The NEW Fanfiction Quote Topic

[camk4evr]

from John Biles' Lemon Sherbet. Remember this is a lemon fic and should not be read if you're a minor, at work, or at school (which is where I read it for the first time, as I didn't know that lemon=adult anime fanfiction)

Norse legends saw Yggdrasil as the great tree in whose branches the nine worlds nestle. They were right, but it was more than that. It was also the great central computer that sustains all things in their proper configuration. By altering its' programming, you could play billiards with the stars or even make Rush Limbaugh not be an idiot, hard as that may be to believe.

At the base of Yggsdrasil is the command center, where the backups are kept and where one can input new commands into Yggsdrasil most easily. The tiny band of desperate film makers and characters appeared in the command center in a flash of cheap special effects. "Quick, someone find the backups!"

Unfortunately, only Biles knew anything about computers and he wasn't exactly FAMILIAR with this one. Everyone began running around punching buttons and opening drawers. Akemi quietly walked over to one keyboard and began punching buttons. She finished typing right as Usagi held up a disk labelled, 'Cosmic Backup'. "Is this it?"

"Yes, it is! Quick, throw it to me!" Akemi yelled. "Before it's too late!"

They could see the darkness closing in from all sides as the system purge continued. Usagi tossed Akemi the disk. She laughed maniacally and ate the disk. "Now NOTHING CAN STOP ME!" She punched return, activating the command, 'rm *.g3'. Biles evaporated in a poof of smoke. "I'll destroy you all!"

Kahm and Rachel blinked, then got very angry. "WHY did you do that?"

Akemi laughed. "Because I'm really your old friend, Marller! And now all creation is MINE to reshape!"

Everyone dogpiled her. For a few seconds, all was silent, then Akemi burst out of the pile. Marller's demon symbol now shone upon her brow. "Fools! I can destroy you all! Starting with you annoying muses!"

She leaned over and typed, 'rm *.muse'. Unfortunately, Marller had forgotten one thing...she was possessing the body of a muse. Akemi-Marller, Kahm, and Rachel vanished in a poof of smoke. The Cosmic Backup disk reappeared and fell to the ground. The darkness was still closing in.

Ranma said, "She really shouldn't have disabled the thing where it asks you on each file if you REALLY want to delete it."

Usagi grabbed the disk. "So now what?"

Ranma said, "Uh...we stop us from being destroyed first." He went over to the keyboard and typed, 'stop destroying the universe'.

'Syntax Error'.

He typed, 'Stop destroying the Universe or I'll blow you to tiny bits.'

'Process killed.' The universe stopped vanishing.

"I guess it knows what's good for it." Usagi said.

"Let's see...how do we reboot this thing?"

Ranma and Usagi began playing around with various controls. After managing to create 100000000 cabbages and an angry potato, they finally got the hang of it. 'Reboot began. Changes in base data desired? (y/n)'

"Wait...we can rewrite this?"

Usagi said, "That's what Marller wanted to do...We really shouldn't tamper, though."

Ranma nodded. "We really shouldn't."

They both started typing in a frenzy, naturally.

[Comartemis]

Hmmm, lemons, eh?

This one comes from 'Love, Porn, and Senshi' over at Adultfanfiction.net. The basic premise is that an alternate version of the Inners and Mamoru are making a Sailor Moon skin-flick. It's largely PWP but it does have some rather inspired moments, like this one.

Minako sighed at the hostile tone and let her smile slip a bit. "Alright, look," she said seriously. "I know we didn't exactly get off on the right foot, but just because we happen to be...competing, doesn't mean we can't be friends."

"Competing?" asked the tall girl as she arched an eyebrow. "This really is just some kind of silly game to you, isn't it?"

"Well," started the blonde, "that's not really what I..."

"Well I'm not playing around and you're not winning anything. Ami deserves better than to be just another one of your flings, so you can just go use someone else to get you off, because..." Makoto was rather suddenly cut off as her fellow actress slapped her hard across the face. She was shocked. Not that she didn't expect the other girl to be mad, but most women, as well as men, found her too intimidating to even dare to do such a thing.

Minako was quite visibly livid. "You...you...you are just like everybody else!" she exclaimed in a heated tone as she pointed an accusing finger at Makoto. "I try to expect better from a fellow actress, but you're no better than anyone else and you've got no excuse!"

Having recovered a bit from being slapped, Makoto spoke up. At least, she tried. "What the hell..."

"You," continued the enraged blonde, "think you know SO much about me. You've hardly even talked to me, but you probably think you've had me figured out from the moment you met me. Don't you!?"

"Well..."

"It's so obvious after all," exclaimed the blonde as she threw her hands up into the air. "I'm just your typical cheery, blonde, porn star. I'm nothing more than a vapid little slut who couldn't possibly hope to ever achieve anything in life if I didn't have my looks. I couldn't add two numbers together if someone gave me a calculator, and I certainly couldn't care about anyone or anything but my own self-gratification!"

"I didn't..."

"You may think you know me, but you don't know anything about me," said the blonde, seeming to have calmed a bit, having lowered her voice. She still looked plenty angry though. "You just assumed you knew all you needed to know, just like everybody else. Even people who are trying to be nice to me talk down to me like I'm some silly little girl who needs adult supervision. I may not be the brightest knife in the cookie jar..."

Makoto was tempted to interrupt, but decided it was best to let the blonde finish winding down.

"...but I'm not some stupid little girl who can't think about anything but sex. People don't bother to find that out though. They just treat me like a child or a whore or whatever else it is they decided I was the moment they laid eyes on me. Almost everyone I've ever met as an adult, except for a few other girls in the same position, has treated me that way. Men treat me like a sex toy. Women look at me with disgust, because I'm a slut, or pity, because I'm an idiot."

"I never..."

"But not her," continued the blonde. "Ami is the smartest, most mature and sophisticated, and elegant woman I've ever met. If anyone ever had the rite to look down on me it'd be her. If anyone ever had the rite to call me stupid or talk down to me it would be her. But she never did. From the moment I met her she's not only been kind to me, but she's treated me like a respectable, intelligent adult. She treats me like a grown woman who's worth more than just a pile of blonde hair and a curvy body. Even when I do say something stupid or she says something that goes over my head, she doesn't admonish me or laugh at me like some little girl tripping over a big word. She explains things to me like one reasonable adult to another. When I'm with her, even just talking to her, she makes me feel...like I'm a worthwhile person. Like when the day comes that my looks fade and my fame, along with the money and 'friends' that come along with it, leave me, there'll still be someone out there who still gives a damn about me. Someone who could still like me for who I am. Someone who could even love me when I'm old and wrinkled. I..." Minako was interrupted by a loud buzzer announcing that it was time to be on the set.

Mina looked towards the door, then back at the silent Makoto, who by this point was looking rather thoroughly admonished. "I'll admit," said Minako, "that I've had more than my fair share of 'flings'. But this is different. Ami's special. You obviously already know that. I would never 'use' her, and I'd slap the hell out of anyone who tried." Taking a deep breath, Minako turned away from Makoto and headed for the set. After a brief moment of watching her fellow actress walk away, Makoto sighed, tossed her script onto a chair, and followed the retreating blonde head of hair.

Genius. http://anime.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600040975&chapter=5

Okay, that wasn't very funny, so here's a pair of quotes from an SI called 'Curse of the Fanboys'

"Wait a minute. Slow down," Mayhem said. "We're fanboys, remember. Every episode follows a particularly dumb and obvious plot device. What's it for this season?"
Chaos gave that a moment of thought. "Um, they chain a person down and look into their dreams, and since we know Pegasus isn't there, whichever Eye guy it is tries to kill that person."
"And the victims always introduced by close interaction with at least one Senshi," Pestilence added. "That's the way it always goes for every season. If they're a new, one-shot character you know they're toast before the eye-catch."
"Hold on," Chaos muttered. "You don't think...we have beautiful dreams?!"
Pestilence shrugged. "So we get attacked and saved by our favorite Senshi. What's so bad about it?"
"I do not want to get hit on by a guy pretending to be a girl who dresses like the Michelin Man!!" Chaos exclaimed.
Whereupon Lord Chaos began frantically dancing around the scenery like Ranma long-gone into Catfist mode.
"Cool," Mayhem remarked. "Not only did you go into Super Deformed mode, but you got Hikaru's cat ears and tail too! But seriously Chaos, This could be worse."
Chaos gave a sarcastic laugh. "Like it could get any worse!"
"We could be forced to sit with Chibichibi," Mayhem pointed out.
Chaos facevaulted. "I take it back. Things could be a lot worse."
"Chibichibi?" Pesti-chan inquired.
"It's better you don't know," Mayhem said. "Think of cuteness so frighteningly large it causes instant diabetes. Now put that into a little kid."
"Worse than the Olsen twins?" Pesti-chan asked.
"Pestilence," Mayhem said. "Nothing is more frightening than the Olsen twins. But Chibichibi comes close."

"Look on the bright side," Mayhem said, once again pulling out the pan-dimensional tea kettle. "You get to join the proud ranks alongside the Sailor Starlights, Nuriko from Fushigi Yuugi, Tsubasa from Ranma 1/2 and Shun from Here Is Greenwood."
"Do I look like I'm thrilled?" Chaos sulked. "I don't even think I'm wearing a bra underneath this. And this thing is riding up my rear. How do they move with these things on?"
Mayhem shivered. "Butt floss. Somehow, on you, that idea makes me very scared."
Chaos growled, examining her--er, his now busty form. "Am I being punished for something in my previous dimension? Why not do this to Mayhem; he's the hentai one!"
Pesti-chan's eyes widened. "Chaos, think about that for a moment. Mayhem, hentai, a lady's body: I don't think so."
Chaos walked into the bathroom, scrutinizing his new female appearance in the mirror. "I look like Relena freaking Peacecraft!"
"At least he stayed in the same Anime series as his pseudonym," Mayhem remarked offside.
"What, you don't think your earrings match, Chaos?" Pesti-chan snickered.
"No, my shoes don't match the colour of my skirt," Chaos said. "Look! I should have high heels if I want to coordinate properly."
Cue the SD Mayhem & Pesti-chan with reeeeeally big eyes.
"Chaos," Mayhem said slowly. "You're frightening your otaku buddies. Retransform please."

http://www.fanboys.com

[Dumbledork]

From the "A Rose at Hogwarts" addventure. Started reading this one today and these lines are priceless

http://addventure.bast-enterprises.de/52697.html

"Excuse me," the door slid open again. "Have either of you seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one."

"Yes," Kodachi answered absently, her mind on other questions. "My snake ate one as we were boarding the train. I didn't know it belonged to someone. I'll gladly pay to replace it."

"Oh." Hermione said limply.

The snake hissed.

Kodachi sat up, arising out of her thoughty stupor. "For what it's worth, Shirousagi says it was delicious."

[Comartemis]

*pokes thread with stick*
Yay, it's not dead yet!

Here's a few from The Wild Horse Thesis. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3107822/1/

"So this is the last hope of mankind, huh?" Ranma asked, as he and the two women stood before the purple head of the Eva sitting in a pool of reddish fluid which Ranma knew to be LCL.
"Correct," came a voice in reply.
Looking up, Ranma smirked as he saw the most evil bastard of all time standing in the window of a control room overlooking the cavernous chamber the Eva was kept in.
"Oh look, it's a dick with ears," Ranma waved. "How's it goin', Pop? Rape any children lately?"

An hour later, the trio had found suits that met with Asuka's approval. Rei had ended up with a royal blue tankini that flattered her slender torso. Ranma had been talked into an emerald green bikini with high-cut bottoms and an under-wire top, which in her opinion displayed entirely too much cleavage. Asuka had chosen one with white, high-cut bottoms and a red and white striped racer-back, halter-style top.
Currently, they were at the 'reward' portion of this outing; the ice cream shop. Not that Ranma was happy about it. It seemed that the owner had come up with a counter to the dreaded Anything Goes Uber-Cute Ice Cream Scamming Technique and not even the devastating Revised Twin Attack had worked for them today.
Ranma looked morosely at her piteously small and plain banana split and lamented about the injustice of it all. Here she was, having been subjected to a day of shopping and being made to model twenty different skimpy outfits only to find that the new counter boy with the strange lisp seemed impervious to their collective feminine charms. She pouted cutely at how wrong this all was. What good was being a cute girl if you couldn't scam extra treats?
"Oh cheer up, Variable-chan," Asuka said cheerfully. "If you're gonna pout like that, I'll buy you another one."
"You really mean it, Asuka-chan?" Ranma asked in a saccharin tone, instantly brightening and looking up at Asuka with big, sparkling eyes.
"Gah!" Asuka recoiled from the sheer cuteness being directed at her, while Rei snickered softly. "Uh...yeah, just stop with the cuteness before I go into insulin shock," Asuka whined.

The trio hurried on through the corridors until they hit a dead end where a large slab of debris was blocking the tunnel.
"Now what?" Asuka asked. "I don't think even you could get through that, Variable-chan."
"I might be able to blast through it with a ki blast, but I don't think it'd be a good idea. It might bring the roof down on us," Ranma said.
"There is another way," Rei said, stepping over to an air vent and removing the cover. "This way."
Rei entered the duct followed by Asuka, with Ranma bringing up the rear. They were forced to crawl along on their hands and knees due to the height of the duct. It wasn't the most comfortable way to get there, but Ranma had to admit he was enjoying the view.
"Ranma, are you looking up my skirt?" Asuka demanded.
"Um...yeah?" Ranma said with a nervous chuckle and braced himself for the boot-to-da-head.
"Good, just checking," Asuka giggled and gave her tush a little wiggle.
A loud clang was heard as Ranma face-faulted hard into the bottom of the duct.
"Owie," Ranma mentioned as he pulled his face out of the large dent.

And here's a few more from Millennium.

Usagi nodded happily. Not only had this trip turned out to be quite productive, but they were even getting help! "Can I meet your officers before I decide?" Naturally, she already had an officer in mind, but thought it would be best to at least meet the others before deciding.
"No problem," the police captain said, walking out from behind her desk and leading Usagi across the lobby. "They're in the tactical room right now having a meeti-"
BAM! The women jumped in surprise as the door to the meeting room suddenly burst open, and Snake stepped out before spreading his arms magnificently.
"Hear ye, hear ye!" The American shouted, "It is the decision of this council that in the instance of case 512: Negi Springfield versus Harry Potter in Deadly Combat, Negi would totally kick Potter's ass!"
Usagi stared, a large sweatdrop rolling down her head. Asuka merely hung her head as the image of professionalism and sensibility she had maintained so far completely shattered.
"Is... THAT... what you're all doing in there?" Asuka said quietly, her shoulders shaking as she ruthlessly suppressed violent urges.
"Yes," Snake said simply, idly wondering who the blonde was but not caring enough to ask. "The council shall now reconvene to - once and for all! - determine the sexual orientation of the characters from Naruto!" Without another word, Snake turned back around, slamming the door behind him.
Usagi's sweatdrop grew bigger.
Asuka turned toward her. "If you want to flee now, I'll understand."
"Er... no, that's okay," Usagi reassured her. "Actually, I've been wondering about Sasuke and Naruto for a while now."

"Very well! The floor accepts the Kakashi/Iruka pairing, but only on the grounds that the yaoi fangirls keep their dirty claws off of Shino!" Snake demanded, pointing a gavel at Junko.
"The yaoi fangirl sector accepts these terms!" Junko said happily. Then she held up a stack of papers. "At least HALF my fanart is still valid. Who wants to see?"
The men all immediately averted their eyes, causing the promiscuous woman to pout and slump into her chair. "Philistines..."
Then she jumped slightly as an unfamiliar blonde woman seemed to nearly materialize next to her. "Can I see them? Can I? Please?"
"The council does not recognize the newcomer!" Snake said suddenly, pointing his gavel at her. "Guards! Seize her!"
"Oh, would you calm down? We don't have any guards." Ranma mumbled. "Usagi-chan, what're you doing here?"
The blonde cyborg blushed heavily and looked up from Junko's drawings. The redhead wasn't the best artist in the world, but seemed to have quite a bit of talent for erotic images. "Oh! Ranma-kun! Hi!" She hesitantly looked around at all the officers who were staring at her. "So... is this what you guys do all day?"
"Well, on Wednesdays, sure," the pigtailed man admitted. "Something wrong? What brings you by?"
"Saotome!" Snake said irritably, banging his gavel a few times. "Who is this?"
"Just chill, wouldja?" Ranma snapped. "This is Usagi Tsukino, the cyborg girl from that Senshi op the other day."
Junko raised an eyebrow. "Cyborg girl?" Looking the blonde over, she did little to hide her skepticism. All the cyborgs she had seen before came complete with chunky, obviously mechanical parts poking out of their bodies. This girl didn't look any different from your everyday college student. Well, other than her hairstyle.
Snake, despite Ranma's protests, wasn't about to relinquish the (mostly imaginary) power as chairman of the Council (as they really didn't focus on any one subject or do anything productive, they had merely named this particular activity "The Council"). He pounded the gavel a few more times. "The council demands proof of the newcomer's cybernetic nature!"
Usagi blinked, and flushed as she rubbed the back of her head. "Uh, well... okay..." She frowned as she tried to think of something to do. Of course, she could always just pop out her sensor fins or turn her index finger into a lighter, but she wanted to make a special impression here...
She brightened as she thought of something, and began to lift up her shirt.
"Whoo! Take it off!" Tiro suddenly shouted. Ranma immediately grabbed the back of his head and slammed his forehead into the table surface.
"Sorry about that. Go ahead," he said encouragingly.
Still blushing a bit, Usagi patted her stomach.
Pssshoot! Cold air burst out of the girl's abdomen as a square section of her stomach opened up to reveal a mini-fridge. "Here! Who wants a..." She blinked as she looked down at one of the bottles withdrawn from inside her. "A beer?" That was odd. She had stocked herself with soda. Where had this come from?
Shrugging, the blonde cyborg started placing bottles of beer on the table. "Sorry, I guess this is all I have."
Bang! Bang! Went Snake's gavel. "It is the unanimous decision of this court that Tsukino-san is obviously the best cyborg ever. All rise for pointless enthusiastic cheering!"

[Questara]

From Harry Potter: Raven Chapter 14

“I do not believe Axilano intends to kill Raven,” Fate said, noticing Batman talking on his communicator off to the side. “He seemed more intent on Raven’s capture.”

Zatanna frowned. “That might be even worse.”

“How so?” Robin asked.

“Demons aren’t one for idle abduction. If they want Raven for some reason, then there’s got to be a big, bad reason behind it,” she explained.

“Duh,” Cyborg said. “He’s either a sacrifice, or the key to lots of bad mojo. We know the drill.”

Zatanna pouted. “Curse Buffy for taking away the drama in my profession,” she grumbled. Fate patted her consolingly.

[J. St.C. Patrick]

“Whatever,” Ron dismisses. Then his eyes brighten considerably. “Hey! You'll never guess what Harry bought at Diagon Alley.”

“A wicked-cool trunk, a Firebolt, and a secret?” Ranma quips, interjecting herself into the conversation.

“Who are you?” Ron questions, suddenly staring suspiciously at the short, blue-eyed, redheaded, Asian girl. “Go away, firstie!”

Hermione drops her head into her free hand as though nursing a headache.

“So, Harry, am I right?” Ranma asks. “Did that broom steal your wallet, too?”

The lanky, black-haired boy looks uncomfortable at the attention, especially as several parents in the crowd turn to face him, eyes locking on to his jagged scar.

“Do you know this girl?” Ron demands of Harry.

“She's my sister,” Hermione states. Her hand drops away from her face.

“No way!” Ron exclaims. “She doesn't look like you at all!”

“She's adopted,” Harry offers. “And Hermione did tell us about her.”

“I know that,” Ron mumbles, his ears turning pink. Then he throws an accusatory glare at Hermione. “I thought you said she was a Muggle.”

“I said she wasn't a witch.”

“Are you daft?” Ron asks, staring in disbelief. “If she's not a Muggle, she's a witch. What else could she possibly be?”

“A goddess,” Ranma proposes. She bestows upon him a beneficent smile. “You may start groveling now.”

Eldritch Assylum Chapter Seven can be found here

[Comartemis]

Here's a few from 'Chiba Mamoru Needs a Hug' by Lord Chaos. The concept for this story is best summed up by this first quote:

Pinky: [running around in his hamster wheel] "Gee, Brain, what are we gonna do tonight?"

Brain: [picking the lock to their cage] "The same thing we do every night, Pinky: defeat the Sailor Senshi and then take over Tokyo!"

They're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!

Surprised, the neko-daimon and the Senshi all looked down to the sidewalk, where a curiously small and furry soldier stepped into the light. And to add to the effect, Pinky played some dramatic entrance music on a ghetto blaster. Well...that was the idea, anyways, but Pinky accidentally played a techno hiphop version of "Cotton-Eyed Joe meets the Hamster Dance theme."
At the risk of stating the obvious, all the dramatic tension in that moment was flushed right down the proverbial toilet.
"There's another one of you?!" the neko-daimon exclaimed in disbelief. "What is this, a convention?"
Sailor Moon knelt down next to the latest fuku-clad Senshi to make the scene. "Who are you?" she asked.

Brain: "I am Sailor Brain, guardian of some distant celestial body you've probably never heard of before!"

Sailor Mercury: "Try me. I might know of it."

Sailor Brain: [sweatdrop!] "Um...oh, look! A daimon!"

"Excellent," he stated, heading towards Sailor Moon. "Now we can quickly dispose of this vile yet brilliantly-made daimon, and return the pure heart to its rightful own--oof! How do they fight evil in these flimsy high heels anyways?"
"Hold it," Sailor Uranus interjected, stepping forward. "This pint-sized soldier's from outside our solar system. There's no telling if she's a threat herself."
"Madam, in case your own sexual ambiguity has blinded you to my deep Orsen Welles voice," Sailor Brain growled, somewhat annoyed at being a case study of mistaken gender identity. "I happen to be a male."
"Even more reason not to trust him," Pluto stated. "We don't know what sort of crossdressers this distant celestial body has raised up."

Sailor Brain: [muttering to himself] "Wait for Kinmoku."

Sailor Mars: "Hm?"

Sailor Brain: ^-^ "Nothing!"

http://www.moonromance.net/userresource/24/2/4/7724/119786.txt

[Comartemis]

*Uses Phoenix Down on thread*

Here's one from Neon Genesis Evangelion: Holding Hands by Strike Fiss. Watch in awe as The Spineless Wonder shows a little backbone.

"What?!" I echo my thoughts. This is all some kind of sick joke. She'll grab my arm out of the way, then wail on me, screaming that I'm a pervert for wanting to beat a girl. "No!"

"I'm serious." she won't stop smiling. "If you can bring yourself to hit me, I will let you have one free shot without fear of retaliation."

The way she has been grating on my nerves all day, brining myself to hitting her would be surprisingly easy right now. Still, I'm cautious.

"You're lying." I say. I know I must sound like a detective, trying to solve a mystery. Why the almighty Asuka Langley would ever let me have a crack at her jaw is a damn miracle.

"No I'm not." she nods. "On one condition!" she frowns, then smiles in that same...very...scary way. "I get to hold your hand."

I blink.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to prove, once and for all, that you couldn't fight me even if you had the chance." she states with a dangerous hiss. "I dare you. Do your worst...Third Child."

I hate being called Third Child. I really do.

"Deal." I almost growl.

I can see a little bit of worry flash through her eyes. She is beginning to realize she may have underestimated exactly how MUCH I want to hit her. However, her stubborn pride forces her forward. Fine by me. I deserve this. Just once. Just one good shot to that fucking smirk and I'll be good for a few more months of torture. God knows I've earned at least this much.

Pleeeeeeease, I beg myself. Just hit her...just once...let me have this one, tiny victory over this stubborn, annoying little girl and I swear I'll be...

A warm sensation wraps around my left hand.

Oh. Oh shit.

I hate you, Asuka. I hate you. Why did you have to figure THAT out as well? No...not that I hate you. The other thing.

She smiles as she sees my face soften. She knows she has me by the hypothetical balls. "Well, Third Child? Come on..." she leans forward. "I dare you..."

Ohhhh...she whispered. She whispered. Oh god. She. Is. So. Damn. Sexy. When she whispers.

I start to whisper something back. I really have no idea what it is. All I can feel is her hands wrapped around mine.

"Yes, Shin-kun?" she coos at me. I know it's all just to weaken my resolve further, but damn, is that voice ever going to keep me awake tonight.

"T...cen...p-ll...wit...ch..."

I really have no idea what I just whispered. Neither does she. She gives me a quizzical look. "Pardon?"

"Target centre..." I whisper a bit louder. "Pull the switch..."

SMACK!

Oh. Oh damn.

Did that ever feel good.

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/9110/eva.html

[Questara]

Nonjon's Bestest Birthday Ever Chapter 5

The man solely recognized by his public identity of Severus Snape arrived back home and ventured down into his self proclaimed Snapecave.

“Damn that Potter!” he exclaimed repeatedly.

He paced around in his anger thinking. ‘I am glad the Dark Lord is gone, and I suppose it’s for the best I don’t have to deal with goody, goody Gryffindors anymore, but still!’

“Damn that Potter!”

You see this bitter childish man was not always this way. Oh no. He was once a young man with hopes and dreams. He wanted to carry his message of Slytherin and snarky sneering Snapeish superiority all across the world. All the plans in his youth were stopped by those dashing young Marauders. It was in the fall of 1991, when he first met the Marauder spawn known as Harry Potter. And it was at this moment the Snaperman was born.

It wasn’t even until a little over a year later that he got another world domination plan close to fruition. He had developed a potion that would render the entire castle stuck thinking with a Slytherin mindset. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids. All he needed was some shampoo and boomslang skin and the potion would have been done. Unfortunately he had to venture out into the muggle world for the strange and exotic substance called shampoo, and when he got back someone had stolen boomslang skin from his private stores. He couldn’t ever prove it, but he knew exactly who took it. Oh yes, he knew. ‘Gryffindor’s Golden Boy always has to save the day. Rotten rubbish brat useless ingratiating whelp…’

When that plan failed miserably he began working on his next plan. It was two years later, or approximately a year and half ago. While the rest of the world was busy watching the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Snaperman developed a potion that would make him the supreme commander of all the grindylows in the world. Just as he was about to conquer all the insignificant Potters of the world, his potion became destroyed when he did not have the adequate amount of Gillyweed available. Someone stole from him again. And it did not take a brilliant Potions Master to figure out whom. ‘Goody goody, holier than thou, thinks he’s better than us…’

[Questara]

Nother one from Nonjon, this one is from Chapter 10 of You Did What!

Harry was repeating to himself ‘Muggling Wireless?’ while Lily turned on the radio and tuned it until she hit something other than static.

“Yay!” James cheered exuberantly. He was clapping in joy, and made for quite a sight to anyone passing the aptly named Short Bus. James excitement seemed to freeze in time as he paused and asked, “Err… is this a song? Because it sort of sounds like one, but I thought songs had music.”

Sirius shook his head happily. “Naw. I think it’s a com-facial.”

“Commercial, Padfoot!” Lily insisted. “Commercial. Oh good lord.”

Sirius’ eyes twinkled merrily. “Enh, I was close.”

Harry was listening to the radio and added, “You know, I think this might actually be a song.”

Remus shook his head. “It sounds like someone caught Goyle’s Dink Lord in a vice. And they keep tightening it until he finally spells ‘bandanas’ correctly.”

“That’s not a human singing,” Sirius argued. “You can tell by the voice.”

“What?” James asked, completely baffled by that last statement.

“It’s a gorilla,” Sirius stated plainly. He saw he didn’t have much support here as they all were giving him that special look that’s usually reserved for Albus. The alleged song continued and Sirius yelled triumphantly. “There! You see! It’s probably a silverback. It keeps insisting it’s not a hollowback gorilla.” Sirius paused only a beat before asking, “Actually, what is a hollowback gorilla?”

Harry considered it and said, “I retract what I said earlier. This is, in fact, a com-facial.”

Oh, and as a hint, the song they are referring to is by Gwen Stefani

[bissek]

From Bloodlines

A little vibration was all it took to get Slinger Ozaki's attention, which was really rather strange. In a restaurant with a klutz, a no-talent ninja otaku and a washed-out kunoichi, the cook was the first one to notice something strange afoot.

"You feel that?"

Setsuna, engrossed in the latest issue of Small Business Weekly (or the manga she had concealed behind it, same thing), raised her head.

"Feel what?"

Slinger took a step over and prepared to respond, but something else caught his eye first.

"This. My soup base has ripples in it. Something's shakin' the ground."

"I told you to go on a diet, dumbass."

"I mean it, Setsuna. Thought you said this ain't quake country when you declined the extra insurance on this place."

Naruto's aunt shut her magazine and popped up from her seat at the bar.

"It's not quake country. The only insurance you need in a Hidden Village is for Acts of Shinobi. Or, as the agent described it, Cartoonishly Powerful Drunk Off-Duty Moron Insurance. That costs enough as it is."

Does Nerima have a category of insurance like that?

[Comartemis]

I imagine it probably would, just like the Minato ward needs 'rampaging extradimensional energy leech' and 'superpowered magical girl' insurance.

Here's one from Rei:incarnated.

"OK." Shinji nodded all smiles again. "It all started when I got a letter from the head of Nerv, a real rat bastard I like to call pig fucker."

"Your father?" Misato questioned, sensing that Shinji might not get along with the commander.

"I prefer the term pig fucker. It's much more descriptive of my feelings towards the old animal raper." Shinji said cheerfully.

"Anyway..." Misato said, steering him back to the story.

"So after setting fire to everything he sent me and pissing on the ashes, my sensei informed me that I had no choice but to go, so the next thing I knew I was on a train heading out here. I was given a picture of the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen in my life as the person I was to contact," Shinji grinned at the blushing Misato ,"but instead of finding a ravishing beauty when I arrived, I found a deserted city and a giant purple monster trying to step on me. I thought I was dreaming for a minute it was so Freudian and if all that wasn't bad enough, a bunch of helicopters showed up firing missiles that blew up everything but the monster."

Shinji grinned at her as she tried to whistle innocently, like she wasn't over two hours late picking him up.

"So while surrounded by death on all sides, with no hope of escape, I swore that if a beautiful woman were to save me, I would become her devoted slave bending to her every whim!" Shinji proclaimed.

"Devoted slave... every whim?" Misato looked completely stunned for a moment before a sly little smirk found its way to her face. A vision of a chibi version of herself relaxing while being waited on hand and foot popped into her head.

"Complete and utter," Shinji agreed, "of course after another five minutes a missile blew past me from less than five feet away and I downgraded her from Mistress to girlfriend whom I would give much nookie to."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2592980/2/

[Questara]

Luna's Husband Chapter 11

They were totally confused by the computer exhibit. The gems and stones held an unexpected surprise, though. While looking at the Hope Diamond, Luna commented that it had a dark aura. The sign next to the display mentioned the curse, and when no one was looking Larry cast some detection spells.

"Yes, you're right. There is a curse on that stone. Subtle. Causes loss of trust and argumentative behavior, probably leading to violence or stress problems in the family. I suppose now that the government owns it, it should be alright, don't you think?"

Boy, that would sure explain the US government, wouldn't it?

[Sailor Sedai (Ellf)]

To those who were in Spamville in the beginning, this scene might look a little familiar:

(The scene opens to the image of Ataru sitting behind a large, curved desk, wearing a formal business suit and tie. Next to him sits Sakura, also formally dressed, and edging as close as she can to the outer rim of the camera shot to put distance between her and Ataru.)
"And we're back to JNN, your news at whenever the heck you happen to read this," Ataru picked up the stack of papers in front of him and then tapped the bottom edge of the stack against the desk to straighten the pile, careless or ignorant of the fact that he was holding a stack of perfectly blank Xerox paper. "Our top story tonight: WAR!"
Sakura took over, turning to one side slightly as she kept her eyes locked on the prompter. "A recent surge of unrest in the Spamville sections of has led to military action by the forum Brotherhood of G.R.O.S.S., or Get Rid Of Slimy Succubi, a violent splinter faction that opposes forum admin Josh Temple and his relentless crusade to make Ranma Saotome a Sailor Senshi. Conflict has already broken out amongst the various threads, and mass warfare seems unavoidable."
A small diagram appeared next to Ataru, showing an outline of a human head with a black spot inside the skull.
"Experts suggest that anyone who didn't see this coming a mile away might not have any brains at all!" Ataru said authoritatively, gesturing to the diagram.
"And now, to get a better perspective on the conflict, we turn to our embedded reporter and senior combat analyst, Ranma Saotome," Sakura said, gesturing to the side.

A fuzzy, static-filled image appeared next to Sakura, and the image slowly cleared to reveal Ranma standing in front of a scarred landscape covered in craters and smoke-filled trenches. Manning the trenches behind him, instead of actual soldiers, were animate, chibi-sized plushie versions of Space Marines and Stormtroopers firing off-screen.
Sakura grimaced. "It looks pretty bad out there, Saotome. Is there any end in sight?"
Ranma shrugged. "For all I can tell, both sides still command endless waves of reinforcements, and it doesn't look like this battle is going to end until the corpses and stuffing pile up high enough that neither side can fire at each other. But even that will be a temporary peace, I'm afraid. For both armies, there is only one acceptable outcome: a complete and crushing victory."
Ranma gestured out to the trenches. "But this is just the rear lines. At the front the fighting has reached a point of massacre as Final Fantasy Tactics units are roasted alive by the dozen from Black Dragon's special unit plushies, ranging in form from Lina Inverse to Iori Yagami, to a dozen different magic-wielding versions of me from a variety of dead fanfics."
Sakura was about to ask another question, when Ataru suddenly leaned over toward the picture.
"Whoa, wait! Aren't the FFT units part of Stratagemini's army? One of the Spammaster Generals of the Brotherhood? That's on the same side as the plushie army of the Lord of Chaos?" Ataru asked, causing Sakura to look thoughtful.
"Well... yeah." Ranma admitted. "Funny story, actually. You see, everybody on Josh's side is either already dead, refuses to fight, or are such dirty God-moders that they're no fun to battle with. The actual war lasted about six minutes, including coffee breaks." Ranma scratched the back of his head. "And, well, the armies didn't want their budget to get cut next year, so they've started killing each other now."
Sakura sweatdropped. "I see. Thank you, Ranma. Stay safe out there."

The box disappeared, and a smaller one appeared in its place, portraying a small tropical island with a volcano in the middle. Sakura cleared her throat.
"Overlord and Brotherhood General Black Dragon, Lord of Chaos continues to reside in his deserted island laboratory fortress, occasionally overseeing the war, but mostly playing Phantom Brave and drinking soda pop. To aid him in his quest for cyberspacial domination he has trained the island's indigenous giant sand crabs to heed his commands as his loyal slaves. Also in preparation of the war, Black Dragon is said to have constructed a complex network of orbital ion cannon satellites, which has been summarily rendered useless by the unforeseen complications of getting giant crabs to effectively use complicated electronics for aiming such weapons."
There was a slight rumbling sound in the background, and Ataru and Sakura blinked as everything shook slightly.
Ataru suddenly pressed a hand to his ear and concentrated. "I have just been informed that Wyoming has been completely destroyed by a series of devastating energy beams from space!"
Ataru once again stopped, his hand still pressed against his ear. "This just in! The Bush Administration has organized for a public poll to determine whether the President should take credit for the orbital assault or blame it on Bill Clinton!"
Once again, Ataru stopped and concentrated, his hand not having moved. "Breaking news! I have just been informed that there is no transmitter in my ear!"
"MOVING ON," Sakura said firmly, "we've managed to send our own reporter, Lum, to interview one of the Brotherhood generals behind this pointless slaughter that they have initiated. She's managed to get this exclusive interview with Jester "Himitsu" Xellos, which we're now broadcasting live."

Yet another box opened up on the screen, showing Lum with her back to the camera, wearing a tiger-striped business suit. Sitting across from her was a Xellos avatar with the standard costume fare, plus a large sword at his hip. He was also eating a soft-serve ice cream cone, which looked horribly out of place among the piles of sand, dark machinery, and the occasional giant crustacean guard.
"So what are you doing to bring a swift end to the war, Mr. Himitsu? Surely as one of the senior Brotherhood commanders you must have a plan."
The mazoku looked at Lum as if she was crazy.
"Why would I want to bring an end to the war? It's just getting interesting!"
Lum frowned. "Aren't you concerned about mounting Brotherhood casualties in the face of little to no tangible gain?"
"Nah."
Lum sweatdropped.
Himitsu rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. Half the army is composed of dolls. What do we care if they're torn apart by the hundreds?"
"What about the other half?" Lum asked.
"Those guys demand wages. We WANT them dead."
Lum sighed. "At least tell me you have a plan for winning the war eventually."
"Of course I have a plan," Himitsu said condescendingly, before going back to eating his ice cream.
"... Well!" Lum finally shouted impatiently, not getting any answer from the mysterious priest.
"Well what?" Himitsu said in confusion.
"What's your plan!" She said through clenched teeth.
"You want to know the details of my plan?"
"YES, PLEASE," Lum said, only slightly calmer than she was a moment ago.
Himitsu leaned forward closer to the Oni reporter. "My plan is..."
Lum leaned forward as well.
"A secret!" Himitsu said as he grinned, surprising absolutely no one.
Lum sweatdropped. "How can you run a war when you won't tell anyone your plans?"
"Practice!" The annoying mazoku said, wagging his finger at her as he finished off his ice scream. Then he stood up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have to cut this short. It's my turn to stop Stratagemini from casting Ice 9 and freezing the entire universe."

That was from Takahashi Soup, chapter 6

[lwf58]

"Can't argue with that. Love Hina's my favorite, but Tenchi's a close second. I can really feel for the guy. He can't choose any of the girls, without hurting the others and since he cares for all of them, there ain't nothin' he can do. It's not that he's a weenie or nothin', he's just in the worst possible situation."

"I think Sasami has it worse. She loves Tenchi and everyone knows it, but he can't take her seriously, cause her body's so young and when she appears as Tsunami, he's awed by her powers and a little afraid of her."

Ranma shrugged "OK, in some ways he really is a big weenie, but all Sasami has to do is wait, because she is a goddess and has a lifespan much longer than the other girls."

Hotaru pouted "But then she'll lose him too, because he won't live that long either."

Ranma shook his head "You forget, Tenchi is Tsunami's chosen knight, so he'll live much longer than the others as well."

Hotaru nodded thoughtfully "Wait a second. Isn't Ryoko, Washu's Knight?"

"Yep," The martial artist replied "but as Emperor of Jurai he's expected to take two wives anyway, so that's not really that big a problem."

"What about Washu?"

Ranma scratched his head. "I'm not really sure if she's serious about Tenchi or just playing with him. It'd be a bit strange to have both of them end up in bed with him. They are mother and daughter, but then the Juraians seem to be the rednecks of the universe anyway, marrying brothers and sisters and other close family members. Heck, their spaceships are made out of wood! I bet their national anthem has banjos in it!"

"A Boy in the Hand" by dogbertcarroll.