Temple of Ranma's Sailor Senshi Seifuku

This is a (still quite) rough draft of the chapter. I imagine it's riddled with my usual amount of mechanical errors. Certain sections have gone through several rewrites while others are still pretty rough, structurally.

That said, my main concerns for readers are:

• Ryouga and his character. It's a different take on the character and one that is necessarily skewed, even for this story's universe (i.e. there will be a change in him as we move forward). Similarly, I want his interaction with Ami to have shades of his previous attractions, but reflect a more mature person. I think I have Ami down, but feedback there is always appreciated.


• Makoto and Mousse. It's difficult because I didn't want this reveal of info to be exactly the same as Ryoga and Ami. Second, they are very similar character's personality wise, at least as far as wanting to be honest, but afraid of revealing the Masquerade.


• Ranma and Usagi. I think I've hit the right notes with them, but who knows?

Anyway, here is the Google Doc link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZY8 ... 34rms/edit

I won't copy the text below (unless there is a demand to do so), because it's rather cumbersome to check for italics or other marks that can't be easily converted to BBCode.

Absolutely love it so far. Rather interesting what you've done to Ryoga. But in my opinion he doesn't deserve Ami, lol.

I also really like the pacing of the chapter. The story is developing slowly, but fast enough no to get bored. Too bad you had to stop just when things got really interesting.

Brillant. I really like the contrast between Mousee and Ryouga's character. Definitely interested in Ryouga's back story and motivations. Also very nice character building.

Things are starting to heat up and you showed every character's parts equally giving time to flesh them out and make them more real and tangible. Your characters have very good depth.

Good job and the cliffhanger is killing me.

uragaaru wrote:This is a (still quite) rough draft of the chapter. I imagine it's riddled with my usual amount of mechanical errors. Certain sections have gone through several rewrites while others are still pretty rough, structurally.

That said, my main concerns for readers are:

• Ryouga and his character. It's a different take on the character and one that is necessarily skewed, even for this story's universe (i.e. there will be a change in him as we move forward). Similarly, I want his interaction with Ami to have shades of his previous attractions, but reflect a more mature person. I think I have Ami down, but feedback there is always appreciated.

Time for some overall comments I guess...
I will say without doubt that discrete math was the hardest thing I ever attempted in college (I passed, though... whew). To be taking an upper division class as an underclassman shows a lot more mental ability than Ryouga gives himself credit for here. Will be interesting how Ami takes "P-chan" too (and there does seem a storm a brewin' ).

uragaaru wrote:

• Makoto and Mousse. It's difficult because I didn't want this reveal of info to be exactly the same as Ryoga and Ami. Second, they are very similar character's personality wise, at least as far as wanting to be honest, but afraid of revealing the Masquerade.

Interesting relationship here. Don't worry about similarities, Makoto is a tomboy... Ami isn't, for one thing. Also Ryouga and Ami are not as open expressing a lot of feelings (beyond P-chan's hatred of Ranma of course :p) Also nice to see Makoto being open about her 'hobby' with her new boyfriend. Training with Mousse as Jupiter is a nice concept, and you showed him getting a bit the worse of it (as opposed to the reverse, where Makoto would have her rear handed to her in short order...). Everything perfectly set up Mousse wanting to confess his curse to Makoto... cue rainstorm. The life of the Jusenkyou cursed is fraught with peril, indeed!

uragaaru wrote:

• Ranma and Usagi. I think I've hit the right notes with them, but who knows?

As some vanquished foes on SM TV said (before dying) 'lovely...' I really enjoyed seeing the interaction between these two. You spotlit their similarities very well. The fact they are both in a steady relationship removes a lot of the tension Ranma would still probably feel around... girls. Things were going so well... then there was the evil... Cliffhanger. Of course the fact that Usagi may well be the reincarnation of Ranma's SM mother will be an interesting bridge to cross. But a solid foundation for their relationship was laid upon all the buffet plates they cleaned off together. Hmm... I wonder who cleaned off the 'just one more' plate?

uragaaru wrote:Anyway, here is the Google Doc link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZY8 ... 34rms/edit

I won't copy the text below (unless there is a demand to do so), because it's rather cumbersome to check for italics or other marks that can't be easily converted to BBCode.

Hear hear! After seeing what Google Docs offers, I will probably follow suit. It is painful to format bold and italics for posting here. And now that 'stupid quotes' are off on for me Google Docs, so much the better!

Posted comments throughout the Docs page. Some more here now:

Ryouga and his character. It's a different take on the character and one that is necessarily skewed, even for this story's universe (i.e. there will be a change in him as we move forward). Similarly, I want his interaction with Ami to have shades of his previous attractions, but reflect a more mature person. I think I have Ami down, but feedback there is always appreciated.

Ryouga could be fine but as the story is currently structured it doesn't work for me. How did he change so much? How did we get there? And honestly if you wanted to make that more of a question maybe I would care about hearing that answer...If he had any sort of redeeming qualities or acted at all concerned about something. Even being an ass while being nice would've worked. Him offering to pay for Ranma to fly to Jusenkyo for a cure, help buy her nicer clothes, etc. would all make me feel at least a little better about him. You kind of went way too far on him though and made him too sleazy and too hateable. He needs work and a bit of a nicer side...Or at the least more of why he's so different. The changes are a bit overly jarring.

As to Ami that seemed to work ok. I do think she'd be quite a bit more off put by him acting like an ass to some random girl, even if she might have been his last girlfriend.

but afraid of revealing the Masquerade.

That was kind of a big problem for me. No one seemed to be afraid of revealing anything here. They all seemed way too casual about things. In one way that's nice as you don't have to spend a lot of time lingering. In another not so much. Kind of feels weird.

Ranma and Usagi. I think I've hit the right notes with them, but who knows?

This worked pretty well indeed. Though I think Ranma taking Usagi into some store that would've made her as uncomfortable as shopping for dresses did for her would be a nice addition. Maybe some antique shop with lots of swords, weapons, or other such gear? That'd be a neat scene too. See how Usagi deals with that.

Overall some nice work. Though some more work on characterization I think would be beneficial across the board. Especially in regards to Ryoga.