Millennial Panic - Chapter 3

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Re: Millennial Panic - Chapter 3

Postby frice2000 » Mon Jul 09, 2012 11:56 pm

for the thousands

cut the. Possibly revise thousands into something more sensationalist/emotional.

that have had a loved one fall victim, this scene has had no such consequence

cut

While past scenes

While past monster attacks

friendships short

lives short

the only damage the scene we are looking at today resulted in was property damage.”

miraculously today, the only damage was to property.

“You were one of those targeted

Frame this setup for an interview better with the reporters dialogue. Mention the survivor and cut to them. Show the scene cutting to others that were actually dead from the attacks. Make this stronger, more emotional, more victorious but with that hint of sadness. It could be something really special and you just didn't get it big enough yet. Needs more kick. If the reporter was being anti-Senshi in nature perhaps mention some nefarious connection between the Senshi and the deaths. Mention the crack pot theories. Since you're seemingly going for a more realistic and less utopian and simplistic world think about the mass deaths and how the media would portray this in real life. Perhaps mention deployment of SDF forces and their own successes and failures against the Youma. Mention the US offering assistance to Japan? Mention the rumors of similar activity in the United Kingdom from the Sailor V Manga, etc. So very much more this report could tell us about the situation. It needs more.

Minako was disgusted, and changed to a different news station,

Again needs more depth. Politicians response, tourism advisories and loss of economy from it, maybe mention a quarantining of Japan from unaffected countries? Mass exodus from Japan to safer areas? People deserting Tokyo? People sending their children out of Tokyo so they are out of the line of fire? Aid and non-profit organization response? Just so much more you could do here. Needs a lot of work on these news scenes. It really could and likely should tell us the entire outside worlds viewpoint and understanding of the attacks right here. Perfect logical time for it.

but please don't break my remote,

Since this kind of thing has happened a lot perhaps mention that the wall is a bit scarred and Rei mention not breaking the remote again, or the remote is actually broken and Rei has a stockpiles of ready replacements...Possibly just a little humor add.

Ami held a hand up to cut

Work on blocking in this scene. A lot. Show subtle indications of how friendly they all are with each other. Without a character like Usagi they should be a lot less unified and friendly. Sisters in arms kind of relationship. Yes. Perhaps you could even say that makes for a far deeper bond between them. But they are all rather different personality wise and there was no glue holding them together and little subtle interactions throughout this scene would add a lot to it.

Ranma looked immediately relieved, and picked up Luna to cradle in her arms.

Seems to be a good place for some subtle duality to her actions here. Make the "Princess" and the Ranma parts of the personality a bit more in conflict in some way. Maybe the male Ranma part puts the cat comfortably in her lap after doing the girlish hug thing? Just show a bit more of the male Ranma in the little things too.

“It's not that simple for me,”

Disagree with characterization here. Can't see that working. Male side would be stressing the prospect of a good fight, honor, obligations, duty, etc. Female side the same. So both in agreement and he'd help. Yes, she'd want to get back to Nerima probably or at least contact her father...But she shouldn't be leery about joining this fight. She doesn't want people dead that was already established. This just...doesn't work as written. Making this less verbal and more internal is probably a better idea. Or at least qualifying that she really wants to. Just feels off as a statement.

You saved dozens of lives tonight

You saved...billions of lives tonight. Is what the line should be since you just go into the fact that they almost destroyed the world. Billions. Not dozens, hundreds, thousands. Your presence. Everyone. Everything. That should be more...heady.

thing on earth

Capitalize Earth

“You don't have to decide right away. We probably

Strikes me that they aren't really treating her as "The Princess" which is what they know her to be. So, that seems a little weird since technically isn't she their sovereign?

and wasn't sure she could find her way back to Nerima,

Err no. Azabu Juuban to Nerima. Less then 40 minutes by train, 2 hour walk. Follow a map, ask a police officer for directions, go to a train station and look at the stops map. This isn't a issue in the least.

Ranma nodded, and turned toward the door

I could see them letting her leave...But following their Princess would seem to be something they would do. Again Princess. Not just a Senshi.

“Rei understood.

"Rei understands." (Would suggest you then cut to Rei's expression and possibly a quick interjection before continuing.)

“She's my sister.”

Oh that close a friendship between the two? And with Ranma so divided with her own personality and memories with such a feminine Minako with so close a relationship...The stress that will create seems boundless while also nicely supportive at the same time. Lovely idea.

Ranma had taken to the rooftops as soon as she was out of sight of the Hikawa Shrine

Hot water? After she's successfully left a scene where she goes discovers if she is locked or not seems of paramount importance for at least half of her. Showing that also informs your readers. Really think you should do that ASAP. Not waiting, not going and discovering her mother when she'd have no memories of some red haired girl. If she's going after her mother she'd do it as a male. Doesn't necessarily have to change your scene around too much for later. Maybe it rains after he checks and he's back into girl form when he arrives and then that chains to him simply having to say something to his mother when he spots her. But...check first. Think the whole, "Am I stuck or not. Should I even check? What if I am? What if I aren't?" Questions deserve their own rather poignant scene. Maybe locked in a restroom waiting for the hot water to heat up enough to be ready for the change to happen and just wondering while it does.

back,” she said.”

back." she said.

“Well, come in. I don't mind you coming in to reminisce,

Of their house? Girls like sixteen looking right? Or maybe a little younger looking? So Nodoka would have to think she was one of Ranma's childhood friends? Since she couldn't have lived at that house when she was a kid since she's likely lived there for longer then she would be alive. Lines weird.

“You said you had memories of my home. Do you happen to remember my son?

Yeah this conversation would happen outside.

you had a son?”

had? Now I'd say that is wrong and should be have...unless Ranma is classifying herself as a girl right now which we aren't sure of. So not sure if it deserves correction or not. Could be nicely subtle way of saying Ranma think male form is gone...Or just a mistake :P.

Nodoka said disapprovingly.

Been done but maybe Nodoka thinking all her concern about Ranma is because she's a fiancee, lover, love interest of her son?

“Ran- Ranma? Wild Horse, is that you?”

Hmmm....been so many years don't think she'd recognize him. Canon supports that too with her not really being able to pick between Ryu Kumon and Ranma. So, she'd likely just think weird girl who became a guy, or crossdressing guy. Or something. Not just jump to the son conclusion.

and her mother answered.

Pretty sure canon Minako lives alone. Think Ami and Usagi are the only ones who live with any of their parents. Wiki's confirm.

answered Makoto

answered Minako

down to earth

capitalize Earth

me stop being your child.

child."

Minako holding another girl who was clinging to her and crying. She gave the redheaded girl a look of pity, then closed the door.

It was breaking Minako's heart to see her sister like this. She couldn't stand to let her sister suffer like this anymore. “Pluto,” she said to the empty air.

Sailor Pluto materialized in front of her.

Couldn't follow this. Went from one thing to another and I didn't understand the order or blocking of the scene. Break this down a bit more.

my sister suffer

I'd consider adding a qualifier to sister. Like either big or little. See how they use that to refer to each other.

Nice chapter but wanted more from Ranma's internal perspective. Also the type of POV in the piece seems a bit undefined and maybe a bit jumpy. Think you need to nail that down a bit more. Overall though chapter works, but think it needs a lot of work in the places I marked and then this becomes a lot stronger chapter. But yeah needs a lot more meat in places here, I don't think this is done just yet, but has lots of potential.

Also hope I wasn't caustic in my C&C anywhere. Don't think I was, but I had a bad day and sometimes that sneaks into my editing when I do. If so I apologize. I like the story don't think I don't :P.
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Re: Millennial Panic - Chapter 3

Postby Dumbledork » Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:36 am

Ohhh, some angsty stuff. Very well done. I hope things will look up soon for poor Ranma. Can't wait to see how the situation will play out. Keep up the good work.
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Re: Millennial Panic - Chapter 3

Postby Vocaloid » Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:26 am

you might smooth out the transitions a bit as well. Not to ad to word count or fill, but some of the scene cuts are a bit abrupt. How was Ranma/Serenity while heading towards the shrine with the others? What kind of set up happened before Luna was set up in her temporary sick bed? Looks pretty good so far otherwise and Frice seems to have found the other stuff so far.
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Re: Millennial Panic - Chapter 3

Postby Pusakuronu » Tue Jul 10, 2012 3:05 am

"We almost had to destroy the world tonight, rather than let the Dark Kingdom have it. "

That line. It sounds spiteful and villainous. Who'd want to help someone like that? Seriously, what it says is "We almost murdered billions of people because we were losing." Someone who says something like that desperately needs to be stopped. Even if what the Dark Kingdom is doing is horrible, the people still deserve to choose by themselves whether they want to live under their rule or die.
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Re: Millennial Panic - Chapter 3

Postby frice2000 » Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:00 am

Revisions re-read through:
has become nearly unheard of: survivors.”

Maybe here cut to a pre-recorded set of images of family members reuniting with those who were caught in the attack before then cutting to previous battles aftermaths with the dead being taken out? Possibly with that helping set up your interview with one of the survivors in a bit?

Ranma, the man she had been, didn't want to spend any more time in the fuku than he had to.

Shallow. That's the reason the male side is giving? Not the whole being a Princess, having past memories telling her to be girlish, breaking of her self-identity, worrying about the magic getting her stuck in female form forever...No rather then any of those much more important things he doesn't like a short skirt? There's so many better things for him to point to. Don't use that. Story deserves better.

Sure. I take care of Artemis too, after all,” she said, causing Artemis

Was this meeting off screen? Because unless Ranma remembered Artemis with Luna shouldn't Artemis have activated her fear too?

Thanks, Princess V- er,

Since they had a sisterly relationship perhaps not calling her by her title would make sense. Either a pet name, her first name from back then, or some combination of the two? I don't think you'd go about calling your friends and especially as close a friendship you are implying by a title really even if it is a slip. Maybe even a word not in English/Japanese but a Silver Millennium language just something that comes to mind that they both called each other and that word or set of words just comes out here.

“She's my sister.”

was like her sister. Because saying it like that is probably going to make people think you meant that literally.

Comments:
This is my source for Minako's family.

I think that's only true of the Sailor V manga and that when she moved back to Japan she did so without her parents. However, since their parents never are really seen except for Usagi's this is likely fuzzy.

But I didn't imagine anything nearly as in-depth as you did.

Still think that helps. You could reveal so much of what happened in the senshi's past in this radically different world. Could see that scene going far longer, maybe with the news reporter discussing the origins since so much has changed. Also, since so many people are dying at random that should be having an effect on society. People aren't going to just lay down and take it. In canon you could maybe get your head around the fact that since no one was dying the government and police wouldn't get too involved or be content to sit back. But in your universe likely hundreds of people have died, the pressure from the populace would be for the government to do something, the SDF would've likely tried to do something, etc. Just think you need to think that through a bit and the news report seems a logical place to do it.

her Serenity side doesn't like fighting

Stressing that more then the outfit and the male side being unhappy seems wiser. Think it'd make for a really interesting dynamic if you have a peace loving Princess part of Ranma being the one who doesn't want to fight and hurt anything or anyone, and the male Ranma being the one who really WANTS to be the one to fight. Again, the outfit is not the part the male Ranma would dislike about this situation especially with the whole disguise field thing.

Princess Serenity is still riding high and strong in her personality,

The problem with that is rather then them having a rather nice equal relationship and merging you introduce a lot of dominance depending on the form they are in seemingly. For me the real interest I had in this piece was the two parts of the personality coming together and making a stronger or weaker character, rather then one side being in control sometimes or the other other times. Half of Ranma after hearing "oh this will likely lock your curse", isn't screaming to find out if it's locked? Wouldn't that be what half of him thought was of paramount importance? Yes, wanting to track down his mother and I could see him wanting to discover her as soon as possible, but the entire time him worrying about his form at least seems like it'd be happening too, even if the male side was quieter at present.
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Re: Millennial Panic - Chapter 3

Postby frice2000 » Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:52 pm

spend a lot of time world-building here with the news report.

Wish you would spend some time on it likely would pay for later but if your creative juices are flowing yeah move on and come back to it later.

Artemis and Princess Venus

Meant Ranma and Artemis in this scene and later at home with Minako. Also where is Artemis when Ranma comes bursting in at the end? Seems like he'd be around.

Heart-chan? Love-chan?

With Venus's whip/chain moves perhaps something joking about that?

Can this be enough said until things

That's fine by me especially with the notes but do make things a little clearer to your readers. That can be in an authors note but some more layered text is likely a better place.
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Re: Millennial Panic - Chapter 3

Postby frice2000 » Tue Jul 17, 2012 9:40 am

She wanted to track down that idiot of a father that had put his own child through such a traumatic experience, and give him a Dead Scream point plank to the chest, but she decided that any such retribution was by rights Ranma's to give.

This is fine but as always when this is brought up I always think the reaction is too simplistic. Yes, Genma made plenty of awful and reprehensible mistakes raising Ranma but look at how successful he was in the same fashion. Ranma's a genius of a fighter and is in amazing physical condition. He challenges 300+ year olds in seemingly perfect condition and gives them a run for their money. So yes Genma went too far a lot...But again Ranma's insanely impressive. If you don't care about emotional scarring at all he's apparently a hell of a trainer.

Ranma had been that there had been none of Serenity's influence in his personality

Oh? Going with that huh? Interesting. If that was the case Genma worrying a LOT more about Ranma after Jusenkyo seems to make more sense. Mystery element too with the next bit? Very neat!

They caught him, and his transformation into a panda and innocent act had not fooled them for a moment.

Reads as a little awkward.

knew that that

Cut a that.

who was left? Luna? Artemis?

Unless you've edited it don't remember her meeting Artemis so she might not know he's around. Also thinking of Luna...shouldn't she being going to check on her at some point?

Anyway this works on the end here...but then so did what you had before. Remains a strong chapter.
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