Genma, the older man, had thoughts that were actually rather simple. He was looking forward to finally getting his son, Ranma, locked into an engagement with one of the daughters of his old friend Soun. Uniting their martial arts schools was a dream he and Soun had had since before Ranma was born... and it would assure him of an easy life living on the Tendo Dojo property Ranma would inherit.
Nicely written but kind of unnecessary. We already know this from canon and it isn't different. Can be trimmed down a bit.
distracted by a growing need
I chuckled because I made that dirty in my mind. I'm a bad person.
shudder to think about how insufferably girly she acted
Maybe a quick thought of attack spells she might've learned from back then? Since that would be something other then the lack of worries he might like from the dreams. Perhaps in the coming fight with Genma trying to use one automatically? Would be intriguing perhaps.
someone I feel like they need me
someone needs me or I feel like someone needs me
it tore off toward the nearest tree and jumped and climbed up into its highest branches.
Hmm...This is a rather nice image but isn't Luna going to think her Princess is being attacked by a monster? Maybe she'd try attacking to save him/her rather then just running away? Works the way you have it written though, but a more aggressive Luna might be entertaining with such a different Princess.
. “Show some respect, boy. You sound like a girl.”
So no reaction on Genma regaining human form before this scene from those assembled? Would think that'd be on their minds. You seem to imply that Genma managed to change back after knocking on their door which seems difficult considering the canon set of events.
She sighed. Such a hunk, and he had to turn out to be gay.
Ohh...That's really quite interesting an assumption to make. Lot of fun that'll be. Props for that.
“Well, I'm not marrying him,
No Nabiki baiting her sister with what she thinks she knows about Ranma? Oh well would've been cute.
A mau that had been his closest friend. Emotion threatened to overwhelm him and he had to hold back tears. He shook his head to avoid that. Men didn't cry.
This is...really good here. Nicely done on the writing for this moment. Maybe have him call out her name too without the Nabiki interjection? The Nabiki comment just doesn't seem needed here.
feminine princess little girl
That needs to be rephrased. Kind of a jumble. feminine princess girly girl maybe? girly girl princess?
played tea parties
had tea parties Also perhaps add in something that wouldn't fit in so nicely with modern day thoughts about girly activities. We are talking about a different society a long time ago. So something less modern might be a nice add.
It was raining, and this of course triggered his change to his female form
You haven't described his feminine form and it really could use it since we're not sure at this stage whether she looks like Usagi or just Ranma's normal female form. Could use that description somewhere. Either here or in the dream remembrance bit from earlier. Somewhere.
His oldest and dearest friend from another life was here in his arms, and everything was okay.
So he remembers he's the Princess right off. That's fine but I'm not sure then that he'd become Sailor Moon. Since that isn't a 'real' form as it were and was just because Luna messed up with swiss-cheesed memories. So maybe a different outfit is called for later?
“Crescent Beam!”
“World Shaking!”
“Deep Submerge!”
“Dead Scream.”
Oh they're all there huh? Just give a bit more description to the setup of the fight scene then so we understand that. Something as easy as numbers or the colors of the skirts. Perhaps this pings Ranma's memories too and he remembers each of them? Perhaps calls them Senshi or...something. That part of the setup could be a bit tighter.
man amongst men
cut out the 'amongst men' part. Just man seems more solid.
“Princess Serenity?” she asked.
See again the problem. There is no Sailor Moon. And they know it. Just replace the "Sailor Moon" lines with Princess and it works fine.
inner guard
One of the Senshi? If so maybe cut to one of them being knocked down in front of her now and so she gets up and deals with it? Or simply stays in the memory. Might be more powerful then. Still this is a nice moment here.
No matter what he teaches you, no matter where you go, you'll always be my little boy
I've always taken Nodoka to not be quite so supportive considering what she wants and demands for with canon Ranma. I've always thought if Ranma ran to her crying she'd want him to be a bit more stoic, and wouldn't take well to that sort of thing. Still this does work nicely, just keep in mind the whole seppuku pact and how she agreed to it and acted in canon and how that may relate to her with a younger Ranma too is all.
I will destroy you!”
Nice variation on the usual speech there.
Ranma laughed. “I don't lose,” she said, and blurred forward toward her opponent.
Cutting it off there?! Cruel. Really does leave a reader wanting for the next chapter though so works well for that .
Solid chapter that and it does nicely set up for the story. The fact that they've got so many memories of the past does throw a lot of monkey wrenches into what would be the first bits of SM canon though. What with Ranma remembering so much lots of events are going to be radically different. Of course so much of this is radically different already so I guess that was to be expected. Still this chapter was a very good selling point and was a very good read. Entertaining and does make me want to read your next one too so nice all in all. Look forward to seeing where you go with it.