A Game Is Fine Too Ch. 3, first complete draft

This is for posting Fiction and C&C replies ONLY. Note this does not have to be a "fukufic" or evenfanfiction. All longform creative writing allowed. Replying posts must give actual commentary, no "GREAT IDEA" or "THIS SUCKS".

Re: A Game Is Fine Too Ch. 3, first complete draft

Postby gsteemso » Mon Jul 02, 2012 11:45 pm

How’s this look?

* * *

Ryoga stalked confidently down the street after Ranma. No cheap psychological tricks would get the better of this Hibiki! It helped that she didn’t have to hold his hand like a kindergartener any more, even with the other problems that went with that. After they had both realized that Ryoga would do almost anything rather than get lost while equipped with only a bikini, Ranma had been very relieved to stop holding her hand. Ryoga, on the other hand, had for obvious reasons had decidedly mixed feelings about it.

“Yo!” came a confident voice from behind her. Startled — who would be talking to her this far from home? — she turned her head and saw a boy a little older than herself, suffering from a really severe case of acne. She absently stopped walking, staring in horrified fascination. It almost looked like the pimples were moving. She suddenly realized he’d said something, and said, “Pardon? Sorry, I was thinking about something else.”

“No worries, chicka. I’m-a thinkin’ we’s got all aftanoo’ to get betta… acquainted.” His exaggerated street language was made even more obvious by the way he dropped the last word of that in without the twist he’d given the rest.

“Eh? Why would you say that?” Ryoga was completely puzzled. Was she supposed to know this zit-encrusted dork from somewhere?

The pimply-faced boy looked a bit less at ease than he had started out, but remained confident. “Ye’z a-gonna help me wit’ ma new mattress, it smell’ good now and smell even betta afta’ you an’ me has some fun on it. I finkin’ a-t’ree hours’a do it. Whass yer’ate?”

Ryoga stared at the unfamiliar boy in disbelief. “What did you just ask me? I’m sure I heard you wrong.”

The acne-ridden teen looked at her oddly, his easy smirk now a fading memory, and dropped his uneven attempt to speak in a “street” accent. “What are you, deaf? I said, ‘How much for three hours?’ Or should I be asking your pimp instead?” His eyes ranged past her to where Ranma had just worked out that Ryoga was no longer following right behind him.

Ranma had time to take almost a step and a half back towards the two, before having to stop as Ryoga’s shriek of outrage split the air (and threatened to do the same to everyone nearby’s eardrums). When he opened his eyes again from his split-second wince of pain, the acne-ridden stranger was nowhere to be seen, though some clue to his whereabouts could be gleaned from Ryoga’s infuriated, fang-baring snarl and the fist she was holding above her head in a follow-through position. The pose did very nice things to her appearance — a painter of swords-and-sorcery pulp covers would have been ecstatic — but Ranma was too busy grabbing the outstretched fist and getting the hell out of Dodge to really pay attention. Well, that’s the second goal achieved ahead of schedule, he mused idly as he led her surly form across the rooftops, being sure to head in a different direction than Zit Boy had probably been sent.
Last edited by gsteemso on Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
The world’s only gsteemso
gsteemso
User avatar
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 150
 

Re: A Game Is Fine Too Ch. 3, first complete draft

Postby frice2000 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 12:07 am

would do almost anything rather than get lost while equipped with only a bikini

anything to prevent getting lost? Anything to avoid? As written it's off.

Or should I be asking your pimp instead?”

Aww too bad Ranma walked off Ranma doing the gallant routine to the female looking Ryouga would've been an interesting dynamic.

Overall feels better with those additions.
frice2000
User avatar
Asteroid Senshi
Posts: 572
 

Re: A Game Is Fine Too Ch. 3, first complete draft

Postby LawOhki » Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:02 am

The slang is too much, just make him a normal sounding guy who uses poorly done innuendo. Perhaps have Ryoga take everything to be something innocent.
LawOhki
User avatar
Moon Senshi
Posts: 1591
 

Re: A Game Is Fine Too Ch. 3, first complete draft

Postby gsteemso » Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:08 am

[quote=gsteemso]would do almost anything rather than get lost while equipped with only a bikini[/quote]

frice2000 wrote:anything to prevent getting lost? Anything to avoid? As written it's off.


Um, that’s not at all an unusual way to phrase that. What about it looks odd to you?

Aww too bad Ranma walked off Ranma doing the gallant routine to the female looking Ryouga would've been an interesting dynamic.


ROFL! Unfortunately, he would more likely have just stood by and busted a gut laughing — he knows Ryoga’s hardly fragile, and it was his whole goal with this expedition to show her why, in his opinion, being female sucks.

Overall feels better with those additions.


Thanks! I think I can probably get on with new material, then. Not sure what story I’ll pick up next. Might be The Disorderly Princess and the Fiery Steed Chapter Four. Might actually be my HP fic. Depends on whether I feel like rereading Chamber of Secrets in order to get the timeline right.
Last edited by gsteemso on Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
The world’s only gsteemso
gsteemso
User avatar
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 150
 

Re: A Game Is Fine Too Ch. 3, first complete draft

Postby gsteemso » Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:11 am

Whoops, didn’t see I’d spilled over onto a second page of this thread. Guess I can’t post this just yet.

LawOhki wrote:The slang is too much, just make him a normal sounding guy who uses poorly done innuendo. Perhaps have Ryoga take everything to be something innocent.


I’d love to, but unfortunately I have no idea where to start. Can you suggest anything?
The world’s only gsteemso
gsteemso
User avatar
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 150
 

Re: A Game Is Fine Too Ch. 3, first complete draft

Postby gsteemso » Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:27 pm

Yeah, it will be covered to some extent. I just didn’t want to drop in a big expository section. (That word always sounds too close to “suppository” for me to want anything to do with it. :¬D )
The world’s only gsteemso
gsteemso
User avatar
Senshi Cadet
Posts: 150
 

Re: A Game Is Fine Too Ch. 3, first complete draft

Postby Spokavriel » Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:56 pm

I can't help but wonder how Ryouga will react to guys around Furinken after this experience.
Image
Spamville Character ProfileArchived Current Senshi of Ophelia (Uranus VII).
My Console Video Games
Spokavriel
User avatar
Eternal Power Senshi
Posts: 47773
 


Return to Stories and C&C

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users

cron