Annuled Destiny II: Wild Wasteland

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Annuled Destiny II: Wild Wasteland

Postby Cheb » Tue Oct 27, 2015 6:21 pm

The previous chapter underwent some serious pruning of cases of Idiot Ball. Ugh. I hate these.
http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... _01e.shtml

The new chapter:
http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... _02e.shtml

Notes:
1. Ch. 3 is barely 30% written (vs 80% of Ch.4). So by reading this, you agree to suffer :twisted:
2. The first *five* chapters are one big introduction, chopped up because I am *slow* :oops:
3. There should be peculiarities in Ranma's and Akane's English that I am simply unable to convey :x
Akane: a limited vocabulary, a painfully "proper" textbook grammar.
Ranma: a vocabulary extended with many "streetwise" words, a butchered grammar.

I would also appreciate C&C on my interpretation of Sulik-speech.
Last edited by Cheb on Thu Feb 23, 2017 9:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Annuled Destiny II: Wild Wasteland, Ch.02

Postby LawOhki » Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:47 am

Chapter 1 still has incredibly stilted and out of character dialogue from all involved. Ranma also seems to be very focused on the whole not man thing when really should be just happy that she's alive.

Not time at the moment to comment on the second chapter.
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Re: Annuled Destiny II: Wild Wasteland, Ch.02

Postby Cheb » Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:15 am

incredibly stilted and out of character dialogue from all involved.

Ugh.
I did not want the first chapter to turn into a wall of dialogue text three times longer than it is.
May be I rushed this part a bit.

But! There are good excuses:
1. They are not pure canon characters, there was a lot of development off-screen: a. Their universe's equivalent of Sailor Ranko. b. Ranma learning to fight as a part of the Senshi team (this one is discussed in detail in one f the earliest parts of the prequel). Including the harrowing confrontation against Sailor Galaxia. c. The events of the prequel and knowing that they are all relatively expendable clones.
2. They need to learn about the world before making any decisions. Until that, there is no time to relax as their situation could be considered critical. Potentially deadly hostile environment and all that.
3. They may have picked up some military manners from their joint operation with JSDF against Jadeite (who took the place of Nehelenia if their universe)
4. I am learning to emulate the Japanese manner of speech, which remains terse even after English dilutes it with tons of extra words necessary to support the grammar structure.

I do not want to overload the beginning by trying to explain all these facts. This is just not done. These details must pop up gradually, scattered across the plot in dialogs and campfire stories. If ever. Makes the world that much richer -- just like Narg's backstory.

when really should be just happy that she's alive.

Well, he *is* a clone of a happily living original, created without his consent or even knowledge.
Their home and relatives are forever lost for them.
Rather than be glad to be alive, they all keep living on only because it is against their nature to just lie down and die. Well, Usagi would have, if not for the others.
Will touch upon this in Ch. 3.

P.S. Replaced the remaining "Injun" with "Indian", will run the site updater tomorrow to publish the changes.
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Re: Annuled Destiny II: Wild Wasteland, Ch.02

Postby Cheb » Sun Nov 08, 2015 5:03 am

I am still finding more instances of Idiot Ball to crush. So vexing!
Looking backwards, I realize how rushed this chapter is. The road to Hell is surely paved with urges to rush your fic just to get to "good parts" faster.

“Let find our bearings,” Ranma urged.

to
“Let find our bearings,” Ranma urged. “We had to catch our breath and stuff, but this world is a total unknown. Do you remember that walk in the dark and the guy made of white woodlice?”
“Yes, I do” Akane replied with a shudder.
“White woodlice?” Ami asked, confused.
“Oh, right!” Ranma snapped her fingers. “You were cooped up with that old lady doing your research while me'n Akane went to get the token... Well, we met a monster that kills with a touch, and not in a nice way, from what I could figure out of Ahta's warnings. Split into a swarm of woodlice-like things upon his death, too. Each as deadly. Probably burrow into your flesh or stuff. Anyways, do you remember that world?”
“Ew,” Usagi commented.
“Yes... Yes, I do,” Ami replied, alarmed. “I'm scanning, but there is nothing of notice so far. What are you implying? That there could be things out there that could kill us before we can even detect them?”
“That too,” Ranma said. “Take robot snipers, for example. Or Khas-eeeschaeets. There are most likely no such things, but let's make this assumption: we are in an enemy's backyard and they simply haven't reacted yet because they are lazy.”
“Expect the worst?” Akane asked.
“Expect the worst we can handle,” Ranma corrected her. “Because if there's something we can't, it's better to go out with a bang rather than be captured... or suffer a fate worse than death. I'm not giving up, mind you, but we {i}are{/i} clones with barely a week difference from our originals back home. In light of a total unknown waiting for us, knowing that death isn't as end of everything as it used to be is... comforting.”
“Hey, that's my line,” Usagi complained. “I'm the gloomy Goth here.”
“I hope it doesn't come to that,” Ami said. “But I see your point. What do you suggest?”
“Whatever happens,” Ranma said, “We have to move quickly. When possible, use the folds of the land to hide from probable distant observers. Only stop moving in secluded locations between hills and such. And learn about the world, as fast and hard as we can.”
“Seems reasonable,” Akane agreed. “Keep alert, keep moving, know your adversary... Or if there is one.”
“Let's go, then!” Ranma ran to the north, towards nearest mountains.

+ the following dialogue changed to reflect them already running.

The others started running faster too.

to
The others started running faster too, eager to find what kinds of clues Ami could pull from the road.


“Robots, mourning their masters,” Ranma joked darkly. “But jokes aside, we got into a world where we'd be highly sought for! On the other hand, saying goodbye forever to normal panties, instant noodle packs and toilet paper... Aw, crap.”

to
“Robots, mourning their masters,” Ranma joked darkly. “But jokes aside, this world ain't that bad. First, we can relax now. There are no such nasty things as evil, continent-spanning empires, hordes of killer robots or all-devouring gray goo. Secondly, we will be highly sought for! It's like martial arts heaven! Well, except saying goodbye to normal panties, instant noodle packs and toilet paper... That part sucks.”


Also, weeding out more of the grating "readers ain't telepathic" type errors:

Added a subtle explanation in regards to the "clipped dialogues" (unsure if this is what you were talking about):
Translation was difficult, the English grammar structure is just not suitable for using single words as complete sentences, unlike both Russian and Japanese. No, I am sure that with great enough skill everything is possible. But my skill isn't great.

“Let's catch them?” Ranma proposed suddenly.
“Catch?” Akane lifted one brow. “Why? Quick.”
The sound was coming very close.
“Contact them,” Ranma corrected herself. “Surprise. Not their territory. We look harmless. A square is better than street to surround them in the fog.”

to
“Let's catch them?” Ranma proposed suddenly.
“Catch?” Akane lifted one brow. “Why? Talk fast.”
The sound was coming very close, there were mere seconds left to make a decision.
“Contact them,” Ranma corrected herself trying to cram as much words in as little time as possible. “Surprise. Not their territory. We look harmless. Square's good for surrounding in the fog.”
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Re: Annuled Destiny II: Wild Wasteland, Ch.02

Postby Cheb » Wed May 04, 2016 6:26 pm

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Re: Annuled Destiny II: Wild Wasteland, Ch.02

Postby Cheb » Fri Aug 05, 2016 1:01 am

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Re: Annuled Destiny II: Wild Wasteland

Postby Cheb » Thu Feb 23, 2017 9:37 am

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