Bigger scenes, for bigger appetites!

For submitting and talking about story ideas, individual scenes that need doctoring, outlines, or other detail work that isn't quite ready for the C&C thread.

Idea submissions must be at least five paragraphs long, and include plot points, summaries of which characters are involved, and, for fanfiction, how it differs from canon. Both original and fanfiction ideas welcome. Though original works should have more development. Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Re: Bigger scenes, for bigger appetites!

Postby Ryu Gabriev » Sun Oct 27, 2013 1:52 am

Took another look at Chp.1 and just KNEW what I could do to make it better for people to see so that they could consider viewing the other chapters afterward. Here's the arrival scene just after the familiar summoning ritual.
'Speech': Thoughts
"Speech":language not understood by everyone present

The dust cloud churned up from the summoning was unusually large by Professor Colbert's reckoning. Then again, this was Miss Valliere. Thankfully, this was a holy spell, and as such something anyone with power could do, in theory. The balding magic user patted down his dark blue robe to clear some of the dust being kicked up.

A voice suddenly arose from the fading cloud of debris. “Commander, this is Gabriev. Did you guys use another goofy science experiment on me?

The dust cleared and a startled gasp rose from the student body. Even the middle-aged inventor had never had he seen anything like this. Shining black greaves ending in large yellow spikes shaped like drill bits. Pale grey armor at the thighs and upper arms. Strange black protrusions from its back that reminded him oddly of wings. A lion's head made of metal acting as the chest-piece. A black head with an emerald studded gold crest... which the body was attempting to remove?

But as odd as it seemed, the creature did indeed want to remove its own head as it began pressing the sides while tugging upward every so often. Then came the same deep, metallic voice that had been heard before ."...Dammit, where are those latch plates? I swear Doc’s moving them around this helmet just to frak with me..."

At that point the armored being touched two spots on either side of its head and a plume of steam began to spray from the odd red vents on either side of the faceplate. The helmet slid off easily now allowing everyone to see the face of the... human being?!

'Of course! A suit of armor. Quite impressive.' Satisfied with that little mystery solved, the teacher turned to the youngest Valliere. "An excellent familiar, Miss Valliere! You must have quite a bit of power inside to bring forth a giant, of all things."

The ‘giant’ shook his head suddenly causing the short black ponytail in the back on his head to whip about, before turning to look at the assembled crowd with a set of bright hazel eyes. “Alright, who are you all and where the hell am I? I was supposed to be half-way to Washington by now to give a lecture about Krix’ar Tactics and instead I’m brought here by… well, whatever that thing was that scooped me up in midair.

The stranger tucked his helmet within the crux of his right arm while many of the students began speculating as to how such a tall person could be brought by the summoning spell. As that continued on, and the young Miss Valliere just stared at whom she had summoned, the armored unknown began whispering to himself. “System: Access Linguistic Database. Attempt to confirm match with spoken language around me.

Within his mind, a chime sounded, and seconds later spoke a reply. ‘Unable to confirm sufficient match within database using linguistic sample. Continuing translation attempt.

A sour look fell on the stranger’s face. “Terrific. Stranded who knows where and the locals aren’t talking…

At that point Professor Colbert coughed into his hand to help grab the students’ attention. “Alright now, class! While it is fascinating to consider how such a familiar came into our midst, there is still one bit of business left before this day is finished. Miss Valliere, would you please continue with your part of the ceremony?”

The clamor started up again at that declaration as the pinkette flushed suddenly. Slowly, she straightened herself and moved toward the armored stranger. The young man looked down at her noting the height difference. When standing straight up like he was the short girl was now about eye level with his torso. She wore a black mantle over a white blouse with a grey, pleated skirt, just like all the other young people that had been assembled, though that redhead with the nice bronze skin was using her blouse to show her impressive cleavage to the world. “What’s up, little lady?

The mage-in-training grimaced at something only she knew of before speaking again. “You should consider yourself lucky. Normally, a commoner would go his whole life without a noble doing this for him.”

The commoner in question blinked in confusion. “You are aware of the fact we can’t understand each other, right?

The young girl’s face started to redden in anger while she pointed to the ground below. “Just kneel down!”

The stranger smirked lightly before shaking his head. “I hate to break this to you, Little Miss, but I can’t bend as well as I’d need to to get eye-to-eye with ya…

He trailed off as an idea came to him, seconds before he took the crested helmet that had been tucked under one arm and laid it down in front of him rightside-up, before moving to a kneeling position himself. “There! Still not sure what you want to do, but you might be able to reach me now.

A few stray giggles escaped from the crowd as the pinkette climbed upon the impromptu stepping stool, swaying slightly as she tried to get her footing. For an instant, it seemed that she’d be able to stabilize herself without help, only to lean suddenly to the side as her arms started windmilling wildly.

A large metallic arm thrust out to grab Louise and steady her before she had a chance to fall. Her eyes moved up the length of the limb to the smiling eyes and face of the one she had summoned. “Steady now. I’d ask why you’d need me so close, but I’m guessing all I’m saying is gobbledygook to you.

Louise closed her eyes with a sigh before beginning to wave around the small wand in her hand. "My name is Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière. Pentagon of the Five Elemental Powers; bless this humble being and make him my familiar."

What the hell?” was the only thing the stranger could say before the small girl reached out and tapped the crown of his head with her wand. Mere seconds later she lurched forward and planted a kiss on his lips. The oddness of the act was enough to get the armored warrior to his feet in surprise, which in turn caused Louise to stumble and faceplant herself in the dirt.

The students all around burst into laughter, while the young man blinked in confusion. “Uhh… sorry ‘bout that. It’s not that I’m not flattered and all, I just never-

He suddenly trailed off as a sudden pressure filled his head and a sudden pain flared on his left hand, causing him to thrash about and groan in pain. Louise managed to clear enough dirt and debris from her face before speaking again. “It’s just the runes inscribing themselves, so stop wailing like a child already.”

But his tantruming didn’t subside, rather it increased until the armored stranger suddenly jerked himself into standing as tall as he could with a wide-eyed expression that he held for several moments. Afterwards, whatever current that caused him to stand erect as a tent pole left him, letting his body go limp and crash to the ground upon his back in a dead faint.
What do you think?
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Re: Bigger scenes, for bigger appetites!

Postby Ryu Gabriev » Mon Oct 28, 2013 10:38 am

Oh come on!! You people talked before and gave essential opinions that i used to better my tale, but now that armor is in the mix you can't say anything?!
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Re: Bigger scenes, for bigger appetites!

Postby Ryu Gabriev » Wed Nov 13, 2013 3:02 am

Maybe if I keep posting the rest of it ONE OF YOU might comment.
Elsewhere, on an island that floated in the sky as a ship would in the sea, another sort of contract was being finalized. One that would spell doom for the the royalty of this land. One with a familiar armored helm to a certain person in Tristain.

"So basically my... employer wants to see what you can do with the right assistance. If the Reconquista can prove themselves competent with my help, my lord promises much more in return in the campaigns to come.” The unknown person smirked inside his helmet, looking himself over. The sleek red and black plates of his GaoFar Armor caught the morning sun just right to give off an intimidating glare. If he’d had the room in the building used for the negotiations, the armored fighter would’ve come wearing the complete suit for an extra flair. As it was though, the demonstration would have to wait until he got onto the battlefield. ‘Dunno why Joey wants me to be all nice for these idiots, but if that’s what he wants, that’s what he gets. I owe him that much at the very least.’

On a whim he began a systems check of his inner suit. He clenched and unclenched his fists reflexively, the gauntlets responding to the pressure by activating and deactivating straight claws made of beams of crimson light. Moments later, sections of the suit began to shimmer in and out of sight, continuing until every section had managed to vanish and reappear once. Finally, the jewel embedded in the center of the breastplate glowed, then flashed brightly behind it’s translucent red paneling. As the two Reconquista agents stared in shock over what they had seen, the man within the powered armor let his thoughts drift to where he had once been before arriving on this world. Bionet. The experiments. The battles. And the two rays of sunshine in that life that he had left behind.

‘Pity they aren’t here. They'd've liked the fun I’m about to have.’ He looked out the window to the exercise yard where his robotic ally, Black Marg, was enjoying himself beating the tar out of anyone he could get his mitts on. And where Marg was, the Obsidion Hammer was always close by. He didn't have access to a repair bay over here, but the regen system should be able to handle the day-to-day stuff well enough.

‘I still miss the old team and Renee especially. But a fair consolation prize will be when everyone around here starts callin’ me king. King Revan Greywords... how swee~et it is.’


A few hours later found the displaced dude from another dimension waking up with a rather splitting headache. “AaaAAaaaagH.. my head! What the ever-loving sonofabitch was that?!”

The dude from another dimension held his aching head in his hands as he struggled to contain what he was seeing with his Mind’s eye. Two sets of memories now were struggling within for their place in his brain. One was his life as he remembered it before the invasion began, only instead of the fateful meteor shower in Nevada and the First Contact happening with the Bugs… they didn’t. He had instead had been stolen from his world by that odd green portal yanking him out of his computer chair at home. His life was the simple and carefree boring existence it had always been, er- used to be. No, it was-

His temples throbbed suddenly before he managed to focus on the other set of memories. On this side was the war’s beginning and the adventure he had had up to that point. Participating in the first experiment to reach whoever had sent the G-crystal to the USA in the first place. Suffering the unintended consequences, then going on to grow from the experience. Meeting everyone in G-command, including Professor Kisaragi, his daughter Honey, and Ol’ ‘Doc’ Hayami to name a few. At the thought of the curvaceous assistant professor, the G-cyborg’s heart skipped a beat. Granted, he never got anywhere with her, even as a warrior for Earth’s Defense, females were still an enigma to him. But still, thoughts and imagination…

And of course, the Enemy couldn’t exactly be held out of this little remembrance session, could they? The giant sentient insectoids known as the Krix’ar, a technologically superior enemy that also possessed the ability to psychically mimic whatever was thought of them. Which was why they as a race had set out on this galactic campaign of conquest: the theory that if enough species in the known galaxy saw them as gods… could they not then become so? After all, a few dozen people thinking one of the invaders were invincible made them impervious to damage, which was why the G-crystal and the tech built around it was so invaluable to Earth’s defense. The only way the Bugs could be beaten was to first believe they could be beaten, and only the power of Courage could make that happen. Wait, it wasn’t like that… Yes itwasnowaititmight-

At that point the memories from both sides began crowding against each other making the stranger’s migraine worse. “GAaaaHH-aaahh!! Ok, maybe trying to figure out which is the right history isn’t a good idea right now.”

Blinking back the few tears his pain brought him, the stranger gave his current surroundings a look-over. It seemed to be a fair-sized rectangular bedroom, much like a small apartment minus the kitchen or bathroom facilities that such a modern housing might have. Just to his right was an elaborate four-poster bed, opposite that on the far wall was an antique wardrobe with a small vanity to the right of that. Farthest away from his vision was a single window, and through the clear glass was the darkness of nighttime.

A sound from behind drew his attention to the wall opposite the window, where an open wooden door and the young pink haired girl from before stood meeting his eyes with her own. “It’s about time you woke up. You’ve been sleeping all afternoon.”

The stranger smirked. “You try waking up fast after getting kissed like that. Feels like you’ve cracked my head in two after that little stunt.”

The mage-in-training flushed scarlet as the barb hit home. ”Y-y-you d-d-d-d-dare?!

Louise stomped past a table and chair that sat in front the door, past the dude from another dimension before plopping herself onto the bed in a sitting position. “As your master, I-I command you to never to speak of such things ever again!”

The G-cyborg raised an eyebrow at that, before frowning. “I am no one’s slave, kid. I will speak how I please, as I please.”

With that, he picked himself up from where he had been sleeping before and walked over to the table and plucked the chair from its resting place before leaning it against the wall and taking a seat. “Looks like whatever you did to me earlier made it so that we can now understand each other. But what could possibly have happened?”

“Does it matter? Familiars always gain special abilities once summoned, nothing unusual about that.”

The dude from another dimension began looking himself over before noticing something on the back of his left hand. It seemed familiar to him, but at the moment he didn’t dare try to think back to figure it out just in case his head really could split open from too many memories. “Looks like runic script. Almost like what Nordic Vikings might use.”

Louise shook her head as if he was asking silly things like 'Why is the Sky blue?' "Runes are runes. All they are is the proof of the contract...” She trailed off as she began studying her own new item, a small device attached to her wrist that had been displaying strange characters and numbers ever since it appeared on her arm at the very moment the runes on her familiar's hand had completed their formation. Turning back towards her familiar, she took in his appearance, odd as it was.

He was a little thick in the torso, but no more so than any commoner with a decent cook in the family. He had on an unbuttoned maroon dress shirt over something he had called a "tee shirt" of a similar color. His dark blue pantaloons were rather baggy on his legs and according to him were called ‘jeans’. His feet were shod in black boots that supposedly had metal sewn into the toe to provide extra protection. But why would he need things like those when he had that enormous armor suit to wear?

“So what should I call you? Even commoners have names.”

The human familiar turned her way before speaking. “I do have one, but it doesn’t really feel like it’s mine. But the only name I can come up with is Ryu Gabriev, from Dallas, Texas in the good ol’ USA.”

“What sort of person uses such an odd name as that?” He grinned toothily at her, making the pinkette sigh before continuing. “My name is Louise de La Valliere, a mage training here at this Academy of Magic. You are my familiar, which is why you have those runes on your hand.”

A few more minutes passed before Louise spoke up again. “Stop looking at your runes and come over here. Since it's obvious you're a commoner, without that armor on, you need some chores to do to keep busy..."

“Which reminds me, where is my armor?” Ryu turned his head and stared at her intensely for several moments before turning back to his observing of the runes. “I’m still trying to figure out how you managed to pull it off of me without me waking up, migrane or no.”

Louise pointed to the device on her wrist. “It was this thing. The moment you collapsed this formed around my wrist and turned your armor into motes of light that flew inside it. Then it rattled off something about ‘restraints active’ before going silent.”

“I want my tech back please, that armor is not a toy and quite capable of doing real damage in the wrong hands.”

The pinkette looked back at him and a twitch started to form on the young Valliere's face. "And I said, come here. You have chores to do. You can start with my laundry an-"


She began to shake as her volume and temper increased. "What do you mean, denied?!"

"I mean denied, as in rejected, refused, unaccepted, not happening, NO."

Flushed cheeks turned angry red as the mage-in-training hopped off the bed and began stomping towards him. "No? NO?! How dare you deny your master anything!"

He smiled a big eyes-shut smile in her direction. "You call this daring? You should see what I can do after hours when all the little children are asleep." He stopped and blinked as if realizing something profound. "Oh wait, you ARE a little child, so you'd be out cold when Daring Me comes out to play."

Louise's head was down towards the floor, her entire body trembling with her growing rage. "Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you... You d-d-dog...! You stupid dog!" came the scream from her lips and just as fast came the fist towards the back of his head.

The only difference from that of canon events from certain anime and light novels of a similar situation was that instead of a meaty thwack, there was instead a dull clang and the attacker was the one hurt out of the exchange.

“Oro?” The G-cyborg turned his head to see Louise cradling her hand protectively. “Was that your attempt at punishing me?”

“Yes it was, and it felt like hitting a statue!” The pinkette’s blinked twice as something else caught up to her senses. ”And what in Founder’s name does ‘ro-ro’ mean?!”

The Texan rolled his eyes. “Oro, Louise. O-ro. I somehow started saying that after the whole mess with the Bugs got started. Doc thinks it might have to do with all the anime I watched before the accident.”

The urge to flee started to rear up in the young mage's mind as Ryu jumped up out of the chair and began walking towards her, cracking his knuckles with an intently cross scowl on his face. "Anyway, I think I need to nip this thought of getting me to obey through force in the bud. The good news, Louise, is that what I'm about to do won't cause permanent damage. The bad news is, you will have trouble sitting for a while."

As Louise bumped into the far wall trying to get away, she raised up her hands and voice in fear. But just as it looked like the pinkette would receive something she had needed for quite some time..

Engaging Emergency Stop of non-vital muscular assistance systems. Voice Recognition Access granted for Controller use.

...The young otaku's limbs suddenly became amazingly heavy before he pitched over collapsing on the floor, unable to right himself. "Wha- wha- WHAT THE HELL?!"

And to make a bad situation worse, the pinkette actually managed to realize what had happened after looking at the device and seeing the words 'Emergency Stop' along with a timer counting down seconds to zero.
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