Opening scene for a new story

For submitting and talking about story ideas, individual scenes that need doctoring, outlines, or other detail work that isn't quite ready for the C&C thread.

Idea submissions must be at least five paragraphs long, and include plot points, summaries of which characters are involved, and, for fanfiction, how it differs from canon. Both original and fanfiction ideas welcome. Though original works should have more development. Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Opening scene for a new story

Postby Sir Rowell » Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:56 pm

Darkness… Pure and unfiltered darkness is what a pair of young eyes opened himself to. Of course the young figure in the dark would rather have it no other way as he got from his bedding and stretched. Good morning to all you sexy people out there in this pathetic universe, the young figure sarcastically though as he made a clap to turn on the room’s lights. The room was small but comfortable as it appeared to have a full sized bed, a wall monitor and dresser; the standard single person room for a space cruiser. The figure then moved to the window and what he saw made him smirk as he sees a large planet making its way. The cruiser was obviously getting ready to land soon and it would take quite a time to land. With a smile, the young figure decided to head for the quarter’s washroom to freshening up and get dressed.

As he entered the washroom to check himself out on the mirror. His reflection showed a young man in his mid-teens with a deep caramel complexion and long braided hair. With a yawn, the young man proceeded to freshening himself up. Two hours later, the young man was fully dressed and his belongings were all packed and ready as the cruiser was now entered the planet’s atmosphere. A few minutes prior, the young man observed the weather forecast of the city in which the cruiser was landing on and he frowned with displeasure as a result. It was at the start of winter and snow storms were running wild. Luckily for the young man, the cruiser in which he was boarded on had set up its force field system to block out the heavy winds and snow in order to make a perfect landing.

The cruiser was headed for the city of Nova Alexia, a prosperous metropolis know around the region for its valuable commerce and technological innovations. In spite of the cold, snowy visual the young man was at aw of the big city. Before long the cruiser finally reached its goal and touchdown on the semi-icy plain.
Sir Rowell
User avatar
Initiate
Posts: 2
 

Re: Opening scene for a new story

Postby Spica75 » Sat Jan 06, 2018 2:01 am

Ok, first thing: fanfic or not? If fanfic, what is it based on? Always include basic information.

2nd, decent enough writing, but a number of mostly small mistakes:

young eyes opened himself to.


-young eyes opened up to.-

no other way as he got from his bedding and


-no other way as he got up from his bedding and-

figure sarcastically though as he


-figure sarcastically thought as he-

as he made a clap to turn on the room’s


-as he clapped to turn on the room’s-

as he sees a large planet making its way.


This one's a bit more iffy, but the end is the part that needs correcting. "making its way." looks bad. "making its way toward him." would be the most cutdown way of fixing it, but there's several other ways of writing it that might be better.

getting ready to land soon and it would take quite a time to land.


-getting ready to land soon and it would take quite some time to do so.-

washroom to freshening up and get dressed.


-washroom to freshen up and get dressed.-
-washroom for freshening up and getting dressed.-

As he entered the washroom to check himself out on the mirror.


-As he entered the washroom to check himself out in the mirror.- If you want to keep the sentence like that, you need to make the sentence after it part of this instead(changing the full stop to a comma), as it simply does not work on its own, it's an incomplete sentence.

If you want to keep the sentences apart, the above one needs a greater change, something like this:
-As he entered the washroom he checked himself out in the mirror.-

the young man proceeded to freshening himself up.


-the young man proceeded to freshen himself up.-
This one is not an absolute must change, but I would recommend it.

as the cruiser was now entered the planet’s atmosphere.


-as the cruiser was now entering the planet’s atmosphere.-
or
-as the cruiser had now entered the planet’s atmosphere.-

the start of winter and snow storms were running


-the start of winter and snowstorms were running- Snowstorm is ONE word. Stupid "autocorrect" features spreading the horror of incorrectly cutting words up all over the world...

a prosperous metropolis know around the region


-a prosperous metropolis known around the region-

the young man was at aw of the big


-the young man was at awe of the big-

reached its goal and touchdown on the


-reached its goal and touched down on the-
or
-reached its goal and made its touchdown on the-



3rd, remember that while building up to something can be a good way of writing, don't overdo it and try to be too roundabout or too secretive, or you risk ending up with something dull(your text isn't dull, but if it keeps going the same way for a lot longer it MIGHT be, readers need to start finding out what they're "looking at", who and why and where this place is etc).
Spica75
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1944
 

Re: Opening scene for a new story

Postby Sir Rowell » Sun Jan 07, 2018 1:09 am

Thanks for the critique.

I'm trying to get into the Rythmn of writing again and I definitely need to fix my grammar.

I'm still in the planning stages of my story. Yes it's an original "anime-style" story. It's a remake of a much older series I made a decade ago in Fiction press. I was pretty horrible then.
Sir Rowell
User avatar
Initiate
Posts: 2
 


Return to Ideas, Outlines and Scenes

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users