Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

This is for posting Fiction and C&C replies ONLY. Note this does not have to be a "fukufic" or even fanfiction. All completed /ready-for0review longform creative writing allowed. No posting of individual scenes; that is what the Outlines and Scenes section is for.Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sun Dec 24, 2017 12:13 am

I started writing The Return over a decade ago.
And beyond the normal "early installment weirdness", I'd like to think my writing skills have advanced since then.

Writing Blood Debts also had me go back to the start of things.... and I realized that with some key revisions I could improve the early chapters and that there actually was a complete arc.

And the first part of this revision process is

Brooding Responsibilities Book One of the Return can be read here
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2033
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Mon Jan 08, 2018 2:53 am

Kasumi simply grinned.



The redhead looked over at the girl and shrugged. What did she have to lose? Sighing, she began her story. Ranma still remembered walking into the vast warehouse. The martial artist was surprised to find the center of the floor covered in an intricate collection of symbols and shapes, and in the center of it all was a woman carefully examining the last few designs.





***************



Setsuna Meiou watched the progress of the transference.

Feels like there is a scene break missing between the first paragraphs.

How can someone's attitude change from merciless executioner to, if not affection, then professional courtesy, overnight?

Interestingly enough, lacks a point about her mistaking him for a bloodthirsty demon out to eat her family.
Being accused of something he didn't do would be a very familiar territory for Ranma, and thus, realistically, he wouldn't be having these thoughts.
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1376
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Mon Jan 08, 2018 5:23 am

P.P.S. Interestingly enough, this situation makes Usagi and chibi-Usa more like sisters. They are related by blood but Usagi never gave birth to her and never will.
Or... How do you call your mother's sister? Are they cousins now?

was a tabletop hockey game.

Hey, I remember having one in my childhood! :D

'That might not be possible.

Wrong opening quotation mark.

Originally serving as a storage bay for snow plows and salt trucks,

Ouch. I now feel bad for the poor snow removal guys. Are they now housed in some inconvenient place?
By the way, did you know that the vast majority of sidewalk cleaning in Moscow is done using tractors? https://youtu.be/v9hjoxavKk4?t=19 They now protect pedestrian-only zones with rows of concrete hemispheres a car couldn't drive through but a tractor could.
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1376
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Tue Jan 09, 2018 8:30 pm

Nope. There's no problem with she scene breaks. That paragraph is Ranma still interacting with Kasumi as she's' remembering and telling her story to Kasumi.

Well.... Familiar for the canonical Ranma /after/ being in Nerima long enough to have had Ryoga, and Ukyou, and Shampoo, and al the others that showed up to accuse Ranma for various crimes.
So the familiar territory may not be there as much.

As Sestuna explained for the Mamoru thing She got a sperm sample from Mamoru. Which means that Usagi can still be impregnated and give birth to CHibi-Usa

Yeah, would the snow cleaning equipment would be a bit further out in some other building.

Sorry, I totally munged up the formatting of this original post. Had to trim it down.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2033
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Dumbledork » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:50 am

I'm reading the revised version at the moment and I noticed that you repeated in chapter 3 the description of Ranma's school uniform which you have already done in chapter 2. You should remove the one in chapter 3.
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 3332
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:03 pm

"And a guy turning into a redhead isn't?"

Funny how for us Ranma fans "redhead" came to mean "girl", but if you look at this phrase with neutral outsider's eyes... :lol:
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1376
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Wed Jan 10, 2018 8:46 pm

Dumbledork wrote:I'm reading the revised version at the moment and I noticed that you repeated in chapter 3 the description of Ranma's school uniform which you have already done in chapter 2. You should remove the one in chapter 3.


Dang. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong spot but what I found was

Chapter 2 wrote:"This," Setsuna said, clicking to the next slide. On it was a rather voluptuous redheaded woman. She was wearing something that almost looked like a Senshi uniform. Her black leather knee-high boots were not terribly unusual, given the group's esoteric mix of high heels, knee-highs, sandals, Mary-Janes, and what could have almost passed for ballet slippers. While having a rather high heel on them — almost five inches — these were not simple shoes, but actual, to use an expression, shit-kickers.

The red-trimmed black leather skirt was about right, although it was even shorter than usual. The top was something else entirely. Resembling a bikini, it used purple and red ribbons to keep it in place. She also had the standard jewelry, although the stones in her earrings and tiara were pure obsidian orbs. Her hair, reaching to mid-back, was a dark, almost blood color. Her makeup was slightly more elaborate than the normal for a Senshi, and meshed very well with her violet eyes.


Chapter 3 wrote:It was a seifuku. While it was not the overly skimpy parody that the Senshi preferred, it was still very form-fitting and revealing. It was similar to the Furinkan girl's uniform of purple pleated skirt, white blouse, blue woman's tie, blue jacket and beret, but with a few key differences. Her version was tighter on her frame than normal, was darker in the skirt and jacket, and had a black blouse, black military beret, and red tie. She also wore calf-high leather boots and fishnet stockings.


Which I'm saying are different enough.
Now, I easily could have repeated myself, but I haven't found it.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2033
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:11 am

Which I'm saying are different enough.

You are doing it right. Such important details should be, preferably, reminded again once in a while.
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1376
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Thu Jan 11, 2018 4:37 am

The youma, pale imitators her school offended her.

Something is missing

ask some woman tog et cursed

a typo

on a several thousand aces of pastureland

acrEs?

As he took of his coat

off?
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1376
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:07 pm

The youma, pale imitators her school offended her. //Something is missing



[How about: She had let her demonic senses fold out, despite the distance she could smell the invaders. Youma, pale imitators, infesting her school offended her.

[Thanks for the comments.
[I've updated my master copies of the chapter
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2033
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:50 am

Feels like I missed another 1:
The tracked mass transit car stopped at the where the road intersected with Saint Patrick Street

at the ??? where the

was the barren land of southern Mongolia. The nearest city,

Herein lies a tiiiny problem. Takahashi chose the location for Jusenkyou for being a spot of paranormal activity, but the landscape there is nothing like what is drawn in the manga (which is a cliche image of, I think, southern China).
A thorough fanfiction author who does his research has to be as vague as possible in describing georgaphical landmarks :)

A few minutes later, the women gave a sigh of relief as she

women plural, yes ? :(

Ch.7
This was not some girl that was hitting on her this was her flesh and blood.

Feels like it needs a comma, or to be split to 2 sentences.

It's a damn good thing I have a backup plan.

Great last words to end a chapter :D

...Cheb learned the world "puce". It's supper effective!
I think I had a sheet of flock paper of that color in my childhood.

...withhold my thoughts on the rewrite as a whole for after that mess with Nabiki.
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1376
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Cheb » Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:24 am

Ch.8
They've analyzed the sensors and they are the same sub-Pattern as Akane was.

For the storytelling purposes this is fine, but *how* do they know Akane's sub-pattern? Kasumi's handheld device, I believe, doesn't provide such detail, and then purity of the sample must have been lost when Nariko turned Eclipse. Akane got to the facility with its scanners when she was already modified.

Like a child eating an apple, she tried to bite off as much as she could.

Now this is a cute and endearing description :D
Proud owner of 1.5 kilograms of Germanium transistors
Cheb
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1376
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:27 pm

Edit: Clearing up my reply so it's not so jumbled.


The tracked mass transit car stopped at the where the road intersected with Saint Patrick Street //at the ??? where the


""The tracked mass transit car stopped where the road intersected with Saint Patrick Street.""


Not much of a problem with the depiction of China. I mean that is still well to the north of the Springs, and still outside of China.

As you said, some shrugging has to be done to match up the unreality of Takahashi's depiction of China



learned the world "puce". It's supper effective! I think I had a sheet of flock paper of that color in my childhood.


It is an... interesting color.




Good point on Kasumi's handheld device not having the ability to make such scans.
Let's give a minor change then

"The Colonel, Ma'am. They've found a nest of demons. They're getting ready to go in. They've analyzed the sensors and they're close to sub-Pattern from Akane's first detailed scan, before Ranma's influence started shifting her signature."
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2033
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Dumbledork » Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:22 am

Finally finished reading the revision. I really enjoyed it. The Alexia story arc is my favorite one. I just hope that you'll get rid of the whole Ami going rogue plot from the revised version. That's what made me lose interest in the original. I simply don't think it's a good idea. But it's your story, I'm just giving my opinion.
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

Dumbledork 3:16
Dumbledork
User avatar
Prism Power Senshi
Posts: 3332
 

Re: Return Revised Book One: Brooding Responibilties

Postby Sunshine Temple » Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:08 pm

Dumbledork

Finally finished reading the revision. I really enjoyed it. The Alexia story arc is my favorite one. I just hope that you'll get rid of the whole Ami going rogue plot from the revised version. That's what made me lose interest in the original. I simply don't think it's a good idea. But it's your story, I'm just giving my opinion.

[Thanks! And thanks for the FF.net review
[Glad you enjoyed it.

[Sorry to disappoint but the Ami plot is staying in. It's a rather key part of the story.
[But thanks again for reading.
Sunshine Temple
User avatar
Site Mistress
Posts: 2033
 

Next

Return to Stories and C&C

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users