The White Devil of the Moon Chapter 3

[frice2000]

Luna seethed as she found her way back to Tuxedo Kamen’s side

With the added bits now preceding this could add to Lunas agitation nicely with having to shake off/being covered in disgusting materials.

sorry,” Luna admitted. “But Kamen’s out of action for the time being. I’m afraid you’re on your own.”

Line doesn't really work too well as currently set up with him conscious but groggy and disoriented. Think he'd object. Easy fix is him trying to pick up the communicator and falling unconscious again.

At least we aren’t likely to have any trouble show up at a wedding.”

I'm thinking disguise pen into caterers...heh.

Nice additions. Though I think the post fight reactions on the Nanoha side could use a bit more dialogue in both instances. Aruf and Fate talking strategy after the first encounter and a bit of dialogue after Nanoha discovers what's going on would be a good idea.

[bissek]

There will be no Senshi presence at the wedding.

[PCHeintz72]

There will be no Senshi presence at the wedding.

Technically, Luna and mask are not Senshi per se.

I can just picture Luna's argument for interrupting it due to the dark senshi acting as a corruption of the ceremony of holy matrimony, or some such crap..

I would imagine Minako again stopping them (kind of weird, Minako being voice of reason in a SM story, seen before but rare, I like it).

Heh... heaven forbid a Youma actually bothers to show and interrupt it though.

[Spokavriel]

I think someone ^ should write that up as an Omake.

[bissek]

If someone writes one, I'll see if I like it enough to post.

[Sky]

Late to the party, I guess.

Nitpicking:

Which Nanoha would notice.

I doubt that qualifies as an actual sentence.

Content wise:
I guess Luna got her 'jump to conclusions' mat?

I'm not a Nanoha-verse fight expert, but the fight between Fate and Tuxedo Mask seemed believable as well as Mars' and Jupiter's ambush. I figured that considering that the scale of attacks used in Nanoha and in Sailor Moon, there has to be some kind of equalization. Otherwise, Fate would simply wipe the floor with the Senshi. To me, it seems like the author has reduced Fate's ability instead of increasing that of the Senshi.

[DCG]

"If they even look like they're going to cause trouble the next time she runs into them, she'll go straight to Haken mode."

Wait what?

Now while the chapter was a good read, There's some major "power level" clashing going on here that kinda messes thing up.

Even if you work to make SM and Nanoha, More balanced power wise.. You have fate who's one of the strongest and youngest enforcers around for the TSAB.
Putting Raw power aside from a moment, She's been trained since just about birth to be a warmage, That partly why its so mind-blowing that nanoha befriended her so hard. After befriending she had to keep up with nanoha's insane level's of training, the TSAB enforcer stuff likly seemed like a good vacation after that.

In the other corner!

Mamarou aka tuxboy. His training is... Well none. He is a limp wristed collage kid.

Even leaving the insane deference in power out of it. His tossing a rose at fate, fate who's main gift is speed. She would have been transformed, shielded, and caught the rose in the air before it hit her. Disarmed the deranged nut in the costume attacking her. And arrested him for attacking an officer.

Granted that would make for short reading, and mess up your plot. But i think your forcing a hell of a lot to fit things into what ever your plot goal is.

As a side note, unless they total abondanded the planet after A's. Fate's family should still own a rather impressive building there.. They upgraded it a fair bit tech wise from what i remember. So temp jails just make sense.

For the "ambush"

That just blew my mind. You have Fate saying how she's a TSAB officer. And acting anything but.

Even arf, Who's age seem to swing from scary muscled mature women to over cute chibi. Was acting off.
While probly not having the same level of formal training fate and nanoha have She's still a guardian.

Hell she grew up in a family with Two TSAB fleet admirals. Running off after luna like some common dog into a clear trap? Not going to happen.
Fate running behind like some standin from a b grade horror movie? The mind boggles.

I really like the idea you have here, and the fun clash of SM and Nanoha it would make.

But you need to put more work into the ploting and how things playout.

[Spokavriel]

So I guess nearly all the C&C for this was completely ignored... Doesn't make me feel any better about looking at the next chapter.