Big Human on Campus: After School wrote:"Okay. Senpai, your chainsaw is at full fuel," then Yukari rolled a D20, "Kouma, your lawyer has contracted cancer."
There was a moment of stunned silence as Kouma's eyes widened.
"WHAT?"
"Cigarette smoking induces cancer in humans," Yukari said, shrugging, "your lawyer is dying."
"Uh, actually-" Tsukune started to speak, but Kouma panicked and cut him off.
"Cancer? Nobody said anything about cancer! Why wasn't I warned about this?" the hellhound demanded.
Ranma's hand snapped to the side too fast for the human (or most non-human) eyes to see, and then he held up Kouma's cigarette carton in front of the boxer's face.
"What does it say near the bottom?" Ranma asked blithely.
"Wait, you mean that warning is real?" Kouma asked in a panic. "I thought the Surgeon General was just a marketing character! You know, like Captain Crunch!"
"Captain Crunch never warned people about the dangers of eating too much sugary cereal," Moka pointed out.
"Well, maybe if he did he'd have made General, too," Kurumu mused.
"Look, guys," Tsukune tried again, "cancer is-"
"Somebody do something!" Kouma shouted. "I'm dying, here!"
"No you're not!" Tsukune shouted suddenly, surprising everybody. "Cancer takes a fairly long time to kill a person! And it takes a long time to get it, too! Your character is not going to die any time soon."
The others stared at Tsukune silently for several seconds before Kouma snorted. "And how would you know that, anyway? You don't have any points in medicine!"
"Plus you didn't even roll for it," Yukari said, shaking her head. "Kouma, your HP drops by 5."
"Damn it! Help!"
Tsukune sighed and gave up.
"Moka's nurse has points in medicine, right? Maybe she can fix it," Ranma suggested.
"She's not here! The one time she might actually be able to help!" Kouma moaned.
"All right then, since it's come to this," Ranma said grimly, "my carpenter draws his chainsaw."
Kouma looked alarmed. "How is that supposed to help?"
"Evil Moka wants to know first if you're planning on putting him out of his misery, and second if her class gives her access to any underground organ markets," Moka asked wearily.
Ranma shook his head, "No, I'm not going to kill him, I'm going to save him. My carpenter revs his chainsaw and prepares to fight cancer."
The stunned silence didn't last long.
"You want to fight cancer?" Tsukune asked. "As in... physically?"
"With a CHAINSAW?" Kouma asked, gaping.
"Hey, I have a chainsaw, a hammer, a can of gas, and two dozen nails. I'm using the best tool I've got!" the pigtailed boy admitted.
"My manager has a letter opener," Moka volunteered.
"That would take forever," Ranma scoffed, "and we're losing Kouma fast."
"Ranma, you don't fight cancer this way," Tsukune said.
"Well, how DO you fight it?" Kouma asked, puzzled, "Hellbeasts don't have to deal with these things!"
"I've heard that sometimes humans fight it by having a bunch of healthy people walk long distances," Kurumu said, tapping her chin.
"How does THAT help?"
Kurumu shrugged. "I dunno. It always seemed kind of dumb to me, so I never looked into it."
"Well, unless you guys come up with a better idea..." Ranma picked up a D20.
"I can think of a DOZEN better ideas than-" Kouma started to say before Yukari interjected.
"5 more HP down."
Ranma raised an eyebrow and tossed the die into the air, catching it on the way down. "Well?"
"Ranma, how would you even USE a chainsaw to cure cancer?" Tsukune asked.
"It's not STRICTLY impossible," Yukari pointed out, "assuming that the tumor is isolated enough, that it resides in an organ that can survive a degree of trauma, and of course there are the more finicky matters of a carpenter being able to identify and remove the cancerous tissue with a non-surgical tool and keep the patient alive without any anesthetic or disinfectant." Yukari shook her head. "Rather than impossible, it's just so outlandishly unlikely and pointlessly dangerous that someone would have to be a complete idiot to even try."
"Story of my life," Ranma quipped as he tossed the D20 onto the table, "now let's do this."
-------------------------------------------------------
Silence reigned at the table as everyone stared at a group of dice sitting in the middle of the table next to a Wikipedia printout of a human skeleton and a crude outline of a human body marked with pencil lines to indicate incisions.
"My carpenter puts away his chainsaw." Ranma raised his head. "Well?"
It took some time for Yukari to find her voice. "Well... Uh... You, Ranma Saotome, hippie carpenter-slash-martial artist... have defeated cancer."
"With a chainsaw," Ranma added.
"With a chainsaw, yes," Yukari amended. "Erm... You get... 1000 XP, I guess."