by Té Rowan » Tue Nov 08, 2016 4:13 am
My longest snippet in longest time…
This will probably be a longwinded snippet for which the author has no plans to ever apologise.[sup]1[/sup]
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Somewhere, on a near-forgot-about edge of the multiverse where it occasionally intersects with a somewhat-less-forgot-about multiverse, there is a wholly unremarkable galaxy that has still somehow acquired many names, all of them coming from one place out in the disk that no-one with even half a skerrick of sense dares visit. This place, of course, teems with visiting tourists.[sup]2[/sup]
This place is a solar system whose outermost body is sometimes a planet and sometimes not, depending on the whims of a few men who think they Know. This may have something to do with the (other) inhabitants being so amazingly primitive, they still think important jobs should be given to those willing to spend the largest piles of monetary units or bullets[sup]3[/sup] to get that job. Somewhere on, in or near said body is a structure none of these men know of, or they would else be too scared to mess with this body’s classification.
This structure has many names, just like the galaxy around it, but those that know of it usually just call it a Time Gate, all of the other names being much longer than this.[sup]4[/sup]
This particular Time Gate is a wholly unremarkable specimen of the sort, but with a wholly remarkable set of accessories, which is why they are about to get remarked upon.
There is a platform which the gate stands on that looks very much like the main platform of a large railway station. This is intentional, borne from long experience with the Time Gate.
The station house, for there is indeed one, is large, roomy and not at all like a station house. For one, there is no waiting room. It was converted into a bistro long ago.
Finally, there is a pr0n viewer. The purpose of a pr0n viewer is unclear, but it usually gets used to watch couples or groups having some form of sex, somewhere and somewhen. That it can show more than sex tends to be remembered only when there is a Big Game someone has bet a large pile of monetary units upon.
As the reader can guess, any structure of this kind should have a guardian, normally called a Time Guardian. This structure, however, does not have one. It has six.[sup]5[/sup]
Where they came from, no-one knows. Well, they know, so the author is incorrect, after all. This will happen again.
These Time Guardians are all, for some reason probably no-one (certainly not the author) knows, adult female humans, also known as women. This may be significant. The usual kind of woman preferred for the job is tall, somewhat busty, green-haired and red-eyed. Presumably those with green eyes and red hair are considered unsuitable.[sup]6[/sup]
To forestall images of nocturnal yuri-fests, let it be declared that the station house is home to, not only the Time Guardians, but also three males, all of which differ from each other but for one thing: They all know how to keep the Time Guardians very happy in and out of bed.[sup]7[/sup]
These three men{, Xander Harris, Harry Potter and Ranma Saotome,} were all found by the Time Guardians in a most dire state and thus have very good reasons for wanting to keep them happy. They also look after the bistro.
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1. This is the author’s way of warning the reader that the former is about to go adamsing and even pratchetting away in an uncontrolled and most incompetent way.
2. Tourists, as everyone knows, have not even one-tenth of a skerrick of sense.
3. The difference between the two is not always obvious in this case.
4. The habitual use of names six syllables or longer is best left to poets and governmental (with a special emphasis on ‘mental’) institutions.
5. A rather unusual number, and possibly the only remarkable thing about this structure.
6. Utter discrimination, they will tell you if you ask them. And even if you don’t.
7. Likely the main cause for the red-headed, green-eyed women to claim discrimination. They, too, would like to have good cooks and waiters instead of having to be ones.
I go walking. My mind goes wandering.