FPCF - Ch 11

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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Spokavriel » Sat Mar 06, 2010 7:47 pm

Seeing the red clad girl quickly regain her footing, Saturn quickly scanned the full length of the schoolyard; spotting Moon crouched over a prone Mercury.
Bit of redundancy on quickly. Suggestion to replace the second one with swiftly.

Hearing Venus’ accompanying battlecry calling out Saturn’s decision was quickly made, ‘The others are okay for now; I need to help Mercury!’
Venus' battlecry is calling out Saturns decision?

Saturn hit the ground running, the need to reach the downed female pushing her on as fast as she could move.
Its the same paragraph where Saturn decided to act I think you could get away with saying She hit the ground running. and "the downed female" seems kinda impersonal.

She made it no more than two steps before feeling a massive power buildup soon followed by a strong male voice rolling out into the air.
Two steps before? Does the energy blast have feet now? A comma after steps will breakthe before from her steps. Can she make out what the voice is saying or does she just not care to try to catch it?

Jerking her head up even as she continued towards Mercury and Moon, Saturn’s couldn’t keep her eyes from flashing wide in surprise as she saw the swirling blue and red orb falling towards the earth below.
Why is she continuing if she made it? I'm having a heck of a time following the order of events here. Sorry really fatigued from grocery shopping. Bought more in one trip than I have in most of the last decade. It wasn't easy getting it all up the stairs.
Edit: Why is Saturn's possessive here? It doesn't make sense./edit

Um on second thought maybe I should hold off on commenting much when I am this out of it. I'm posting these and will read the rest but I'm just not in the right frame of mind.

Edit: It looks ok and its nice seeing the others moving on with the battle. The punctuation comment before mine is really important. Looking forward to this fight ending Soon.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:23 pm

Terra couldn’t help but grin victoriously at the face Athorm made as his body folded around her leg; her swift switch roundhouse kick viciously smashing into his unprotected abdomen. With the adrenaline flowing through her veins, the sight was almost done in slow motion for her, allowing Terra to savor every contortion of pain and surprise which washed across his face. Soon enough though, time snapped back to normal, Athorm’s body flying across the roof as an inevitable conclusion to the short encounter of his body and her leg.

Watching her opponent bounce along into an unguided roll, the magical girl couldn’t help but fire off, “How’d you like that, asshole?”

Finally rolling to a stop, the silver haired man held still for a second before pushing himself with his hands with a groan of obvious discomfort. Finding his feet, Athorm looked towards the ready redhead and wryly replied, “Not as much as you did, obviously…”

“Damn right”, she exclaimed with a slight movement forward, “and there’s more where that came from!”

Shifting his gaze from her own eyes to someplace behind her, Terra realized what he was looking at when she heard heels clipping on the concrete roof to her rear. “While that might be”, the grey clad man started to reply, moving into a guarded stance, “I fear the time has come to say farewell…”

“Damn straight”, Jupiter called out, moving in line with Terra with the others quickly following suit, “’cause you’re going down!”

“While I might be defeated right now, today won’t see my end”, Athorm stated with the weight of complete confidence behind his words, though he did nod slightly towards the sailor suited fighters, “but I do concede that didn’t think I’d need to do this!” Firing off the last word, he extended his left arm and snapped his fingers in a loud crack.

All four Senshi tensed for the expected attack to fly out, hoping to be able to leap out of it’s path in time. When no ray, ball or flare of energy came forth, all four females suffered a moment of confusion. Confusion quickly washed away when Athorm smirked in amusement, “Till next time…”

Terra’s eyes flashed wide as the man vanished before her, similarly but unlike the trick she’d seen him use just moments before during the fight. One second he was there and the next he wasn’t, without the distortion effects of the earlier technique. “Damn it”, she cried out, jerking her head around to scan the skyline.

“What just happened”, Mars questioned as she and the others did the same.

“He tricked us; that’s what”, Terra replied through gritted teeth.

Hearing a pair of boots land down onto the roof nearby, all four Senshi jerked about to orient on it. Each falling into a combat stance on instinct, they were all gifted with the vision of Moon’s surprised look before she tripped and fell forward onto the hard concrete. As Venus, Mars and Jupiter grimaced or sighed at their leader’s mistake, Terra turned back to searching the surrounding buildings.

“Itetete…”, Moon groaned out a she regained her feet wile rubbing the bridge of her nose. Noticing the empty building, she asked out, “What happened? Where did he go?”

“I don’t know”, Venus replied, eyeing Terra out of the corner of her vision. “He just disappeared…”

“Damn it”, Terra cursed once more, clenching a fist for emphasis; “I still owed him a good ass kicking!”

That drew agreeing nods from Jupiter and Mars while the two blonds chose to give slightly nervous chuckles. Moon blinked after a second, looking straight at the blue and gold clad Senshi to ask, “Um… Not that I’m complaining… but why are you here? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with us.”

This question seemed to ring true with the other three girls, who looked towards the redhead with mutters of questioning agreement. Not expecting the question, having just ran on autopilot for the fight, Terra cringed back slightly as she desperately tried to work up a believable cover story, “Ah… um… well, I saw Ranma…” Kicking herself mentally, she continued with the ad hoc story, “He could barely stand after the crash, so he told me about… a strong guy he was fighting.”

“So… you came to avenge Ranma”, Mars asked, confused as to many things about why Terra was here, but trying to fill in the gaps.

Nodding quickly, Terra ran with it, “Exactly! Plus, a strong guy like that is good training!”

“Was Ranma okay”, Venus asked, glancing in the direction which he was sent flying… and Terra came from, though Venus didn’t know that.

“Ah…”, the redhead stalled, trying to think of a plausible excuse as to why ‘Ranma’ didn’t come right back while keeping it from sounding like she was weak. “He… he crashed into a rack of spices… which… got into his eyes, blinding him! Yeah, he couldn’t see after that.” Giving a dismissing hand wave at the gaping looks she received from the other Senshi, she finished by stating, “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine once he washes it all out. This isn’t the first time it’s happened.”

Looking like she might grow one of those sweat-drops that manga characters get, Venus haltingly replied, “If… if you say so…” Terra blinked as she saw the others looking similar.

Before things could get much farther, the sounds of more booted feet touching down on the roof sounded into the air in two groups a few seconds apart. To one side, Saturn was looking towards a slightly wobbly Mercrury while on the other, three more set down. “What’s going on?! Where’s the monster”, Uranus asked out while glancing about, the teal haired Senshi standing close by doing the same.

“I’m not picking up his signature”, Mercury responded warily, thankful he wasn’t at the moment.

“Great… I was looking forward to a good fight, too”, the shorthaired blonde pouted, crossing her arms under her chest-bow.

“Whatever…”, Terra dismissed, taking a step few steps toward the only male of the group who stood silently a few meters away. Terra had been looking towards her once sibling since he landed on the rooftop, but finally acknowledged him, “Took you long enough to get here, Endy. Come on, we need to talk.” The armor clad male blinked at the abruptness even as Terra walked past him and stepped to the roof’s edge.

“Wait”, Moon called out, “We want to talk to you as well!”

Terra stood silently for a moment, looking out across the city, before turning her head to lock eyes with Endymion. Another moment passed before the tall male spoke out, “Moon, we need to talk… alone… Please, just give us some time to sort things out.”

Biting her lip a bit, Moon looked between her literal betrothed and his reincarnated sister… Letting out a slight sigh, she nodded before looking towards Terra, “Alright… We’ll leave you alone. Just… Thanks for helping.”

“Yeah, yeah”, Terra waved it off, “I had my reasons. It doesn’t mean I’m joining you guys or anything, though.” Having said that, the redhead jerked her head towards a rooftop in the distance; motioning Endymion to move before leaping in the indicated route.

“I’ll see you soon”, the armored prince stated before pushing off the rooftop himself.

Silence held the rooftop for a moment before Uranus spoke up once more, “So… what exactly happened here? What happened to the monster? Did you kill it?”

Moon scratched the side of her head while Jupiter and Mars looked annoyed. Venus wound up speaking up first, “Well, you see… what happened was…”

--

Yeah, I know I haven't written in a long while, but life and all that. Plus this huge bout of writer's block and Red dead redemption with Starcraft 2... So... I think I'm writing again. :wink:
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Spokavriel » Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:47 pm

Welcome back. And having the guy get away was a good move. You had him a bit too strong to be a simple monster to end at the end of the fight. It could have worked but you would have had to come up with much stronger possibilities and make the Senshi almost exponentially stronger to catch up with his superiors if you had.

Will you leave off here or will the chapter at least continue through Mamoru and Ranma's convo?
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:33 pm

I plan on continuing through the conversation, since it'll be pretty important. Got the main gist of the talk in my head, but I'm headed to karaoke in a hour so I'm not going to start on it until tomorrow. :P
On the note of leaving Athorm alive, it's been planned for a while, though what I planned for him after this fight wasn't up until 3 days ago. That was part of the problem I had for the writer's block. I wanted to change from the original author's 'Monster of the Week' rotation towards a more 'general' type of enemy. There probably will be some 'MotW' fights, but most of them will be glossed over I'm thinking, with just the aftereffects shown.
I still have a general idea as to Terra's 'senshi power' but the specifics are evading my imagination right now, hence why she didn't use them like in the original chapter.
...
Well, I think that's about it for now... :wink:
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Spokavriel » Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:36 pm

Hope you have fun at Karaoke. May the gift of the muse of music inspire your other muses.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sat Sep 11, 2010 7:24 pm

It didn’t take long before Terra finally halted atop a rather large apartment building only a few blocks away from the school she just left. Turning about, she watched the armored male finish his own leap from the prior rooftop, his boots clapping on the smooth cement surface beneath their feet.

After a few moments of silence between the two, the light breeze blowing his cape and her hair about a bit, Endymion let out a cough into his fist.

“I’m not who you think I am”, Terra flatly stated, averting her eyes while tucking her bright red hair behind an ear.

Seeing the behavioral tick his sister held in the previous life playing out across the redhead before him, Endymion quirked his brow slightly, “We already told you; you’re Terra… What you’re wearing sort of proves the point.”

Giving the Terran prince an irritated look, Terra shot back, “I know that! Akana already gave me an earful about it...”

“Akana already gave you an earful”, Endymion repeated in confusion, “But you ‘are’ Akana… How...”

“It’s complicated”, Terra cut in, waving her hand as if cutting through the words, “but it’s sort’a part of…” Shaking her head, she growled a bit, “We’ll get to that later. Let me get out of this cheerleading getup first!” Closing her eyes, she willed the Senshi transformation away; a quick flash of light covering the transformation back to her civilian form. Opening her eyes once more, she was privy to Endymion’s flushed face and averted gaze. “What’s up?”

Coughing in embarrassment, he motioned towards her with a hand while pointedly keeping his gaze averted, “Um… y-your top…”

Looking down, the redhead found her gi top loosely open, showing a vast amount of cleavage while still keeping her assets mostly covered. “Whatever”, Ranma grumbled while trying the top tighter, though still loose on her smaller female frame. “There, it’s safe now”, she mockingly told the other occupant of the roof with a smirk.

“I’m surprised you’re so… carefree about it”, Endymion dryly commented while he de-transformed as well.

“You get used to it after a while”, she replied with a shrug before shaking her head once more, “We’re getting off track here…”

“How is that”, Mamoru asked, “You’re Akana and Terra… you admit it, so how are you not who I think you are…”

“That’s not the problem... at least not what I’m talking about right now. I’m talking about this”, Ranma stated with a wave of her hand over her body.

Looking over the redhead in the karate-gi, Mamoru quirked his brow in confusion, “I’m not following…”

“I’m not Tendo Ranko, she doesn’t exist! I made her up to trick my mom a couple years ago because…”, Ranma started to explain before stalling out, “Never mind why; she’s fake, made up, nonexistent!”

Looking into her steely blue eyes, Mamoru tried to figure out exactly what his reincarnated sister was pulling… and failed miserably, “What the hell are you talking about?!”

Sighing in exasperation, Ranma tried to focus her thoughts on what she wanted to say next, causing a break for the breeze to whip through the air. “Look, it’s a long complicated story, alright”, she started up, trying to explain the cut down explanation to follow, “but I’m not Ranko, okay. There never was a Tendo Ranko.” Seeing him nod, if not in understanding then in point acceptance if only to hear the rest, Ranma took a breath, “The truth is… I’m Saotome Ranma.”

A moment passed as she let Mamoru have a chance to absorb her words, though the expected rebuttal turned out to be a very confused, “Huh?”

“Yeah, I usually get that”, Ranma nodded in agreement, “but it’s true.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense!”

Throwing her hands up, she cried out, “And reincarnated sisters from long dead empires do?!”

“Yes, they do”, Mamoru loudly responded before thinking about the words actually being said, “Well, at least in this situation it does…” Looking towards the redhead who just crossed her arms under her chest, he ran a hand through his hair. “Fine… so, how exactly do… How is it you’re Ranma, ‘cause I’m pretty sure I’d have noticed ‘those’ on him…”, he stated with a gesture towards her upper torso.

“Yeah, I found them pretty hard to ignore when I first got them, too. You get used to them”, Ranma replied with a shrug. Getting back on track, she brought up, “Okay, how about this. This morning you ran into Ranma… literally.”

“Yeah”, Mamoru hesitantly agreed, wondering where she was going with this and how she knew, “What about it?”

“You asked him… ‘Me’ about Jusenkyo”, she continued, ignoring his own responding question. “Well, instead of meeting up on that rooftop, we’ll talk about it here.” Seeing Mamoru blink a few times, Ranma kept going, “See, Jusenkyo is a cursed training ground… or at least that’s what it is now. Long story short, whoever or whatever falls into one of the pools there turns into whatever drowned in that pool last. Hot water cures the curse while cold water turns the curse back on.”

“So… You’re saying that…”, Mamoru started up, trying to wrap his mind around the prospect.

“That I fell into the ‘spring of drowned girl’”, Ranma finished up for him, though she shook her head soon after. “It’s a little more complicated than that though…”

“I’d say it was already complicated”, Mamoru groused with a snort, “What you’re saying is pretty hard to believe already.” Seeing the annoyed look growing on the girl’s face, he forestalled her with a raised hand, “Reincarnation is pretty easy to believe since I’ve experienced it along with the other Senshi… I’ve yet to come across anything like what you’re saying, but I’m not calling you a liar… just that it’s hard to believe.”

Grimacing a little at the situation, Ranma took a full breath before nodding in favor of a decision, “Fine.” Grabbing one of his hands, she tugged him towards the stairway attached to the roof while grumbling to herself, “Should have done this from the start.”

“Wait, where are we going”, Mamoru confusedly asked to the leading redhead, not really putting up any resistance since they would have gone down to the street eventually anyways.

Not turning her head, Ranma continued to pull him down the stairs while responding, “I’m going to show you the damn curse so you can quit saying ‘It’s hard to believe’.” Snorting, she added, “Really wondering how you can deal with reincarnation, magic and monsters while having trouble believing in a gender curse…”

Not really having a valid response to that, Mamoru kept his mouth shut as they finished making their way down to the street. Once they reached the stairwell entrance, though, he asked, “Where to now?”

Looking up and down the street quickly, Ranma pointed off to the right before pulling him along, “This way.”

Looking in that direction, he saw an arcade a couple buildings down, though he wondered exactly why an arcade would ‘show’ a curse. He did feel a little embarrassed at all the looks he and Ranma got as she pulled him along. ‘Probably looks like we’re on a date or something’, the thought ran through his head, just adding to the mixed feelings flowing through him.

His confusion grew even as the gi clad girl passed by all the games filling the ground floor and headed to the back, coming to a stop and activating the elevator. Looking at her with a raised brow, she just rolled her eyes as the elevator doors finally opened and she pulled him in. It was a quick ride up to the third floor of the establishment, where he finally figured out where she was taking him…

“Uh… Ranko… are you sure about this”, he asked nervously even as she pulled him ever closer in a straight line towards her intended destination.

“Just shut up”, Ranma ordered back even as she pushed open the door to the small men’s restroom. “You! Scram”, she ordered once more, only this time it was towards the surprised twenty something male washing his hands. Moving out of the retreating man’s way so he could leave, she pulled Mamoru in and made sure to keep hold of his hand. “Okay, again… Hot water removes curse, cold brings it back”, she repeated.

Mamoru’s eyes shot wide as Ranma put actions to word, twisting the knobs on the sink and running the same hand through the different temperature streams. The hand his held changed with the switching bodies of its owner, even as Mamoru’s jaw worked its muscles without a clear word coming out. Finally, he shook his head violently and cried out, “How?! That’s…”

“Magic”, a now very male Saotome Ranma responded dryly, “I know.” Slipping his hand out of the still taller male’s, he asked, “So, believe me now?”

“Yeah…”, Mamoru nodded, still shocked with the situation, “Kind of hard not to…”

“Alright, at least that’s done with”, Ranma stated with a nod; pushing around Mamoru to leave the restroom.

Shaking himself out of his stupor, Mamoru quickly followed the now black haired male to the elevator before asking in a hushed but agitated tone, “What do you mean ‘done with’? I’m more confused now than when we started!”

“I’m talking about the curse and how you wouldn’t believe me”, Ranma responded while entering the elevator and pressing the ground floor button.

“So you’re not leaving it at this”, Mamoru questioned with a raised brow.

Giving the taller man a dry look, the martial artist quipped, “Sure, why not. I mean, I’ve only got like a thousand more… No! I’m not leaving it at this!” Exiting the now opened elevator doors, he took a breath before added, “I just don’t know what to ask now…”

Nodding in understanding, Mamoru followed him out of the arcade and back to the street. Once outside, he asked, “So… how long have you had it? You know; the curse…”

“I got it back around when I turned sixteen”, the pigtailed fighter answered before chuckling, “Normally, I’d tell you it was my old man’s fault for not knowing a lick of Chinese but now… Now, I’m not so sure… probably would have happened no matter what caused it.”

“How so?”

“Something Akana said…”, he responded with a dismissing gesture.

Looking at the martial artist with confusion, Mamoru spoke out, “You said something about that before… why do you keep talking like Akana’s another person…”

Letting out a quick sigh, Ranma just responded with, “It all comes back to Jusenkyo…” Knowing this would take a bit to explain, he jerked his head towards an alley they were passing and moved into it, Mamoru following along. “It’s kinda hard to explain, since she… I… we don’t know exactly what happened for sure, but we’ve got a good guess.”

Seeing a ‘go on’ gesture, the martial artist sighed once more while leaning against a wall, “You remember the end of the kingdom?”

“Bits and pieces…”

“Remember me… Akana heading out with that prince from Saturn… Kanma?”

Looking up in thought, Mamoru drew out, “I think so… something about the Phoenix?”

“Yeah, I… Akana was escorting him to see Saffron to check up on something...”, Ranma explained, omitting the weapons as a nonissue, “Well… Jusenkyo isn’t too far from where the Phoenix hang out and as luck would have it, Kanma n’ me… Akana… whatever, both of them were chased there when the nimrod ‘generals’ decided to defect to Beryl’s side and tried to kill us.” Shaking his head sadly, Ranma amended his last statement, “Well, not tried, since I know at least I died.”

“You’re… that can’t…”, Mamoru tried to defend the royal bodyguards even knowing their actions in this life.

Giving off a nod, the martial artist agreed, “Yeah, that’s pretty much the thoughts I had at the time, too. Barely put up any defense even as they tried to slice and blast us both to bits.” Growling, Ranma unconsciously placed a hand were the sword pierced his flesh in the prior life, “Drew it out up until Zoisite managed to skewer me with his damn sword. Then… Well, then, Akana fell into the damn spring and died. That’s where things get complicated.”

“That’s a lot to take in”, Mamoru stated, running a hand through his hair while letting out a breath.

“You’re telling me”, Ranma chuckled slightly, “I’m the one living the damn experience.” Shaking his head, he continued on the explanation, “Anyways, from what I can figure out, whatever caused the reincarnation didn’t work correctly since Jusenkyo was messing around with it. Akana thinks only half our… soul, I guess, got reincarnated and that was me.”

“And once you fell into the spring, you gained the other half”, Mamoru ventured.

“Pretty much”, Ranma agreed, though with a shake of his head, “course, nothing about Akana, Senshi or reincarnation came up until you tricked me into…”

“Sorry about that”, Mamoru said out of reflex.

Ranma just waved it off, “Don’t worry about it, would have probably happened one way or another anyways.”

After a moment of silence between the two, Mamoru started up a question, not sure as to how to say it, “So… Akana’s in your head? I mean…”

“No… No, she’s not ‘stuck’ in my head or some separate person”, Ranma answered.

Confused once more, the taller male questioned, “But earlier you were talking like she was…”

“It’s complicated”, Ranma responded, though Mamoru chimed in sync with the second word. “Yeah, yeah”, the martial artist said with a dismissing wave, “Well, when you’ve got sixteen years of life as a guy and then get part of your soul added back into ya due to a crazy cursed pool, it ain’t simple.” Shrugging, he continued, “So, instead of going crazy, my mind created a… buffer, I guess, and used Akana’s personality for it until my brain can take it all in.”

“I’m guessing that’s a work in progress…”

“You can say that again…”, Ranma agreed with a roll of his eyes.

“So… she’s not… well, trapped in your head… and you’re really Akana… my sister”, Mamoru hesitantly asked out.

“And here we come to another fun topic”, Ranma quipped under his breath before raising his voice to a normal level, “Look, I’ve… accepted that I’m going to turn into a girl for the rest of my life… and since I’m Akana reincarnated, it sorta makes me your sister, but I’m not a girl in this life…” Gesturing towards his male body, he stated, “Sixteen years as a guy, can’t and won’t throw that away; especially since I’m married with a wife.”

“That said…”, Ranma continued with a grin, “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wondered what it would be like to have a brother and I’m thinking it ain’t too late now…”

Blinking a moment as he absorbed all that, Mamoru’s lips pulled up into his own grin, “Well, I guess I can handle a little brother who happens to be my little sister sometimes…”

Hearing the absurdity in the conversation, even knowing full well the topic made sense, both of the reincarnated siblings shared a good chuckle. When they settled down some, Ranma looked out onto the street and noticed a clock hanging in a window across the way, “Damn… I need to get back to see what’s going on at the school…”

“Yeah, I’ve got to go too…”, Mamoru agreed solemnly as he moved towards the alley entrance.

“One last thing”, Ranma spoke out, stalling the taller male, “Keep all of this to yourself.”

Locking eyes with the martial artist, Mamoru scrunched his brow, “But the girls need to know.”

“No, they don’t”, the shorter teen stated flatly, crossing his arms, “I’ve already told them that I’m not joining them and they don’t need to know all this. If we happen to cross paths… Well, I’m going to do my own thing…”

“If that’s what you want, I guess”, Mamoru replied, though looking a little forlorn. A slight smirk grew on his face, though, as he gave a quick wave before heading out, “I’ll see you around… little brother.”

--

End of Chapter 11
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Spokavriel » Sat Sep 11, 2010 9:33 pm

Pretty good ending but its not like Hotaru and Akane won't end up letting the Senshi know all of it anyway.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Tovath » Sun Sep 12, 2010 11:38 am

I know you have already posted this so you might not want anymore comments, but you seem to have some POV errors during the fight scene.
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Re: FPCF - Ch 11

Postby Konsaki » Sun Sep 12, 2010 11:56 am

Tovath wrote:I know you have already posted this so you might not want anymore comments, but you seem to have some POV errors during the fight scene.
I can always edit the FF.net version.
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