Millennial Panic - Prologue

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Re: Millenial Panic - Prologue

Postby frice2000 » Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:59 pm

there is a small island

But if it's a formless void how can it be there? I demand physics and mathematical equations to support your description. Seems wayyy too loose without them. Go on 15 page mathematical calculations please. :)

and when the civilization's origin became tied up in the gates,

Was of course kidding about the last one, but this one seems like it could use a little more expansion...unless you've got plans for later.

spanned light-years

Interesting. That usually isn't done in these stories.

assigned guardians to each of the planets inside its borders

Again going into some detail on the others and offering some hypothesis on their origin and then we don't get any for the Senshi? Odd omission.

and prevented her from throwing herself into a futile death, all so the nine of them would have a chance for a future.

Nice enough summary as it goes with all this prior information but as all kind of explanations such as this are it's kind of impersonal. Since you're already doing a time travel thing with Usa or whatever why not use these same lines but adapt them to dialogue and have your character equivalent of Usa be learning about this in a class maybe? That'd maybe seem more interesting and also make this more personal while also allowing you to interject some personality into the story.

and send them

and sent them

Venus' deception

Venus's deception. Grammar rule is almost always an 's even if it is after a name that ends in s.

silver millenium

Capitalized? Not sure.

“O-okay. What do I need to know?”

Interesting characterization.

But Luna doesn't have enough time.”

Expand that. Since obviously that's what she's doing, simply say that is what you're doing buying time.

future me, what have you done?”

Ehh...could be better. Make this more personal. She's watching herself die. This should be pretty disturbing for her.

the Moon Princess again,

Seems a bit impersonal really, could use something more.

Sailor Saturn had been awakened

Mistress 9 possession is not a problem?

that idea was vetoed by Sailor Saturn herself; she refused to end everything as long as there was a chance to defeat the Dark Kingdom without it.

Think you need to show that scene. Seems important.

Not a bad start at all. Could use a bit more expansion and a bit more showing of scenes in a few places but overall a solid start. I do have a couple questions though. As to the Senshi themselves have you thought about how having Ranma as a Princess and no Sailor Moon up till later then in canon is going to change them? Usagi was sort of the glue holding them together as they are a rather disparate bunch. I'd imagine Ami to be a lot more reclusive, Makoto to be a bit more violent, Rei to be a lot more standoffish, Minako to be forced into a more traditional leadership role, Hotaru to have a lot more confidence and not fear her power since she is saving the world right now, Haruka and Michiru might be pretty unchanged but will likely respect a less flighty leader a bit more so their canon personalities will be tempered, and Setsuna is going to be radically changed what with being forced into a leadership role and also because they'll likely look up to her solely due to the age difference. Anyway, again intriguing start look forward to seeing where you take it.
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Re: Millenial Panic - Prologue

Postby frice2000 » Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:15 pm

Sorry, I don't know how I could have missed Chibiranko's

Ah I just thought from the ideas thread that she was going to be in like next chapter. If that isn't the case obviously that wouldn't work. It's just a bit too much info thrown in to paragraphs and showing it in a story or a lesson would've just given it something more to connect with as an idea. Reading through descriptive set up text is fine but making it more 'fun' or interesting if you've got a way to do it is always a good idea, especially if it also builds your characters.

Again, thanks. That's one of the few things I always have problems with :/

Basically the rule for the apostrophe s thing is rather misunderstood in general. Supposedly the only names you leave alone are things like Jesus', or really important religious figures in general. But that rule is usually and often ignored so the incorrect rules are considered so correct that some editors change it to being wrong as a matter of course. Use what you like for it seems to be the general rule since the rule is ignored :P.

I'm actually open to suggestion here. She just came face to face to herself, knowing that it would never happen.

Think blood/injuries helps you. Like maybe the addition of the future Setsuna's gates being actually successfully attacked and conquered by Dark Kingdom forces so she's badly injured, has set her gates to go boom to prevent a current danger in said future, and is also dying of her injuries not dying because she stopped time. That makes for a more rapid and more emotional scene then dying because of breaking her vows as it were. Though that has been done before, it still works nicely when done. Then Setsuna has to bury herself and all which I imagine is awkward.

I could have Sailor Saturn awakened before Professor Tomoe imbued her with the egg containing Mistress 9

Pretty sure they implanted the egg into her right after the lab explosion and with the Professor trying to save his daughter, which is why she remained physically weak and such if I remember my canon correctly. However, without them strengthening the possessing entity you could possibly rectify the problem with the super strong awakening of Saturn simply destroying the not yet strengthened Mistress 9. Perhaps it is ejected and possesses someone else for a later story, perhaps Saturn is forced to kill her possessed father too...But yeah it does sort of have to be dealt with right away sadly, unless you want said entity still in Hotaru even though she's a Senshi but that makes things a tad weird.

I'll see if I can work it in. It didn't seem as important to write it out

But it is. Canon had Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto quite antagonistic to Saturn. So showing a scene where Saturn is very human and refusing to destroy Earth should nicely break that whole distrust issue they have with her, and also shows her as being a very nicely balanced character. Establishing the relationship dynamic among the outers, and a brief view into the inners would also be nice there.
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Re: Millenial Panic - Prologue

Postby frice2000 » Wed Jul 04, 2012 10:12 pm

she's disappearing because she just destroyed her gate

Oh I got that is what you wanted as well just think something more visceral is a bit better. I don't quite understand why blowing up her gate removes her since she's already in the past and made that transition with time stopped and the gate still existing though. But if I follow your chain of events the logic does seem a little weird to me, but then we are talking about time travel so it's all a silly question anyway since you can do whatever you want however I broke it down anyway because...I don't know why I just did. So the chain of events seems to be: 1. She casts spell to destroy gates. 2. Stops time. 3. Goes back in time. 4. Time restarts. 5. Spell she cast to destroy gates destroys gates. 6. Since she cast that spell before destroying gates she didn't go back in time but instead dies now and fades out. The question that raises is how then did she go back in time since the gates were destroyed in a normal time flow. But again whatever fuck time do what you want :P.

Did it happen before the sailor moon storyline happened,

Yes pretty sure if happened before SM canon or there were even Senshi. It happened when Hotaru was very young or even a baby and thanks to Hotaru's chronological age in canon that should easily predate SM canon. Sorry that that makes things murky for you but almost certain that is the case, though I could be wrong. The various SM wiki's I just looked through seem to support that, but I'm not completely confident in my analysis of that and I don't remember from my read through of the manga from years ago.

I'd actually beg to differ here. In Canon, Neptune and Uranus were antagonistic to Saturn because Pluto had deliberately tried to interfere with Saturns awakening

And that all came from the suspicion and distaste at awakening her came from the fact that a Senshi that could destroy the world know destroy the world. There isn't much of a change to that fear here. Yes, they need her to fight the monsters but if you're fighting monsters with the equivalent of a nuclear weapon and she refuses to be said nuclear weapon it makes you a bit less scared of her. Still they should be...hesitant around her I'd imagine at the least.
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Re: Millenial Panic - Prologue

Postby frice2000 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 2:37 am

That was rather unnecessary and a little rude

Wasn't referring to you just time. Sorry if you thought I was.

Happosai could 'accidentally

Seen the Happosai get possessed before a few times but that could be pretty interesting. Maybe someone who isn't as involved in the events of canon might be more interesting though. A background player elevated to the foreground by the possession and its aftermaths might be fun. Kasumi comes to mind as a more interesting target to me. But that's probably just bias from over Happi villain use for me.

doesn't belong in the prologue.

OK. The only thing then that I'd say about the prologue is that when you're looking to publish to FFnet or whatever is that you post this and Chapter 1 possibly together. Concepts introduced here look like they could be a lot of fun but not sure you have sold the story well enough with this alone, though you did in the idea section of this forum, but since others aren't going to be seeing the details of your plans might want to give more of a taste either with publishing Chapter 1 with this prologue or expanding out some more scenes. Don't get me wrong this reads fine and if it was the start of a fully published novel you'd have caught my interest and kept me reading but if I had to wait too long in a serial work not sure this prologue got me excited enough to keep going. Again that doesn't mean I thought it was bad, I didn't. Just didn't have something that I can point to and go damn that's memorable yet. And maybe could use one. The two Setsuna's scene was pretty nice maybe for that purpose but could use some more spice to really make it pop.
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