Curses aren't the Only Change scene

Bridging the gap between Ideas and C&C.

Post individual scenes that need doctoring, outlines, or other detail work that isn't quite ready for the C&C thread.

Curses aren't the Only Change scene

Postby Tovath » Thu Jun 05, 2008 11:03 am

It's not a very big scene, but it is just not coming out right and I can't figure out why.

This is an AU fic where Makoto Kino is raised by Genma and as you might guess the events surounding Ranma and Ryouga's first meeting have changed.

“Gone gathering supplies. be back in a week.” read the note Genma left behind.
“Think he left 'cause of Ryouga yelling prepare to die?”
“Naw, probably heard about some good loot in some country house.”
Genma had, of course, grabbed all the food and money before he left. It had happened before, but then he had only been gone for couple of days. Also this time they had not managed to steal his wallet, so they would need to use another way to get money. “Go see if we can con some people at the basketball court?”
“Yep, I'll challenge them to a game you watch my back.” said Ranma.
“Sounds good.”
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.”
-Hanlon's Razor

"Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much."
-Oscar Wilde

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Re: Curses aren't the Only Change scene

Postby Daniel Jess Gibson » Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:06 pm

Tovath wrote:It's not a very big scene, but it is just not coming out right and I can't figure out why.

This is an AU fic where Makoto Kino is raised by Genma and as you might guess the events surounding Ranma and Ryouga's first meeting have changed.

“Gone gathering supplies. be back in a week.” read the note Genma left behind.
“Think he left 'cause of Ryouga yelling prepare to die?”
“Naw, probably heard about some good loot in some country house.”
Genma had, of course, grabbed all the food and money before he left. It had happened before, but then he had only been gone for couple of days. Also this time they had not managed to steal his wallet, so they would need to use another way to get money. “Go see if we can con some people at the basketball court?”
“Yep, I'll challenge them to a game you watch my back.” said Ranma.
“Sounds good.”


First, it's difficult for us to know who is saying what, it this just Makoto and Ranma?

Second where are they saying it? It makes a big difference if they are saying it on the open road just before they arrive at the Tendos versus saying it right after Ryoga got pissed off, versus after Makoto and Ranma have been with the Tendos for a time.

Those details would help others picture the scene and give you some help.
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Postby Tovath » Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:48 pm

It would, of course, be some thing simply like that, that I would overlook. How about this?

When Ranma and Makoto got back from the cane fighting lessons that Genma had somehow arranged for them, The room they were staying in was empty and Genma's pack was gone. There was a note written on a random scrap of paper in the middle of floor. It read “Gone gathering supplies. be back in a week.”
“Think he left 'cause of Ryouga yelling prepare to die?” Makoto asked Ranma trying to make a joke of it.
“Naw, probably heard about some good loot in some country house.” said Ranma
They checked, but Genma had, of course, grabbed all the food and money before he left. This had happened before, but then he had only been gone for couple of days. Also this time they had not managed to steal his wallet, so they would need to use another way to get money. “Go see if we can con some people at the basketball court?”
“Yep, I'll challenge them to a game you watch my back.” said Ranma.
“Sounds good.”
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.”
-Hanlon's Razor

"Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much."
-Oscar Wilde

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Tovath
User avatar
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Posts: 2287
 


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