Dark side of the moon: chapter 2, the revision of

[Crescent Pulsar]

Oi... I went through Hell revising this one. X_X Not only had I totally failed to express Nabiki how I had wanted to three years ago, my writing was the kind of stuff that horrors are made of. Not that it came out any better... But I can hope.

Dark side of the moon: chapter 2

Some of the things that I remember getting reviews about, was that the part with Nabiki was too long, and that her characterization was out of touch with reality. It does seem a bit long, but it's actually rather small in the whole scheme of things... Dark side of the moon will be very, very long. <.<; It's not exactly the best thing to do right in the beginning of a story, but I found it necessary for what comes later. As for her characterization... Hopefully I've fixed that, though no one will know until later. XD All becomes clear, as far as Nabiki is concerned, in a later chapter or two. It just wouldn't make sense in the story to explain everything at that this one moment in time.

Now I have another monster to tackle... *Sobs*

[Dumbledork]

Excellent like always. Here are some things I found

stripping herself of her clothing and tossing them into the trash => tossing it (not sure)

Ranma replied with, "Wha...? Now way! => no way

matriarch took the urn and presented it to the her => to her

Not to mentioned our college tuition => mention

had deduced long agp that Ranma's => ago

distracted her enough to calmed her for a moment => calm

such an offer quickly dampered => dampened

It made her wonder if they were they like herself => they were like herself

[Crescent Pulsar]

Thanks! :D Although I kept dampered since it means the same thing as dampened. I think. *Scratches head*

[Dumbledork]

Thanks! Although I kept dampered since it means the same thing as dampened

Hmm... are you sure? I checked at www.merriamwebster.com and I think it's not the same. But if you are sure.

[P.H. Wise]

The bit with Ryouga was much appreciated. Angst without break tends to be stifling, and I was glad to have something to smile about.

Good story, though.

[Innortal]

I am going to ask a question you'll probably find stupid, or answered for the previous chapter, but I'll do it anyway.

Is Ranma permanently a girl now, or is it that something has affected the trigger?

[Crescent Pulsar]

Dumbledork:

Actually, I don't think it works properly with how the sentence is phrased. Dampened does fit better where dampered is. I'll have to fix that. :O

P.H. Wise:

I had originally wanted Ryoga's part somewhere in the middle, but I couldn't conceive a way to make that work. Because that part with Nabiki does last rather long to a reader, what with it being the same character, in the same place... A rather static environment during the angst. Ouchies. <.<;

Innortal:

The easy answer is, yes, Ranma's all-girl. The difficult answer is much more complex, which includes the reason and other bits of things. Some of which are revealed in the fourth chapter, once I get to writing it. Have to revise the third chapter first...

[ranger5]

This chapter still reads smoothly. Nabiki's "treatment" of Ranma explained. Not saying I agree with it ... or that given his past it would work... but then again I'm not sure what would absent a shock of this magnitude. Still nicely done.

This is a good fic and definately deserves to be worked on. I gotta admit I was very happy to see you working on it again.

Once more for the rewrite then on to new stuff. Yeah!!! Course I gotta admit that chapter 3 as it was done was very good so I'm definately looking forward to the enhanced chapter when you get it done.

[Crescent Pulsar]

Actually, her treatment is explained to Ranma, not necessarily the reader. The mistake that I had made three years ago, when I wrote it, was that I had made it convincing to Ranma without keeping that element out of the non-dialogue. This time around I made sure that the words that I used in non-dialogue wouldn't contradict what I have planned in the future. So, I'm practically revealing that Nabiki's character is yet to be sealed in my telling of the story thus far, despite what a reader may see of her now. I put a lot of work in Nabiki's character, just like I've done for the majority of the characters, so I hope I don't disappoint anyone as far as character development and plot is concerned when the reader finds out exactly what kind of character she is.

...

*Wipes forehead* <.<;

I am glad that you like this story, and I appreciate the feedback. It may just be a good thing that I set it aside for as long as I had, since I now have more experience with writing due to my activities at another forum.

Chapter three may take a bit longer than the others... Other than it being longer than the other two, I'm taking a few days off. ;p I have thought about it, based on my memory, and I can foretell that it will be twice as much work as the previous two combined... So I hope it doesn't kill me before I get to write more. XD;;

[nodregah]

The only thing, its not a problem and I cannot think of another word to use, that troubles me is, "Who the hell is Nabiki to decide weather or not Ranma needs to be taught a lesson?" I would have thought Ranma would have asked the same question. But, unless I just missed it, s/he does not even mention it.

[ranger5]

Oopps. Never meant to imply it was explained to the reader.

It did make some sense given what she was trying to do... and combined with the events of Ch. 1 I could see it working as she had hoped. A nice bonus is that it does provide a framework for Ranma to accept (to some degree at least) her actions and (as it follows) a new relationship with Nabiki as a friend/sister.

I did also like Ranma's pointing out that this friendship would only be able to occur if "The Pledge" wasn't carried out.

I LIKE what has been shown of the characterizations so far ... and that includes Nabiki. Heck I like the whole story. (g) at least what I've seen so far.

I am interested to see what changes you make to the next chapter regarding Akane & Ranma's talk. Even if Akane is only interested in Ranma-chan ... her treatment of Ranma leaves much to be desired.

Yes Ranma's treatment back as well, but to be honest many of his problems were the lack of any socialization as to how to react to her actions without going to far. Most of the times Ranma gets into trouble with his mouth (as best I recall) is after he's been put into a situation that wasn't really his fault... and he definately lacks the ability to present himself (now herself) in a way that would potentially defuse the situation.

At least according to my reading of the Manga. So as to not start any back and forth (not necessarily with the Author -- but in general) I'll admit now that BOTH have issues they have to work on.

It will be interesting to see how they get over that hurdle and they BOTH are gonna have to work on it ... especially if either Ukyo or Shampoo (and given the flashback of the old Ch. 3 the Amazons definately aren't bothered by girl/girl relations) So if
either or both are still interested in Ranma ... will she still be more jealous than she should ... with the attendant problems? Or will the confession as to their feelings lessen those reactions to a point they CAN create a more balanced relationship.

I'm definately looking forward to see how you handle this and have expectations that your story will handle these issues well.

(

[Crescent Pulsar]

nodregah:

Ranma did become upset when she found out about it, but other things that Nabiki brought up derailed and subsequently ended up changing her perception about it.

ranger5:

Yes, the talk and, indeed, the whole scene between Ranma and Akane has definitely been on my mind, even though I haven't read it since way back when I had first written it... <.<;

And that's all I'll say for now, barring I get more reviews... Since I'm guessing this isn't for discussing things. XD Oh, well... I guess there can be more time for a little more discussion once I get the third chapter revised.

[nova]

it is a good story to read and wonder where ranma goes to after leaving the tendos. will the cat advisors say anything about sailor moon having a twin sister. will ranma see her guardian again to her more of her history.

[Alathon]

After reading the first couple chapters, and with my hazy memories of what came after them in mind, I can't help but find myself rooting for the bad guys. Between the wildly unbelievable "paying the bills, saving for college" fanon Nabiki, the Amazon worship, and Ranma's balls getting cut off both literally and figuratively.. well.. there's not much to like about the good guys.

The one thing that really jumps out at me though is Nabiki's conversation with Ranma concerning his pride. The way she blames Ranma for being hurt by her selling photos of him, claiming it's his fault he was so prideful as to be offended. The way she takes him to task for not crying publicly, when men are socially expected to not cry publicly without really, really good reasons, and pins this on his Pride as well. The way Nabiki justifies blackmailing Ranma and generally treating him like shit, by saying it was a 'lesson' and it wouldn't have been so bad if he'd broke down and admitted it pissed him off. And the way Ranma buys all this crap. It's just repulsive, and makes me want to see the both of them die in a fire.

Worst of the lot is, of course, the claim that Ranma should be appologizing to Akane regardless of who's at fault just to smooth things over. It's that attitude that creates a person like Akane, someone who knows their food sucks but expects people to eat it anyway. Adopting that attitude, that he's obligated to take responsibility for placating Akane in general and giving up even his token complaints about lousy situations would essentially make Ranma the Tendo's whipping boy.

Not to mention that Ranma's arrogant balls-to-the-wall attitude just wouldn't drive people away in a high school setting, especially mixed with his general physical prowess and attractiveness. If anything, it'd attract sycophants by the bucket load. We're not exactly talking about Antioch College, after all, this is 14-17 year old kids in a society where men are expected to maintain a confident outer face.

[nova]

it is a good story to read and it will be fun to read about ranma getting know her sister from long ago. it will be nice to have have some one that isn't nice just to scam her out of something. wonder how ranma handles being a sailor scout.