Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

This is for posting Fiction and C&C replies ONLY. Note this does not have to be a "fukufic" or even fanfiction. All completed /ready-for0review longform creative writing allowed. No posting of individual scenes; that is what the Outlines and Scenes section is for.Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby Cheb » Mon Apr 28, 2014 2:56 pm

I'm greatly annoyed by my slowness :(

This chapter, as well as several following ones, will be withheld from official publishing until I am sure I can start releasing them one per week again.

The reason for this: from now on, several chapters in a row are designed to end in cliffhangers.

http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a34e.shtml

I thank everyone who commented using Orphus on Ch. 30..33, will apply this weekend.
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby Blackcat101 » Mon Apr 28, 2014 3:45 pm

You aren't that slow. My average is one chapter every two months.
Blackcat101
User avatar
Asteroid Senshi
Posts: 569
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby LawOhki » Mon Apr 28, 2014 5:39 pm

Why didn't he recognize the existence of such a glaring hole right away? Ranma knew the answer. Too used to perceiving the danger sense as something solid, indivisible. He just couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that parts of his danger sense could work or fail separately.

Should be female pronouns.

The little time skip is awkward. Seems out of place and like it would work better as a chapter without it. Unless you intend to have Ranma stuck in some loop where she endlessly sees her own deaths. Then you may want to show an outside perspective of wondering where Ranma is and that she's been gone an excessively long period of time.
LawOhki
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1591
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby Cheb » Tue Apr 29, 2014 4:18 am

The little time skip is awkward.

Uh, how do you show a dream without both Ranma and the reader realizing it's a dream?
I couldn't find a better way that just make it look as a small time skip at first.

Should be female pronouns.

Uh, she is so deep in thought that he forgets she is a girl, you see. :roll:
It's Ranma! Pronouns cry at the first sight of him! :mrgreen:
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby LawOhki » Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:00 am

Cheb wrote:Uh, how do you show a dream without both Ranma and the reader realizing it's a dream?
I couldn't find a better way that just make it look as a small time skip at first.

Depends on where you're going with it. Right now it could also be that the chapter is being purposely disjointed to show how Ranma got to that point, with Ranma getting diced being a hook to keep readers going.

If you want nobody to know then just having it go through normally would make readers thing Ranma just pulled an Akane and killed herself. So it requires the next chapter for it to become apparent that something else is going on.

Another way where the reader will eventually realize what's up is if you make the two dream instances happen differently but end up at the same point of Ranma touching the wall in different ways before being offed in different horrible fashions. (Might be neat for Akane to eventually find Ranma just staring at that one point and when broken out of it still thinks something is wrong, letting readers think it could be another dream)

Also, if their path will lead to their ends, doesn't the little computer thing show that there is no path? It's been awhile so I don't remember the specifics other than it didn't like when that was where they were going.
LawOhki
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1591
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby Cheb » Tue Apr 29, 2014 7:36 am

Depends on where you're going with it.

Uh, the next chapter begins with Ranma going "Oh Shit!" as she realizes her dream begins to play out in reality. Then they find that trap before anyone gets hurt, but Ahta is weirded out because there's absolutely no way prophetic dreams would work in Ahs.

Also, if their path will lead to their ends, doesn't the little computer thing show that there is no path?

Ah-hah, but it *didn't* count Akane's temporary death. The same this time. It doesn't care if Ranma arrives at the finish line as a pile of twitching parts in a bucket, that counts as 'alive' in its opinion.

Another way where the reader will eventually realize what's up is if you make the two dream instances happen differently but end up at the same point of Ranma touching the wall in different ways before being offed in different horrible fashions.

Argh. A nice idea, pity I have to scrape it due to size considerations :(
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby LawOhki » Tue Apr 29, 2014 3:38 pm

Cheb wrote:Uh, the next chapter begins with Ranma going "Oh Shit!" as she realizes her dream begins to play out in reality. Then they find that trap before anyone gets hurt, but Ahta is weirded out because there's absolutely no way prophetic dreams would work in Ahs.
Then you should make it more linear or imply harder that it's gone through more times since it's not that important for people to be fooled about Ranma dreaming except on the first go around. Or just make it so that it's a one time thing and Ranma 'woke' up from the vision.

Ah-hah, but it *didn't* count Akane's temporary death. The same this time. It doesn't care if Ranma arrives at the finish line as a pile of twitching parts in a bucket, that counts as 'alive' in its opinion.

Akane's choice to close the portal happened moments before she did it though, it wasn't a dead end path until she decided to push the button. IIRC they also didn't know about that until arriving on this recent planet. They should see one of the dead ends appearing like a tiny dead spot on their map, which should make avoiding traps somewhat easier.
LawOhki
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1591
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby Cheb » Wed Apr 30, 2014 1:48 am

Or just make it so that it's a one time thing and Ranma 'woke' up from the vision.

Uh, hello? "Ranma tried to scream but her lungs were somewhere on the floor, so her scream came out utterly sile— ear-splittingly loud. She sat up in a jerk surveying the inside of the rail car with eyes bleary from sleep. What are you yelling for?” Akane asked her angrily." ? Already there?

hey should see one of the dead ends appearing like a tiny dead spot on their map,

Ah-hah, but it doesn't work in a map mode at the time, it only displays one number: distance to the token in meters.
Don't forget: it has a 2-inch monochrome display that could only draw black lines, no shades of grey. And very limited programming capabilities. The screen resolution is practically infinite, but that is of little help.

Akane's choice to close the portal happened moments before she did it though, it wasn't a dead end path until she decided to push the button.

Eh, her being irritated or absent-minded, and being hasty, is exactly what was causing the non-closed loop in the mega-forest before Brya used that zombie-raising construct. All her world-lines going through the portal with its broken safety mechanisms, with her making the same mistake in one form or other in most of them. It was a form of pre-destination made out of her predictable reactions and a pre-existing hardware failure.
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby LawOhki » Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:00 am

Cheb wrote: Uh, hello? "Ranma tried to scream but her lungs were somewhere on the floor, so her scream came out utterly sile— ear-splittingly loud. She sat up in a jerk surveying the inside of the rail car with eyes bleary from sleep. What are you yelling for?” Akane asked her angrily." ? Already there?

Perhaps imply that the time frame is getting shorter and shorter like a count down. Have the chapter start with that, then end with them at a point sooner and Ranma screaming.

Eh, her being irritated or absent-minded, and being hasty, is exactly what was causing the non-closed loop in the mega-forest before Brya used that zombie-raising construct. All her world-lines going through the portal with its broken safety mechanisms, with her making the same mistake in one form or other in most of them. It was a form of pre-destination made out of her predictable reactions and a pre-existing hardware failure.

Well you could say that about all the choices they were making though. And when they were wandering through the wastes it wasn't their bad decisions but the simple act of taking a direction that was visibly as good as any other to create the non-closed loop.
LawOhki
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1591
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby Cheb » Thu May 01, 2014 8:39 am

I made a surgical correction adding one phrase that makes it flow more smoothly and also better explains Akane's reaction:

Ranma tried to scream but her lungs were somewhere on the floor, so her scream came out utterly sile-- ear-splittingly loud. She sat up in a jerk surveying the inside of the rail car with eyes bleary from sleep.

A dream? That was just a dream! A silly nightmare! Ranma laughed weakly with relief.

“What are you yelling for?” Akane asked her angrily.

Ahta just cleared his ringing ears.

“I, well, err...” Ranma mentally panicked trying to find an excuse, to avoid explaining her nightmare. After that... accident with Akane her nerves were frayed, while the desire to shield her wife from any trouble grew overwhelming, able to overcome any logic. “I, heh-heh, just a practical joke.”


And when they were wandering through the wastes it wasn't their bad decisions but the simple act of taking a direction

At the time their decision-making options set was shrunk to choosing a direction. That's why it was possible to make a radar that worked.

P.S. I just completed translating and correcting a key chapter 38. There are still lots of work before I get to it :( 35 unfinished, 36 non-existent and 37 is barely there
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby Cheb » Sun May 04, 2014 3:56 pm

Bo-ho-hoo. And no one commented on the shout-out for one of my favorite first person shooters. (hint)

I finished Ch. 35, will translate it in about a week.
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 

Re: Your Destiny is Annulled, Ch. 34

Postby Cheb » Sat May 24, 2014 3:29 am

Page URL: http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a34e.shtml
User comment: Hi, 'am back to nag you :). greetz ryuumon

Thank you for your continuing support :)


Page URL: http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a34e.shtml
User comment:
suggestion: She couldn't put a finger on it though. Was is
her still unfamiliar body? The thought of her reflexes
failing her was disconcerting.
Context:
Something was wrong. There was something wrong with her.
<!!!>With the body? The thought of the reflexes failing her
was disconcerting.<!!!> Ranma knew it close and personal
that there were worlds
Browser: Firefox/29.0

Uh, it's not unfamiliar. She spent lot of time training as Sol.
changed to:
She couldn't put a finger on it though. Was there some alien factor affecting her body? The thought of her reflexes failing her was disconcerting.


Page URL: http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a34e.shtml
User comment: like in
Context:
of green grass.Ranma twitched: her surroundings faded
<!!!>in like<!!!> an instant photo. Where have she been just
a moment ago?

Uh, "fading in" ? It's a "fade in" effect, not the surroundings that are faded.


User comment:
not wrong but would commonly be phrased as: "Don't stick
your hands where they don't belong"
Context:
resulted in a heavy slap upside her head from her
spouse.“<!!!>Don't stick your hands where you aren't asked
to<!!!>!” Akane hissed,

Thanks, I'll try to memorize this.


User comment:
a puppet master controls someone. A guard
checks/guards/patrols a fence. thus suggestion: "The fence
is not guared, you must understand!"
Context:
that, especially with night coming. But keep your guard.
<!!!>The fence is not controlled, as you understand.<!!!>

Likewise :)

Page URL: http://ranmafics.ru/fanfics/your_destin ... a34e.shtml
User comment:
"mined out" mit be better, but through and through is not
wrong at all. Feels like it was importet from a german
expression though.
Context:
But that's usually not true as many former oases are
<!!!>mined through and through<!!!> even

Ok, I'll leave "through and through" then, as a "translation quirk".


Thank you :) Will update on ffnet when I post Ch.36
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1549
 


Return to Stories and C&C

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users