Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

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Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

Postby kaorou » Tue Feb 25, 2014 5:57 pm

Before we start, this is less of an CC in the normal meaning then a test for myself how much my english writing skills have improved over the last years.
I really hope this is ok for me to post here, if not just delete it.

So here is very old version
SPOILER - Show Spoiler
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Oh my goddess if i would ,i wouldnt write this^^

10. October The Attack of Kyuubi

To say Today was bad day for Minato were the understatement of the year at first Kushina died during childbirth which was followed by the release of Kyuubi which is now trieing to destroy Konaha and the only persona which could help died becuase of a unobservant moment of him but this moment was enough for Kyuubi to Kill his child.

But he weren't Minato if he doesn't tried it nonetheless he hoped Shinigami-Sama would take Kyuubi straight to hell. but even the Shinikami couldn't Kyuubi just send to hell.

Konoha was screwed... He prayed in silent ,as if it would help... He was realistic how high were the chance that Kami answer his Prayers. Right they were very low.

He gave Shinigami sama the signal that he could take his soul, he has summoned him and he knows the price its just sad that it haven't helped. He closed his eyes as a pillar of light crashed right between him and Kyuubi.

He opened his Eyes and could see a Silouette in the pillar.

The person in there radiated a very powerful aura, his eyes widened as the shinigami which took a human like form before the pillar and bowed.

As the light died down he saw a woman with long blond hair and a very curvy Body, She was simply Breath taking.

A few Minutes before - Kami-samas office

As he looked at the scene before him it made him sad.

He respected this Mortal for his Will.

It was just sad that his child died.

But even he couldn't just resurrect the child soul of the child this was against the rules.

After a few Second he smiled he had a plan how he could help, he stand up and began to walk toward Yggdrasil.

Yggdrasil - Urd POV

Just because i took the life of this perv i must kill this dammed bugs...

He would have died a day later during a road accident, so what was so bad that she killed him one day before...

She was interrupted from her musing by someone who enters the rooms.

Her eyes widen as she her father walk in.

He saw her and said in a firm voice "What you are seeing now doesn't leave this room "

I just nodded, i was supicous what wanted he in this room, here wasn't more then yggdrasil but he have a remote access in his office so why is he here.

Kamis Pov

as she nodded i began to talk "yggdrasil-sama i need your help could please come out."

for my amusing i saw Urds confused look, she must taught something like why is he talking to a pc.

But a sweet voice answered "How many times i must say you that you should drop the -sama."

I rubbed my head " Sorry yggdrasil-chan but you know even gods are forgetful"

"I hope you remember this the next time, but i think i know why you are here.

you want that i go down to earth and took this child as a vessel,don't you?"

"Yeah that brings it to the point"

"Hmm...I think i will to it, i need some fun after nearly 1000 year of work but i will leave a fragment of me here"

Yggdrasil was glowing but this died soon down before urd could say something i was gone"

Earth

Minato was perplexed why was Shinigami-sama bowing to her...

"What for a honor that you came down to see me yggdrasil-chan"

I sweat dropped as the now named women stares at him and slap it across his face

"To you its yggdrasil-sama you jerk,and im not her because of you rather because of him" she pointed toward the Kyuubi which eyes widen after a few seconds

Kyuubis Pov

yggdrasil...hmm...somewhere i know this name...

the it hit him,yggdrasil like the godess of yggdrasil, phew i taught it were someone wors...OH fuck it is something bad.

Kyuubis Pov End

Shingami-sama stand up "and what will you to about him you cant just kill him"

She smiled " who said i kill him, you will seal him inside my new body"

"Your new body?" he said the he realised whom she meant and looked towards the confused human

"Today is your lucky day you will plan will work,but you will have a daughter i hope you don't mind this"

Minato doesn't understand it complete but that he have understand is that this women will take over the body of his child and because she is female ,the body will become female and the shinigami sama will seal it inside her.

His face brightened "I don't mind" with this the sealing was going how he had planed it with a smile on his face his soul leaves his body.


And here the newer Version
SPOILER - Show Spoiler
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Oh my goddess if i would ,i wouldn't write this^^
October The Attack of Kyuubi

To say Today was bad day for Minato would be the understatement of the year, if not the whole millennium.
It was really ironic how the happiest day an young couple can have can turn from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.
Today was the day his first son was born, he and his wife were beyond happy about this, everything went well.
The seal was stable, the birth while hard for Kushina went well, until that masked ninja suddenly appeared in the room, a high security one at that.
Minato still didn't really understand how he could get in the easily, he double checked all seals he placed on the room hours before the birth started, further more around 20 high rank Anbus were ordered to guard the room and this ninja still managed to not only get in but ruin the day.
He came right as the nurse was cleaning small naruto.
He decapitated the nurse and took naruto in his hands, threatening to kill small naruto if Minato wouldn't free the Kyuubi.
After an short mental talk with his wife he decided to accept his terms.
Kyuubi despite believes was by no mean an malicious creature, he only had an rather short temper but he agreed to be resealed into naruto after that whole mess.
This is as far has is plan went, but like in all good plans there were flaws.
In this special case a very fatal one, the masked ninja somehow possessed the sharingan.

Well taken for ranted a normal sharingan wouldn't have flawed by such a trivial thing, the problem was that it was an Mangekyou Sharingan.
An sharingan in it final form, obtained by killing a very close person to them self, all in all an cursed eye.
Powerful enough to even control even the Kyuubi and this was the flaw.
The Kyuubi instantly went on an massive rampage threating Konoha as an whole.
The masked ninja left soon after that but kyuubi was still here and a pretty big thread not only to konoha but to the whole world.
As an Hokage... No as an father he couldn't allow such an beast to run rampage on the world.
Sadly no human can simply kill an Bijuu let alone the most flowerful of them.
There was an way through to ban the imetade danger to the world, the power of human sacrifice.
The idea behind it was rather simple, much like the very common storage seals you would seal the Bijuu in to something.
And while this sounded simple it an few mayor problems, you can seal something as flowerful as an Bijuu into scroll or anything similar.
The only option was an Human, an newborn child to be exact.Any other person would instantly die because of the chakra overload.
This was the least problem they had naruto do seal the kyuubi into, the bigger problem was the way it needed to be sealed.
Since no human could bring up enough power to seal such a creature you need help from the heavens.
To be even more correct you needed the help of the Shinigami .
But the Shinigami doesn't like it that much to be summoned by humans for their “simple” problems , so while the grim reaper will full will the wish of the summoner, he will also take the life of the same persona as an payment.

Which is something which minato is ready to do for the sake of his Childs future.
So now here we are, Minato facing of against the Kyuubi, Kushina barely standing next to him, binding the kyuubi in place with here last power,ready to summon the shinigami.
Another unpredicted thing happened Kushina power run out far to soon and the chains that as of now hold the kyuubi in place dissapeared.
The next thing went far to fast for him to react kyuubi crushed naruto with his mighty paws.
Minato was beyond schock by now, but he couldn't allow him self to fall down yet, and so he finished the summoning hoping that there was another way to at least save the world.
Meanwhile in the heavens
You could say many thinks about Kami-sama, many of them were true but many of them were not.
Yes he sees everything, hears everything and knows everything, but even he had is rules.
But still he respected Minato, for his courage, for his selflessness but most of all for his will.
It isn't an easy task to impress god, but he did it.
But this isn't important right now, more important is his child.
The dead child... It was simply not meant to happen, sure there were other way to get the kyuubi out of the way but the child being dead was no option.
The child was destined to unite the world, against an great evil.And after that he should bring peace to the world.
But now all this seemed lost, nothing more then a vague idea.
He had do to something.


But he couldn't just revive the child, this was one of the many rules he had set to himself, and he wouldn't break them.
Last time he did break one of his rules it ended in all destroying war between serval planets.
He had to set everything back to 0, billion of years of development just lost cause he meddle with the human world, no he wouldn't risk that again.
But what could he do then...
His mind raced faster then even light, thinking of ways to somehow revive the child without directly meld with the human world.
He almost lost all his hope as he got an idea, it was risky yes.
But it was worth the risk.
Yggdrasil, their central wish processing unit was solution.
Yggdrasil wasn't just an tree, it was an entity in itself, far older then even himself.
Yggdrasil was bound by his rules, he just hoped that Yggdrasil would help him and the child.
A few minutes later - Ygdrasil room
As he entered the room he ordered everyone to leave the room at once, which the angel and other gods did without even asking why.
It would have been an unwise thing do do so, Kami had this look again that pretty much said “Ask me anything and you will be degraded to an infant” which is something no one wanted.
As the room was finally empty he said: “Yggdrasil-sama would you be so kind to show yourself before my humble self”.
He hated to say this, he had to, Yggdrasil could be very short tempered, which is something he didn't want to trigger right now as he needed her help.
But instead of showing herself she just answered “I will help this child, not because you asked me or anything but anything but cause i want the world to finally be in peace” she said before muttering “you can imagine how annoying all these wishes are that are triggered through unnatural deaths are”
With this the it became quite once again.
Kami just cursed, “HOW MANY TIMES DID I TELL YOU DO NOT SPY ON MY THOUGHS!!!!”
Back on Earth
Minato finished the summoning process, and as expected the shinigami appeared before him.
The Shinigami mustered him ,the kyuubi and the dead child before asking Minato “I am right to assume that you wanted to seal this big fur-ball into this child” he asked while pointing to narutos lifeless body.
Minato didn't know what to say so he simply nodded before the shinigami went on.
“I am sad for you lose, and i am sorry there isn't a way besides sealing to subside him, why not seal it in another child instead, i can sense serval other suitable newborns in the area”.
Minato was unsure what do to next, sure Kyuubi was an problem but he didn't want to burden any other child with this curse...
But he had no option, after he short moment he selected on an orphaned child that he hoped was strong enough for it.
But just as he wanted to to say the name of the child another entity appeared right between him and the shinigami.
This new entry was seemingly a female, not older then 12 if he had to guess, she had blond, almost golden twin-tails and wore a plain white kimono.
But two things were off about here, the most striking think that the Shinigami started bowing once she appeared.
He was dumbfounded, what was this for an strange day for him... He must be dreaming i guess.
And as if reading his mind, the girl started to talk to him in an serene but strong voice “No you are not dreaming Minato, let me introduce myself” she said “I am Yggdrasil, godess first class, unlimited, i am here to form an contract with your child” she pointed at narutos lifeless body.
Before Minato could point out that naruto was already dead , she continued once again as if reading his mind once again “Yes narutos is dead, but his soul is still here, but this wont be for long” she waited for an moment before continuing “I can revive naruto in doing so naming him my avatar, but his body is damaged beyond repair so i would have to create a new body from scratch based on me, but as you can see i am female...” she trailed of.
But Minato was everything but not dumb, he could count one and one.
And so he answered “Yeah you can make an contract with my ... Daughter”.
Yggdrasil just noted and disappeared once again as an white glow started to emit from the place where his son, soon to be daughter lifeless body lied.
The glow soon disappeared as cry's of an baby were heard.
Minato just smiled as Yggdrasil voice came out of nowhere “Please continue where you left”.
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Re: Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

Postby Spica75 » Tue Feb 25, 2014 10:31 pm

A definite improvement certainly.

Don´t forget to keep putting in spaces to avoid walls of text or any variations on it.

Figure out when it´s supposed to be "an" and "a". "A hokage", "a father", "After a short mental talk"...

Beware the capital letters, "his Childs future", small "c" in "child' s" there. "Hokage" doesn´t get capital letter either. Interestingly, you did the opposite error for "Naruto".

You write "serval" in several places that should be "several". :mrgreen:

"Yes narutos is dead", doubling up. Either "Naruto's" or "Naruto is".

"20 high rank Anbus" -> "20 high rank ANBU"


Keep on writing, i´d say you´re doing pretty well.
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Re: Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

Postby Lord Aries Greymon » Tue Mar 18, 2014 2:51 pm

Spica75 wrote:"Hokage" doesn´t get capital letter either.


Actually, as far as I can tell, you're wrong on that.
Hokage, is a title, much like "Captain" the rank and the function, or "President" of the USA.

and from everything I've ever been told by my teachers, titles are capitalized.

for example, he's not "Harry, prince of Wales" he's "Harry, Prince of Wales."


On the other claw, if you have proof of me being wrong, feel free to let it out.
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Re: Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

Postby Konsaki » Tue Mar 18, 2014 3:50 pm

You are correct about the Hokage being capitalized due to it being a Rank/Title but all of Spica's other corrections ring true.

I'll also press Spica's statement on Text Walls: If you ever press the Enter key, you're making a new paragraph and it needs to have an empty line between the new paragraph and the old. Also note that paragraphs can contain more than one sentence.

The main idea here being that of you broach a new topic or a different person starts talking, you need to put these things in a new paragraph for compartmentalization. If you don't compartmentalize your information or character's speech, then the reader can get lost as to who exactly is talking or what is going on. At best, they might have to reread the text; worse case, they might give up reading your story.

Good luck on continuing your writing and improving.
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Re: Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

Postby Lerris » Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:30 pm

I thought I'd take a wild stab at editing/polishing this in the hope that it would be useful.

SPOILER - Show Spoiler
Minato knew better than to tempt fate, yet he was sure that no day could be worse than the day they had won the war with Iwa. There was so much death on that day. Every death then felt like a slice to his very humanity. He had killed three hundred and seventy nine souls that day with his technique, sparing only the fresh genin smart enough to flee on sight. At the end of it not a spec of his clothing was any less than a dull red or black with blood. So many times that day he had hoped and prayed that his skill would be a little less, that he would be annihilated by his own jutsu, just so he didn't have to kill anymore. His prayers went unanswered.

Today was far worse. Today was the day his firstborn was born a healthy baby boy. Today was the day his son's mother would die, impaled by pure evil. Today was the day he would die sealing that evil into his beloved son and leaving him an orphan. Today was the day his soul would begin being devoured in the heart of the shinigami for his crimes. Today was the day the people would rejoice at his noble victory. His son was named Naruto after the hero in his sensei's story. Tomorrow was the day the people would begin their long struggle to vanquish the evil once and for all, with very few caring about the little hero that would suffer along the way.


At any rate, it is only a fragment, but feel free to use any of it that is useful. The main thing I tried to do was to give gravity and seriousness to how bad the day was... In general most people decide to read a story fairly early on. You will lose most of your readers in chapter one, so you want a good hook to catch their attention...
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Re: Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

Postby Spica75 » Wed Mar 19, 2014 9:27 am

Lord Aries Greymon wrote:
Actually, as far as I can tell, you're wrong on that.
Hokage, is a title, much like "Captain" the rank and the function, or "President" of the USA.

and from everything I've ever been told by my teachers, titles are capitalized.

for example, he's not "Harry, prince of Wales" he's "Harry, Prince of Wales."


On the other claw, if you have proof of me being wrong, feel free to let it out.


After checking it up, i believe i am indeed correct, or at least correct enough not to be wrong:
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/words ... al-letters
http://esl.fis.edu/grammar/rules/capital.htm

B. Harder rules
Capitalise titles that come before names:

I saw President Obama in Macdonalds yesterday.

Have you met Doctor Spock?
.. otherwise do not capitalise them:

Barack Obama is the first black president of the USA.

Spock is a doctor at UCLA.


Ie titles are NOT capitalised unless it´s part of saying someones title and name in a formal manner.
Although i had forgotten about that myself. :mrgreen:

Also, further down:
Below are a few examples of words that may or may be capitalised, depending on personal preference (or an organisational style guide, or teacher requirement).

Professional titles

They have an appointment to see the prime minister.
They have an appointment to see the Prime Minister.


Meaning that this can essentially be a style choice as well.
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Re: Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

Postby WG_Writer » Wed Mar 19, 2014 4:01 pm

as is my understanding title words boil down to 'is vs a' if they are something they are capatilized, if the title is simply stated in reference its not. this also is demonstrated by 'singular vs plural.' Plural is never capitalized such as 'the kings of Europe'.

Keep in mind that some times the title is a proper noun even if the name is not given and as such is titled as with the afore mentioned: "Prince of Wales" you don't need to name Harry, the title itself as a whole "Prince of Wales" identifies a singular.
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Re: Naruto/AMG crossover asking for C&C

Postby Spica75 » Wed Mar 19, 2014 8:31 pm

WG_Writer wrote:as is my understanding title words boil down to 'is vs a' if they are something they are capatilized, if the title is simply stated in reference its not. this also is demonstrated by 'singular vs plural.' Plural is never capitalized such as 'the kings of Europe'.

Keep in mind that some times the title is a proper noun even if the name is not given and as such is titled as with the afore mentioned: "Prince of Wales" you don't need to name Harry, the title itself as a whole "Prince of Wales" identifies a singular.


And like i said, then you´re stating it as a formalised title, with both title and specified "name"("of Wales" is effectively the name in this case).

Anyway, check my links, the .edu one gives a fair coverage which includes just about all(?) i could find elsewhere.
Still, stupid English for all the silly capitalisation all the time. :roll:
Here, names are capitalised and that´s it. That we have over 50 ways of spelling the "sje"-sound is a different matter... :twisted:
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