Millennial Panic - Chapter 1

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Re: Millenial Panic - Chapter 1

Postby frice2000 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 12:32 pm

Genma, the older man, had thoughts that were actually rather simple. He was looking forward to finally getting his son, Ranma, locked into an engagement with one of the daughters of his old friend Soun. Uniting their martial arts schools was a dream he and Soun had had since before Ranma was born... and it would assure him of an easy life living on the Tendo Dojo property Ranma would inherit.

Nicely written but kind of unnecessary. We already know this from canon and it isn't different. Can be trimmed down a bit.

distracted by a growing need

I chuckled because I made that dirty in my mind. I'm a bad person.

shudder to think about how insufferably girly she acted

Maybe a quick thought of attack spells she might've learned from back then? Since that would be something other then the lack of worries he might like from the dreams. Perhaps in the coming fight with Genma trying to use one automatically? Would be intriguing perhaps.

someone I feel like they need me

someone needs me or I feel like someone needs me

it tore off toward the nearest tree and jumped and climbed up into its highest branches.

Hmm...This is a rather nice image but isn't Luna going to think her Princess is being attacked by a monster? Maybe she'd try attacking to save him/her rather then just running away? Works the way you have it written though, but a more aggressive Luna might be entertaining with such a different Princess.

. “Show some respect, boy. You sound like a girl.”

So no reaction on Genma regaining human form before this scene from those assembled? Would think that'd be on their minds. You seem to imply that Genma managed to change back after knocking on their door which seems difficult considering the canon set of events.

She sighed. Such a hunk, and he had to turn out to be gay.

Ohh...That's really quite interesting an assumption to make. Lot of fun that'll be. Props for that.

“Well, I'm not marrying him,

No Nabiki baiting her sister with what she thinks she knows about Ranma? Oh well would've been cute.

A mau that had been his closest friend. Emotion threatened to overwhelm him and he had to hold back tears. He shook his head to avoid that. Men didn't cry.

This is...really good here. Nicely done on the writing for this moment. Maybe have him call out her name too without the Nabiki interjection? The Nabiki comment just doesn't seem needed here.

feminine princess little girl

That needs to be rephrased. Kind of a jumble. feminine princess girly girl maybe? girly girl princess?

played tea parties

had tea parties Also perhaps add in something that wouldn't fit in so nicely with modern day thoughts about girly activities. We are talking about a different society a long time ago. So something less modern might be a nice add.

It was raining, and this of course triggered his change to his female form

You haven't described his feminine form and it really could use it since we're not sure at this stage whether she looks like Usagi or just Ranma's normal female form. Could use that description somewhere. Either here or in the dream remembrance bit from earlier. Somewhere.

His oldest and dearest friend from another life was here in his arms, and everything was okay.

So he remembers he's the Princess right off. That's fine but I'm not sure then that he'd become Sailor Moon. Since that isn't a 'real' form as it were and was just because Luna messed up with swiss-cheesed memories. So maybe a different outfit is called for later?

“Crescent Beam!”

“World Shaking!”

“Deep Submerge!”

“Dead Scream.”

Oh they're all there huh? Just give a bit more description to the setup of the fight scene then so we understand that. Something as easy as numbers or the colors of the skirts. Perhaps this pings Ranma's memories too and he remembers each of them? Perhaps calls them Senshi or...something. That part of the setup could be a bit tighter.

man amongst men

cut out the 'amongst men' part. Just man seems more solid.

“Princess Serenity?” she asked.

See again the problem. There is no Sailor Moon. And they know it. Just replace the "Sailor Moon" lines with Princess and it works fine.

inner guard

One of the Senshi? If so maybe cut to one of them being knocked down in front of her now and so she gets up and deals with it? Or simply stays in the memory. Might be more powerful then. Still this is a nice moment here.

No matter what he teaches you, no matter where you go, you'll always be my little boy

I've always taken Nodoka to not be quite so supportive considering what she wants and demands for with canon Ranma. I've always thought if Ranma ran to her crying she'd want him to be a bit more stoic, and wouldn't take well to that sort of thing. Still this does work nicely, just keep in mind the whole seppuku pact and how she agreed to it and acted in canon and how that may relate to her with a younger Ranma too is all.

I will destroy you!”

Nice variation on the usual speech there.

Ranma laughed. “I don't lose,” she said, and blurred forward toward her opponent.

Cutting it off there?! Cruel. Really does leave a reader wanting for the next chapter though so works well for that :).

Solid chapter that and it does nicely set up for the story. The fact that they've got so many memories of the past does throw a lot of monkey wrenches into what would be the first bits of SM canon though. What with Ranma remembering so much lots of events are going to be radically different. Of course so much of this is radically different already so I guess that was to be expected. Still this chapter was a very good selling point and was a very good read. Entertaining and does make me want to read your next one too so nice all in all. Look forward to seeing where you go with it.
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Re: Millenial Panic - Chapter 1

Postby frice2000 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 3:09 pm

and he returned to the gathering quickly. But nobody had enough time to react to him before Ranma threw him out in the rain again

Well if that is the case at least have people asking after the giant panda they saw and then mysteriously vanish :P. I would want to know where such an animal went if it suddenly walked into my house and then vanished into the ether.

But you're right, it does seem a bit awkward. I'll work on this scene.

Well if you want the events to continue and also for it to be a bit less awkward maybe have them looking at the cat. Akane likes animals, Nabiki might gripe about the costs of keeping said animals, and Kasumi is already happy to have it around. So, maybe that's going on in the background rather then the rather unrelated Nabiki comment? Could also describe how Luna is acting while getting handled if the three sisters are looking at her, which would lead nicely to Ranma and her doing the embracing moment you've got.

ancient magical society that a modern Ranma would immediately recognize as girly.

Etiquette, manners, the whole idea of marrying into nobility maybe? More esoterically perhaps magical weaving of something, sculpting something pretty with magic, creating gemstones, creating 'cute' magical spells and companions. Or perhaps magicyfing the tea parties or traditional feminine modern activities you have already. Adding talking stuffed animals, enchanted tea pots, enchanting dresses etc.

reading the Prologue that they'd all need to be there

Obvious from that yes. However, since this is the start of SM canon and it is radically different reiterating it for a second might be a good idea. Also you would have the chronologically older Senshi seemingly being directed by Venus, when really it seems to make sense that Setsuna would be the one doing the directing.

believe that they are one and the same

Ah makes sense then.

I've always thought Nodoka was a little gone in the head from loneliness and desire to see her son after so long

Yeah I've seen that justification given, I've always taken it as a bit darker and that she was a rather awful parents and that Genma wanted to get Ranma away from the crazy lady, but your premise is fine too.

What's a few memories more or less?

True but then you do introduce a few issues. Knowing who Mamoru was right off when he shows up would be one, remembering what the artifact she is likely using would be two and a couple more. Also with Setsuna around unless she lies to them couldn't she just pretty much run down the truth of the whole situation at this point? So there are problems but you seem to have a plan and aren't relying at all on SM canon. That'll likely irk a few folks by itself but overall don't think it will be too much of a problem since you do seem to have a solid plan in place.
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Re: Millenial Panic - Chapter 1

Postby frice2000 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 8:18 pm

“Yeah, yeah,”

The thing that struck me reading through this again is that you wanted to dull the slang and make his speech more feminine according to Nabiki for one. So, where the evidence of that is either in the actual text of what he's saying or in the description of how he's saying things to support that is a little lacking. Not a big deal but yeah something to consider. He IS far more introspective so we can see that but feminine I'm not getting. Some slip ups in previous speech here would work since Nabiki's later statement does seemingly come out of nowhere.

follow your feelings like a weak little girl.

Considering Genma's previous internal dialogue perhaps revising that a little?

no matter what kind of disguise she wore

Huh statement seems to imply that she disguised herself often. Maybe she did have some canon artifacts for that to work with.

Something had seemed slightly off about the boy's reaction,

Kind of adds another complication to this bit but didn't Nabiki just notice a man turn into a panda too? Wouldn't this be more on her mind then analyzing Ranma? Evidence of magic right in front of her and no reaction?

those dreams were just dreams

cut first 'dreams'

Ranma looked, and through

Perhaps a quick line here when Ranma talks or when he sees the Senshi fighting of saying out loud that the stuff wasn't just a dream?

“She's as good as dead anyway!”

That if true I imagine is going to result in some pretty hardcore damaged Senshi. They've probably seen a lot of death, no innocents.

gemflower arrangements,

That's a rather nice add.

Now you're alone

Now that you're alone

Nice changes a lot more solid. Could still use a bit more in places but overall strong.
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