, a Kingdom Hearts crackfic that pairs up two of the villains and gets everyone together for their wedding, whether they want to be there or not.
. This is a scene from the bachelor party.
Sora and Roxas had promptly set out to find Riku and, unsurprisingly, got very lost and disoriented in the crowd. It was impossible for Sora to keep his bearings with dancers always knocking him off balance with their wild gyrations and making it extremely difficult to concentrate, and the tried-and-true method of loudly calling Riku’s name in hopes he’d answer didn’t work due to the noise from the crowd on the dance floor.
Not only that, Sora still saw no sign that his other friends were there. In a place this big, he had as much chance finding them as he did the bathroom, not that he needed one at the moment. (Yet.) “RIKU?” Sora called loudly anyway, just to make certain his friend wouldn’t answer. “KING MICKEY? ANYONE?” There was, unsurprisingly, no answer. But hey, he had to try.
They’re probably on one of the upper levels, Roxas pointed out.
“I know that,” Sora snapped.
Then…why are we still down here?
Sora flushed. “I have no idea where the stairs are.”
Ah. Well, if we find the wall, we can probably follow it until we reach the stairs, don’t you think?
“Good idea.” With this new goal in mind, Sora determinedly began wading his way through the crowd towards the far wall. At least, he hoped he was heading towards the far wall. He couldn’t really see very well over all the people or monsters between him and there. But eventually, they did find the wall…and someone else too, which was a surprise to both the brothers.
“Cloud!” Sora cried in overjoyed surprise, grateful to see a friendly (ish) face among all these villains. “What are you doing here?”
Cloud, a tall young man with very spiky blond hair, a long black trenchcoat with only one sleeve, with a metal wolf’s head buckle strapping the shoulderpad on his left arm on, and an enormous sword wrapped in bandages for some reason, didn’t even really look at Sora, just stared off into the distance through half-lidded eyes. “I’m searching,” he said enigmatically. “For my darkness. When I defeat him, I can finally rest.”
His darkness? Asked a confused Roxas.
“Sephiroth,” Sora muttered, both to answer Roxas and reply to Cloud. “You think he came here? To this wedding?”
“I sensed him,” Cloud said, still enigmatically. “I can smell his taint, his dark presence. He is near. I shall find him, and then I will defeat him, and end this nightmare for good.”
“Oh, okay,” Sora said. “Uh, by the way, have you seen Tifa recently?”
“…No,” Cloud said brusquely.
“Really? Because I think she’s been looking for you for a while. She implied as much when I met her.” Sora frowned. “You’re not…avoiding her, are you Cloud? I mean, that’s not very nice. She likes you a lot. It’s kind of rude.”
“…Sephiroth is my fight,” Cloud said coldly. “She has nothing to do with it. It’s between me and him, nobody else.”
“Oh, so you’re avoiding her because you don’t want her to get hurt? Well…let me tell you from experience that’s kind of a stupid idea, Cloud. That’s just going to make her more determined to help you,” Sora said with a frown.
Cloud frowned back. “Who asked you?” he said, even colder. “This is my life and Sephiroth is my business. Not yours.”
Sora rolled his eyes. “Sheesh, you should probably join the same group Riku’s going to for therapy…oh, and Sephiroth’s right over there.”
“What!” Whipping out his giant bandaged sword, Cloud whirled around and came face to face with his most hated nemesis. “SEPHIROTH!”
“Hello, Cloud,” said Sephiroth calmly. He was a tall young man, well-muscled, wearing a long black coat with white metal pauldrons open at the front and revealing his impressive abdomen, which had a pair of crisscrossing straps over his chest and several belts wrapped around his lower torso. What looked like small demonic wings or fins grew from his lower arms. A pair of great black feathery wings poked out of the insides of the coat, spreading away from his legs and towards the ground, near his belted black boots. A third, much larger wing, sprouted from behind his right shoulderblade. In his left gloved fist he held a ridiculously long katana, its blade even longer than he was tall. His very long silver hair fluttered in a nonexistent breeze, strands of it blowing across his glowing green eyes. “Thank you for coming…to my reunion.”
“Um, actually it’s Maleficent’s wedding,” Sora pointed out, only to be ignored.
“As long as you exist, I can’t wake from this nightmare,” Cloud said dramatically. “You are my darkness.”
Sephiroth gestured widely. “If that’s so…I shall draw you into the darkness. Into the nightmare that forever deprives you of light, from which you can never awaken.”
Sora blinked. Both mortal enemies drew their swords and began gathering power, Cloud crackling with red energy and Sephiroth with blue. Wineglasses shook, dust fell from the ceiling, the audio systems screeched, pebbles spontaneously levitated into the air, and a baby cried somewhere. With a quick move from his free hand, Sephiroth switched on a music player concealed in his jacket, causing the operatic notes of his theme song ‘One-Winged Angel’ to fill the air, or would have if they weren’t drowned by the funk/rap/rock/heavy metal/unidentifiable music being put out by the DJ.
With battle cries, Cloud and Sephiroth charged at each other…
And bounced back, their swords not even striking each other. “Hnnh?” grunted a confused Cloud.
“What is this strange power?” wondered a puzzled Sephiroth.
“Oh, um…Maleficent kind of cast this Truce spell to keep people like you guys from fighting each other,” Sora said apologetically. “Otherwise, most of her guests would kill each other.”
“…I see,” said Sephiroth, putting his sword away and switching off his music player. “Then I suppose this is not the most opportune place for a battle. I shall see you later, Cloud-“
“NO!” Cloud protested, infuriated. “I spent months tracking you down after you last disappeared! Now that I’ve found you, I won’t let you get away! I WILL finish this!”
Sephiroth smirked. “And how do you propose we do that, if we cannot battle to the death as we both desire?”
“There’s still ONE way,” Cloud said, his eyes steely cold, extending a fist. Narrowing his eyes, but still smirking, Sephiroth extended his fist. And then…
“One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!”
The two swordsmen clasped hands and immediately began clashing their thumbs against each other, Sephiroth turning his music player back on to give their battle a dramatic background. “You cannot win, Cloud. Give in to the dark.”
“Never! As long as I still draw breath, I will never let you win!” Cloud growled, his thumb bobbing left and right in an attempt to draw Sephiroth’s thumb into making a lunge that would leave it vulnerable.
“You cannot win, Cloud, not as long as you cling to the darkness,” Sephiroth intoned, jabbing his thumb at Cloud’s.
“That’s not true!” Cloud hissed angrily, striking Sephiroth’s thumb with his own.
“You do not let go of the past, and that is why you fail. It’s because you don’t let go that I will always return, no matter how many times you strike me down,” Sephiroth said with an evil grin. “And it’s because of that…” His thumb went flat against their joined fists for a split second, tricking Cloud into foolishly trying to pin it down with his thumb. Sephiroth’s thumb quickly slipped away and slammed down onto Cloud’s, pinning it down and ending the battle. “That I will always win.”
“NOOOOOOOO!” Cloud screamed in agony and despair, falling to his knees as Sephiroth chuckled cruelly, savoring his victory as the latin-spewing singers of his theme song hit a high note. Guests looked at them. Sora stared blankly, not quite sure what to think of this moment.
Cloud leaped back to his feet and glared at Sephiroth. “Best two out of three?”
“Very well.” And so the war began again.
Scratching his head, Sora turned and walked away. “Well, that was strange.”
Your friends are weird, complained Roxas.
“Oh, and all of your old friends were the image of normality?” Sora retorted.
Hmm, good point.