. “This is probably a trap you know. The Powers That Be have already sent several police squads to deal with it. You don't have to go, they should be able to take care of it.”
“Can't risk it,” replied Minako, “besides none of the officers have any magic do they?”
“No, I wish we could get Special Ops interested in our 'little problem.” said Katarina with considerable venom.
“Don't worry, you don't need them, you got me. So where's the park?”
Katarina had apparently expected Minako to say that. ”It's right around the corner,” she pointed. “Good luck.”

xxxxx

Artemis wanted to see his charge fight, but he knew that Sailor V would not be able to fight her best if she was worrying about protecting him and he was to small to be of much help in the fight. So he went up a tree, after all he unlike normal cats did not need the help pf a fireman to get down from a tree.
Oddly enough there was a large pink blimp hovering over the park wit the words Petite Pandora: World's Cutest Wink. Artemis could think two reasons why that thing could be here. Either this was a setup to make Sailor V look bad by having her attack a cultural icon or the Dark Agency had worse taste then he thought possible. The question of which one it was got answered when a cute little girl was lowed from the blimp. When the girl, who Artemis guessed was Petite Pandora, was half way down she winked, and the wink did something but Artemis was not sure what.
“Sailor V! Where are you? I don't see you.” called out Petite Pandora, “Ah, there you are. I'll get you for killing my sister, Pandora, Sailor V!”
As the last line was said Petite Pandora transformed into a youma that was neither little nor cute. It was then, as he saw Sailor V pushing though the crowd to get to the youma, that he figured out what that wink had done. However before he could call out a warning, Petite Pandora yelled “Kill her my slaves.” and every one in the crowd turned and started attacking Sailor V.
Artemis had to do something. He tried to unravel the spell, but he was unable to grasp the threads of it.

xxxxx

“Genma is being even stupider and more annoying then usual' thought Makoto as she ran, “he didn't have to be so insulting when I just asked why he decided to bring us here, and he had no right to say that about Ryouga just because he finally asked me out on a date.'
Makoto's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone gloating over their immanent victory and she decided a fight was just what she needed to take her mind off things. Besides whoever was gloating deserved to have their face kicked in on general principals. So even though she had no idea who the Dark Agency was, she set off towards the noise. When she reached the center of the park where the fighting was she saw the qloater was probably not human and not even doing any of the fighting.

xxxxx

“Man can't I even go for a walk without some looney ranting.” yelled a brown haired girl as she punched Petite Pandora.
“You are going to regret that, human!”
“So what's a wimp like ya, who can't fight their own battles gonna do about it?”
“This” yelled Petite Pandora and thew a summoned blade at the girl.
“That the best ya can do?” said the girl as she dodged the blade and used her momentum from that to throw Petite Pandora into a tree, at least that is what Artemis thought had happened. It had gone by rather quick. Then as the girl turned her head he saw the of Jupiter on her forehead.
The girl was Jupiter. He had found another one of them. Artemis needed to get Jupiter's transformation wand to her, but how...wait Artemis noticed something that, while it wouldn't help him directly on getting Jupiter her wand, was even more important, a loose thread in the mind control sell. He pulled on the thread and the whole spell unraveled like a cheap swether and all the people who had been controlled collapsed unconsious.

xxxxx

'Man, this thing's tougher then I thought it would be' thought Makoto 'And now what is it doing?' she could see it summoning a whole lot of blades which the monster threw at Makoto all at once, pinning her to a tree.
“Now, I have you” the monster said as she walked over to finish the job and promptly got hit by a rock that Ranma had thrown.
“I'm not letting ya hurt my sister.”
“Another bra-” started the monster.
“Crescent Beam.” The girl in the funny looking outfit from last night yelled as she shot off a really cool attack that disintegrated the monster thing.
“is your shoulder ok?” she asked the girl.
“It's just a flesh wound.” said Makoto trying not to winch as she pulled the blade out.”How did ya do that attack?”
“That is what I want to talk to you about.” said a white cat as it dropped down on the blond girl's shoulder.
“C...C...Cat” yelled Ranma and ran off. Makoto of course followed after him, cursing Genma.

xxxxx

As the brown haired girl ran off Sailor V realized why she seemed so familiar, that was the same girl that had been with that fat thief and tried to follow her, but she lost her very fast. “Who was that girl?” she said to her self as she de-transformed.
Artemis, who had just barely managed to stay on his charge's shoulder said. “I believe she is Sailor Jupiter.”
“What you got to be kidding me, her. That can't be true.” Minako looked at Artemis aghast that a known thief would be a Sailor Senshi.
“I am not kidding, didn't you see the symbol of Jupiter on her forehead?”
“Um, well I did see something, but still...”

xxxxx

As Ranma and Makoto came into the small and dingy apartment Genma noticed Makoto's wound and yelled, “What you got in a fight, girl, you haven't been training hard enough if some mugger in this lousy country can hurt you.”
Only her wound stopped Makoto from beating some sense into Genma. “It wasn't a mugger I was fighting ya fat fool. It was a monster of some sort and I threw the damn thing though a tree and it wasn't hurt in the least. If you would just get off your fat ass and teach us a chi attack then I woulda killed it no time flat.”
Genma was about to give a scathing reply when he stopped and thought, a rare thing. He did have those schools he created. “In the next few days, I'll test the two of you to see if you're ready, so be prepared.”
“Yes, sensei” Makoto said glad that Genma was being serious for once.

xxxxx

That night after a long conversation with Artemis about the other senshi, Minako's parents dragged her to a play which she wasn't paying much attention to, in fact she didn't even remember that the name of it was 'Midsummer Nights Dream.' She was to busy worrying about that brown-haired girl she kept running into when she was Sailor V. First that girl stopped her from catching a thief, then she helped me when I was fighting Petite Pandora, I don't get it. And if that isn't enough now Artemis is saying that she might be a Senshi herself how can a defender of Love and Justice be... oh cute boy.
The boy that had derailed Minako's thought process was sitting two rows down from her and was concentrating intently on the stage. He had red hair and a very cute face. Minako so wanted to introduce herself to him, but when she started to get up her mother stopped her. “Minako just watch the play. You can get up at intermission, honey.” Minako paid a lot more attention to the play after that since she wanted to have something to talk about with that cute boy at intermission.
“Speak of all loves! I swoon almost with fear. No? then I well perceive you are not nigh: Either death or you I'll find immediately.” With the actress playing Hermia saying these lines the act was over and it was time for intermission and Minako went hunting for the cute red-headed boy. She soon found him looking at the list of plays being preformed this season.
“Do you come to these kinda things often?”
Tomas turned to see the person who had addressed him. Where he could not say that the girl standing before him was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, for he had seen many beautiful ladies at court, she did have a certain spark that was quite attractive to him.
“Yes, I try to come to William Shakespeare's plays when ever I can. I am very grateful that I was able to make it to this one.”
“Cool, so could you help explain some of it to me? English isn't my first language. I'm Minako Aino by the way.”

xxxxxxxx

“Thanks Puck...Puck” Ryouga looked around but Puck was nowhere to be found.
“How did you find us, Ryouga?” asked Makoto as she gave him a hug.
Ryouga turned bright red because the cutest girl in the whole world, in his opinion, was hugging him. “Um, I got, um, lost...”
Makoto let go before he got a nosebleed. “See I told you that your ability to get lost would be of use some time. The English you taught me has been much more useful then what the teacher taught us was. Bet the other languages ya taught me will be useful too.”
Ryouga rubbed the back of his head. “Glad it was helpful. I was worried when I heard about the slave traders”
“Slave traders” said Makoto.
“Haruka heard some rumors about a slave ring and she thought that had something to do with your disappearance.” actually Ryouga himself had been worrying that Genma might have sold them to the slave traders.
“That must have been why we left in such a hurry. That idiot we coulda taken them.” said Makoto, “So Haruka is chasing down slave traders. I'm dealing with a girl in silly outfits and me and Ranma are learning how to fight monsters. What have you been up to?”
“Well I just found out some about how to deal with my curse after I helped this King or Lord or something by getting some herbs that they needed to heal the wounds he got from a one eyed warrior. They said I should worry about finding people not places.”

xxxxxx

When Ranma and Makoto got back from the Cane fighting lessons that Genma had somehow arranged for them, the room they were staying in was empty and Genma's pack was gone. There was a note written on a random scrap of paper laying in the middle of the floor. It read “Gone gathering supplies. be back in a week.”
“Think he left 'cause of Ryouga yelling 'prepare to die'?”Makoto asked Ranma trying to make a joke of it.
“Naw the idiot, probably heard about some good loot in some country house.” said Ranma.
They checked but Genma had, of course, grabbed all the food and money before he left. This had happened before, but then he had only been gone for couple of days.

xxxxx

Neither Minako or Artemis knew how to go about finding the new senshi, but they both knew they had to find her. Since they had no better ideas and, they had run into her twice by accident, they were just walking around hoping to run into her again. It worked. As she was walking though a basketball court that she liked to boy watch at when she had the time,she saw the very person she was looking for. Well technically both of the people since the girl who Artemis said was Jupiter was with her brother. They were talking to a boy about their age who was wearing a baseball cap.
“Didn't say she was some kind of wizard with the ball?” said baseball cap.
“So ya still lost, just give us the money ya bet and-”
The boy took a wild swing at Jupiter's brother and next thing Minako knew the boy was on the ground and Jupiter was holding his wallet.
“Man, you're loaded.” she took five pounds out of it and threw the wallet back to the boy. Then as the boy ran off she turned and saw Minako.


xxxxx

“Um, I have been hoping I would find you soon.” a blond haired Japanese girl that Makoto had just caught staring at her said.
Her response was short and to the point. “Do I know ya?”
The girl rubbed the back of her head. “I guess you wouldn't recognize me like this. Last time you saw me you got pinned to a tree by a bunch of blades. How's your shoulder doing anyway?”
“Fine, what do ya want?” Makoto had figured that the girl must be that thief catcher, but what would she want. After all I helped her with that last monster, that should count for something.
Minako saw the stormy expression on the girls face when she asked what Minako wanted. “I just want to talk that's all.”
“You buy me and my brother lunch and you can talk while we eat.”
“Ok,” the girl said slowly, “”I'm Minako Aino.”
“Makoto, he's Ranma.”

xxxxx

This 'deal' surprised Minako but she agreed to it. Minako looked over both of there grimy torn clothes, Kami was that the same shirt Makoto had been wearing yesterday, it looked like it still had blood stains. “I'll order some pizza. What would you like?”
“Pepperoni, sausage...” Makoto listed off about ten different types of pizza.
“Um, so which one of them do you want?”
“All of 'em.”
“Uh, right, Starve a pizza, eat cold feet. ”
“That don't make no sense.” said Ranma before Makoto could.
Minako wasn't listening though, she had just pulled out her cell phone and call the pizza place thinking the whole time that there was no way they could eat that much. “Ok, they said the pizzas should be done in 30 minutes. Do you want to head over there now?”
“Sure.”
“So why did you run off so fast yesterday?”
“My bro has a slight fear of cats.” said Makoto
“Do not I'm not afraid of anything especially not something silly like ca...c... felines, stupid pops.”
“How is it your father's fault?” asked Minako
Ya don't wanta know.”
“Oh” said Minako “So where are you going to school?”
“Drasi Jr high.” said Makoto
“Not sure we're still going there” said Ranma.
“That's an all boys school in Japan.” Minako didn't want to admit it but she knew the name of every boy's school in Japan.
“Ya that's why we're not going there anymore.” said Ranma.
“Only been three weeks so we're still on the roll and so we are to still going there.” retorted Makoto.
“How and why were you going to a boy's school? You're a girl.”
“Genma said it was training. Anyway I wasn't the only girl going there.”
Minako thought about asking more about that statement, but decided not to. She might not like the answer, instead she tried to figure out how to go about telling Makoto about being a Sailor Senshi without Artemis around to help. She was going to try her best.

xxxxx

Makoto was too busy eatting to pay much attention to what Minako walking about, something about Grand Destiny and stuff.
“Let me get this right ya want me to were a silly outfit and fight for love and Justice 'cause a cat said so.” Makoto said in a tone that said you must be crazy.
Minako, of course, caught on to the most useless thing in Makoto's statement.”The Senshi uniforms are not silly.”
“Yes they are. Why do you think Pops started laughing when he saw you?” said Ranma.
“Because he's an idiot.” What ever reaction
"Ya got that right." Ranma
"Couldn't have said it better myself" Makoto
Minako stared a moment surprised that they agreed with her, instantly. “So are you ready to be a Senshi?”
“Naw, got more important things to do.” replied Makoto.
“What could be more important then fighting for love and justice?”
“Getting enough money to eat. Food is important.”
“I live at 2234 W Eastmon Dr, if you change your mind.” said Minako as Makoto and Ranma left.

xxxxxxxx

The rest of the week passed with out much going on, just several fights in the case of Ranma and Makoto. At the end of it a badly beaten up Genma made his way back into town. He had claw marks on his clothes and he was almost as freaky around cats as his son. One can guess that his trip was less then a success.
“These English are not very hospitable.” complained Genma
“Ya mean they won't let ya steal their stuff.”
“No I should have not bothered to-”
“leave in the first place.” finished Ranma
“Now come on, boy, I was just testing you to see if you were ready. The Yamasen-ken and its brother art the Umisen-ken are based of different types of thievery. Yamasen-ken is in essence breaking in though the front door of a house to steal things. The Umisen-ken is the essence of a thief, who sneaks in the back door, being as quiet as possible and taking belongings without being detected. Now these two arts are too dangerous to use and so I have sealed them and I will not be teaching them to either of you.”
Genma's speech was interrupted by his son whapping him on the head, “Then why ya even mentioning them ya old fool?”
“If you would just give me a second, boy.” yelled Genma then he cleared his throat and tried to look serious again, “Anyway while I won't teach you those, I will teach you several techniques that I, um, used for inspiration when I created the Yamasen-ken and the Umisen-ken.”
“So an art based on thievery uses stolen techniques.” said Makoto
Genma asked the heavens “What ever did I do to get such disrespectful children?”
It was not the heavens that answered him though, it was Ranma, who started to list off all Genma's 'training accidents.'
Genma was caught between a number of emotions that he didn't know how to express. In the end he just threw the scrolls with the techniques on them at Ranma and stomping out. He had been right when he thought that having a sparing partner would make his son a better fighter. Unfortunately those two had also learned to work together in a fight and he could not best them both at once.

[kurushi]

Coming a bit late to this concrit party...

It's not as bad as some I've read, but it's good that you're prepared to put some work into it. My most useful comment would be this: A new first sentence. The story should hook people the second they open it, and a sentence like

There are many different parallel realities where the same people live sometimes greatly different lives because they or the people around them have made different choices, due to the butterfly effect simply stopping to look at the sky instead of the ground is all it takes sometimes

...will only turn them off. It's dealing with the introductory concepts, yes, and isn't bad, but a long and meandering sentence will fail too catch interest where shorter and more carefully phrased sentences would grab at their attention. So maybe something more like:

"There are many parallel realities. Identical people live greatly different lives and make greatly different choices. This is due to the butterfly effect. Simply stopping to look up at the sky instead of down at the ground is all it takes sometimes to send the ripples spreading out. "

The imagery is all there in your writing already, and a sense of the almighty story hook will evolve with time as you write, but do take more time to make your sentence shorter

Finally, in the introduction, you segue into the beginning of the story using the butterfly metaphor again. It's a little clumsy as it is; perhaps contrasting how un-butterfly like Genma is a bit more, or how there were no real butterflies to be seen in the bar, though Genma's arrival there had a similar effect.

When Minako goes to the theatre, perhaps you should follow your otherwise usual convention of having new dialogue on a new line; it might help break the paragraph up.

Finally, the bulk of your story is dialogue or basic statements. It makes the pace move quickly, but the real dilemma in writing anime based fiction is that we're moving mentally from a very visual medium to a very different one. More prose doesn't necessarily mean "more scene description". It could be more emotive description, or just more to the scene itself. That lets the reader assimilate the information easier. When you're switching between multiple characters and perspectives, it becomes even more vital.

Hope my comments helped, and good luck! Each paragraph you write will make your work stronger, and you care enough about your writing that I anticipate some very enjoyable fics in the future. Ah, and thanks for the concrit on my fic, too!