Fukufic 101 rewrite

For submitting and talking about story ideas, individual scenes that need doctoring, outlines, or other detail work that isn't quite ready for the C&C thread.

Idea submissions must be at least five paragraphs long, and include plot points, summaries of which characters are involved, and, for fanfiction, how it differs from canon. Both original and fanfiction ideas welcome. Though original works should have more development. Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Fukufic 101 rewrite

Postby Blackcat101 » Wed Jan 14, 2015 7:02 pm

I am not happy about the early chapters of fukufic 101, so...

Chapter 01: Talking Ghost Cat

Ranma started to wander around Juuban, after all, men didn't ask for directions, then he face-palmed. Wasn't he supposed to be pretending to be Ranko, a girl? Still, Nodoka had just moved a month ago, finding someone who knew one Nodoka Saotome would be hard. Wait, didn't he had one of the letters his mother had sent to him? Ranma jumped to a rooftop, opened his backpack and started to unpack, there it was. Thankfully, it was sent from his mother new address, now all he had to do was...

RAAHHH!

What the hell was that? It sounded like an angry demon or something dangerous. It was the duty of a martial artist to protect the weak, he should go and see what it was about. Ranma looked to where the roar had come from, and heard another one that was even louder. He picked his stuff back into his backpack and started to jump rooftops to see what was going on.

After a few blocks, Ranma saw two girls in embarrassing revealing girl school uniforms with short skirts, fighting a lizard monster. Their fighting style was terrible, the girl with blue hair just seemed to avoid the monster attack in a very scared way, while the blonde with two long ponytails was crying and saying she didn't want to fight, someone seemed to be yelling at the blonde, hiding behind a trash can.

The blonde girl threw some sort of disk to the monster shouting "MOON TIARA ACTION!", but the monster grabbed it with its strong hands, stopping it, the monster hands were hurt, bleeding black blood, but besides that, it didn't seem to have taken much of a beating. Wait, was that disk... A tiara?

Ranma dropped his backpack and jumped at the lizard back, kicking it and making the monster growl, what the heck? His leg hurt and it felt like it had lost a lot of chi, and the monster barely moved with the kick!

The monster drooped the tiara and looked at him, this monster drained chi, so direct contact and energy attacks were out. Well, he could at least annoy the hell out of it, right?

"Hey ugly? Why are you fighting weak girls with skirts? Do you fear to fight a real challenge?" Ranma yelled and stuck his tongue out to the monster, the monster roared and started to chase after the redhead. Damn, running with one limping leg was hard, those girls seemed to be some kind of monster hunters, and that tiara attack looked like magic, so he was just distracting the monster until...

"MOON TIARA ACTION!"

The monster roared for the last time as it turned to dust, Ranma looked back surprised. Such a powerful creature and it only took one attack? Still, he had seen the girls fight, they really needed help, and well, he needed something to do besides girl stuff so maybe...

"Who are you? Why did you try to fight the Youma? You could have died!" Asked a talking black cat, wait a minute, a talking... black... cat?

"AHH!" Ranma yelled a girly scream, jumped back to the rooftop, grabbed his backpack and ran out of there. His leg hurt like hell from the strain he was putting in it, but no way he was going to let another talking ghost cat get him, one was bad enough, thank you!

"Was something I say?" The talking cat asked confused. "Well Luna, maybe you should have let us do the talking first? The poor girl almost got killed by a monster and the next thing she sees is a talking cat." The blue haired girl said, the blonde was confused and staring to where the redhead had just been, then she finally said, "Maybe it was another Senshi?"

"Maybe." Luna said, since she was hiding behind a trash can, not only they would probably give her a bath, but she had also lost sight most of the fight.

*****

When Ranma finally stopped running, he was in the other side of the city, and his leg hurt like hell. He looked around, was that a Shinto shrine? Then, just to put salt to the wound, it started to rain. Maybe he could ask refuge there? The rain was a good excuse, and if he arrived to his mother home with his leg like that it would make her worry. Then Nodoka would ask 'Ranko' how he got his leg injured, and then would tell the redhead than what 'she' did was pretty stupid, and so on. With no better option at hand, the redhead walked to the shrine and knocked the door.

Someone opened the door, Ranma saw a familiar face and froze "Ryoga?"

No! Not now, not after how tired he was and with his leg like that, no more of this dammit! It was bad enough he had to be rescued by two stupid girls in fukus and their evil demon cat! He didn't want to fight, he wanted to take a hot bath, she wanted to sleep. He wanted to...

What would a girl do?

"Uh, Ryoga? Can we postpone our fight for later? Is raining." Ranma then looked at Ryoga again, he was just staring at him like he just saw a ghost, what the hell was going on? Where was the usual face of anger?

"Well..." Ryoga seemed to think for about a moment "I just had a warm bath, so yeah, I can wait." Why did Ryoga sound so... relaxed? That's it, it must be a trap! Then Ranma looked at his chest, it was raining heavily, and while he was wearing a bra, his shirt was soaked. That means the reason Ryoga had looked at him like that way was because...

Ranma entered the temple and started laughing, being watched by a very confused Ryoga.

"Ranma, are you ok?" Ryoga asked worried, why was Ranma laughing? Was she laughing at him? No, when Ranma made fun of him he usually called him P-chan. The boy looked himself over, then touched his head, then looked around. "Ok, I give up, what's so funny?"

"You... hahaha... you find me cute!" Ranma said and forced himself to stop laughing, "You were looking at my chest right? Only that because you know me and I am fully clothed you didn't nosebleed."

"WHAT? NO WAY, YOU ARE A BOY! I AM IN NO WAY ATRACTED TO YOU!"

Ryoga yelled, his face full of anger, the only thing stooping the boy from attacking Ranma was the fact he had not insulted him, the fact Ryoga was a guest in the shrine and didn't want to destroy the place, and the fact that with so much rain girl Ranma would defeat him in mere minutes.

"Is okay, I just had a bad day, I needed a laugh, thank you." Ranma said smiling

"Wait, you said... thank you?" Ryoga eyes opened wide, what the heck was wrong with Ranma?

"Yes, I did. Besides, I am injured." Ranma pointed to his leg " Is raining, and a real master of the art knows when to fight and when not to."

"That sounds... so unlike you." Ryoga said "Did something happen? Did you hit your head or something? Are you possessed? This is a Shinto shrine, they can exorcise you if you have a demon is in your body."

"This will sound quite weird, but... I am trying to act like a girl."

"What? Why? Is this another of your tricks to get something?" Ryoga had to force himself to count to ten and breathe in an out. His sensei had taught him to not judge people without knowing all the facts and without listing to all sides first.

"Well... two reasons. One, I might have this curse all my life, And two, my mother can't see me as a guy, or she would find out about the curse, so I decided to came to visit her as Ranko."

"I understand." Ryoga knew pretty well what Akane could do to him if she ever found out he was P-chan, so he would be a hypocrite if he called Ranma a coward. Of course he would not be thinking like that before he meet his Sensei.

"Really? Wow, being here must have done you good. Normally you would be attacking me by now, even with the rain. "

"Yes, Master Hino made me understand some things, and helped me to learn how to calm myself."

Ranma smiled, boys did not talk about their feelings, but girls do. So...

"Remember that time when I was weak and helpless and everyone was attacking me? You defended me, you cried because you saw me being weak, you are a true friend."

"What? No way! I just was following the code, to protect the weak, to protect those who can't protect themselves!" Ryoga protested, but then... did he really hate Ranma so much? It was true that it was because of Ranma he was cursed to turn into a pig with cold water, it was true that he hated him because Akane loved Ranma and not him. But then, if Ranma was really his enemy he would have told Akane that he was P-chan long ago. Also, after talking it with Master Hino, even he had to admit that chasing Ranma to another continent over a bread feud was too much.

"Well... if we say we are friends, can I still try to hurt you in a fight?"

"Of course, what are friends for?"
Blackcat101
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Re: Fukufic 101 rewrite

Postby Dumbledork » Thu Jan 15, 2015 2:50 am

Where's the difference? It's been a while since I've read the original but this looks exactly the same. Where are the changes?
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

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