Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

For submitting and talking about story ideas, individual scenes that need doctoring, outlines, or other detail work that isn't quite ready for the C&C thread.

Idea submissions must be at least five paragraphs long, and include plot points, summaries of which characters are involved, and, for fanfiction, how it differs from canon. Both original and fanfiction ideas welcome. Though original works should have more development. Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby Blackcat101 » Fri Oct 25, 2013 1:48 pm

What if Ranma neko-ken training had awoken something sleep inside Ranma? What if because of the neko-ken Ranma stooped caring about what his father or about what everyone else thinks? And Why Ranma eyes sometime become gold colored and now both of his forms have red hair?

*Also I decided I would be funny to make Ranma have a lot of girls chasing him, and a lot of boys after his female form. This story is a crossover with Gold Digger by the way, but it will take some chapters until we get to that.

Blood in the water chapter 1 beta 2

Ten years ago...

"No please, Pops! Not the pit! Anything but the pit!" A six year old Ranma screamed as he was pushed toward a deep pit full of starving cats, while covered in fish sausage.


"Ranma! Don't be such a little girl! Now get in there and learn the Neko-ken!" Genma shouted as he shoved his only child into the pit of starving cats and shut the lid. Because of that he didn't notice how Ranma eyes became golden for less than a second. It seemed that while the result of the training would be considered a complete failure, only leaving Ranma with a great fear of cats, the trauma of the neko-ken training had awoken something inside Ranma, but only time would tell what it was.

IIIII

Ranma Saotome frowned as he looked at Jusenkyo. "This is it? Just a place with pools of water and bamboo sticks? I swam to China for this?" Without looking back, Ranma slowly started to walk away, truth be told, there was a voice inside his head that told him to leave as fast as he could, and every time he had ignored that voice so far he had ended in trouble. For once, he decided he would listen to that voice, unfortunately, his father had other plans.

"Oh sirs, please listen to me, this in important." The Guide said and he gestured to the pools. "This place is very dangerous. No one use it anymore since there is over one hundred springs here and each one have own terrible curse."

"Ranma, lets spar a bit!" Genma said as he leap up to one of the poles that stuck out from the pools. Then finally noticed his son walking away "Where do you think you are doing? It took us over a week to find this place even with a map!"

"Well..." Ranma said without looking back "I am leaving, this place is not worth my time. "

"What? Foolish son, you think you can just leave me after all the time I invested in you?" Genma jumped back to the ground and ran to his son trying to hit the back of Ranma head. He couldn't understand why his son was doing this, he had done every possible thing to make his son love the art and only care about martial arts.

Ranma easily ducked away, and used his left leg to make Genma trip, all that without even looking back. Of course, it wasn't gonna be that easy to win. Soon the fight escalated and both fighters ended jumping into bamboo poles, while they guide screamed at them to run away before it was too late.

Ranma was now focused on the fight, once again ignoring that little voice in his head, the two fighters keep jumping around the bamboo poles, trying to make the other one fall, finally Genma was kicked into one of the springs.

"See? This place is a waste of time!" Ranma shouted, just then Genma resurfaced as a panda, while that surprised Ranma he had been trained to fight by instinct, so he ducked in the way without thinking, only to fall into a damaged bamboo pole that snapped under his weight. The boy was sent plummeting toward the large pool below and splashed down into it,

"Oh sirs, what a great tragedy, sir felt into the Shonmaonichuan, spring of drowned panda, very tragic story of panda..." The guide speech was cut out as the water where Ranma felt started to glow in a golden aura.

"What? Other customer felt into the Nyannichuan, but why is the spring glowing?"

"Gruff?" Asked a confused Panda who just moments ago was a bald martial artist

Then Ranma jumped out the spring and landed into the ground. Strangely, he still seemed to be a boy.

"Very strange, why didn't customer change into a girl?"

"I... I don't feel so well..." Ranma felt down fainting, his body painfully changing, becoming taller and muscular, with red hair.

The Panda took a sign out of nowhere that said "*What happened to my son?*" said the sign. While the change seemed to have made his son have a body a lot of warriors would envy, the fact that he had fainted and wasn't moving was bad.



"I.. I don't know... " The guide said shocked, he would have to consult his books and scrolls to see if there had been another case like this.

It turned out that while hot water changed Genma, Ranma wasn't waking up no matter what they did. Panicking for fear of having his future plans of Ranma running a Dojo and maintaining him ruined, Genma asked the guide if there was any place where they could get medical attention for Ranma.

Two days later...

Ranma woke up, he seemed to be in comfortable bed, placed inside some kind of hut or cabin, as the place was made of wood.

"Finally, now we can talk." said an old sounding and female voice, looking in front of him Ranma saw a very old woman that for him looked like some kind of ghoul or monster. However, considering that his whole body hurt, and he had no clue where he was, he decided to save the insults for later. He have himseft a quick look over and noticed he looked more muscular somewhat, and all the scars from years of training seemed to be gone. Also he was only wearing his shorts.

"Who are you?" Ranma asked, "Where I am? Why my body hurts so much?"

"My Name is Cologne, you are in Nyuchiehzu, the village of the strong warrior women, know as Joketsuzoku, but foreigners tend to call us Chinese amazons because we are a tribe of warrior women. And your body hurts so much because you had a strange reaction at being cursed."

"Cursed?" Ranma asked, surprised

"Yes, you felt into a cursed spring, but instead of turning into a girl like you where suposed to, you turned into a hunk."

"Uh?" Ranma didn't like the way the old woman was looking at him, then she trew cold water at him.

"What the hell was that for?" Ranma asked

"Just cheeking." She then proceeded to hit him with hot water, Ranma just looked at her in digust.

"Amazing, you aren't cursed at all. You see, normally when a person falls into one the cursed springs of jusenko, with cold water they turn into whatever creature drowned there, while hot water changes them back to normal. For example, your father got cursed to turn into a panda."

"I see, serves him right, where is he?"

"It turns out than after leaving you with a doctor, he ate food that was supposed to be the price for a winner of a martial artist tournament, said winner happens to be my granddaughter Shampoo. So we are forcing him to work to pay for the food he ate."

Cologne forgot to mention that had Genma been younger and handsome, she would have allowed those two to fight, so the kiss of marriage could be used. Also Genma already had a son, so that complicated things since it could mean that he was married and his wife was alive somewhere. Plus Genma have her a similar imprecision than that of a pervert she had know long ago, meaning he wasn't the kind of man she wanted Shampoo to marry.

"Sounds like him all right, so let me guess, there is no cure for the curses?" Ranma was hoping for that, it would be a fair payback for the stupid neko-ken, that so called ultimate technique just left Ranma wiith a great fear of cats.

"In theory, bathing into the spring of drowned man could cure your father, but the springs of the Jusenkyo valley seem to have a mind on their own, trying to find a cure always ends in disaster. That makes you very special, not only you didn't get cursed, you became... well..." Cologne had to try hard to focus on what he was saying.

"Yeah I get it." While Ranma was grateful that he wasn't cursed, if this old woman was reacting to him like that, he would have to run away of the place as soon as he could, or every woman in the village would be after him. Is not like he was ugly before, but now...

"Can I get a mirror to look myself?"

Cologne just took one hand mirror out of her robes and have it to him "Here you go."

Ranma looked his face, it still looked familiar, but with less baby fat, and looked more like a man than a boy also his hair was now red some some reason. He then stood up, his balance slightly thrown off since he was now taller. Since the sheets weren't covering him anymore, Cologne looked away. In an island far away, a strange woman had the urge to say "My son is so manly!" while she was doing grocery shopping.

"So my old man is cursed and can't be easily cursed, serves him right." Ranma said and have her the hand mirror back.

"You don't seem to like your father very much." While Cologne was grateful for that, respecting your elders was one of the rules of the village, good warrior or not, having someone with no respect would cause more problem than it was worth. Still... maybe she could travel to Japan looking for those legendary age changing mushrooms she once read about? No! What she was thinking! She was a respectable elder of... damn, if Ranma had that effect on her, then she was glad the young girls had yet to see him.

"Well, to be honest, my father did some stupid training to me when I was six, and I almost died. I may also have got hit in the head or something, because since then, I don't seem to care much about what he thinks. He talks about honor and that, but what he says and what he does are two different things."

"Do you feel strong enough to walk?" Cologne asked and Ranma stomach growled, but that made sense since the boy didn't eat for two days.

"Yes, I guess I could go and get..." Ranma started to walk to the door but was stoped by Cologne "Oh no, you stay here. I will tell my granddaughter to bring you lunch."

"Okay..." Ranma felt that voice in his head telling him to run away again, but there was also another voice, one that told him to stay.

'Yes that would work' Cologne was too old to claim him, but Ranma would make a good husband for her granddaughter. She had to focus to avoid felling envy of her, maybe that body swap scroll might work? She slapped herself in shame for what she just thought and left the room.

Now that he was alone, Ranma did a basic and slow kata to get the feel of his new body. He also felt something was off, but it was something besides being taller and more muscular.

'Okay, whatever you two voices are, wanna talk?' Ranma thought, not really expecting an answer.

"Finally! You have any idea how long I have been waiting for you to listen?" Said a voice that sounded like a little kid.

"You can keep complaining later, there are things we must fell him. I would have preferred it was after he had some fun, but whatever." Said another voice, this one sounded like a woman.

"Right, so Ranma, the thing is... remember how Cologne said the curse was supposed to turn you into a girl?" Said the boy voice

'Yes, what about what?'

"You are still cursed, we are just blocking the curse for now and changed it." Said the woman voice

'Ah great, changed it how?' Ranma might not care about what his father thought, but changing into a girl was gonna be annoying at least.

"Is now activated by the full moon instead of cold water. Unfortunately, that will make the change way more painful, but is better than a water trigger curse that could activate at any moment." Said the kid

"That's not all, you can also change at will if you focus on it." Said the woman

'And why would I want to do that?' Ranma regretted asking that as he suddenly had the mental image of being a naked, busty and tall redhead being surrounded by naked women in a changing room.

"Stop being a pervert!" Protested the kid while Ranma just blushed.

'Just who the hell are you two and why are you in my head?'

Before any of the two voices could answer, the door opened again...
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby frice2000 » Fri Oct 25, 2013 10:42 pm

"Ranma! Don't be such a little girl!

Going too far.

Because of that he didn't notice how Ranma eyes became golden for less than a second. It seemed that while the result of the training would be considered a complete failure, only leaving Ranma with a great fear of cats, the trauma of the neko-ken training had awoken something inside Ranma, but only time would tell what it was

You did this too fast. Ranma didn't act different after this? If you're just doing little snippets of canon then show more and show how they were different growing up too post this. Or if this is your sole one show more of this. You ran through it far too quickly.

Just a place with pools of water and bamboo sticks? I swam to China for this?

Those lines are cuttable. "This is it" gets all of that across.

"See? This place is a waste of time!" Ranma shouted, just then Genma resurfaced as a panda, while that surprised Ranma he had been trained to fight by instinct, so he ducked in the way without thinking, only to fall into a damaged bamboo pole that snapped under his weight. The boy was sent plummeting toward the large pool below and splashed down into it,

"Oh sirs, what a great tragedy, sir felt into the Shonmaonichuan, spring of drowned panda, very tragic story of panda..." The guide speech was cut out as the water where Ranma felt started to glow in a golden aura.

"What? Other customer felt into the Nyannichuan, but why is the spring glowing?"

"Gruff?" Asked a confused Panda who just moments ago was a bald martial artist

Then Ranma jumped out the spring and landed into the ground. Strangely, he still seemed to be a boy.

"Very strange, why didn't customer change into a girl?"

Slow down. You're running through this way too fast.

"I... I don't feel so well..." Ranma felt down fainting, his body painfully changing, becoming taller and muscular, with red hair.

Nowhere near enough description.

said an old sounding and female voice, looking in front of him Ranma saw a very old woman that for him looked like some kind of ghoul or monste

The fuck? They moved him miles and miles to go see Cologne? Wouldn't it be much less awkward if she came to them? Also seems like you're missing a ton of potential with Ranma discovering what I assume to be lycanthropy.

Also that isn't how lycanthropy works in Gold Digger. You can be bitten by a were and infected. But that makes you into a thrall of theirs. Otherwise you have to be born into it. Or I suppose one of Gothwrain's initial experiments. You REALLY need to explain more of the mechanics behind how this happens. Because it makes no sense and you've given no ground rules.

, you turned into a hunk."

A hunk? Huh? What?

"I see, serves him right, where is he?"

Taking this all in stride isn't he?

It turns out than after leaving you with a doctor, he ate food that was supposed to be the price for a winner of a martial artist tournament, said winner happens to be my granddaughter Shampoo. So we are forcing him to work to pay for the food he ate."

Can't really do that. You've kind of told a whole story that we aren't seeing. That happened while someone was carrying Ranma...

In an island far away, a strange woman had the urge to say "My son is so manly!" while she was doing grocery shopping.

You didn't earn that. Doesn't fit.

And that's kind of all I could get through. There are a ton of grammar and spelling errors which I would be happy to comment on if this was a Google Doc. But overall this isn't very good. You're rushing through a story and there's no structure. You need to spend more time setting things up.
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby Blackcat101 » Sat Oct 26, 2013 10:54 am

frice2000 wrote:The fuck? They moved him miles and miles to go see Cologne? Wouldn't it be much less awkward if she came to them? Also seems like you're missing a ton of potential with Ranma discovering what I assume to be lycanthropy.


Is never made it clear how far away the Amazons village is from Jusenko. Besides considering that's a valley of cursed springs, they would have to move him anyway. Also, he was unconscious for two days. Also is NOT lycanthropy.

frice2000 wrote:Also that isn't how lycanthropy works in Gold Digger.


Is not a real lycanthropy curse, they just modified the trigger of the Jusenko curse and what turns it off. After all, The moon gives Ranma more control than being randomly splashed by cool water. Ranma won't get any bost while being female, besides having stronger legs and a better sense of balance due to a lower center of gravity.

, you turned into a hunk."


hunk
noun

an attractive (especially muscular) male. (But I guess I could change the word)

frice2000 wrote:Taking this all in stride isn't he?


Ranma hates Genma because of the neko-ken

frice2000 wrote:Can't really do that. You've kind of told a whole story that we aren't seeing. That happened while someone was carrying Ranma...


Genma getting in trouble for stealing food was done a lot of times, do you really want me to write that scene?

frice2000 wrote:]You didn't earn that. Doesn't fit.


True, I will save the joke, as stupid as it is, for later.

frice2000 wrote:And that's kind of all I could get through. There are a ton of grammar and spelling errors which I would be happy to comment on if this was a Google Doc. But overall this isn't very good. You're rushing through a story and there's no structure. You need to spend more time setting things up.


Thats' why this is only the second beta and why the story is in Outlines and Scenes. Is a work in progress
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby frice2000 » Sat Oct 26, 2013 12:10 pm

Is never made it clear how far away the Amazons village is from Jusenko. Besides considering that's a valley of cursed springs, they would have to move him anyway. Also, he was unconscious for two days. Also is NOT lycanthropy.

So they carried him. Unconscious. And brought him to the Amazon village for...reasons? If you're going with the whole the guide has some sort of arrangement with the Amazon elders thing, and that the Amazons like to study the effects of the spring piece of fanon, then wouldn't they want to test the spring to see if something was acting up about it? Rather then just bringing the victim there? Also why would they have to move him?

Also the guide and Plum certainly seem to live in the Valley with no real ill effects. So no real need to move him because of proximity.

besides having stronger legs and a better sense of balance due to a lower center of gravity.

Really the one gender advantage for a martial artist on average is likely flexibility rather then either of those things.

an attractive (especially muscular) male. (But I guess I could change the word)

I know what it means. I just didn't think you meant to have it there and misspelled something else you intended. Since that really doesn't seem like something Cologne would say.

Ranma hates Genma because of the neko-ken

And yet he doesn't yell at him about that every day in canon. So...? You do realize that Genma DOESN'T want Ranma to die or get horribly injured right? As if he does all his plans fall apart. He's pretty shortsighted and Ranma has been through awful, awful training exercises but it takes a special kind of cherry picking to make him this ambivalent about his sons life. When pretty much the last 14 years of Genma's life has been focused on his son. It isn't really in a loving sense no. But it focused on him.
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby Blackcat101 » Sat Oct 26, 2013 9:11 pm

frice2000 wrote:So they carried him. Unconscious. And brought him to the Amazon village for...reasons? If you're going with the whole the guide has some sort of arrangement with the Amazon elders thing, and that the Amazons like to study the effects of the spring piece of fanon, then wouldn't they want to test the spring to see if something was acting up about it? Rather then just bringing the victim there? Also why would they have to move him?


Actually they got him there to get medical help, since Ranma wasn't waking up no matter what they did. I need to make that more clear. Think about it, the other two places that are close are the Musk and the Phoenix Mountain.

frice2000 wrote:Also the guide and Plum certainly seem to live in the Valley with no real ill effects. So no real need to move him because of proximity.


While the guide seems to live there, we are not sure if Plum lives there or just visits. The Amazon village is not that far away, so if they where going there to get medical attention, better to take Ranma with him and than do the same journey two times. Is not like he had broken bones or something, so they could move him. Plus we don't know if the guide and or the amazons have a phone.

frice2000 wrote:Really the one gender advantage for a martial artist on average is likely flexibility rather then either of those things.


Considering Ranma uses a mostly aerial style, having a better sense of balance would help, but I am not a expert, so whatever.

frice2000 wrote:I know what it means. I just didn't think you meant to have it there and misspelled something else you intended. Since that really doesn't seem like something Cologne would say.


Another thing to fix it seems.

frice2000 wrote:And yet he doesn't yell at him about that every day in canon. So...? You do realize that Genma DOESN'T want Ranma to die or get horribly injured right? As if he does all his plans fall apart. He's pretty shortsighted and Ranma has been through awful, awful training exercises but it takes a special kind of cherry picking to make him this ambivalent about his sons life. When pretty much the last 14 years of Genma's life has been focused on his son. It isn't really in a loving sense no. But it focused on him.


I don't know how much clear I should make in the fanfic that the neko-ken training almost killed Ranma, Maybe write a few pages about it? In this fanfic, Ranma remembers EVERYTHING about the training, is left with a great fear of cats, and he doesn't go neko. That leaves Ranma traumatized somewhat, and his way of deal with that is ignoring his father when he doesn't care what he thinks, and basically hating him. And yes I know Genma didn't want to kill Ranma, but one of two things happened.

A) One of the cats had a disease and infected Ranma, so Ranma got ill and almost died. (Sadly, true in real life, we can get a lot of diseases by contact with wild animals, and is not like Genma bought those cats, right?)

B) Ranma body was too young for whatever change the trauma the neko-ken activated and that was what almost killed him.

Ah well, I should probably add a page or two more of the neko-ken training. And maybe add a page about how Ranma acted after the neko-ken. Maybe a nightmare?

I didn't want to write about the neko-ken training that much, since is done to death, but whatever, it will help to make things clearer. I should add a scene about Ranma being in the hospital, infected by whatever disease he caught because of those wild cats.
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby frice2000 » Sat Oct 26, 2013 10:38 pm

close are the Musk and the Phoenix Mountain.

Musk they believe are dead. And why would the Phoenix care about some sleeping guy?

Needing medical help though because Ranma won't wake up is pretty good. And could give your Genma a bit nicer bit where he's legitimately concerned.

Is not like he had broken bones or something, so they could move him. Plus we don't know if the guide and or the amazons have a phone.

Pick up ~160+ pounds of dead weight. Try bushwhacking through barely cleared and rough jungle and terrain. That's a MASSIVE undertaking for two men. One of which, the guide, isn't in the best of physical condition. Could Genma do it? Probably yeah. But it'd probably exhaust him. And it's a hell of a lot of effort for the Genma of your piece who doesn't seem to give a damn.

One of the cats had a disease and infected Ranma, so Ranma got ill and almost died.

If you go with that then that is something you should show. As it explains a much more ill at ease and angry Ranma. He might have been down for sometime in recovery and it might have taken him a long time to get better. Hell could even throw in his mother visiting when he was ill in the hospital and realize that she too isn't satisfied with him since he's so weak as to end up in the hospital.

change the trauma the neko-ken activated and that was what almost killed him.

Chi/Ki/Qi/however you want to spell it exists. The Neko-ken drives it's students slightly insane and instills a deep seated fear of cats. When they are around cats their mind breaks and they act like they think a cat would act. There isn't really anything inherently mystical there. Other then the Chi bits...but since that exists in the Ranma-verse and can be practiced without knowing the Neko-ken this likely means that it's purely a psychological torture and instability technique. Rather then anything else.

I'm quite curious, why is it that so many people find the Neko-ken so fascinating and such a point to write fanfiction around. Always has seemed pretty odd to me.

I didn't want to write about the neko-ken training that much, since is done to death

If that's your big divergence point then it is rather requisite that you do so.
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby Blackcat101 » Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:26 pm

Is Ranma who doesn't give a damn, not Genma, And even in stories where Genma only cares about himself, a dead or sick Ranma would ruin his plans. Plus as I said the amazon village is not that far away, for all we know Genma and Ranma arrived there the same day they where cursed, and there was still daylight. After all the Jusenko guide took them there, so it can't be that far away.

By the time of the neko-ken training Genma had already taken Ranma away.[/b] I am going by him being sick for about a month, then once Ranma recovered Genma broke him away of the hospital to avoid paying the bills.

The neko-ken FAILED, what happened was that the TRAUMA activated something ELSE inside Ranma, like a mutant gene or something magical.

[quote="frice2000"]I'm quite curious, why is it that so many people find the Neko-ken so fascinating and such a point to write fanfiction around. Always has seemed pretty odd to me.[quote]

Maybe because the neko-ken is Ranma super mode, and he has never lost a fight while in neko mode.
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby frice2000 » Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:17 pm

Ranma who doesn't give a damn, not Genma,

If that's the case wouldn't it be wise to show that this Genma wants his son to like him a bit more? Tries a bit differently or is a bit more depressed that his son won't give him the time of day at all?

for all we know Genma and Ranma arrived there the same day they where cursed,

Considering that Ranma chased Genma around for some time after initially getting cursed, knocked Ryoga in the spring, and then ate dinner with the guide afterwards pretty sure that's a no.

Ranma recovered Genma broke him away of the hospital to avoid paying the bills.

Overdone imo, but it's not exactly against character.

like a mutant gene or something magical.

Elaborate. This IS your divergence point. You kind of should know the why of things shouldn't you to write this?

Maybe because the neko-ken is Ranma super mode,

Super mode that's easily distracted by a fish, friendly demeanor, or catnip. Not so super super mode.
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby Blackcat101 » Sun Oct 27, 2013 9:59 pm

Ranma sometimes fakes interest because that way Genma is less annoying. But lets say that after having to SWIM TO CHINA he stooped faking it.

frice2000 wrote:Considering that Ranma chased Genma around for some time after initially getting cursed, knocked Ryoga in the spring, and then ate dinner with the guide afterwards pretty sure that's a no.


Is still close enough for the guide to take them there.

frice2000 wrote:Overdone imo, but it's not exactly against character.


Considering that Genma was a thief, very true.

frice2000 wrote:Elaborate. This IS your divergence point. You kind of should know the why of things shouldn't you to write this?.


I don't want to do that many spoilers, what happened to Ranma and the why will be reveled later.

frice2000 wrote:Super mode that's easily distracted by a fish, friendly demeanor, or catnip. Not so super super mode.


That's part of the charm, plus a lot of people likes cats.
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Re: Blood in the water: Outlines and Scenes

Postby frice2000 » Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:13 am

SWIM TO CHINA

And what makes you think Ranma really minded that? It was a good training exercise.

what happened to Ranma and the why will be reveled later.

Then do a better job of showing that this is a point you'll be revealing more about later in the narrative. Starting it there and then jumping forward with ZERO mention in the later material of what just happened does not show that that is going to be a major point.
This:
neko-ken training had awoken something inside Ranma, but only time would tell what it was.

Is not doing that.
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