Rinne

[LawOhki]

I'm skipping over Ranma/Kaede arriving at the shrine because that little scene doesn't really have me worried. For a summary, Kaede asks Ranma what he would do if it was his last day alive, just because it was being neglected the curse is activated by some random water source. As they walk along the long line of torii Ranma notices the words are all wrong. Spell kicks in to transport him and the last thing he sees is Kaede watching impassively.

Not shown is that Ranma goes through a lay over realm where anything not from it is destroyed. So clothing and the dragon whisker are going bye bye. (Though the dragon whisker will wear off so not an issue.)

This stuff though is much more difficult then just another little convo between those two I want more time to get feedback on it. And if major revisions are needed it won't be as huge a deal. I'm not going to come out and say exactly what's going on but I do want to confirm several things before the chapter ends.

Since I'll be getting into Naruto before it went kind of full on retarded for power scale, Ranma is a very serious threat in terms of straight of skill. But loses to exotic techniques or numbers. But he's not top dog and the Konoha ninja can be just as good or better.

First scene should be enough to answer most questions on the title.

Rest of it I'd love to know ways to make things clearer from the Konoha perspective. (Being that they just had someone who feels exactly like the Kyuubi appearing next to Naruto)

-------------

Ranma stirred, her mind foggy as she tried to get her bearings. Her memory was hazy, the last thing she remembered was Kaede watching impassively as the world vanished around her. There was something else that came after it but it was escaping her grasp. Laying on a cold hard surface, she struggled against a strange pressure weighing on her mind to come out of her stupor.

“Wake up.” A deep masculine voice pleaded.

Her red eyes fluttered open, feeling a warm and powerful presence overwhelming the cold of the floor. “Bwa?” She rose to a sitting position and stared at the massive gilded barred door before her. Ranma couldn’t make anything out past the bars the small amount of light in the room was being swallowed up by an impenetrable darkness.

“Oh good you’re awake.” The man’s voice reached her again.

“Who’s there?” She asked, rising to her feet unsteadily before looking around the room. The roof was nearly fifteen meters high and the width was about the same. The only way out was a normal sized door directly across the room from the bars.

“I am.” He called out and Ranma finally saw the man standing between two of the bars, a wall of black behind him.

“Where am I?” She asked, cautiously moving towards him. There was something about him that was incredibly familiar.

Standing nearly two meters in height, he had a slim build, and his facial features reminded her a little of herself. Save the two dark markings around his red vertically slitted eyes that extended slightly towards his pointed ears. Long orange hair draped down past his shoulders in a wild spiky mane. Wearing only a black vest and matching pants, it was easy to lose his body in the background.

“There isn’t much time.” He said impatiently, noticing her scrutiny. “Please, remove this seal.” He pointed upwards to a piece of paper pressed against the lock of the bars with an intricate pattern printed on it.

“Who are you?” Ranma’s curiosity was getting the better of her. If she was a man right now it would be almost like looking in a mirror.

“Now isn’t the time for such questions. If you don’t free me soon then he’ll come.” He explained with far more urgency in his voice and a little anger.

“Who will come?” She asked and his face twisted into a scowl.

Out of nowhere an intense feeling of hatred hit her like a physical blow. “I said remove the seal!” He yelled, his body vanishing in a large puff of smoke before she had to leap backwards to avoid claws larger than her body shooting out between the bars.

“What the hell is that?” She asked herself, running nearly back to the center of the room, and watching the giant pair of red eyes that now glared out at her, unable to see anything else.

“I will have my freedom!” A thick red mist rolling through the bars to head towards her like a living river.

“I’m not helping you now!” Ranma didn’t stick around to play with the mist that was moving towards her. But as soon as she started towards the one way out, the liquid like mist moved with startling speed to cut off her escape. “Well-- shit.” She commented, having nowhere to go to avoid whatever the monster was doing.

The creature chuckled deeply, the mist swirling around her, clearly toying with her. “I know you can feel it too. You belong to me!”

A hand clasped her on the shoulder, nearly making her jump into the air from the shock. Turning around, she only caught a glimpse of blonde hair framing calm blue eyes before everything went black again. A frighteningly loud roar of anger chasing her into unconsciousness.

zx

Naruto woke up in bed and everything was normal. Except for the impossible thing that was laying next to him in bed. Squinting at the figure to see if the form would waver and vanish, it remained as though it was an actual physical being. Shrugging and deciding not to worry about the impossible thing, he went to make himself a nice hot breakfast of instant ramen noodles.

His hunger sated, he returned to his room, and surveyed that impossible thing that was now partially entwined with his blankets. Rubbing at the side of his head, he wondered what he should do about the thing that should not be. The thing that was snoring and laying in his bed.

“Oi.” He reached out a hand to touch the woman with wild unbound red hair after she turned onto her side. His hand never made it as he froze up at the view now afforded to him. The sleeveless green gi top had opened up enough to show off her generous bust. Moaning cutely, she shifted one of her long toned legs up towards her body.

‘So-- so hot!’ He quickly ran out of the room and back in. ‘Okay just calm down, there is an incredibly hot red head in your bed and you have no clue how she got there. What now?’ Cursing that he didn’t have a camera he paced back and forth in frustration.

Taking in a deep breath, Naruto firmed his resolve, and reached out to shake her shoulder. “Oi, wake up.” He was not expecting for a dainty hand to snag him by the wrist and throw him face first into the wall.

“What did you do that for?” He demanded, jumping back from the surprisingly forceful impact. The only answer he got was a unfeminine snort and the woman rolling over to wrap herself up further in his blankets.

“Wake up!” He shouted and slammed both hands down on the bed, bouncing her upwards nearly a meter in the air. Two wild red eyes snapped open and found his own blue ones immediately.

“What are you--.” He never got to finish his question as one of her bare legs snapped out to kick him square in the face.

zx

“What the hell am I wearing?!” Ranma cried out, looking down at the highly modified gi she had been dressed in. “It’s so--.” She picked at some of the silken fabric that instead of folding over to completely cover her chest instead was left open to emphasize it. “Ugh it’s like some kind of fetish cosplay.” The bottom barely went past her crotch but it was a small mercy to her very underdeveloped sense of feminine modesty that she had tight black shorts on underneath.

Pausing after a few creative curses for the one who decided to play dress up while she had been out, Ranma finally paid attention to the small blond kid she had knocked out. Halfway embedded in the wall, one leg occasionally twitching, it reminded Ranma of something Akane might do.

“You alright kid?” She asked worriedly, hoping she hadn’t crippled someone from an instinctive reaction. Hearing a pained groan, she carefully pulled him free of the wall. “You good?” She asked the young boy who looked to be about eleven with a set of three whisker like marks on each cheek.

“Mo wamen pwease.” He whimpered before collapsing to the floor in a heap.

“Yea you’ll be fine.” She nodded and patted him on the head before inspecting her surroundings. Just a small apartment filled with cheap knick knacks and littered with clothing, scrolls, and a handful of used instant ramen cups.

Looking out a set of windows, she blinked several times in confusion at the strange mix of building styles that filled her view. It was like someone took a style from a bunch of different cultures and just threw them together then put some vaguely Japanese touches to try and tie everything together.

“Hey Kaede! This joke isn’t funny anymore. Get rid of this stupid illusion already!” She called out, feeling uncomfortable with the unfamiliar city. “Kaede?” She asked with much less force when there was no response.

Two men wearing white animal masks dropped down to a nearby roof, both brandishing several short knives in each hand. Waving one of her hands at the pair and chuckling nervously, her well honed sense that told her when bad things were about to happen was informing her that this might not be her day.

“Yipe!” Grabbing the blond kid, she ducked through the bedrooms doorway moments before the window exploded from dozens of bladed weapons plowing through it. Her bare feet skidded on the wooden floor upon finding another masked man preparing to throw a very large shuriken at her.

“Release him!” The masked man shouted as he threw the weapon.

“Sure thing, but can’t we talk about this?” She asked, dodging the weapon, and sliding the boy into a small washroom to the side. The answer she received was the masked man attempting to stab her in the face. Flowing around his attack to get behind him, she jumped up, and planted a kick to his back that sent him flying through the doorway to tumble into the window frame.

“See ya kid!” She called out upon seeing even more masked men leaping up to land on a small ledge outside the window. “Now which way is the exit out of this nuthouse?” She added before rushing through the door, several throwing knives and shuriken slamming into the wall behind her as she rounded the corner.

zx

Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Sandaime Hokage, a man far too old to carry the title carefully inspected the seal on Naruto’s stomach while trusting the ninja of his village to handle matters outside. Having studied the seal in depth it was easy to see that something had tweaked it. The eight trigrams seal, a combination seal forming a spiral in the center with eight characters spaced around it had gained two more characters as well as a dashed circle around the original seal. He had expected the seal keeping the Kyuubi to be weakened by releasing a piece of itself, but he could find no evidence of this.

Satisfied that Naruto was not in any immediate danger and that the full force of the Kyuubi would not be awaked this day, he turned to a nearby ANBU member wearing a dog mask. “Where is it now?”

“Squads three through eight are engaging it at training ground twelve. Evacuation of civilians in the nearby area is almost complete with Jounin preparing to assist in the Kyuubi’s destruction.” The ANBU member answered with a brief nod of his head.

“I’ll be there momentarily, inform the squad commanders that it is to be captured, intact if possible.” Sarutobi narrowed his eyes at Naruto’s sleeping form. He needed to know the purpose of this change to the seal.

“Hokage-sama.” The ANBU sounded uncertain but left without questioning him.

Following at a slower pace over the rooftops of Konoha, he carefully drew the new seal that had been placed on Naruto for further study later. Even without knowing the location, he could feel the Kyuubi’s weakening presence as the Bijuu in human form struggled against Konoha’s forces. Something about it was off though. The Kyuubi was a creature of pure malice, a living element of destruction. But the avatar fighting for her life lacked that, even in the midst of combat, the majority of the destruction he was passing had been caused by Sarutobi’s own forces.

Arriving at training ground twelve, a quarry that had been converted for the purpose of training Doton techniques, the heavy stone making excellent practice material for earthen manipulations. Another ANBU with a hawk mask approached him as soon as he had appeared.

“Casualties?” Sarutobi asked gravely.

“None Hokage-sama.” The ANBU answered with surprise in his tone. “A great deal of broken bones and some injuries that could be life threatening without treatment but no deaths. She isn’t using any ninjutsu, only physical attacks.”

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, he had expected there to be a long list of families he would have had to send death notices to. He had not yet seen the Kyuubi’s avatar but he had been expecting a frightening visage when instead he found an innocent looking young girl with long unbound red hair. Surrounding her like a forest were hundreds of kunai, shuriken, and other more exotic throwing weapons.

She was hunched over, arms hanging limply with a pair of kunai barely held by her fingers. Since her clothing consisted of just a modified martial arts gi, he could see bloodied cuts covering her bare arms and legs. Her knees buckled briefly before she attempted to stand up straight, clearly struggling to hold herself upright.

“Kurenai.” He called out and the kunoichi appeared before him in a brief swirl of leaves. “Please end this before she dies from chakra exhaustion or blood loss. I need her alive.” The black haired woman nodded and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Sarutobi caught sight of the Jounin appearing closer to the Kyuubi avatar. Kurenai was a master of genjutsu and at this point was best suited to subduing the other female. After the woman performed a few hand seals, the avatar responded immediately to the mind technique, and dropped to the ground like a puppet whose strings had been cut.

“I want her secured, alive, and ready for questioning as soon as possible.” He ordered to the ANBU commander.

[ijp92]

Well Kaede's a bitch (or at least whoever she answers to is).

On the other hand it seems that Ranma is definately connected to the kitsune.

As for Kohona's perspective: put more exposisition on Sarutobi POV. Like how they first noticed something was wrong. And possibly stretch out the fight scene scenes to add more thoughts. But only enough that you are not repeating yourself. You could also use next chapter to build on what the leaf-nin think.

[Dumbledork]

Hmmm. Still in the dark here. I really want to know how Kaede, the Kyuubi and Ranma are related to each other.

Did Ranma get some of the Kyuubi's abilities?

[Konsaki]

I'm taking a wild guess here but I think one of three things:
1 - The curse is a female kitsune
2 - Either Nodoka or Genma is a kitsune
3 - Neither of the above are his parents and he's a transposed Kitsune from the Naruto-verse which replaced the original Ranma, most likely as a baby in the hospital or during the neko-ken event.

[LawOhki]

Well Kaede's a bitch (or at least whoever she answers to is).

On the other hand it seems that Ranma is definately connected to the kitsune.

As for Kohona's perspective: put more exposisition on Sarutobi POV. Like how they first noticed something was wrong. And possibly stretch out the fight scene scenes to add more thoughts. But only enough that you are not repeating yourself. You could also use next chapter to build on what the leaf-nin think.

Being that i admitted it on another forum, Ranma is the reincarnation of the kyuubis yin chakra, and feels the same sans all the evil.

Since the next chapter will deal with what is going on I could just stick with Ranmas POV and not let the reader know why all these people are out to kill him

I'm taking a wild guess here but I think one of three things:
1 - The curse is a female kitsune
2 - Either Nodoka or Genma is a kitsune
3 - Neither of the above are his parents and he's a transposed Kitsune from the Naruto-verse which replaced the original Ranma, most likely as a baby in the hospital or during the neko-ken event.

No to all three. Although Nodoka does have an innocent hand in things.

[ijp92]

so when does Ranma learn that he's stuck as a she?

You did mention that nothing from Ranma's world that doesn't exist in Naruto's world made the trip and even took time to mention the dragon's whisker (basically a magic piece of string).
So I'm thinking no magic means no curse.

[LawOhki]

so when does Ranma learn that he's stuck as a she?

You did mention that nothing from Ranma's world that doesn't exist in Naruto's world made the trip and even took time to mention the dragon's whisker (basically a magic piece of string).
So I'm thinking no magic means no curse.

Ranma isn't stuck as a girl. It's a thing with the realm where they passed through. The one who made it decreed that nothing human can exist there, even humans.

It's possible that Ranma and Kaede may have ended up getting a wee bit tipsy and terrorized the town.

[ranmas]

Ranma isn't stuck as a girl. It's a thing with the realm where they passed through. The one who made it decreed that nothing human can exist there, even humans.

Hmm, now that I did see coming. I thought it was interesting how you put the way in which Ranma lost his cloths and what not, and made me wonder if Ranma was now just a being of chakra due to his lay over in that other realm. I have to admit I didn't quite pin Ranma as being a reincarnated kyubi.

[LawOhki]

Hmm, now that I did see coming. I thought it was interesting how you put the way in which Ranma lost his cloths and what not, and made me wonder if Ranma was now just a being of chakra due to his lay over in that other realm. I have to admit I didn't quite pin Ranma as being a reincarnated kyubi.

Actually I should have said anything non-kitsune cannot exist. (And if a human remains there long enough they'll turn into an actual fox. If they can live 100 years then they become a kitsune.) Ranma was only there for about a minute though so that didn't happen.

[LawOhki]

And now for the after drunk scene.

----

The next morning

It was a beautiful and warm summer day with a pleasant breeze and just a few puffy clouds high in the sky. But Ranma paid very little attention to those details. He knew that Kaede had noticed his attention and he hadn’t made a real attempt to hide it. But as they arrived at the shrine by train, he couldn’t help but keep his eyes on the blonde girl.

Last night, his low tolerance for alcohol had been proven once again. He had woken up with Kaede in the lone bed of their hotel room with no memory of the prior evening's activities but still fully clothed. Waking up with a girl at his side was honestly not that strange of an occurrence and they had woken up at nearly the same time. He had been about to stutter an apology just to try and avoid any Akane-like reaction when he had noticed her shocked expression. As well as a large pair of blonde furred triangular ears on the top of her head that flicked once. They appeared for only an instant and in the next she looked completely normal.

While he was confident that had not been seeing things, he had no clue how to discuss the oddity. So that left him impotently trying to figure out what was going on. A byproduct of how they had waken up was that Kaede had gone completely silent and gave him the cold shoulder. So on top of the mystery, his reason for the trip wasn’t happening.

The trip company or whoever organized this had supplied them with matching yukatas to wear for the activities they had planned for the day. His was a slightly darker shade of blue but they were both decorated with the same two tomoe symbol spattered randomly on the fabric. Ranma found the use of a symbol so much like a yin-yang taijitu to be a little too convenient but the sooner they got through this boring trip to the shrine the sooner they could get back to training. (1)

“Kaede.” He finally decided to ask the girl and maybe clear the air.

“What is it?” She asked, turning to look in his direction but not directly at him.

“Did you have--.” He scratched at his chin before putting both hands up to the top of his head. “Ears this morning?” He finished.

Her eyes widened imperceptibly in response and she quickly reached up to pat her ears. “What kind of question is that? You must have vastly overrated your tolerance if you were still seeing things in the morning. Aren’t you more worried about how we ended up in the same bed?” She quickly changed the subject.

“Well no not really.” He dropped his hands to his side.

“Well I am! My family is very traditional and if anything happened then it could mean big trouble!”

“But nothing happened!” He protested loudly, earning a few looks from the small amount of people on the way to visit the shrine this early in the morning. “And your parents and definitely not my fiancees need to ever know it happened.” He said much quieter.

“Agreed.” She nodded quickly and sighed. “Let’s hurry, so we can beat the crowd.” She suggested more cheerfully.

“Same.” He agreed in time to be hit in the face with water by an old woman dousing the walkway.

“Oh-- I’m sorry dear.” The short elderly woman apologized slowly, head and body shaking slightly as she dipped her ladle down into a bucket to retrieve more water. “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.”

Ranma just stared down at the old woman, unconsciously adjusting her clothing to try and lift the bottom off the ground and retie her obi. “Maybe aim lower next time.” She said slowly.

“Maybe.” The old woman answered absently, splashing even more water on the stone. “You two seem a good pair.”

Giving up on the senile old woman, she turned back to Kaede. “You see anyplace around here where I could get some hot water to change back?”

The blonde was analyzing her closely enough that she didn’t immediately respond. “If you stayed like that it would stop comments about us being a couple.” She pointed out.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt-- for a little while.” Ranma had heard a few remarks like that and she knew that eventually Shampoo, Ukyo, and maybe Akane or Kodachi could be tracking her down at any moment. This would look less incriminating when that finally happened. And if she remembered correctly there were a lot of fountains around the shrine so this would preempt another activation of the curse.

“Come on, we’re supposed to meet up at the first shrine down the path.” Kaede left her to head towards the two rows of red torii that headed up the hill. Ranma followed, briefly wondering who they were supposed to meet and why they would want to so far away from the entrance.

“What’s the rush?” She asked, catching up as Kaede slowed to a stop upon entering the right path. Glancing at the company names engraved on the hundreds of torii in just her field of view, she felt like she was going down a tunnel with how many of the red arches lined the path. Ranma nearly bumped into Kaede’s back as the blonde stopped suddenly to stare forward. “Is being weird normal for you?” She asked curiously.

“Ranma-dono, if this was your last day alive, what would you want to do?” Kaede asked seriously, turning to stare directly into her eyes.

“Not get asked dumb questions.” She replied flippantly.

“Tell me.” Kaede demanded, shoulders stiffening.

“Well--.” Ranma scratched at the side of her head. “Guess I would have liked to have slept in to start, breakfast could have been better, and more of it.”

“I’m serious.” The girl before her looked ready to deliver a slap for her response.

“Me too.” Shrugging she didn’t see anything wrong with what she had said. “If it really was my last day alive-- I’d rather not know it. So what would be so wrong with enjoying things that I enjoy doing?”

“You’re not different-- you’re just dumb.” She snorted and resumed her quick pace down the path.

“Dumb?” Ranma asked herself. “Dumb?!” She yelled and ran after the blonde. “If you think you’re so smart than what would you do if this was your last day alive? Huh?” Ranma ran in front of Kaede with a burst of speed. “You ask me that kind of stupid question out of nowhere and insult me over it!” She yelled into the other females passive face.

“I apologize Ranma-dono, it was not my place to ask such a thing.” Kaede apologized and slowly raised a hand to lightly tap Ranma in the center of her chest.

Ranma barely realized what was going on before the blonde’s hand touched her. The chakra enhanced touched sent her flying several meters down the line of torii. Sliding to a stop she groaned and quickly rose back to her feet. “What did you do that for?” She yelled.

Kaede didn’t answer other than to clasp her hands together in a strange sign. Ranma felt the air around her explode in power, her vision distorting as she collapsed to her knees. Her ears rang and she clutched at her head, trying desperately to keep out the heavy thrumming that shook her entire body.

Attempting to crawl away from the area, the last thing Ranma saw was Kaede changing hand signs, and watching impassively as the world appeared to melt away.

[Dumbledork]

Okay, so this is the scene before the previous one. Very good, but I have a really hard time understanding Kaede. I have no idea what her goal is or why she asked Ranma that strange question, but I'm sure we'll find out later.

[LawOhki]

Okay, so this is the scene before the previous one. Very good, but I have a really hard time understanding Kaede. I have no idea what her goal is or why she asked Ranma that strange question, but I'm sure we'll find out later.

Kaede is a polite, caring, and pleasant young kitsune who is unfortunately stuck in a promise made long before she was born to help the Kyuubi. And kitsune absolutely have to keep to their promises and if worded properly carries down to their family. When she reappears in Konoha more details about her backstory and kitsune in general will be given.

And her question, if the "plan" had worked, then Ranma would have been killed.

[Dumbledork]

So, Ranma was nothing more than a sacrifice?

[LawOhki]

So, Ranma was nothing more than a sacrifice?

Basically yes.

[Konsaki]

So on top of the mystery, his reason for "going on" the trip wasn’t happening.

Suggest rewording. It is technically correct but second half 'sounds' clunky without the "going on" or something similar.

Glancing at the company names engraved on the hundreds of torii in just her field of view...

That's some really good vision...

Attempting to crawl away from the area, the last thing Ranma saw was Kaede changing hand signs, and watching impassively as the world appeared to melt away.

This last line feels weird to me. I keep wanting to change it in my head to read something like this:
The last thing Ranma saw as she attempted to crawl away was Kaeda flashing through different hand signs and the blonde's "COLOR" eyes watching impassively as the world seemed to finally melt away to darkness/nothingness/light.