This Is what Happens when You cross Deadpool and Harry Potter. I wish I could Say this was unexpected.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2557009/1/Physical Education wrote:“Hi ho subjects of torture! I'm Wade Wilson, your gym coach, or as you freaks from England call it; your ...” he held up his fingers in a quote gesture “... Pee-Eee Teacher. You can call me Mr. Wilson, Deadpool, or 'Not the Face! Not the Face!'
Harry looked at Hermione. She looked just as worried as he felt.
“Now, I was ... persuaded to come here, when some STUPID FUCKWIT WHO DIDN'T TELL ME I WAS WHACKING A GODDAMN WIZARD!”
Harry tried to look as heterosexual as possible. This was important because Ron chose to squeal like a girl and jump into his arms at Deadpool’s little outburst.
“... left me out to dry. However, I managed to negotiate a sort of work-release program over here showing mini-wizards not to be little butterballs like they are where normal people live.”
“I thought we already filled our former-bad-teacher-trying-to-be-good quota …”
Deadpool’s head swivelled towards Hermione.
“You should go to Xavier's when you hit Stateside honey. Then again, maybe I should have. Logan's cigar stash, the Professor's malt whiskey, and a ton of hot honeys over eighteen ..."
“I don't believe it ... we're being taught by a mudblood? “
Deadpool leaned over, head inches away from Harry. “Is Peroxide Bitch insulting me?”
“They're letting a mudblood on campus? The faculty?”
Harry decided on honesty. “Ah, yes ...”
“When my father ...”
Deadpool suddenly pointed to a point behind the students. “Look! Elvis!”
Despite the majority not knowing who Elvis was, everybody turned.
The anguished scream filling the still morning air a second later was a complete surprise.
Turning back, Draco was prone on the ground, holding his knee, while Deadpool was holding what appeared to be a crowbar behind his back.
“What, this?” Deadpool produced the crowbar as if it’s presence was a complete mystery to him “It's ...a ... perfectly legitimate teaching aid, isn't it, blondie?”
“Please ... don't ...”
“It's called Tonya! Say hello Tonya!”
Deadpool held out the crowbar at his head level. The high-pitched, unconvincing girl's voice while moving the crowbar to simulate speaking was ratchetting up the overall tension.
“Hi kids! I'm Tonya, fresh from America's gold-winning skating rinks to Mr. Wilson's hand! I hope to have a really great time with you, because if you don't, Wade here is going to put me somewhere really uncomfortable! So eat lots of fibre for my sake!”
The PE teachersuddenly brought up the crowbar, shouting at the inanimate object. “DON'T YOU DARE RAT ME OUT YOU BITCH!”
Deadpool turned from the crowbar, seeming to register the confused and frightened faces of his students for the first time.
“Don't worry, she's only a substitute!”
Deadpool casually threw the crowbar over his shoulder. “Okay, let's get started! Now to promote healthy exercise, I'm going to use a special Muggle wand!”
Deadpool bend over, and started rummage around in his gym bag, Ron leaned over to Harry.
“ I didn't know Muggles had wands ...”
A sound filled the air that could only be described as demonic.
Harry’s suspicions were proven correct, as Deadpool produced his wand - a large, revving chainsaw.
The hockey mask he was wearing over his normal mask wasn’t helping.
“ARE WE MOTIVATED YET?”
Harry and Hermione were already running, moving at speeds that would have made their old P.E. Teachers fill with pride.
The rest of the class were starting to back off in fear from their new P.E. Teacher.
Ron was desperately trying to assert himself “You can't .. you ...”
“Ten fingers off Gryffindor!”
“ ... don't you mean ... points?”
“You really walked into that one kid.”
And that's all for chater 1 of The Fic. there's a second Chapter... But I don't wanna ruin it.
Something Grim this Way Comes http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2666277/1/Grim turned to the red-haired woman, planning to thank her for the offer of assistance, even though he did not need such. This gave the plump witch a clear view of his bleached white skull, surrounded by a halo of blood-red shadow within the blackness of his hood. He then made the mistake of gracing her with a benevolent smile.
"Tank you, ma'am--"
"A DEATH EATER!" shrieked the woman, sweeping her arms out to grab her two remaining children and drag them behind her, so that she might shield them from Grim's presence with her own body. "RON, GINNY, STAY BEHIND ME!"
"Well, no, not really," rumbled Grim slowly, put out by her reactions but at the same time resigned to it. "Actually, ma'am, I am de Grim--"
"DEATH EATER!" the woman screamed again, this time drawing her wand from within the folds of her robe. "Stay back, or else," she threatened, holding her wand up and aiming directly between Grim's empty eye-sockets. "I'm warning you, stay back or I'll hex!"
"Madam," Grim put his hands on his hips indignantly, "I am not--"
"Expelliarmus!"
With a flash of red light the curse slammed into Grim, impacting solidly against his brow and knocking his skull clean off of his neck. It clattered to the ground, several feet away from his body, rolling along a few times before settling.
"Here now!" protested Grim, "Dat was uncalled for!"
The plump woman looked in horror at Grim's disembodied skull and then at his body. The rest of Grim's skeleton had by now dropped onto its hands and knees as it fumbled blindly about, searching for its missing head.
"Gross," gagged the redheaded boy, Ron, who was peaking out from behind his mother.
"Ah, dere we are," said Grim as his hands found his skull and picked him up. With several deft, and well practiced twists, Grim refastened his skull to his neck. "Now, dat's better."
"An Inferi," breathed the woman. She shook herself out of her shock and stood straighter, taking aim once again with her wand, this time aiming for Grim's ribcage rather than his skull. "Undead monstrosity!" she snarled, looking and sounding remarkably reminiscent of a sabre-toothed tiger. "Stay away from my family! Incendio!"
The spell rocketed towards Grim as little more than a blur. Grim was prepared this time, or at least more so than he had been with the first spell, and managed to partially duck out of the way. The spell still managed to catch the trailing hem of his black robes, setting them ablaze with astonishing swiftness.
"Ah! I'm on fire! Help!"
"Beast! Incendio! Reducto!"
"Ow!" cried Grim as he ducked the first spell, only to be struck by the second. He was blown backwards through the air, his left arm and several ribs scattering about as he did so. His flight ended abruptly as he collided with a loud crash against the train currently waiting at platform nine. "Ma'am, please! Ouch!"
"Should we try to stop her?" Harry asked his companion.
"Why?" retorted Mandy, her eyes not leaving the one-side fight for a second. "I haven't seen anything this funny since General Skarr moved next door to you and tried to steal Grim's scythe."
"What about that time Dudley convinced Grim to help arrange a secret surprise birthday party for you, five months before your birthday?"
I See in Your Eyes, The same fear that would take the heart of me.
A Day may come, when the courage of men fails!
When we forsake our works, and break all bond of authorship- But Is Not THIS Day!
This Day, We WRITE!