Strained Harmony ch4

[Sunshine Temple]

Here's the next chapter of Strained Harmony.

Chapter 4 : Buttressing Support Part 2

Special thanks goes to my prereading team!

[LawOhki]

"You're right. I should have told you when I first arrived. Just like I told you about Hotaru and Haruka and Michiru oh and let's not forget Helios," Chibi-Usa counted off with her fingers.

"So what else are you keeping from us?" Usagi eyed her daughter.

"Lots!"

Do you realize how broken and horrible it is to have her have known about all that stuff and been acting the entire time? Not that your fic fits in the SM timeline anyways but seriously she becomes a complete monster if she knows too much.

Ranma and Hotaru are far too passive in the first scene. Hotaru has effectively no lines, not even a hello to one of her best friends.

The pink haired girl frowned but released her grip and submitted to having her footwear taken off. She looked up and saw Hotaru had snuck up and was now standing next to Ranma, holding her Nanny's hand. Their gazes locked, and for a split second Hotaru's eyes smoldered.

Chastised, Chibi-Usa lifted her purse which seemed to mollify the purple-eyed girl.

What? Why is she so pissed? She should be the one getting glomped by Usa. When did Usa even meet Ranma to the point where she's going to her over someone she had a big thing with like Hotaru? (I'm assuming that it was one of those times where something happened but it was never shown)

Usagi savored the second little cake. "Oh my, you're a great addition to the team."

Should really just say how she makes a good servant for them. Haven't done anything else and they keep referring to her as Hotaru's nanny. Ranma's not their friend and Usagi using Ranma for food/double date material to make her own dates easier is certainly not something she'd do if she cared about Ranma.

"Yes, it's a pure coincidence that Hotaru's nanny ended up with the curly version of the Princess' style. I'm sure there was no meddling on the part of our mysterious time guardian," Mamoru added before finishing his drink.

I know, right? Ranma being outright manipulated would explain what's gone on.

For her part, Ranma smoothed out her dress and gave a tiny bow. She then coughed into her hand. "Well... you still wanna see my kimonos?"

Is Ranma actually changing clothes for them here? Doesn't that miss the point of getting dressed up/prepared for the evening?

There's ten hugs in this scene alone, almost 40 total over all. You need to find a new interaction to serve as a filler.

The whole Nemesis/Palla Palla scene is so completely out of place with how you wanted to avoid fighting. Why are you dragging this story out like this? That there are monsters to be killed works as a simple framework to bring the cast together as the real focus should remain on Ranma/Hotaru/Setsuna, adapting to life in Juuban, and bringing Nerima to a close. It doesn't need to try and be an epic story.

Nodoka smiled wistfully. "Yes, it'd make a fitting gift. Thank you." She caught everyone's eye in turn. "Thank you. Thank you all."

***************


Three girls wearing glasses sat around a table on the grounds of Juuban High School, sharing lunch in the shade of a large oak tree.

You skipped over.... the one actual important scene... a scene you could build the ENTIRE chapter around... to focus on yet another worthless conversation about jewelry, boyfriends, more food, and double dating that you've rehashed like 3x in the past 2 chapters?




Skipping over fight scenes is one thing but why would you skip over what should be one of the most major character building moments since the last time the two talked? Why?!

The next scene with Hotaru is mostly good but it gets bogged down by the need to force in more boyfriend talk. One of the best parts about SM is that the female characters can put each other first and don't need to spend every conversation going on about how they or others need a man in their life. Let Ranma and Hotaru have a conversation where they focus on their problems and concerns.

I've tried to do to the best of my abilities and written something that I think is enjoyable. Though based on ch3 I think most readers have figured out where this story is going and what its tone will be.

I really wish your prereaders would care more about how you structure/progress the story. There's no sense of time, things just happen and you could more often than not rearrange scenes and there would be no noticeable difference. Food/boyfriends/clothes are such a major and overriding focus that they swallow up the few hints of anything else that had been important in those first two chapters.

[DCG]

Rereading over this i do think i should bring up something i missed while proofreading.

There's clearly not enough hugs in the chapter. Rei's basically untouched, And Minako/Makato.. poor girls are getting no love.

[frice2000]

and a couple and their child stepped

Too perfect. Inject personality. Usagi and Usa seem to constantly needle each other. Where is that sort of thing? If it has to be about clothing which seems to be a thing you love have her saying something about how gaudy Usagi's dress is and how hers is better.

"They don't have a live in servant."

"You know Ranma's not really a servant."

"No, she's one of us,"

This feels really off putting from a Usagi's characterization perspective. Where's the glimpses of serious ruler underneath the teen girl we saw near the end of both canons?

"But she is Hotaru's nanny!" Chibi-Usa pointed a bit jealously.

And seemingly Luna/Diana/Artemis/Pluto are hers, what's her problem. Also, Usa's like 900+ and royalty. I bet the idea of a nanny is NOT something she'd be happy about. Probably had enough of them. Being treated more like an adult after all of that is probably something she thinks is more attractive.

Usa's jealous pout vanished when she suddenly started to snicker.

Why not have her troll a bit here? Say something about how they should ask Puu about Ranma's love life...unless that isn't where this fic is going anymore. In which case huh?

What about that friend of Naru's boyfriend... the one that's really smart?"

What's the point of bringing this up when he's Naru's boyfriend and thus probably not up for anything? Confusing.

"That's not exactly a reassuring comparison," Usagi said, continuing her strained smile

You have her oscillating a bit much personality wise between jealous childishness and more adult...I know I advocated a bit more adult before but do pick one state for her and stick with it.

"You're playing matchmaker. Your first attempt to find a boyfriend for one of my friends fell through so now you're looking for another."

"Well... more double dates would be nice."

Usagi crossed her arms. "And what's tonight?"

Mamoru coughed. "So... is Suri interested in Ami?"

Chibi-Usa snickered. "Oh, he's got a crush on her."

Mamoru nodded. "Interesting."

"You've been talking with Mina and Mako-chan haven't you?" Usagi smirked.

Her fiance coughed.

"You have?"

"Well, to ask how Makoto was dealing after the breakup," Mamoru sighed. "Oh well, at least it didn't go too far and they can still be friends," he added brightening up.

"Yeah, it'd be bad if someone who knew our secret identities became a jilted ex." Stopping in front of the door to the Meiou apartment, Usagi eyed him. "Isn't that right?"

"This is about Rei? That's water under the bridge."

What's this advancing plot wise? I don't see it. Also, this fic really doesn't seem to be about these three. Honestly, rather see Ranma/Hotaru/Setsuna setting up for arrival of those three and then just catching the tail end of this conversation, since that really seems to be what the fic was designed to be about.

The pink-haired girl then burst into laughter.

I know Law commented on this too, but you aren't responding to her for whatever reason, and likely won't respond to me but this doesn't make sense. If she knew little details about almost everything would she have willingly fallen into the Black Lady trap? She knew who the Pegasus was in her dreams and feigned not knowing? There are so many little inconsistencies here. Her knowing generically who ends up with who? That's fine. Of course she'd see that in the future if they were still together a thousand or so years from now. But that knowledge shouldn't be very all encompassing. And the Rei a lesbian thing that's being implied here seems a little passe. Again, wish your focus was more on the main three characters of this piece.

"You're right. I should have told you when I first arrived. Just like I told you about Hotaru and Haruka and Michiru oh and let's not forget Helios," Chibi-Usa counted off with her fingers.

Again this reasoning is so weird. I don't think you've fully thought through all the complications that this makes arise. Think you should reconsider here.

Chibi-Usa nodded. "Now, knock already! I'm sure Puu's been waiting."

"If you insist, Small Lady." Mamoru pressed the doorbell button.

Eh, inject something from Mamoru about how annoying it is to have to be the only man or something around all these princesses. Which would let you do something interesting with Ranma reaction from the all knowing Usa.

"Bunny!" she squealed after finding her voice again.

Is she one to talk? 900 years and she's got her hair in a similar enough style, I don't know think she'd have been teased enough about that.

Their gazes locked, and for a split second Hotaru's eyes smoldered.

Chastised, Chibi-Usa lifted her purse which seemed to mollify the purple-eyed girl.

This interaction confuses me. They're friends too much for this to work out. Now again, let us say that the whole Usa knows everything thing is still in place. Usa knows how jealous and what this interaction with her nanny means. Or does Hotaru grow up and she isn't used to seeing her acting like this and Ranma's something else in her life? If you want to be consistent this should be changed a bit. Not that I like Usa having all this knowledge.

"Would you like some refreshments? I know Tenoh-kun would heartily recommend the wine."

Ok, so we had Usagi say how she's one of us and not just a servant but then they proceed to treat her a bit overly much like a servant for the rest of this scene. Odd.

Usagi accepted her glass. "Say... who does your hair anyway?" she asked as something tugged at the back of her mind.

Nothing technically wrong with this, but isn't some of this supposed to be about learning who Ranma is a bit more? Like could think Usagi might nervously ask this rather then asking a bit more about what Ranma is really like, but just this feels odd. Then the rest of the conversation about hair goes way too uncomfortably long for me, but that's your thing and it's to be expected.

Usagi smiled. "You like helping your friends."

Ranma nodded. "I wish I could do more for Akane, though." She looked down, a slight frown creasing her soft features. "It's been very hard for her, you know? Especially since..." She just shook her head.

Usagi took the redhead's hand. "You're being too hard on yourself. You're a wonderful friend."

Ranma shrugged. "I dunno. I tried encouraging Nami to pursue her crush and now she's stuck with running a club booth for a school festival, Kimiko had a hideous breakup all because I couldn't convince her that she was dating scum, and poor Akane..."

The like helping your friends thing is nice. Should wrap more conversation around that, and Ranma should have more to say about that rather then shallow topics. Less clothes, less hair, more what this means to helping others more deeply. Get beyond the surface, show a bit deep into Ranma's character and how this really matters to her. And the scene goes to a much better and more fulfilling place.

Other then that, this reads as too scripty. The whole Ranma: Usagi: Ranma: Thing.

"How is it, my Princess? Good?"

I don't like this line, but I suppose it's fine as Ranma doesn't know what to expect from Usagi. But if Usagi after saying how good the treat is then turned around and said something like 'her friends don't call her that' is much better.

"Though you're not the first Senshi with those talents," Usagi teased as she looked Ranma over. "Makoto's got 'em too."

The redhead blinked, then followed Usagi's gaze and blushed.

"No no!" Usagi waved her hands. "She's a martial artist and a cook too!"

This is fine, and I like this if it's balanced with Usagi wanting to get them all together as friends. Perhaps Usagi taking a picture of the cakes with her phone and sending them to Makoto right there saying 'Next meeting you will need to top this! You have been challenged!' Could be fun.

"What?" Mamoru asked, confused. He just managed to stop short of glancing down at the two girls' hips.

Eh, I'd have Usagi cut this off and say something about how they should stop talking about this. And how the only panties she wants Mamoru thinking about are her own. While Usa does the standard 'Ew parents talking about sex thing.' And makes the conversation move on.

Forcing a smile, Setsuna turned to Hotaru. "I think Usagi would really want to see your yukata."

"Good idea," Ranma said before going back to the stove.

"And then you and Ranma can show off her lovely kimonos."

This feels incredibly bizarre. Why would mostly adults do this at some dinner party?

"You don't have to do much. Think of it as recycling, even. Her memory, her pattern won't go to waste now." Nemesis smiled. "I promise you'll enjoy it."

Like Law, don't see how this fits into the story you've been telling with the previous chapters in the least, but it's interesting. Does feel remarkably out of place though with the previous work in the series though. It also really feels oddly placed in this fic with it being squarely in the middle. Could perhaps instead be at the end or the start and feel better.

"You son

Your son

"Assume the hypothetical. Assume the Tendo's are charged to the fullest extent. Assume your husband... well... assume he's culpable and has a similar fate."

Far too scientific and unemotional on this conversation. Needs more human connection. You're not writing non-humans here...Well the Senshi maybe, but that doesn't count.

Also with all Nodoka has learned and asked around about, she's never heard that the red-head girl going as Ranma and her son are one in the same? Or mentions of a curse her son bears? Bizarre.

"And got a very expensive gift, on what would have been at most the third date. Which is far too fast," Kimiko primly added.

Ok fine, they're talking about the pretty new jewlery Ranma's got on. That's fine. Feels fine too, with one addition. Move on and talk more about Kimiko and Nami's lives too. Move off Ranma. Them being purely in her orbit is horribly sad for what's supposed to be a nice friendship.

"Uh... you're Usagi right?" Nami asked.

"Yes, yes she is," Kimiko deadpanned.

"Yeah, Tsukino Usagi, nice to meet you!"

Should have them tease Ranma once Usagi leaves. Something about how they're amazed Ranma's friends with Usagi. Usagi has some reputation as some off the wall ridiculous type. While Ranma's always seemed so serious. Could have Ranma think about how much she's changed while she's been here. Could be good. And what follows is far too much conversation about inanities which I only skimmed through. Could use a lot of trimming down.

Built into a hill, Prince Arisugawa Park consisted of several tiers.

Eh they're senshi. Such a boring arena when the whole solar system is their plaything to teleport to. Stick them on some Moon around Saturn with the massive planet and it's rings hovering over their heads and it'd be instantly far, far, neater.

"Nanny! That was a trick!" Saturn pouted as she got back up.

Something from Ranma about how she isn't her nanny right now? She's her sensei?

Rereading over this i do think i should bring up something i missed while proofreading.

There's clearly not enough hugs in the chapter. Rei's basically untouched, And Minako/Makato.. poor girls are getting no love.

How witty! Wonderful job addressing her perfectly valid concerns, regardless of the mildly acerbic tone they may have been presented in. And you wonder why she thinks you're one of the problems?

[Crimson Vixen]

In comment to LawOhki, my ideal's of story structure are fairly warped, due to having read several thousand books, in 15 languages, and ranging from the 1700's to the modern day. So, I'm not much for being able to help with that. Sorry. On the bit about the timeline, I already started one working with Sunny a few weeks back (and due to various issues I have not been able to help flesh out a more full timeline and a way to implement it fully into the story in a visible way, but it Is being addressed. To DCG, I did not notice the lack of hug's till you had pointed it out. ^^; My winter has been exceedingly busy and hectic, so I haven't had as much time to work on the stories that I proof read. And with my bosses jilted ex, making a rather violent entrance to the Cafe that I work at after closing time's it does not seem to be calming down all that much.

[Sunshine Temple]

Frice, Law, you've both repeatedly sworn you've give up on me. Only to, once again, be right here.

You both repeatedly mock and insult my prereaders. Because apparently being "mildly acerbic" is perfectly fine but saying something playful, oh that crosses the line?

And yet you, Frice, seem to be completely obtuse on why I'd rather not deal with you. Remember the last PM's we exchanged? How you took joy in giving me stress?

You know why I Ignore you two?

You're simple not worth the headache.

Yes, there are a few valid concerns and good ideas. (Usagi taking photos of the mooncakes, the "you son" typo, maybe tighten up CU's interactions, clearing up the timeline).

However, the quality of your commentary isn't the issue. Engaging with either one of you is too much of a hassle. Because I know how this goes.

I won't do everything you suggest, you'll get livid, insulting, and then you'll threaten to never comment (again).

Sure, you can get angry about my "demands". And claim that it's about how I don't like getting negative feedback

Funny given that one of my prereaders doesn't like the story, one has a love-hate relationship with it (she just posed before me) and yet another one actively hates it (and considers the story a tragedy and goes into great detail about what's wrong with it). But no, tell me more about how my prereaders are all yesmen/women and lousy at helping me (because that'll make your advice seem so much better)

The difference between them and you two is that neither one of you is a person I enjoy dealing with.

And, I don't have to.

[Dumbledork]

Well, it's impossible to please everyone. I for one enjoy the story, even if there are some things I don't like either.

Complainign about your writing style however is futile. You have your style and it's similar for each of your stories. So, I don't really see why People are still complaining about it. They should know by now what to expect.

[frice2000]

Perhaps it's because at least for me I think you're a talented writer who has buried that talent under loads of junk. I was kind of hoping my comments about hurting you would knock you out of just that. But instead it obviously hasn't, which is a shame.

But if you really don't want to hear from me anymore, I'm sure the ban and delete account button is right there. Feel free to click it, it'd be nice to not be tempted to read your stories and see the glimmers of what they could have been mixed in with the clothes.

[Sunshine Temple]

Perhaps it's because at least for me I think you're a talented writer who has buried that talent under loads of junk. I was kind of hoping my comments about hurting you would knock you out of just that. But instead it obviously hasn't, which is a shame.

But if you really don't want to hear from me anymore, I'm sure the ban and delete account button is right there. Feel free to click it, it'd be nice to not be tempted to read your stories and see the glimmers of what they could have been mixed in with the clothes.

Speaking as the writer of the above fic: So you only want to hurt me out of love? Yeah, that's a great way to convince me the error of my ways.

And now speaking as an Admin of this forum: Sorry, you haven't actually broken any forum rules yet. You and Law have come close but I have an impartial staff member checking your posts for this exact reason. So no, I'm not going to violate forum policy just because you want martyrdom. You're free to post all you want (provided you do not violate forum rules). I just have no obligation to listen to you.

[Sunshine Temple]

Sorry for for my previous post burying yours

Well, it's impossible to please everyone. I for one enjoy the story, even if there are some things I don't like either.

Complainign about your writing style however is futile. You have your style and it's similar for each of your stories. So, I don't really see why People are still complaining about it. They should know by now what to expect.

Thanks for commenting. Hope the chapter was worth the wait.

[LawOhki]

In comment to LawOhki, my ideal's of story structure are fairly warped, due to having read several thousand books, in 15 languages, and ranging from the 1700's to the modern day. So, I'm not much for being able to help with that. Sorry. On the bit about the timeline, I already started one working with Sunny a few weeks back (and due to various issues I have not been able to help flesh out a more full timeline and a way to implement it fully into the story in a visible way, but it Is being addressed.

It's really not the timeline, it's the lack of any sense of time/progression. The scenes are put together without any connection between them other than the jump between Nodoka and the lack of Nodoka scene where the most important event in.... months is simply skipped over to be given only a few references about jewelry being given. It would take a trivial amount of effort to reorder everything in the chapter and it wouldn't affect it in the slightest. It's more like a bunch of random scenes that need to be fit into a chapter.

Frice, Law, you've both repeatedly sworn you've give up on me. Only to, once again, be right here.

You both repeatedly mock and insult my prereaders. Because apparently being "mildly acerbic" is perfectly fine but saying something playful, oh that crosses the line?

First, no I haven't, I've wondered why I put in effort when your response is often to act too above me to respond like you're doing here.

DCG purposely ran me out of the IRC channel by abusing his position/ignoring the rules and has always responded in a dickish way whenever he felt like commenting on something of mine. Even still, I didn't think it crossed any line, and I would respond to him if he thought to throw in something on my stories. But it certainly wasn't funny.

Yes, there are a few valid concerns and good ideas. (Usagi taking photos of the mooncakes, the "you son" typo, maybe tighten up CU's interactions, clearing up the timeline).

Yet you want to focus on creating drama where there doesn't need to be?

Funny given that one of my prereaders doesn't like the story, one has a love-hate relationship with it (she just posed before me) and yet another one actively hates it (and considers the story a tragedy and goes into great detail about what's wrong with it). But no, tell me more about how my prereaders are all yesmen/women and lousy at helping me (because that'll make your advice seem so much better)

The difference between them and you two is that neither one of you is a person I enjoy dealing with.

And, I don't have to.

No one else is privy to how you communicate with your prereaders and they really don't respond to these with any of those concerns. But with how homogeneous your stories have become and hyper focused on several reoccuring areas regardless of what's come before... it's easy to imagine that they are focusing more on typos/grammar rather than asking serious questions about what is going on. Why a character is doing something? Why is a scene warranted? What purpose does it serve?

Did anyone else wonder why you skipped over such an important meeting between Ranma and Nodoka? Something that was an essential concern in the first two chapters and would have worked well to tie the entire chapter together. (The build up and then the response) Or did they ask and you honestly think that school club talk is more important?

And now speaking as an Admin of this forum: Sorry, you haven't actually broken any forum rules yet. You and Law have come close but I have an impartial staff member checking your posts for this exact reason.

Really? Wow, that's just sad.

[DCG]

Thinking about that Usagi idea. It has some merit, this can go places. I know the time line is more modern, there would be Japan verson's of imgur/redit. And lets not forget this is the place Iron-chief started.

Usagi's little pic/dare can have really fun action/reaction ripples all around.

As for Usa, Well. She' is over 900 years old. Even if she studied "how to be a spy" on the weekend's in her spare time she would still clock in more hours then the 007's put together. Her action's don't seem to out of place. But hey touching up would just make some parts more fun.

The interaction between her and hotaru is both amusing and interesting. Make's you wounder what thoes little ones are plotting.

[ijp92]

I'm going to have to agree with Law on the Usa/Hotaru scene.
It's a bit to subtle and just comes off as odd.
I actually misinterpreted a lot of that scene my first time through. Usa's sudden cry of "bunny". (I thought she was excited to see a new rabbit hairstyle, not that she was mocking Ranma). And when Hotaru "smouldered" at Usa, I certainly didn't interpret that phrase as representing anger (I've never seen a smoulder used to convey anger actually), which just confused the hell out of me.

I also have to agree that the fight scene in the middle came out of no where and really threw me off. And then once I settled, you jump back to our regular programming.

last complaint is that while it didn't bother me on my first read through, looking back on the fic, I can understand what Law meant by timeline. The story as a whole doesn't do to well making the progression of time that clear. There was probably several lines that I'm forgetting (if so just correct me) but just thinking back I really don't know how long its been since Ranma was hired or how much time passes between scenes.
That said, it isn't an important problem, even if it isn't my bad reading analysis.


In the end, I'm reading for the utter car wreck I'm expecting this fic to end with (which is not comment on your writing abilities, but on more of the "can't look away" image. Colliding personalities and goals and such). That is i want to see how you show the Tendo household imploding and how all of the other strings get wrapped up. Does more of Nerima go down with them? Does any of the NWC catch up to Ranma? Does Akane finally confront Ranma on her drastically changed and changing personality? How does Ranma react? Do her new friends discover her past? How do they react? etc. etc.

[Konsaki]

And now speaking as an Admin of this forum: Sorry, you haven't actually broken any forum rules yet. You and Law have come close but I have an impartial staff member checking your posts for this exact reason.

Really? Wow, that's just sad.

Actually, I think it's an ethical decision, due to the situation between you two. By self-limiting himself, he's trying to prevent an abuse of power situation.
Even though I may not like the way Temple handles his story progression, I do respect that he's still trying to publicly manage the feud by the letter of the rules.

[Cheb]

I forgot almost everything so I have to re-read it from the beginning Will comment Ch.4 later.