And If That Don't Work?

A Neon Genesis Evangelion fic thingy.

By Josh Temple


Naturally, I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. So here's the disclaimer:

Neon Genesis Evangelion  and its characters and settings belong Gainax and Hideaki Anno


Other works can be found at my fanfiction website.


Temporary Backup Site.



Other website Temple of Ranma's Senshi Seifuku


C&C as always is wanted.


Prologue:  Use More Gun



            A pillar of white light exploded over the ridge.  The over pressure blast raced out.  Shortly the airflow reversed,  sucking air and debris towards the center of the explosion as air pressure tried to equalize.  The hot air then rose over the blast center and eventually lost momentum rolling up into a tell-tale mushroom shape. Even projecting in gigantic proportions in an immense Command Center did not do the explosion's sheer power justice.

            Atop the highest level of the room, three JSSDF generals watched the explosion.  The one to the left jumped up and hit the console in front of him. "We did it!"  General  Ishikari looked back where Commander Ikari impassively sat. "Sorry, but there's nothing left for you to do, Ikari."

            Various technicians looked up from their work to gaze at the diluted reflection of the immense destruction.  Lieutenant Ibuki had stayed at her display. "Incoming shockwave." Her announcement heralded the displays cutting to static.

            "It was such a massive explosion... It must have been destroyed." Hesitation colored the rightmost general's statement; he looked to the bank of red phones in front of him.

            "Sensors online," a male technician announced.

            "Energy reading in the middle of the crater," Lieutenant Ibuki stated.

            "What!" General  Ishikari's fist clenched.

            "Visual image restored."  The displays turned on.  The valley where the N2 mine had been positioned was a fiery wasteland.  The Angel's face was knocked up its body far out of position, but it had grown a replacement. Its body was torn and damaged, but it stood.

            The leftmost general slumped in his seat. "That was our trump card...."

            "Unbelievable..." General Yubari sighed, and briefly wondered if Ikari had caught Ishikari's emphasis...  not that it mattered.

            "Monster!"  General Abukuma cried.  He looked to Ishikari who gave a slight nod.  The young general swiped his security pass and picked up one of the red phones. He spoke into it briefly before handing it to Yubari.

            "It's regenerating as expected," Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki whispered into Gendo's ear.

            "Of course, otherwise it would be useless as an independent weapon,"  Gendo noted from behind his steepled hands.

            Fuyutsuki watched as Sachiel raised an arm and shot out a beam that destroyed the surveillance VSTOL rotorcraft. "Oh, impressive. It can enhance its own functions." 

            A few seconds passed. Fuyutsuki straightened up from his position behind Ikari and followed his student's gaze to the... generals.  Ishikari was softly talking into the phone.

            "Have you received the telemetry?  Yes, the N2 mine hurt it.  Good luck,"  Yubari placed the phone back into its cradle and looked at the screen.  It seemed that his country's luck would not improve.

            "Su-33's have entered Japanese airspace," a technician shouted. "Their vector is on approach to the Angel."

            Behind his tinted glasses, Gendo's eyes narrowed slightly. "What is this?"

            General Yubari sighed. "They're from the Admiral Kuznetsov.  When the target made land they launched their jets.  Just... in case."

            Fuyutsuki's pocket vibrated. The elder man pulled out a PDA and looked at the display. He then leaned down and whispered to Gendo. " Captain Katsuragi has the Third Child. They are enroute, there was some... difficulty..."

            Gendo waved him off with slightly more impatient dismissal than normal. His attention was at the trio of generals. "That carrier's not part of the UN detachment," Gendo noted.

            General Ishikari had turned around and faced the Commander. "Quite correct. This is because of the UN's mandate against certain arms."

            "I see."  Gendo's gaze went to the squadron of fighters.




            Captain Andrei Zel'dovich curved his plane in a wide arc. He had been carefully warned. Orientation was key.  His weapon was already well within in range. Comparing his heading and the prevailing winds, the captain smiled. Amazingly, the target was actually visible. Though the fiery crater it sat in helped. "In position." His voice was smug, it was a near thing his wingman Yakov had almost beat him.

            After receiving approval, he depressed the final release and the 8.4 meter long missile slung under his port wing dropped and shot off as its rocket ignited.  The missile broke the sound barrier and its ramjet kicked on.   An exotic engine with no moving parts, air was literally rammed into the annular intake in the missile's tip.  Fuel was mixed and ignited.  The jump in thrust doubled the missile's velocity  and then doubled it again.

            Hovering at just over Mach 4, the rocket crossed 1.3 kilometers every second.  Sachiel  had enough time to start turning towards the Moskva IIB.  A bare fraction of a second before it impacted, the missile's proximity fuse triggered




            Lavrentiyv Sudoplatov sat down on the battered chair.  It grudgingly creaked under the large man's weight.  He looked around the office.  All the furniture was heavily worn, even by his country's standards.  The only thing not pre-second impact was the computer terminal.  A gross incongruity, the machine was a splash of technological triumph in a bleak room. 

            What depressed Lavrentiyv the most was that this was still the best furnished office in the complex.  Getting supplies to the Institute was... difficult in even the best of times.  The effort was worth it, but then the accountants had begun their purge.  Stymied at the inability to cut research equipment, they took their rage on the things they could.

            Lavrentiyv could see their point: moving desks and mattresses and fresh food was expensive,  especially when there was "officially" serviceable equipment already in stock. At least the Institute still got enough money to maintain its technical skills. The expertise here had ensured his country's sovereignty for decades. He looked up at the stout  balding man sitting behind the rickety desk. "I trust you've read the briefing."

            Director Pavel Beria nodded and looked to his left.  A large, faded poster of a wheat field stood in for a window. "I must say I'm disappointed; it's been four years since the Impact," he said in a faraway voice.

            "There were complications with our assets," Lavrentiyv tersely said.

            Beria waved it off. "I suspected. Manpower is short. Metaphysical Biology is an emergent field."  He tapped his fingers on the peeling edge of the desk.

            "You will need additional staff," Lavrentiyv noted.

            "The physics is... murky at best." Beria's eyes wandered back to his poster. "So this is to be taken into production?" 

            "You saw the footage. Our satellites were able to capture it. A giant made out of light rising from the bottom of the earth. You've read Gehirn's theories."

            "And I weep at their lack of rigor. Biologists," Pavel shook his head

            "You know who I represent. Can it be done?"

            Pavel shrugged. "This isn't like smashing through six-hundred meters of granite from another hemisphere.  There's not going to be an elegant solution."

            Lavrentiyv's chuckle died when he saw that the engineer was being serious. "Are you resting on your laurels then? This is more than decapitating-" he gave a wry grin. "- capitalists.   This time we're facing a true threat.  One that will exterminate all life, down to bacteria."

            "And so the Motherland is faced with rumors of an enemy with an unyielding defense.  You have come to the right place.  We have not forgotten our duty."

            "You have a solution?"

            Director Beria smiled. "Force is always a solution, the question is how to apply it."




            This time the explosion was larger, much larger, as was the incipient mushroom. Like the N2 mine the sensors were knocked down.  The Generals sweated; Ishikari had already picked up one of the red phones. Gendo watched impassively.  His curiosity was on how such a development had been concealed from him.  He had underestimated the JSSDF and the Russians.

            "Sensors online." Maya Ibuki stated. She blinked. "No energy reading."

            Just before camera footage resumed. General Abukuma gave a silent prayer.  The gigantic displays revealed a twice-ravaged crater and nothing else.

            Ishikari held his composure.  "Do we have confirmation?   Make sure it didn't simply escape."

            "No sign of Pattern Blue on sensors," one of the technicians said.

            Yubari wiped his brow. "They did it.  We won."

            "Old Tokyo was attacked fifteen years ago. Before that, the spacing was sixty five years. I fear the next time will be sooner again," Abukuma sardonically noted.

            "Even with the fallout. It had to be done" General Ishikari sighed. They had to prove that it was possible.

            "Yes, now we just have to worry about the Russians," General Yubari noted shooting Ikari a glance.  Frustratingly, the Commander was his normal impassive self.  Doubtless this had somehow all been part of his plan.

            Fuyutsuki leaned to Gendo. His hand clenched his PDA.  At least things on that front were... stable. He would start with the more...variable news first. "What do you make of this?"

            "You should be more concerned what the Old Men make of this," Gendo quietly muttered.

            "You've said that 'Normal weapons would have no effect on angels.' " Fuyutsuki quoted.

            "This was no normal weapon." Gendo's eyes went from Sachiel's empty grave to the older man.

            Fuyutsuki nodded. Ikari wanted to find out exactly how this was not a normal weapon. "Understood.  However, what do you think of all this?" He hesitated, wondering if Gendo would broach the subject.

            "A convenient surprise.  We were down a Pilot, and the replacement might not have agreed."

            Fuyutsuki cleared his throat. "About that,  there's been a complication."

            Gendo's eyes widened slightly. "What happened?"

            "They weren't killed in the second blast; they're very lucky. The Third Child and the Captain are alive.  Unfortunately... " Fuyutsuki knew why the JSSDF had tried an N2 mine first.

            For a fraction of a second Fuyutsuki saw Gendo's expression... shift. "Get Akagi, tell her to find a solution."

            "Already have, Sir."

            Gendo turned back to the view screen and stared at the crater. "Then you should just told me that."


End Prologue:


Author's notes:  I'd like to thank Pale Wolf for being the first sounding board on developing this idea. She and DCG were right there from the start. Also, I'd like to thank my pre-readers. They read through my most egregious mistakes so you don't have to. DGC, J St C Patrick, Pale Wolf, Wray, Kevin Hammel, Ikarus, and Jerry Starfire.



The Story Title comes from the "Meet the Engineer" promotional video for the computer game Team Fortress 2. In it the Engineer Class explains his views on life:


            Hey look buddy, I'm an engineer, that means I solve problems. Not problems like 'What is beauty?', because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy.

            I solve practical problems.

            Fr' instance, how am I going to stop some big mean mother-hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer: Use a gun. And if that don't work? Use more gun.