Resurrection of the Silence 10: Opening scene

Bridging the gap between Ideas and C&C.

Post individual scenes that need doctoring, outlines, or other detail work that isn't quite ready for the C&C thread.

Resurrection of the Silence 10: Opening scene

Postby Metroidvania » Wed May 28, 2008 5:56 pm

I don't know why, but something about this scene is really bugging me. However, I can't pinpoint on what exactly it's lacking, as it's been a while since I've written much of anything.


“Breakfast is ready.” Kasumi called out cheerfully as she placed the
steaming bowl down on the table, making sure there were enough places
for any eventual guests that could possibly show up.

“Sis…” Nabiki entered first, looking at her older sister with a combination
of worry, amusement, and exasperation. “Don’t you think that you should-


“Ooh, food!” Genma bowled into the room, barely avoiding knocking over
his wife. As it was, it took some quick reflexes to save both her and the
dish she carried from hitting the hardwood flour.

“Honestly, husband,” Nodoka sighed as she ventured back into the
kitchen. “You really should be more careful…”

“Apologies, dear.” Genma actually looked repentant for a moment,
staring down at the ground, and Nabiki blinked in surprise for a moment.
While she knew that Genma feared his wife, this show of respect was…

She broke off as the Saotome father’s hand darted out, and stole…
something, and plopped it into his mouth with a quick gulp, and rolled her
eyes.

Akane quickly entered the room next, followed by Soun.

“Nabiki, has Kasumi said anything yet?”

“I do hope not, repetitions are such a waste of time.”

The voice came from behind her, and Akane whirled around, only to relax
as Cologne pogoed into the room, along with Shampoo and Mousse, the
latter carrying what looked to be some of the Nekohanten’s signature
ramen.

“Ramen for breakfast?”

“Good for energy,” Shampoo replied, to which Nabiki gave an expression
of mild disgust. “Mercenary girl not want, do not need to eat.”

“More for me,” Mousse grunted as he sat down, placing his package down
and adjusting his glasses.

“Oh my,” Kasumi had reentered the room, and her eyes widened at all
the guests. “I’ll get more chopsticks.”

“No need, dear.” Cologne replied, withdrawing several pairs from her
sleeves. “Now, sit down, and let’s eat.”

After nothing more was said by either herself or the eldest Tendo girl,
reluctantly, everyone agreed, and all conversation ceased, at least, for
the moment.

//--//--//--//--//--//--//

“Ah, delicious.” Genma declared, setting down his bowl firmly. “Delicious
as always, Kasumi.”

The eldest Tendo daughter looked down gracefully.

“Kasumi, dear,” Soun started cautiously. “Do you think you could tell us…
what happened with Ranma?”

His eyes did not miss Kasumi’s sudden switch to a defensive posture, nor
her sudden glance down towards the floor.

“It is important, Kasumi.” Cologne spoke with surprising tenderness. “We
need to know what happened.”

Kasumi looked up finally, tiny tears forming in her eyes, and without any
warning, both Akane and Nabiki laid their arms on her shoulders. The
young woman sniffed loudly, wiping at her eyes, and nodded.

“I was on my way to get some groceries at the market when…when
Ranma appeared.” She started, her fingers white from gripping the table.

“He told me that he had separated from the demon that had possessed
him, and that he came out to protect me.”

The eldest Tendo shuddered momentarily.

“I turned away, and the next thing I knew, I must have fallen
unconscious, because I woke up a little later, in some strange building.”

“Ranma…” her voice broke, and Akane wrapped her sister in a fierce hug
for a few moments.

“You’re safe now, sis,” She whispered, and Kasumi nodded her thanks to
her youngest sister.

“Ranma…didn’t look like himself at all.” She continued. “He looked…”

“Menacing?” Mousse suggested.

“Scary” Shampoo added.

“Thuggish?” Soun’s fists were clenched so tightly, a few drips of blood fell
to the floor, where his own nails had pierced the skin.

However, Kasumi shook her head to all of the adjectives.

“He looked…evil.” She finally stated. “I don’t know what it was, he wasn’t
dressed any differently…but it wasn’t Ranma.”

Kasumi paused for a moment, trying to recall her memories.

“He appeared to be talking to himself, at first, pacing back and forth.
Then he moved towards me, and pulled out something that looked like a…
what do you call those metal things?”

“A firearm?” Nodoka asked. “My son would never…”

Genma quieted her quickly, placing his hand on her forearm, and the
woman fell silent.

“Yes,” Kasumi nodded gratefully to her “Auntie”. “It was a gun. He pointed
at me, and said…” She scrunched her face in concentration. “…Your heart
crystal will serve me well…”

“So, that’s what he was after…” Nabiki muttered to herself, making a note
of it.

“It was then that Ryoga-kun burst through a wall.” Kasumi glanced past
Soun’s shoulder, towards the adjoining room where the lost boy still lay
unconscious.

“Ranma…or whoever it was immediately turned, and fired his…gun at
Ryoga-kun, who dodged out of the way just in time. Ryoga-kun ran
towards Ranma, and he began to glow green for some reason…but just as
he reached in close enough, Ranma fired again.”

Kasumi shuddered at that particular memory.

“Ryoga-kun fell down, clutching his heart, and then…and then…some kind
of crystal came out of his chest.

Kasumi’s hands shook, and she had to take several calming breaths to
steady herself.

“Ranma…he took the crystal, and he…he ate it. He left Ryoga-kun sitting
on the floor, and…” Kasumi’s eyes flashed to the lost boy growing more
and more pale, even as his breathing slowed to a crawl. “Ryoga was…it
looked like he was dying.”

“How so?” Cologne interjected, ignoring the dirty looks Soun was shooting
at her. A moment later, her cane flashed, and the Demon Head technique
was popped before it could even begin.

“He was…turning pale, and his breathing was very slow.” Kasumi stated
slowly. Cologne nodded, seemingly appeased by this information.

“Ranma moved back towards me, and he held out that gun again…It was
then that she appared.”


After further thought, it could be a lack of detail that's bothering me, and I admit right now that the scene could use more, but I didn't want this to go into full-on flashback mode, so I'm a bit hesitant on what exactly to reinforce.

Again, any help is appreciated.
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Postby Dumbledork » Thu May 29, 2008 1:38 am

Maybe the unease is because Kasumi is in the spotlight. That doesn't happen very often. Or the constant interruptions of the rest of the cast breaks the flow of Kasumi's recollection.
And that's the bottom line 'cause Dumbledork said so.

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Postby Sunshine Temple » Thu May 29, 2008 5:55 am

I think you're right. There's not enough detail.

As it is right now there's a bit too much "tell" and not enough "tell"

It also needs a bit more emotional connection to anchor Kasumi's story to what she's retelling.


The meal at the start seems to be a bit too jarring as well.
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Postby Metroidvania » Fri May 30, 2008 3:03 pm

Dumbledork wrote:Maybe the unease is because Kasumi is in the spotlight. That doesn't happen very often. Or the constant interruptions of the rest of the cast breaks the flow of Kasumi's recollection.


True, but I can't imagine the crew sitting and just listening without interjecting.

It is Kasumi, but with what's been happening....hmm.

As it is right now there's a bit too much "tell" and not enough "tell"


So I should put some show in? :wink:

It also needs a bit more emotional connection to anchor Kasumi's story to what she's retelling.


Hmm...I don't quite get what you're saying....something along the lines of giving Kasumi more descriptive emotions, "face pinching, eyes widening," etc?...or something else?

The meal at the start seems to be a bit too jarring as well.


This I think I can fix.
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Postby Sunshine Temple » Fri May 30, 2008 5:03 pm

Metroidvania wrote:
Hmm...I don't quite get what you're saying....something along the lines of giving Kasumi more descriptive emotions, "face pinching, eyes widening," etc?...or something else?



Yeah like that. Have a bit more clues into her expresions and her body language. Stuff more than just what she's saying.
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