I don't think I said it outright before, but this story has my interest. It's just hard for me to comment so early in the story, where not much has developed and there are still so many possibilities for where the story could go. (And it's so F-ing hard to F-ing highlight with this F-ing piece of crap for a mouse. >_< )
Anyway, I thought I'd unhelpfully poke at some stuff that could be addressed in the last two posts of the story.
Standing in front of a mirror inside the furo changing room with Kagome, Ranma stood next to the other girl checking to see if they did in fact look like twins.
There were a multitude of problems with this sentence, both small and not so small, so I'm going to write down the suggested changes and only address a few particular problems specifically. Suggested change: Ranma stood in front of the changing room mirror, next to Kagome, as they both checked to see if they actually looked like twins.
The first problem worth noting was the changing room being a possessive of the furo, which is odd. If I had to guess, you're trying to establish exactly what kind of changing room they're in. While a room being connected to an object of another room might help the less knowledgeable folks, it's weird and inaccurate. It's better to connect the room with another room in this context, so it would be the furoba's changing room. Of course, this doesn't need to be addressed so soon, while the main subject is about two girls studying their reflection in a mirror, so it can be saved for a more appropriate time and place.
Another problem was the redundant action regarding Ranma standing. There's no need to tell us that he was standing beside Kagome when the standing part was already established. It also avoids an unnecessary descriptor ("the other girl") in the same sentence.
It may just be me and my lack of expertise, but the three prepositions tightly packed before the first comma didn't look/sound right. "Inside the furo changing room" fixed that up when removed, but to make up for the loss of location I attached it to the mirror.
hot soapy water
I'm thinking these adjectives need a comma. Or, maybe switch 'em around instead. I'm not sure. ;/
Ranma dipped her fingers into the furo to check it’s temperature
It's should be its, since it's a possessive.
Her time as a man had been woefully short in the past two weeks, only three days in the past two weeks
Instead of repeating "past two weeks," it'd be better to say something like "during/within that time (frame)." I'd also suggest changing the comma to a colon, as it seems more appropriate with how the beginning of the sentence is phrased.
stuck a girl
Stuck as a girl.
exterior door
I'm not sure what this is referring to. If we're talking about a pair of shouji doors that both separate the same spaces (hence, you can see both from either side), it's unnecessary to distinguish one side from the other, since they do the same job.
huge white tackle box
I'm going to guess that the adjectives need a comma. I'm not sure since it can be a white tackle box and a huge tackle box, but it sounds odd if I were to call it a white, huge tackle box instead of the way it's currently laid out.
with first aid printed
I think you need quotations for "first aid." Like so.
the girls desire
This is a possessive, so an apostrophe is required here.
“No you can’t, just relax I’ve taken a class.”
Suggestion: "No, you can't. Just relax: I've taken a class."
The first part, "no you can't," is not directly connected to the rest, so there shouldn't be a comma connecting it to "just relax." Just relax is connected to the following statement, so you need punctuation so "I've taken a class" doesn't make it a run-on sentence. Or you can change the structure to avoid said punctuation, in which case I'd suggest: "No, you can't. You can relax because I've taken a class." Or: "No, you can't. I've taken a class, so you can relax."
legitimate girl
I think we can do without this odd and unnecessary descriptor.
“This does look really good, what did you say happened?”
I'd replace the comma with a period.
another ugly scar.
Ranma has an ugly scar?
His perfect chance to get the jewel and finally become a full demon. Ruined because he took it easy on the girl because she looked like Kikyo!
I'm going to guess that the period was used to express a pause instead of a stop, since beginning a sentence with remnants of another idea is odd, so that requires different punctuation. I believe either a comma or ellipses would suffice.
Also, I'd recommend not using two "because" in the same breath. You can probably get away with it if you use a comma after "girl," and adding "just" after that.
looked out over a vast fortress
the impossible size of this castle complex
I don't recall the size of the buildings and premises, but that makes it sound like the Forbidden City or something to me. XD At least, I'd expect Inu-Yasha to have seen larger -- as well as actual -- fortresses and castles.
A young boy, the mother, a father, an old man, and the wench who started all of this.
This is lacking a subject, or something. The prior sentence either needs to end using punctuation that connects it to this one (such as: "him, consisting of"), or you can start the sentence in question with "What he saw (before him) was" instead.
short elderly man
Another comma-adjective thing I'm unsure of.
“Let me touch em next!”
Em needs an apostrophe.
The boy slide to the side, grabbed Inuyasha’s outstretched arm before pulling him forward, and kicking out his legs.
Slid, instead of slide. Kicked, instead of kicking.
