Perverted Patch: A Naruto Omake File

[Innortal]

Perverted Patch


Disclaimer: I don’t own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

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Tsunade stared at the open saucer, the milky fluids inside clambering for her to drink them, to imbibe the alcohol-filled goodness.

She couldn’t, not now, maybe not ever. Jiraiya was…

“HEY GRANNY!”

Now she knew she was depressed: she didn’t feel angry at Naruto calling her that still.

“Hey Granny Tsunade!” yelled Naruto, bursting into her office … and then slamming the door shut and falling against it, breathing heavily? Well, it definitely was odd enough to get her mind off her lost friend. “What is it, Naruto? I’ve got some bad news and I need to be alone for the moment.”

“You need to get Ero-Sennin’s ass back here now!” yelled Naruto, not noticing the hurt look on Tsunade’s face at the mention of Jiraiya’s nickname. “He needs to fix whatever the hell he did to me seal now!”

Her depression was instantly forgotten. “What do you mean?” she asked. “Has the chakra started leaking out again?” She began to mentally berate herself for not forcing Jiraiya to explain the Naruto’s seal to her. If it started to fail now…

“Nah, well … not like it did before,” he said, his face turning red with embarrassment.”

“Oh?”

He nodded. “I think he did something … pervy to the seal.”

She sighed, fully believing him now. Somehow, she could see her former teammate not only tampering with the seal, but trying to ‘enhance’ his apprentice. “What is it?”

“Well, I think its making the Kyuubi chakra act … pervy.”

“… Okay, explain this one to me slowly, and don’t leave one thing out,” she said, quickly slamming down the filled saucer. Somehow, she didn’t feel like mourning Jiraiya anymore.

She wanted to have Kabuto raise him back up so she could kill him herself. What kind of idiot pulled such a stunt with the most dangerous Bijuu on the planet?

Naruto nodded, trying to fight off any embarrassment. She needed to know everything before that damned furball did something he would surely be made to pay for. “Well it started on my second mission back, to capture that Akatsuki spy that turned out to be Kabuto…”

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The four-tailed Kyuubi roared in anger at the fact the Snake Fool had even attempted to impale him with that weak sword. After all it had done, the snake still would not die. Well then, he would just have to get … creative.

“Naruto, please stop!”

Blinking, Kyuubi turned slightly, spotting a pink-haired human running towards it. Growling, it prepared to swat her away, after all, it had a fight to finish.

But something caught his attention. Well to be accurate, it was two somethings … gently swaying in time to her run. She seemed to slow down considerably, as she raced towards him, two special items jostling from side to side, almost hypnotic in the way they moves.

To be honest, he didn’t know what to make of these feelings. But the swaying seemed to expand to include the movement of her hips as she ran towards him as well. So for the moment, as she still seemed to be content to run towards him in slow motion, he decided to enjoy the show.

Sakura ignored Yamato’s warnings as she ran towards Naruto, hoping that under that cloak of the Kyuubi’s chakra, he could still hear her, still act like the Naruto she liked. She just had to get him to stop, before he lost himself to the demonic chakra.

Yamato just stood there, waiting. His mind was very confused at this point. Why hadn’t the Kyuubi just batted her away? Jiraiya had told him that in this form, Naruto lost himself. Yet the Kyuubi seemed to be reacting to Sakura. His eyes were following her, and from what Yamato could tell, the chakra had shifted enough so that touching it would not harm her. What is it doing? Why isn’t it attacking her like it did Jiraiya?

His answer came soon enough, as Sakura got within touching distance of Kyuubi, and the semi-Bijuu raised its paws and…

“PERVERT!” yelled Sakura, as one arm grabbed her chest and the other lashed out at her friend, driving him deep into the ground.

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“Yamato-sensei said I groped Sakura-chan,” said Naruto, face flushed.

Tsunade poured herself another saucer. “Yep, that should have been a warning sign,” she said. “What was next?”

Naruto nodded. “Well, that happened after our mission to Demon Country to guard Shion.”

Tsunade sighed at that, remembering the reports from Kakashi, Neji, and Lee as well as Sakura’s own random rants. “I take it something happened either during the mission or the two days of ‘needed spiritual meditation’ she ordered because you both were in contact with the demon?” she asked.

Naruto just shrugged.

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Pain seemed to sere through his body as he slowly woke up. He couldn’t remember why his body hurt so much, let alone where he was, which only added to his suffering. Thinking in that condition hurt almost as much as moving did.

“Mmm.”

Blinking, now fully awake, he slowly turned his head, spotting a very familiar mop of blond hair lying against his side, covered barely by a sheet and nothing else—if what he felt where she was cuddling into his side was right.

His heart nearly stopped as he looked upon her. Somehow, he wasn’t certain how this happened, but he just knew it had to be Ero-Sennin’s fault.

But how? He’d been really careful about trying to access the Kyuubi’s chakra, especially since Sakura started muttering about tentacles and such. And he didn’t even once glow red when fighting against the demon Mouryou or his ninjas.

“Morning my love,” came the tired voice of Shion, as she stretched to kiss his shocked face. “Can we cuddle for a bit longer, I didn’t expect our joy to last that long … or tire me out so.”

“Um … okay,” he said quietly, as she smiled and returned to his side.

Just what the hell did he do?

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“O…kay,” said Tsunade. Well, it certainly explained why the Priestess had been sending a request for Naruto to be placed on a rotating guard duty around her, and some inquiries she had been hearing about some high figure seeking a marriage candidate from Konoha. But that woman couldn’t be that obsessed could she?

“But two days?”

Naruto just nodded embarrassingly. “Kakashi-sensei said that I might have used so much chakra against Mouryou and those Eternal Guards, my body must have started drawing the fox’s chakra at a faster rate to compensate, and well…”

Tsunade just nodded. “And none of your teammates thought this was odd?”

“Well, the guards attributed the screams to Shion-sama removing the demonic taint, and the red glow from Kyuubi’s chakra was getting weaker as far as Kakashi-sensei could tell, so he assumed she was also strengthening my seal.”

At least the Council would by the excuse just as his team had. “Fine,” said Tsunade, releasing her breath. She just hoped nothing came back to bite them in the end.

Right?

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Shion looked into the mirror, rubbing her stomach, and smiling. It was nice to have visions where someone didn’t end up dead. The fact her newest addition would take nearly a full day to come into the world was beside the point. She had a connection to the man she loved, and knew that in his heart, she was always going to be special to him.

But now, she needed to inform the father that she was expecting. Even if they couldn’t marry, she wanted to keep a relationship with him. Who knew, she certainly never planned to have just one child.

“Prepare a detail, I wish to visit Konoha!” she called out, knowing an attendant would hear her.

“Yes, Priestess,” came the calm reply.

Nodding, Shion turned back to the mirror. She wondered if he had any names he would like to have their child named.

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Shaking her head, and wishing she could get a lot drunker a lot faster, she turned back to the genin who was taking not only her attention away from yet another death in her life, but making her wish she had been the one to end said person’s life. “Anything else?”

Naruto nodded. “Well there was one final event that really convinced me.”

“And that would be?”

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“I want to thank you guys for helping,” said Naruto, trying to keep a smile. “We got really close to Sasuke this time.”

“No problem Naruto,” said Kiba, as Akamaru nodded.

“We were honored,” said Shino, still mostly hidden behind his apparel. “How do I know this? I asked the others.”

Naruto just blinked at that. “Shino … really … you need a new catch phrase. That one just doesn’t sound right.”

“I told you, man,” said Kiba. “And why are you covered up so damned much?”

“… You wouldn’t understand.”

“Right,” Naruto said, scratching the back of his head, wondering if dressing like that was part of the rules of Shino’s clan.

“Hey, where’s Hinata?” he asked. “I need to thank her too!”

Kiba scratched his head. “Come to think of it, she should have been here a while ago.”

Even Shino reacted to that. “She is never this late.” He paused in thought to use his catchphrase, but Kiba had started to immediately finger a kunai, which meant he would be a target if he did. Yes, he definitely needed to speak to his mother. His father’s idea for a catchphrase had apparently turned out to be wrong.

“OH YES! YES! YES-YES-YES-YES!”

Blinking, the trio turned to face behind Naruto.

“Um … Naruto?” started Kiba, as Akamaru began to growl. “I think you’re leaking chakra, man.”

Even Shino’s eyes visibly widened as he saw three streams of red chakra seem to flow from the base of Naruto’s spine … and twist around the corner of the building they were standing before … straight to where that feminine scream of joy had come from.

“SHIT!” yelled Naruto, as he tried to knock the red chakra away, but the demonic energy wasn’t becoming solid enough to bat it away, and thus he rushed around the corner, hoping the perverted chakra of the Kyuubi had not harmed someone.

It was worse … at least as far as Naruto was concerned. There on the ground was a topless Hyuuga heir, moaning in passion as the three ‘tails’ continued to tease her to higher levels of joy.

“This is so fucking hot,” said the usually emotionless Shino, a slight drip of blood making its way out of his nose. “How do I know this?” He pointed to the frozen pair of Kiba and Akamaru. “Because those two have passed out from bloodloss, still standing, and have yet to fall down yet.”

Naruto just stared: partially in shock that he was having this happen despite the fact he wasn’t even drawing any chakra, partially because Shino was right … this was damn hot.

But Shino would agree it was more likely the kick to Naruto’s groin from Hinata when he tried to ‘help’ her free of the red chakra that was the most likely reason the blond had yet to move another inch. He’d have helped … but he neither wanted kicked in the groin nor wanted to stop watching.

He may have bugs living inside of him, but he’s not an idiot.

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“The Kyuubi … had liberties with Hinata?” said Tsunade, shocked.

Naruto nodded, wincing slightly. “She still won’t tell me why she kept fighting me getting her out of that chakra.”

Oh, I have a pretty good idea why, thought Tsunade.

“So now you know why I need to find Ero-Sennin and fix this!” yelled Naruto desperately, hoping the stupid fox would be smart enough not to grope the one person who could help him … or make his death painful, messy, and dispose of the body with no traces.

“Um … there is a slight problem with that Naruto,” Tsunade said regretfully. “I’m afraid … Jiraiya didn’t survive his last mission.”

Naruto just stared at her, mouth agape, trying to isolate how he was feeling. Part of him felt devastated that his mentor was gone; much like how he had felt with the Third was killed. Even a small part of him was upset that his teacher had spent so much time goofing off, instead of training to become stronger, something that may have saved him from that death.

But a larger part… “Well, revive his perverted ass and get him to fix my damned seal!” A larger part wanted this fixed before word got out; if the villagers had barely been tolerating him before, the damned horny fox would put him right back to Square One.

That didn’t include the obvious ‘you fixed your small penis by making chakra ones’ jokes Sai would make when he returned from his mission.

“No, I am not performed a banned kinjutsu to bring him back!” yelled Tsunade.

“But come on!” whined Naruto. “I gotta get this fixed!”

“Maybe the Priestess can fix it,” offered Tsunade.

Naruto simply gawked. “You expect me to make a journey to Demon Country while leaking perverted Kyuubi chakra that will grope anything female?”

Tsunade hissed slightly. Yeah, that probably was not a safe bet. And besides, Akatsuki would surely pick such a time to attack him. At least those old fossils got their wish; we can’t send him out of the village now.

Wait… “Okay, answer me this, why hasn’t it attacked me yet?”

“Too old?” guessed Naruto.

WHAM!

“Try again,” said Tsunade, as she returned her hand to her side.

Naruto slowly peeled the scroll from his gut. “You scare it?”

SMASH!

Naruto winced as he learned empty sake bottles did hurt. “How the hell would I know?”

Growling a bit, Tsunade began to stand up, preparing to verbally lash into him, until she noticed something.

Red chakra was leaking away from Naruto … and through the bottom of her door.

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Naruto just growled as he sat in the room within the Hokage Tower … far enough away from any doors or windows so his ‘tails’ wouldn’t sneak out. “It wasn’t like a wanted them to attack Shizune like that,” he mumbled, concentrating on healing areas where Tsunade had almost ‘fixed’ him to get the fox to release her assistant.

He had no idea why he was waiting here. Tsunade herself said no one was better with seals than Jiraiya. Even compared to him, Orochimaru had been a distant second. So exactly who was she supposed to get to help him?

“Well, well, Christmas came early for me this year.

Naruto immediately paled. Not her, not the crazy examiner lady!

“Now come on, brat,” smirked the former apprentice of the Snake Sannin, “let Mistress Anko help you with your … roving eyes.”

He swore, as was his nindo, he would find Jiraiya’s spirit … and make him suffer for all eternity for what was about to happen, even if he had to track down Kabuto and make him perform that Forbidden Jutsu to bring him back, he would pay.

[Heaven's Deamon]

Heh, Jiraiya must be laughing his head off in the afterlife, that, or jealous as hell. I wonder what would happen if Ino used one of her families techniques on Naruto in this situation?

[Chrysicat]

Right off, I have to wonder if the fluids might be better off 'clamoring' than 'clambering', although the image of fluid climbing over the top of itself is amusing...

[Spokavriel]

“No, I am not performed a banned kinjutsu to bring him back!”

performing instead of performed

I missed the clambering one but who knows it might be a Chakra technique to aerate it and enhance the absorbsion of the alcohol?

IF you do end up following this up with him being brought back how much would anyone bet he got distracted by a stray thought and included a character that stands for lust in place of a really close one in the seal that wouldn't hurt the seals overall effect. Maybe even thinking about how similar the lust character and that one are.

[Innortal]

Yep, a pervert zombie!

[Cheb]

A wonderful thing! Weren't I overloaded with a mountainful of task, I'd definitely translated this for the Naruto branch of our forum