Out of Time, Chapter One

[Trimatter]

Howdy!
Here is a rough of the next chapter of Out of Time.
Warning: I have been told that this is pretty dark.
http://home.austin.rr.com/trimatter/Rou ... p1_v8.html
I would like to thank everyone in advance for looking this over.
----------
I like to thank everyone that took the time to look this over and leave their comments. I am pulling the rough down for final edits.
Thanks again.
- Trimatter

[Light02]

damn Tri you know how to pull the strings right for a dark fic, I hope things mellow out soon.

[Sailor Sedai (Ellf)]

Great chapter Tri. I think I found two errors that your prereaders missed.

She happy," Ranma thought. "She's happy that I'm back."

She's happy. vs. She happy.

"I'm suppose to be a man... I'm suppose to be strong."

Sug. supposed vs suppose. Unless you did that on purpose.
Overall though, I enjoyed the chapter. This fic has just made my watch list.

[Questara]

Wow, emotion ridden to say the least. I believe I noticed signs of a crossover, but couldn't identify it...
Going to be interesting to see what happened to the rest of the NWC.

[stratagemini]

I don't know. I found the chapter as a whole sort of WAFFy. At least the ending was.
You did something similar with teh first few chapters of aftermath too if I recall, I think at least allowing Ranma to have his family back was nicer than the whole "Sleeping in a gutter as a Ronin" thing.
Admittedly It's not as happy as say, FAR, or Ranma Horror. but It's not really dark in terms of angst. It's "Appropriate", teh feel of teh chapter fitted Ranma's emotions, and Ranma's emotions were well within the realm of normal for such an event. Though The closest I can figure to the same event would be a Coma patient coming out of a Coma.

[Adyen]

Huh. The end part makes me think that 20 years there puts them to a time that's more advanced than our current 'present'.

[Atlan]

Ranma was made abput 1988, right? Well now, its 2005. Thats pretty close to 20 years right there.
Shit, i remember 8 years ago when cellphones were the size and shape of bricks, and noone thought texting would catch on. And laptops were less powerfull than a modern PSP.
It makes you think, doesnt it?

[MGSaintz]

Huh. The end part makes me think that 20 years there puts them to a time that's more advanced than our current 'present'.

That more or less describes the Full Metal Panic timeline, from the look at it FMP had similar if not a slightly more advance society from present when it comes to civilian technologies. Arm Slaves and similar advance technology is what creates the gap between the FMP world and our own present time advancements.
Good chapter Tri, you really captured the mood of the situation. Also managed to make it feel dark without making it too dark, some authors when they want to make things dark they usually end up over doing it and you end up with an angst ridden story that is hard to read. Keep up the good work.

[migele]

me likes, me likes a lot
Finally someone making the time shift a real thing with the proper people in place, or is it wrong?, things can get surreal.
good work!

[AscendedWarrior]

So far you have a rather ineresting plot line their Trimatter. I for one cannot wait for the next chapter you release of this story. I cannot help but find myself wondering where exactly you are going with this story, and how things will turn out in the end. Well there's my two cents.

[nuclear death frog]

Hmmm...this returns. Cool.
Okay, a few things to note.
In the first chapter, Kasumi asks the receptionist to find a "Dr. Hiyowai". Yet here you write that his name is Dr. Okamoto (specifically, Kanji Okamoto.) I suggest picking one name and sticking to it. And, I also suggest you change the first name because I doubt very many people in Japan are named after one of their alphabet systems. My suggestion is for it to be Kanryu or Kanryusai, as both of those start with Kan. Kanryusai has the advantage of being the name of a real, historical figure -- Takeda Kanryusai (Kanryusai Takeda, to westerners) was one of the captains of the Shinsengumi.
On Dr. Tofu, I find it amusing that all of the adults are calling him that when it's extremely unlikely that any of them would. Tofu is his GIVEN name, *not* his family name. In fact, I think it would have been funny if he stopped allowing people (specifically, the Tendou family) to call him Dr. Tofu as a way of spiting Kasumi for not recognizing his bloody obvious affection for her. And then, once he'd gotten used to hearing it from them, he asked everyone to refer to him as Dr. Ono from that point out.
The name of Akane's husband (Shinki) is another one I find questionable. I suggest Shinji, Shinichi, or Shinsaku if you want it to start with Shin.
Next...hmmm...ah yes.

Ranma thought the most change thing about Nabiki were her eyes. Where once was a lively, mischievous, and greedy shine in Nabiki's eyes now was replaced by a cold, greedy, and hard look.
Ranma involuntarily shuddered internally as Nabiki sized him up like a shark would a choice tuna fish - or a buyer looking over a piece of property. Either way, Ranma felt like a nick-nack or a object under the gaze of the other woman.
"Amazing. You haven't aged a day," Nabiki commented as she continued to give Ranma the once over. "Still as pretty as I remember. Hmm..."
Ranma began to feel very, very uncomfortable at the look Nabiki was giving her.

Nabiki hasn't changed at all. Good.
I'm glad that there are people in the fandom who aren't willing to whitewash Nabiki's character as so many others do. Cheers.
***
On Gosunkugi: Was that the Heaven's Gate cult you were referring to? I find it hysterical in a dark fashion, which was probably your intent.
On Genma: I enjoyed the references to his own childhood, which is something I've rarely seen another fic touch upon.
On Genma and Soun: still the same stupid shenanigans. It's strangely comforting.
***
Well, I think that's all I have for the moment.

[deathgeonous]

Damn it's good. Very serious, but only slighty dark. I really enjoyed it. I do wonder what Nabiki's got planed for Ranma, she realy seamed like she had a plan for him/her.

[Cheb]

Sorry, I have no negative feedback. The chapter is good.
I must admit, I didn't see any crosses with FMP before. Heck, I didn't even finish watching the series yet!

[ranger5]

Nicely done as usual.
Hate to see Nabiki going that route ... but it does seem to be very logical given her predeliction for "greed".
Good job on the various meetings, Genma and Soun haven't learned a thing over the years have they. But it could be interesting if Ranma hits it off with one of Kasumi's or Akane's kids ... or perhaps Shampoo's (if/when) they hear about the return. Which would be an easy way to logically bring some of the chaos back.
I can see either Akane or Kasumi comforting their daughter and explaining one of Ranma's foot in mouth comments for what it is.
I don't know who or in what fic ... but the comment makes a lot of sense given Ranma's upbringing. When (Nabiki or Kasumi) said something to the effect that Ranma and Akane's relationship (and their expressions/comments) definately showed true love ... if they were a pair of 5 year olds.

[MacShimi]

I liked the tone of this chapter a lot. I like stories where characters question themselves and their motivations. I love it when people have to deal with a difficult situation. But the best part, is the actual dealing with the situation in question. There are very few fictions where characters make an earnest attempt to deal with their flaws. I'd love this one to be one of them.
For the record, I adored this chapter. Keep it up.