"You %^&*#% cat. %^&* you, you hear me? %^&* you to hell!”
“Naruto-kun,” Sakura groaned. “Stop swearing at the cat – it’s embarrassing. And I’m sure there was a reasonable explanation for its escape... again...”
Although, to be fair, the cat was by this point so infamous a public menace that only it’s status as the Daimyo’s wife’s favoured pet kept it out of the bingo books. And Sakura hadn’t been given point position in any of the twelve cat retrieval missions they’d had in as many days. She had neither been assaulted by claw or fang, nor spit, peed on, or hairballed at (she swore it must be a ninja-cat or something, for its resourcefulness). And in all of the resulting drama, mud, and dirt, she had been conspicuously absent due to her laid back task of rear-guard.
Sasuke who, like Naruto, had several scratches as new facial decoration said words that may never actually be repeated in his entire relationship with his team. “I agree with the idiot. %^&* the cat.”
“I agree too. Keep it up Naruto-kun!” Sakura sang a very different tune with the Uchiha as her conductor, although he hadn’t actually said anything about encouraging swearing. “Pull out all the stops!” She urged, on a spur of the moment.
“Pull out all the stops?” Naruto echoed. “You know... that’s so crazy it jus might work.”
Here, Naruto pulled the cat towards his face “Listen and listen good, you little %^&*tastic %^&*er. I’ll $%#$^$#$% your entire litter inside-out if I see your %^& (*&$# self again. Don’t %^&* with me, you goddamn son of a (*#$, or I’ll take your own #$#$ hairball and !#* !# !$# with a shovel! I’ll find a %^&* flagpole and...”
Naruto continued this for the entirety of the walk back.
About two minutes in, the rest of team seven became unnerved enough that they started to walk far enough ahead that they couldn’t here the practically demonic intimidation going on behind them.
----------
“Here’s your cat back, Ma'am.”
“Why thank you! Oh my darling!” The robust Daimyo’s wife smothered the cat in her bosom. “Oh, sweetums, did you miss mommy? And why are you all white? Is this flour?”
“No Mam,” Naruto reported, “its fur has just gone white with fear, Mam.”
“With fear?!” The woman, it seemed, would possibly have a heart attack in terror at the concept.
Sakura sweated nervously and tried intensely to formulate an actually plausible cover for her team.
Sasuke turned up the aloof ‘it doesn’t concern me’ vibe, hoping that people would assume he had nothing to do with it.
Kakashi copied him.
Naruo just laid it on thicker.”Yes Ma'am, the forest around here is very terrifying for housecats Ma'am. Even the wild cats around here are very vicious.”
“Oh my! Is that why he’s shaking too? Oh, sweetums!” The cat, who had neither removed its eyes from Naruto, nor blinked for the entire meeting, was smothered to the point of near-suffocation by its owner. “You look so dreadful!”
Naruto tried to make it look casual as he brushed his few bangs (his hair was still pretty spiky) away from his forehead, drawing attention his diamond mark and the fact that he was the Miracle Medic Tsunade’s heir. “Well, Ma'am, the forest is also home to a host of diseases the average cat isn’t prepared for. This is my professional opinion.”
Sakura flinched. What are you saying?! She was actually buying it! There’s no way in hell –
“Oh, no, that’s terrible! Why, what disease could she have, doctor?”
I don’t believe it!
Sakura really did face-fault this time. Sasuke was actually halfway to the floor before he stopped himself, issued a fake cough, and pretended he hadn’t been about to do something so absurd.
Sakura peeled herself off the floor still disbelieving of their good fortune – but not in a hurry to find the end of it any time soon. Naruto-kun, enough! Stop now! Don’t you dare, don’t you (*&^%$ dare make up anything more stu –
“I’m afraid,” Naruto paused. He tried to make it seem like a dramatic pause but in reality he hadn’t thought this far and had actually run out of bullshit a while ago. Having no choice, he went with the first thing that came to him, “that all signs point towards.... the ‘Scardy Cat’ disease.”
Goddamnit Naruto-kun!
Just as Sakura was ready to slam her friend’s head into the table in wrathful punishment for getting them all hanged for deceiving the Daimyo’s Wife of all people...
“Doctor, what is to be done?!”
Sakura’s mouth dropped. Her mind, if it could be said to do such a thing, experienced a gaping silence as it formulated what thought would even express it’s incredulity.
Inner Sakura was fine though. Wow, that was actually pretty funny!... Hey, hey main personality, aren’t you going to say something? You there? Helooo? Huh.
Naruto looked at the damn devil cat of fire country rendered white and shaking and helpless as it was quickly being devoured by its owner’s bosom and would shortly, he assumed, pass out from lack of air.
He looked at the creature... one which had caused him no end of strife these past few days... and was deeply surprised to feel a measure... of compassion.
This cat... this cat was not born evil, annoying, and downright vicious. It was a victim of circumstance.
“To cure Scardy Cat disease...” Naruto took a deep breath. “It will probably seem weird, but the patient needs a certain amount of time alone.”
“What?” the woman asked, confused.
“It needs a certain amount of space. It needs freedom. Don’t hold it so tightly, for instance.”
“Oh, but snookums likes this.” The woman all but whined.
Like hell he does was the cumulative thought of all save Sakura, who was still trying to catch up with the illogic of the situation.
“And he’s such a frail little kitty.”
Like hell he is!
“Can’t you subscribe a medicine, doctor?”
“No can do Ma'am, it’s a psychological ailment. Your cat needs to stand up for itself a little more –it needs to, like, catch a fish now and then. It needs to grow as an...” Naruto’s brow furrowed. “...individual cat.”
That sounded so stupid.
“Well,” the woman gave a greatly reluctant, suffering sigh, “I suppose. If you say so, doctor. Come along snookums.”
She gently loosened her grip on the cat – inadvertently saving it’s life – and proceeded to leave after giving a generous tip for the ‘free’ medical advice to Naruto personally.
During this exchange, as the cat-loving woman rifled through her purse, Naruto leaned in close to his quarry and reinforced by whisper. “Don’t let me %^& see you again, or you’re %^&* (*&^% on a stick. A pointy stick. Thorns will be #*^* involved. Understand?”
“Here you go. Thank you for looking after snookums, dear.”
“My pleasure Ma'am.”
As the woman left the building the room gave a collective sigh.
Sakura, who had just released a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, began to hyperventilate as if to make up the difference of time. “What are we going to do?!” She violently shook her blond friend. “Oh my god, what are we going to do?! We’ll be found out for sure – that was such a stupid excuse! We’re going to be executed!”
Catching herself, she swiftly clamped both hands over her mouth, noting that she’d just revealed their secret to there room at large herself in her panic.
“What? Who’s going to tell her?” Naruto asked incredulously.
“Anyone can figure it out – it’s so stupid!” She yelled, then caught herself. “I mean, hypothetically speaking – if we had lied – which we didn’t.”
“Are you kidding?!” Naruto laughed her concerns off. “Jeez, you’re smart but you’re so stupid sometimes. Who’s going to do that, and have that cat escape again? %^&* the cat.”
Sakura looked around the room and was surprised to see solemn nods from the ninja’s – and the one royal attendant still finishing some paperwork.
“%^&* the cat.” they chorused.
On that day a pact was formed. Unspoken, but passed on and universally understood, it would be upheld far after the cat in question would eventually pass away
Naruto would later discover that he’d actually installed a new psychological condition into the medical world.
He subsequently tried to argue that this should count as treating a previously untreatable illness – as he’d subscribed treatment - for his mother’s ‘unofficial final exam’, but it didn’t quite pan out with her even after he could get her to stop laughing.