Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Wed Jan 17, 2018 4:31 am

Ch. 9
"Yeah myself or my kids won't ever do that Ranma evenly said,

Missing the closing "

No more typos detected.
Overall, this chapter feels... different? I read the old version so long ago that I forgot the details, but I get a vague impression that these chapters are better than before, more streamlined, compact, with unnecessary fluff squeezed out.
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Wed Jan 17, 2018 12:03 pm

Ch.10
Usagi asked Rei in a calm voice

Extra spaces. I wonder *how* because html usually converts any number of spaces into one.

and its surfaced smoothed over

surfacE

Bulges that were long and award enough to be more than pistols.

AwKWard?

"The gun's really that much of a pig?" AKane asked.

double capitals

P.S. I once saw a man in the subway carrying some long weapon - maybe, a sawed-off shotgun? - tucked under his belt at the center of his back. It worked surprisingly well with him dressed in jeans and a spacy shirt (tucked into his belt!) and I would never even guess... until it started slipping and poking at the seat of his pants from inside. Boy was he squirming. :lol: That woulda been one hell of a fart, I thought :lol:
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Fri Jan 19, 2018 4:02 pm

Ch.11
Before the redhead's blood and flesh had a chance to spatter onto the sidewalk,
The path of destruction then hit the blonde succubus.

A hole between sentences

Usagi hoped that the tickling in her nose was not what she feared it to be.

:D

"Right now you haven't done anything stupid.

Missing the closing "

Aurora promised to
bring Mother with her.

Unnecessary line split

I have had to take care of Ukyou

This is the "finished action that has an influence on the present" aspect of the Simple Present, right?
One of the harder to grasp aspects of English that have no direct match in my language, with it only having 5 tenses [grumble].
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Fri Jan 19, 2018 6:50 pm

Thanks for the corrections.
Glad you found the chapters amusing and that they're of better quality.
Apologies for the brief reply.
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:08 am

Ch.12
With ;ong metallic blue hair,

An ytpo

Ch.13
raced down
the 401.

Unnecessary line split

"Stupid lung," she complained as she wiped her chin. "Grow back already."

:D

Overall... Well, the novelty of reading for the first time was gone (sniff, sniff).
But I got impression of it being more compact and to the point.
I think we all know the cost of such seemingly simple "just works".

But the story was great before -- no wonder it got me hooked -- it just became easier to read.

Now, I can only wish you luck with the later parts that really suffered from feature creep and character roster bloat. I hope you find some non-trivial way of pruning it without cutting it. Because cutting something out is... argh. It's painful. I'm patently bad at it. It is so much easier to contain your story at the writing stage...
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Wed Jan 24, 2018 5:43 pm

Given I won't be reducing the number of characters or the plotlines in the later books of the Return and think the characters are a key part of the story, as Blood Debts ably shows, that is for the best.
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:36 pm

There are lots of techniques, I think, that can help. Take, for example, shuffling the load around. When translating I often encounter situations whenit is impossible to convey all required nuances in the same paragraph of the character's speech - say, the target language just doesn't work that way. I then simply shift some of these nuances to his adjacent phrases, thus keeping the overall tone and impression.

You may try finding such bottlenecks in your plot and shift charaters' in-detail introductions around (kind of like forward declarations in programming languages) -- you first show the characters briefly through someone not pointing attention to them, or use "tell, not show", then introduce that person later when you have room.

OR, do the contrary and bloat it even more -- with plot, so that these characters get room to be introduced properly. Use filer side stories and such :roll:

How many OCs you have and how many chapters? Considering that introducing 2 OCs per chapter is already pushing it?
Also, we readers need breathing room to get used to new characters after they are introduced, without more being added immediately.

I am now trying a new technique I invented (like a new bicycle, heh): Double Impact. I first describe that character's appearance in broad strokes, then add some confrontation involving them -- action! -- then comes the second round of more detailed description in more calm situation through the eyes of other characters and their opinions.
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:43 pm

Filler and bloat? And you think that many characters introduced?
Well.

Instead of saying something I'll regret...
I'll end with this: if don't like the rest of the Return... you don't have to read it and you don't have to comment.
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Thu Jan 25, 2018 1:39 am

if don't like the rest of the Return

Oh no, I like it greatly! But I distinctly remember reading it was like trying to bite from a giant apple.

So I think it unbalanced. I try bouncing ideas around in a faint hope that maybe you find some of them useful.
I meant filer where you do *not* introduce new characters but give the existing ones plot room to shine :D

The stories I do not like only receive one "The Reason You Suck" review from me, and only if they were showing some promise :lol:
(like that other big Shantae fic in Russian -- there are only two in existence)

It's the authors of things that I like but think have flaws who have to beat my annoying, preaching self off with a stick. :roll:
Like that guy who made Autumn Night 3D Shooter. In the end he just locked the forum thread -- I wonder why :(
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Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Thu Jan 25, 2018 7:26 am

This is getting off-topic.
Stop.

That you've established an unruly behavior in other forums is not helping you here.
Discontinue.
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