Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saotome

For submitting and talking about story ideas, individual scenes that need doctoring, outlines, or other detail work that isn't quite ready for the C&C thread.

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Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saotome

Postby talonhunter » Thu Aug 07, 2014 4:25 pm

So this is the opening scene of a new story idea I got and want to see if I need to change anything or expand on it before moving forward with it. Tell me what you think needs expanded on or approached from a different angle...

The Secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saotome...

The dream. The same dream that haunted them for so many years. How does one cope with the loss of everything? Some hide in their work, their duty, their family. Some run away and hide from themselves, lost In their mind, in their spirit, in their faith. But what do you do when you loose yourself so completely, only another tragedy of reality shattering consequences can bring you back? For someone, it's about to become a very real situation...

Mt Phoenix. Technique after technique, many seemingly pulled from nowhere, and a few truly unique to the individual fighting the crazed Demi god hatchling in front of them. And still the fighter was loosing. Even "borrowing" power from the nearly ascended would be tyrant in front of them, it wasn't going to be enough. Their own personal reserves had been shattered long ago in this fight and still they fought on. Desperately searching their thoughts for something, ANYTHING, to just tip those odds even slightly in their favor. Then they found...something. It's power had been there all along, a trickle of a thread, and the fighter knew, this was the only reason they were still in the fight. But here was their birthright, locked away til sought.

Tentatively, the fighter reached for the power, then stopped. Here was something locked away for a reason, and like so many things learned by the fighter, the price might be more than they were willing to pay. Suddenly, there was a buildup of the godlings power, more than at any point in the fight. Looking towards the super heated ball of power heading toward them, movement from their breast pocket momentarily distracts the fighter as a doll, no not a doll but a shell of a girl dehydrated to the state of near death pulls itself from the pocket and literally stops the ball of power. "AKANE!!!" Cries out the fighter as she is hit, all but disintegrating the small form.

Now it's amazing what anger and pain can do in terms of power, and what people will do when pushed to far. Any misgivings the fighter had about using the power locked away within themselves. Suddenly, time slowed to a stop. Power gathered in the young fighters hands. With a scream of "Dragons Fist Ascension Revised: Dragons Chrono Assault!" A wave of power rushes towards the being who would be King. Not fearing the new attack figuring the landling had just used the last of whatever had been keeping them in the fight. Imagine his surprise, when the assault caused him to suddenly loose power and age in a painful and firery way. Unable to prevent this rapid de aging and loss, he screamed in vengeful frustration. Then he was no more, just a large glowing egg remained. The fighter stumbled towards the egg. Drawing on the last of what power they gained from their momentary boost, in words almost to quiet to be heard, the voice called out "Dead Scream" blasting into the egg, causing the glow to completely fade before blowing up the egg, and surrounding mountainside into fine dust. When the dust settled, the fighter collapsed into a puddle of water, activating a recognized change...but different as well. And where Ranma Saotome, premier fighter and best of his generation fell, a green haired woman lay in the scraps of what was left of his clothing.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby Ellen Kuhfeld » Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:40 am

This is a decent opening - Ranma/Setsuna now has the power. But what will sie do with it? That's where the tale will or will not come alive.

Couple of grammar problems here. Sorry, but this old bat can't help herself.

These days everybody seems to be using loose when somebody suffers a loss. But "loose" is better used in referring to, e.g. loose clothing. When you look in your pocket and the money is gone, then the word lose is appropriate.

The possessive of it is its - its clothing, its power. The word it's is a contraction for it is. Everybody has trouble with this one.

Compound adjectives work better with a hyphen in the middle: nearly ascended would be tyrant just reads better as nearly-ascended, would-be tyrant. (I have argued this with professional writers and editors. You don't have to listen to me on this one, but Grammar Monster says hyphens are de rigeur in the UK, but optional in the US. I read a lot of books from England in my formative years.)

Pushed to far should be pushed too far. It's that terrible triune set of words: to, too, two.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby ckosacranoid » Fri Aug 08, 2014 11:52 am

Interstesting start to something. Having ranma locked as pluto. That is different. The only thing close was drowned spring of pluto that had ranma fallinto in one story. You say that crystal toeko is not going to get built this time with ranma as the gate tech. To much choes follows him around.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby Spica75 » Fri Aug 08, 2014 4:53 pm

Couple of grammar problems here. Sorry, but this old bat can't help herself.


Better if as many as possible improves their writing. And you´re good at it. And i agree with your notes.

The possessive of it is its - its clothing, its power. The word it's is a contraction for it is. Everybody has trouble with this one.


Indeed, even though i know it perfectly well, i still manage to mess that one up repeatedly unless i slow down and write for quality only ( rather than speed ).


Aaanyway, i noticed one part which was not of the good...

Any misgivings the fighter had about using the power locked away within themselves.


What? The misgivings disappeared? Were overruled? Played a game of monopoly? Went away?

Small mistake to make, but annoying.

So this is the opening scene of a new story idea I got and want to see if I need to change anything or expand on it before moving forward with it. Tell me what you think needs expanded on or approached from a different angle...


It really depends on where you want to go with it from there.
Overall the scene is pretty good, short but still including what´s needed to make it complete by itself.
Still, the text might gain from not being quite so crammed together in some places, especially the last section.

So, is this the starting point for a story focused on crossing over with SM or something about the "Future of Ranma", i assume it´s action oriented, and there´s the question of what happens/ed with Akane and so on. Like i said, hard to say much without knowing more.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby talonhunter » Sat Aug 09, 2014 4:41 pm

Splica and Ellen...thanks for pointing out the issue with the grammer, context and hyphen use, I'll fix them with the update and more content later this weekend.

ckosacranoid wrote:Interstesting start to something. Having ranma locked as pluto. That is different. The only thing close was drowned spring of pluto that had ranma fallinto in one story. You say that crystal toeko is not going to get built this time with ranma as the gate tech. To much choes follows him around.


Interesting you remember my Pluto Pool story that I haven't had the heart to finish since I lost all the data and notes when that laptop died a horrible death. Ranma isn't locked for all intents, and Setsuna wasn't drowned in the pools of sorrows either. Crystal Tokyo...that's a tough one at this point because if Pluto wasn't manipulating things, then something about te reincarnation could cause things to a certain way. In one idea, I have Usa whisk Ranma/Pluto away from the scene before they are discovered, in another I have Ranma in a daze as funurals are held for Panda-man(Genma), Shampoo and even Akane in a couple ideas, but how they mesh with this new Sailor Pluto and the reborn scouts is where I'm feeing my way thru right now. I promise it will be both unexpected and plot worthy as well.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby Ellen Kuhfeld » Sat Aug 09, 2014 7:46 pm

talonhunter wrote:Interesting you remember my Pluto Pool story that I haven't had the heart to finish since I lost all the data and notes when that laptop died a horrible death.

:arrow: This is OT, but important: your laptop may have died, but it's quite possible the hard drive didn't. You can find cases for laptop drives at Amazon for a pittance. (The cheapest I saw was $2.95.) The odds are good that you have a 2.5 inch SATA drive, though you should check first. Honest, it isn't hard to get the drive out of the laptop -- it's just taken a teeny Philips screwdriver for the ones I've done.

Stick the drive into the enclosure, plug it into a USB port on your new computer, and the odds are very good you will have all your files back, available to your new computer. Worked for me many a time.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby Spokavriel » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:33 pm

Coincidence? Maybe but I think not.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby ckosacranoid » Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:12 am

I think we are talking about different storys of ramna as falling into the spring of drowned pluto. The story I am talking was 30 some chapters and had ranma fell into the spring, but shapoo was to be the next person. But the amazons work with ramna and the scouts agaist the dark kindom and all the scouts get woke up I think. Cause at the end of the story during the battle with barrel pluto regains her life and ranma loses his curse. I have it saved, just have to find.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby PCHeintz72 » Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:23 am

ckosacranoid wrote:I think we are talking about different storys of ramna as falling into the spring of drowned pluto. The story I am talking was 30 some chapters and had ranma fell into the spring, but shapoo was to be the next person. But the amazons work with ramna and the scouts agaist the dark kindom and all the scouts get woke up I think. Cause at the end of the story during the battle with barrel pluto regains her life and ranma loses his curse. I have it saved, just have to find.

Unless I am misremembering it, you are likely referring to:

RANMA-SM 'Ranma the Prophetess' by ejhawman - [Dld Date=07/07/2010] - [Dld Size=1190kb] - [Dld File Cnt=31] - [Dld Status=Complete]
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby talonhunter » Mon Aug 11, 2014 3:15 am

Never saw that one, The Pluto Pool pre dates it by 2 years so who knows, I'll get back to it as a rewrite sometime down the road
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby Blackcat101 » Wed Aug 13, 2014 9:56 pm

I had an old fic where Ranma was the reincarnation of Pluto due to a curse. Might try to look for it give it a rewrite.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby LawOhki » Thu Aug 14, 2014 5:48 am

talonhunter wrote:So this is the opening scene of a new story idea I got and want to see if I need to change anything or expand on it before moving forward with it. Tell me what you think needs expanded on or approached from a different angle...

Well why does it have to be the Phoenix arc? Other than the start of the series it's one of the most used jumping off points especially for Ranma finding some unseen power and becoming a senshi or finding out he can use the lighthawk wings. You're continuing to use a lot of fanon stuff like Saffron being a god when he wasn't or that it was so hard and difficult. (Herb fight would be better for that kind of thing)

Would be a bit more Ranma-esqe if it was like the spring sleep incense story where Ranma actually gets hit by it and has all these visions that turn out to be Pluto, and he slowly gets changed into a younger version of Setsuna before they can wake Ranma up. So more humorous and completely pointless way for it to happen.

There really isn't that much there to comment on since you haven't included where the story might be going.
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Re: Working title:The secret of Sailor Pluto and Ranma Saoto

Postby Sanjiyan » Tue Jan 20, 2015 4:02 pm

Blackcat101 wrote:I had an old fic where Ranma was the reincarnation of Pluto due to a curse. Might try to look for it give it a rewrite.


Was it The Sands of Time by Richard Foo? If so, did he ever write any additional chapters as I only have 1-4.
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