Hinata Sedai

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Hinata Sedai

Postby Lerris » Fri Mar 07, 2014 10:51 pm

A desperate heroine risks all for a friend only to become a pawn in someone else's playground. With new abilities, and a friend she doesn't know about at her side, they face the world once again. A redo that actually does things differently. Eventual Naruto/Hinata/Sakura.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10157398/1/Hinata-Sedai

It's been awhile since I've written much of anything, but I thought I would put out a story I wrote a large chunk of awhile back. Of course, I still have to revise over half of it, but feel free to give C&C on what is posted either here or on fanfiction.net if you are so inclined.

The basic premises were:
1) Try to do something mostly original in the Narutoverse, although it is a redo story, so some canon is there, if not much.
2) The concept of the one power from the wheel of time might make things interesting. In general the premise is that the one power was sealed away and now opened on a Narutoverse, but only the female half of the one power for now. (Saidar)
3) Use of the one power is not automatically superior to chakra. For isntance chakra enhancement would allow one to move and fight much faster.
4) In this Narutoverse women, usually those with experience with chakra may have the potential for Saidar.
5) I did ditch the Kyuubi, because, well its impossible to keep him around without his power by definition eclipsing everything else. It also makes Naruto more vulnerable so it may give other characters a chance to shine a bit.

So far I have 110k words written, but less than half is releasable, as I changed my mind about having canon Naruto in the story (minus the Kyuubi).

I am also open to ideas on possible things for them to fight against, with the idea that teams will use a combination of Saidar and Chakra to overcome obstacles.

I'm a little surprised that this crossover doesn't have more than 3 entries, 2 of which are already shorter than I've posted let alone have written, but I suppose the cross section of those who have read the Wheel of Time saga and a particular Japanese Animation may not be great. Ah well.

-Lerris
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Lerris » Wed Mar 12, 2014 6:50 pm

FYI, There are now 5 chapters up if anyone cares to comment here or there.

If anyone has a suggestion for a different story to work on, well I'd certainly consider it...
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby PCHeintz72 » Wed Mar 12, 2014 9:17 pm

Lerris wrote:FYI, There are now 5 chapters up if anyone cares to comment here or there.

If anyone has a suggestion for a different story to work on, well I'd certainly consider it...

Hmmm.... seeking reader opinion? You may regret it, but here goes:

Of the 8 stories of yours I track, most are old (8+ years), and 1 is complete...

Of the 7 not complete ones... only 3 come to my mind as liking enough to still want to be continued. Of those 3 the order of preference from most to least would be:

RANMA-MULTI 'Ice Squared'
RANMA-SM 'Minako's Story'
RANMA-SM 'Legacy of the Moon'

EDIT: The one thing with the first one is you may not remember but there was a big discussion here on whether Ranma/Nabiki would seriously listen to the goddess in not to go rescue Kasumi... Under no condition whatsoever could I see these two after what they've been through abandon her.
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Lerris » Wed Mar 12, 2014 9:44 pm

A part of me was tempted to try to find a way to merge where Destiny and Minako's story are and then go forward. The problem is, I don't have a good way to do it. I suppose I could bring Minako's Story to a close prior to the events in Destiny. That would also require going back and at least adding references to it and some cameos in Destiny. Then there is the problem that you would technically be crossing over four series at that point, although character wise, you would obviously use fewer. At any rate I'm not sure it would even work, well other than it would be an interesting cast to go forward with.... I also tentatively had some similar things planned for both, although those ideas are still fairly vague..
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby PCHeintz72 » Wed Mar 12, 2014 9:57 pm

Lerris wrote:A part of me was tempted to try to find a way to merge where Destiny and Minako's story are and then go forward. The problem is, I don't have a good way to do it. I suppose I could bring Minako's Story to a close prior to the events in Destiny. That would also require going back and at least adding references to it and some cameos in Destiny. Then there is the problem that you would technically be crossing over four series at that point, although character wise, you would obviously use fewer. At any rate I'm not sure it would even work, well other than it would be an interesting cast to go forward with.... I also tentatively had some similar things planned for both, although those ideas are still fairly vague..

Crossing Minakos Story with a Harry Potter and Gundam fan fiction would not appeal to me personally, but only because I'm not a fan of either of those two other series, not through any dislike of that specific story. Having said that, it is your story, not mine.

What about Ice Squared? Any thoughts of continuing it? Except the banning of Ranma/Nabiki going after Kasumi (not that I ever believed they would obey), I quite liked it and considered it my favorite of the non-finished stories.
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Lerris » Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:03 pm

FYI, I only have one character from Gundam Seed, and she isn't one of the mech pilots. She was brought in for her vision of the future and being one of the more interesting characters from the series.

As far as the others, I'd have to reread, and resist the temptation to edit/revise everything (which might gobble a lot of time), and then go from there...
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Spica75 » Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:08 pm

FYI, There are now 5 chapters up if anyone cares to comment here or there.


Haven´t had a chance to read any of it yet...

If anyone has a suggestion for a different story to work on, well I'd certainly consider it...

Oh i´m definitely still waiting for Ice Squared to update again.
I remember totally nothing about it by now but i think it was good. :mrgreen:
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby ranmas » Thu Mar 13, 2014 2:34 am

Well after reading all five of the chapters I found it to be interesting. I find my major complaints with it to currently center around how nice and neat that everything is being swept away. Another thing that bothers me about it is if the dark one has been sealed away, then both side of the one power should be available to use, as there is a balance there. Trying to force chakra to be that balancing point is really awkward. It seems more like it should be the one power, male or female, or chakra if you wanted to go that route. Otherwise I don't really see why it has to be one or the other. Sure you have seals acting up when they are exposed to the one power, but there does not seem to be a reason as to why internal energy that everyone can generate should be interfered with by the one power. Especially considering in the wheel of time books you had many different kinds of beings that could do things that did not rely on the one power. I could see the argument that letting them use both makes them overpowered, but generally the concentration it takes to use one would make it very hard for them to use the other at the same time.

There also seems to be a lot of this character did this and that character is doing that, which could use more fleshing out instead of the few sentences they are given. Besides that there seems to be not much happening at the moment. Sure you have Sasuke run off with the sound four, I would question why did this happen, but you have 5 chapters of non-issues, where are the struggles be they enemy's or just road blocks in your characters progression. How did they convince him, how long did it take, how where the sound four even able to sneak in when Hinata should have already warned them about that group? Lots of questions and no answers but a whole lot of hand waving away of issues. That one just being one of the them that stuck out the most.

Overall a good read, but it seems to need just a bit more fleshing out.

lol, and I wouldn't mind seeing more of Minako's Story, Falling for a Princess and yes Ice Squared.
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Lerris » Thu Mar 13, 2014 8:20 am

Well after reading all five of the chapters I found it to be interesting. I find my major complaints with it to currently center around how nice and neat that everything is being swept away.


That is a valid point. Mostly the reason is to avoid covering canon events. That story has been written and I'm loathe to write anything even close to it, but at the same time you can't always avoid it entireely. Is rushing through a perfect solution? Probably not, but spending too much time is definetely annoying, giving how many near canon redos I've read. I was also working on adding some other obstacles, but may not do that at this time, beyond what is already in draft form.

Another thing that bothers me about it is if the dark one has been sealed away, then both side of the one power should be available to use, as there is a balance there. Trying to force chakra to be that balancing point is really awkward. It seems more like it should be the one power, male or female, or chakra if you wanted to go that route.


Meh, in the end I didn't really care for how the Wheel of Time's ultimate enemy turned out, so no Dark One period. Also, if I brought in both sides of the power, then you would not have anything new, whereas the combination of Saidar and Chakra was something new that could be explored. It was also the key reason that Hinata's team included both Sakura and Naruto. Eventually they would be regularly doing things that required both, or at least that was the plan. I also planned to make it near impossible to duplicate, but anyway. At any rate, there was no plans to bring back Saidin, at least not for the immediate story.

There also seems to be a lot of this character did this and that character is doing that, which could use more fleshing out instead of the few sentences they are given. Besides that there seems to be not much happening at the moment.


When you want a story to cover larger issues, and more sweeping events, it is difficult to go into a lot of detail lest you never get anywhere. I read one not long ago that I liked the setup of. I think it was called Harry Potter Jedi, but he was around one hundred and fifty thousand words and just to their first christmas. That being said, it is a fair criticism, but I still think it is an acceptable tradeoff, but yes, more detail would be good. As far as Sasuke goes, I simply figured that Sasuke was fed up with Gai's teachings of youth and not instantly being taught deadly moves, so when another infiltrator offered he jumped at the chance. Adding to that the almost certainty that Neji and Lee were regularly showing him up should have been enough. I suppose a full chapter devoted to it might have been worthwhile, but I confess little interest in doing so.

lol, and I wouldn't mind seeing more of Minako's Story, Falling for a Princess and yes Ice Squared.

That's three votes for Ice Squared. Okay at some point I'll do a reread there and go from there.
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Lerris » Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:48 pm

Another chapter is up.

I did have one flame on it already that I removed (no actual criticism, other than not doing what they wanted). It seems someone didn't like that I didn't promise to remove Sakura. Sakura fits with the story as is, so nope, not going to spend lots of time on a story few people are following, to appease a few people. I suppose its worth pointing out that I don't recall their relationship actually developing that much before I'm out of content and that people are overreacting to the warning in the summary, but ah well...

Ah well...

Back to it, to try to finish at least somewhat. Then perhaps onto Ice Squared in a couple weeks. I'll probably try to do a read through/trivial editing pass and then check in with my muse, but we shall see.
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Lerris » Thu Mar 13, 2014 11:20 pm

Remaining chapters posted for anyone interested. Note they are my original drafts for the most part, and that is unlikely to change, at least in the near term. If by chance anyone has an interest in taking over the story just let me know.
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby ranmas » Fri Mar 14, 2014 12:28 pm

Well, the remaining chapters were interesting as well. Though because of their status as being not being beta read they have a lot more issues with them. There is still the issue of every problem they run into is trivial, and almost hand waved away in less than two paragraphs most of the time. The issue Hinata had when attempting to get the slug summons seemed to get the most attention out of any of the troubles they had. Then you have some pretty serious timeline issues. You have Naruto expose that he is the Naruto from the timeline that Hinata came from, when he summons the toads from their original line. Then in the next chapter things have gone back to Hinata thinking that Naruto is not the one from her timeline, and even Naruto no seems to think he is from a different timeline as well. Not to mention that they seem to think Naruto has never learned to summon the toads and he can't make a contract with them even tho he already has one. I do belive there may have been a few more issues of this nature, but I'm not positive what they were right now. I was up very late reading through this. Another issue that I noticed is Rin. Nothing is said about her in previous chapters but the chapter after they heal Itachi Rin is suddenly there and had a hand in helping to heal Itachi
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Lerris » Fri Mar 14, 2014 5:47 pm

Once again, the remaining chapters are just whatever I had left. I thought I made that clear. It was purely for those who have already started, should they dare to proceed regardless. You see inconsistencies, because originally Naruto didn't come back and because I no longer had the motivation to spend the many hours required on it. As what is posted is draft quality, I doubt I keep it up for too long...
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Spica75 » Fri Mar 14, 2014 5:51 pm

I did have one flame on it already that I removed (no actual criticism, other than not doing what they wanted). It seems someone didn't like that I didn't promise to remove Sakura. Sakura fits with the story as is, so nope, not going to spend lots of time on a story few people are following, to appease a few people. I suppose its worth pointing out that I don't recall their relationship actually developing that much before I'm out of content and that people are overreacting to the warning in the summary, but ah well...


Just ignore. If they cant stand your story then they should write their own or at least try to be constructive. It´s one thing just wailing about "Sakura must be excluded" and a drastically other thing to give a good reason for why that should be...

I just cant understand how some people think useless flaming will make a writer change the story... :?

Back to it, to try to finish at least somewhat. Then perhaps onto Ice Squared in a couple weeks. I'll probably try to do a read through/trivial editing pass and then check in with my muse, but we shall see.

Goody. :D

As what is posted is draft quality, I doubt I keep it up for too long...


Never take something down. There´s bound to be people who like it as it is.
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Re: Hinata Sedai

Postby Cheb » Sat Mar 15, 2014 5:05 pm

May need retconing of the parts that disregard the most recent canon developments:
- The fact that Tobi is not really Madara (Hinata should be aware of that, he was revealed when she was present)
- Neji's death in her universe. She *must* have reactions to the Neji of this AU, considering he died protecting her. At least the talk should be played differently.
- The fact that the cursed seal is literally a backup Orochimaru: to kill him for good, all the seals must be hunted down and destroyed. Also the fact that killing him once would not be enough.


..reading on..
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