Moon jump, but
Moon and jump that close together sounds like some sort of ability. Maybe divide it up a little?
“Is that it? I'm disappointed.”
I like the attitude and the description but I'm wondering if it's appropriate. Her friends and allies from her memories in a previous life are all down possibly dead, she's just had a zillion thoughts thrown into her head likely making her feel quite out of sorts...So while the humor and banter is fun, just not sure it fits with the scene you have set up. Again not to say it isn't a good read or I can't see this sort of Moon Ranma later, but right here? Maybe toning it down or taking things a bit more seriously.
Sailor moon
Capitalize Moon.
she heard Moon say.
Something more energetic maybe?
beginning of that,
awkward
treating it like ki.
cut. Already said that.
that's the way she wanted it.
I get that you're going to bring up this line to try to defuse my comments about the appropriateness of the levity in this scene, but still doesn't feel like enough. Should be too much going on psychologically for Ranma to be this smart in a fight. You could get away with this if you show Ranma disassociating herself more from the issues she must be having now, something Genma undeniably taught her, but a mention of that or a mention of some instability would be nice.
“So, Puu-Puu, how do I use magic?”
So her memories are quite good about past events but not so much on magic? Odd disparity.
“Do you know any ki projectile attacks?”
Hope you explain how she knows about this more then the 'Life Adapt' bit. I assume that was Silver Millennium set of techniques, so different terminology between then and now would make sense.
Tsukidouken
Is that Moon Love fist or something? Maybe a translation in the footnotes please?
“No, Puu-Puu, I don't remember
This starts well but then goes on unnaturally long. Needs more interjections by others. Too much of a monologue.
“Aren't you supposed to be guarding something?” Moon retorted, furthering the all too familiar argument.
“Spoiled brat!”
“Stuck-up time bitch!”
Highly fun and I personally am enjoying this quite a bit with this much of a different interaction, but man you are going to piss off some canon SM fans.
arrive to take the victims to the morgue.”
That's some very sadly dark stuff and should lead to some very adult and soldierly senshi. Hope that comes to fruition.
those dark kingdom
Capitalization.
Moon was becoming distraught.
Wish instead of the focus on the past or at the least in addition to it, he/she is distraught at the thought that lots of people are dead that her presence could have saved.
rank in the ears
rank? rang in the ears What you meant to type?
“I'm don't think
"I don't think
Nice chapter and amazingly quick turn around too. Developing nicely really. Wish I could give more comments about direction but setup still is a bit up in the air at this point. Overall though seems to be going in a great direction and I eagerly await your next chapter.
