Crimson Senshi

[EdenB]

Eden B, don't just claim others have argued something for you or base arguments off vauge memories.

I didn't mean for you to take that as an argument. I was directing that to whoever said it mostly, incase they remembered and wanted to repost it, or if you remembered it yourself. I said I would leave that point alone and not argue it basically.
As for memories, I remember most of that story, i'm just admitting that I may have forgotten small bits. I'm sure you don't remember every single panel in the manga yourself off by heart.
But for proof of sorts for a previous point:
Female Ranma begging a nude dying Akane not to leave him: http://ranmahentai.ranma.ws/RanmaManga/ ... 38-151.gif
Would he have such a strong reaction if it was someone he wasn't attracted too/crushing on/loved?
Really though it seems like you've got your opinion and won't change and i've got mine which wouldn't change without proof. You used Ranma on dates as an example, I used wishing sword as a reason to remove the curse, you dismissed it and all other reasons given without stating why. Ranma rarely shows he's attracted to males or females also so saying where is he attracted to girls in girl type without saying where he's attracted to boys in girl type that isn't an act to get something is redunant if i'm just arguing that he doesn't seem to be attracted to males, not that he's attracted to females.
It's actually fine as far as fanfiction goes, since you said it might be somewhat AU and OOC, but you've not really given a reason for it.

[nav]

One of the reasons we enjoy fanfiction so much is because we can take our favorite characters and put them into unusual situations, i.e. crossovers. Everyone sees the characters different and, as such, may have different conceptions of that character.
Ranma, for example, has many conflicting points which can be interpreted many different ways. Just because a person's character interpretation is different in no reason to dismiss a story out of hand.
Now for the critique.
I like the way your story is going and am willing to wait to see if some of Ranma's old character traits appear.
Like some of the others before I believe a couple of the paragraphs were too long and involved. I believe you are like me in that you feel a hurry to get to the meat of the story and tend to develop the into too fast.
Looking forward to more.

[DCG]

"more subtle than that"
You? subtle? Right..
As for every thing else im see'ing here you don't take c&c to well..
Did you read the "things we hate in fanfiction" thread? You nailed a bunch of em. Right at the top of the list is "Instant girl ranma".
If you want that at lest work for it. And you don't even have to get ride of the curse to do it. Just have ranma slipping more and more into the roll of serenity the morre she uses the power.

[Nekomata-sensei]

"more subtle than that"
You? subtle? Right..
As for every thing else im see'ing here you don't take c&c to well..
Did you read the "things we hate in fanfiction" thread? You nailed a bunch of em. Right at the top of the list is "Instant girl ranma".
If you want that at lest work for it. And you don't even have to get ride of the curse to do it. Just have ranma slipping more and more into the roll of serenity the morre she uses the power.

So, are you saying to make the bonding slow, rather than instantaneous? Onna-Ranma would slowly become more and more like Serenity?
I dunno, that almost seems like a copout to me. Like Ranma would be getting this huge boost of power thanks to the ginsuzishou for nothing. I saw Ranma's price for power as being giving up his manhood.
But, you're idea doesn't really conflict with the core ideas I had for this story. I really just want Ranma to take the role of Sailor Moon, with a neko-ken fused with Serenity in the body of a cat as Ranma's advisor, and trying to recruit a new team of senshi from pure of heart girls around him, while trying to stop Beyrl from taking over the world.
Perhaps my approach was wrong?

[WG_Writer]

what I think that everyone here is getting at is that its too fast. what we have here is roughly a cinderella story. nobody with no past of royality, with being raised as an almost outsider to society is suddenly, magically turned into a 'perfect' princess.
I know you want it to be a Ranma as Serenity or rather become like Serenity story. But, like a bandaid removing the old ranma to replace with the new one so fast, is painful. I also know that you have a plan for this story, but try reading this story, what you wrote so far, starting at the car ride and try and find any traits of Ranma that couldn't be done by a no name generic character.
Simply saying Ranma turned into Ichigo is easy, but lets see Ichigo act like Ranma, lets see her get into a brawl, fence walk, casual display of stregnth, eat like a pig, something, anything. Some out of character bahaviour is to be expected, but 10+ years of acting one way is not going to be fixed in 2 weeks, not perminately.
The best way I can advise you on to salvage what you wrote is to break it into 2 chapters, the second starts after the 2 weeks, the first ends with at minimum an over view of events during it, the creation of Luna for example.
All we want to see is proof that this is still Ranma, some sign he is still in there even if he is a she. a story requires struggle, both physical and mental. Usually the physcial affects plot directly, and Mental is character growth, if you finish character growth in chapter 1 then Ichigo will just be a walking powerhouse who flawlessly uses abilities and never fails outside a plot point.

[Pale Wolf]

I dunno, that almost seems like a copout to me. Like Ranma would be getting this huge boost of power thanks to the ginsuzishou for nothing. I saw Ranma's price for power as being giving up his manhood.

It doesn't mean he needs to give it up immediately.
'Price for power' isn't like going to the supermarket. You don't pay then get your goods, because it's more subtle than that. Slipping into the Serenity role and gradually feeling more comfortable as a female is more in line with the real concept of a price for power than the 'supermarket' model you've got here.
And if Serenity predicted this effect and didn't warn him?
Again, I have to agree - show the change. Show the growth. If Ranma's being magically-screwed-with, hint at it in the story, not the author's notes.
And scrap the description paragraphs. Just say what she looks like, enough to differentiate Ranma's appearance from Ichigo's. Scrap the statements of her boosted abilities and just write it down in notes, and reveal what she gained and what she lost when she actually has to bring it out in combat. Her chi blasts are weaker? Mention it when she actually has to use them - in fact, make it a problem.

[Shadowbakasama]

I don't like the whole instant girl Ranma and think that Ranma wouldn't give up his manhood except as a LAST resort. I think that Ranma would have to loose several battles against youma or Drak Generals before he would lock his curse, and even then would try and keep the option open to unlock it. Look at how hard he has tryed to unlock his curse in the past. In fact I believe that locking Ranma as a girl could make him psychotic after a few months.
Ranma is also a very poor choice for the princess. He is missing alot of education, is socially retarded, has a huge ego, and is can be remarkably petty. A better choice would be using him as a champion/consort to the princess and maybe have him searching for a girl fit to be the princess.
It seems like a Deux ex Machina for the crystal to have scanned all of Japan and China for a suitable princess and settled for Ranma. A better idea would be for Ranma to search for girls with magical potential and fighting ability and have the crystal gift them with Senshi powers, then wait for one of them to prove herself worthy of the Princess position. Of course this also creates an expanded love tetrahedron that is a staple of Ranma 1/2.

[pspinler]

I really just want Ranma to take the role of Sailor Moon

Uh, a silly question, but why Ranma, as opposed to any other character or an original character? Especially if you're going to make that deep of a change to Ranma? What you're doing essentially makes Ranma not be Ranma at all, in my opinion.
I recently read another post which states this well. Unfortunately I can't find now, but if you'll allow me to paraphrase:

Take away everything that makes the Ranma character Ranma. The rudeness, the implusiveness, the coarseness, the curse (by locking it), his sense of masculinity, change the name, etc.
If the story isn't harmed, then, your character isn't Ranma.

-- Pat

[Nekomata-sensei]

I guess it's a certain thing about Ranma's character, and more importantly, Ranma's history and fighting ability, that I want to retain.
I just read the Return for the first time, so I have a bit better idea of how to slowly transform a character. Although I can't use the protective mother shtick with this story.
Thinking back on things, I realize that part of my influences for this are reading a lot of stories with Ranma being OOC, alterverses where the only difference is Ranma is better behaved and more mature, which of course sparks a series of differences.
That being said, here is the begginings of my re-write, sorry about the abrupt cutoff, I was having trouble with this conversation.
Serenity was about to send the senshi forward, into the future, to bring hope to it, but she hesitated, 'How did Beyrl's forces cause such incredible destruction? Where did she get the information needed to coordinate her attacks so perfectly? Could I have a traitor? No... It can't be... but I must check...'
What Serenity found horrified and disgusted her, Pluto had orchestrated the whole thing! She was planning on using the time gates to engineer some distant, perfect future she'd come up with, killing trillions just to achieve her disgusting goal of a utopia without free will.
"I don't have enough power to defeat Pluto and send the senshi forward... but their powers will still be needed... I will just make sure my power discovers a new worthy wielder who can choose new senshi then, I suppose." Serenity decided with finality.
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"Wake up delinqient!"
"Huh?" Ranma's eyes blinked open as he caught the piece of chalk, 'That was a weird dream...'
Hinako glared, "It's only your first day back from summer vacation and you're already sleeping in class Saotome! I don't care if you just had a failed wedding with Miss Tendo, you _will_ stay awake and pay attention in my class, or else!" Hinako held up a coin threateningly
Not wanting to be drained Ranma sat up and chuckled nervously, "Sorry Hinako-sensei..."
"Good, now pay attention!" Hinako said, and she returned to lecturing on sentence structure.
Ranma began to tone out the lesson, it wasn't that interesting, and Ranma's English was already passable thanks to his travels. Instead, he focused on the strange dream he'd had, 'What a weird dream... It was like a memory... but of someone else... some queen lady whose magical kingdom was destroyed, when she was betrayed by some Pluto chick I think... I wonder if I ate something funny recently...'
"Saotome! Can you tell me what an adverb is?" Hinako demanded.
"Err..." Ranma panicked, "A type of sound effect?"
"That's a reverb!" Hiroshi said as most of the class sweat dropped.
"You weren't paying attention!" Hinako screeched, "Happo Fifty-Yen Satsu!"
Students nearby Ranma leapt out of the way as Ranma got drained and Hinako changed into her adult form. Ranma groaned, and then lost consciousness.
"Wake up!" Hinako yelled.
"Sensei, I think there is something wrong with him." Ukyo said, "He looks a bit off color."
Hinako frowned, Ranma _was_ looking a bit pale, "Hiroshi-san, take Saotome-san to the nurse's office."
"Um, he's a bit heavy for me..." Hiroshi said uncertainly.
"Fine then, have Daisuke-san help you." Hinako said, "But come right back once you drop Saotome-san off."
"Hai sensei!" the two boys saluted, one grabbing Ranma's feet and the other his arms, and carrying him out of the classroom.
"I could have done that on my own." Ukyo noted.
Akane growled, "I could have as well!"
"That's enough! This fiancée mess of Saotome-san's is exactly the reason I didn't have either of you carry him to the nurse's office! Now can anyone else tell me what an adverb is?"
***
Ranma was a bit confused at where he found himself, it appeared to be the palace where the 'dream' he'd had before had taken place, although it was no longer damaged as if it had been the sight of a great battle and strewn with bodies, instead, it was empty, except for the throne where sat the queen he'd been in the body of during the 'dream'.
Ranma checked himself and discovered he was himself, in his normal outfit of a red silk shirt and black kung fu pants.
"Hello Ranma."
Ranma looked up at the kindly voice, and realized it was the queen lady, "Um... hello..." he said, deciding to go along, unsure if he was dreaming.
"I'm afraid I don't have much time to explain, I'm not certain how long you'll be in this trance." the woman said, "My name is Serenity, I was once the queen of an ancient empire that ruled over most of the Solar System, even inhabiting planets that are no longer capable of supporting life today. It was a time known as the Silver Millennium, a time of peace and prosperity, where the ideals of the people and ruling class centered around love and justice. Unfortunately, one of my most trusted warriors, who possessed the ability to use an artifact that could see into the future, abused her powers and attempted to create a future Utopia at the cost of trillions of lives, inciting a terrible rebellion with a demonic army to destroy our civilization. By my best estimation, this was approximately 10,000 years ago, and earth is now the only inhabitable planet, and far behind the technology and magic levels present in the Silver Millennium.
"I can contact you again later if you take the Gekkaja and Kinjakan out of that primitive subspace pocket you have them stored in since you're battle with Saffron and bring them together. I will allow you to do this because I can sense from your aura that you are pure of heart. My remaining spirit is contained within this artifact."
"What? Are you, like, some kind of ghost? Are you the one that I was dreaming about?" Ranma asked.
"I'm not exactly a ghost, more like a memory, but I doubt you'd really understand my explanation. Suffice to say that I'm dead, and lack the power to do what must be done, as I've sacrificed my own soul to prevent humanity from being enslaved by demons. You must combine the Gekkaja and Kinjakan to restore the Legendary Silver Crystal. It's power will be needed again soon, Beyrl's armies are already beginning to pierce the dimensional barriers and will soon return to enslave the Earth. I barely had the power to induce this trance on you. I can only contact you further if you restore the Legendary Silver Crystal. To do so, you must hold the Gekkaja and Kinjakan together and cry some tears on each, you must do so in your cursed form, because only the tears of a pure of heart girl can restore the Legendary Silver Crystal." Serenity said.
"How can I know I can trust you?" Ranma asked warily, having encountered a number of untrustworthy spirits in the past.
"I-"
***
Ranma suddenly was jerked awake and found himself in the nurse's office.
"I don't see you in here often Saotome-san." the nurse chuckled, "Normally it's you or Tendo-san sending Kuno-san in."
"Ehehehe..." Ranma laughed nervously.
"So what made you faint like that? Did Hinako-sensei go overboard with her draining?" the nurse asked seriously.
"Nah, I was just exhausted already." Ranma replied, "Haven't had much of a chance to recover my reserves after the big battle I had in China to save Akane."
"My, my, I didn't hear about this. Then again, I'm usually left out of the local gossip. I'll give you a snack before sending you back to class if you tell me what this is all about." the nurse said.
"You've got a deal." Ranma replied.
...
"I see... you certainly get into dangerous adventures Ranma-kun." the nurse said with a frown as Ranma finished up the tray of sandwiches and the glass of water she'd given him. Well, more accurately, her, since the first glass of water had spilled and Ranma was currently in cursed form.
"Yeah, just my luck I guess." Ranma replied with a shrug, "I guess I'm starting to get used to the craziness. Either that, or I'm going crazy myself. Everyone's fine, so that's all that really matters."
"Are you sure you're feeling all right Ranma-kun? You've been looking a bit uncomfortable." the nurse said.
Ranma flushed brightly, and looked around warily for eavesdroppers, "Eh... well, it's my period..."
"Oh..." the nurse replied with a sweat drop.
"You won't tell anyone, right?" Ranma demanded suddenly.
"Of course not, it would be unprofessional. I am bound by law and oath to keep my patients secrets. I do hope however, that you've had the talk, in a manner meant for young women. There are things about a girl's body that they don't usually tell young men that you'd probably need to know if the transformation is that complete." the nurse warned.
Ranma nodded, "An lady in China who spoke some Japanese who was running a clinic there gave me the talk. Kasumi figured out I have periods about a week after I moved in with the Tendos, and she made sure I knew everything I'd need to." she shuddered at the memories.
"If you don't mind my asking, what happens when-"
"-change back during them?" Ranma supplied, she sighed, "There is an uncomfortable pressure that builds up if I stay a guy for too long during the periods, and they tend to get longer if I stay a guy too much. I usually sleep in girl form during them to help get them over with." Ranma explained.
"How do you deal with the bleeding? You obviously don't use tampons, and I've heard you don't wear panties." the nurse pointed out.
"I wear guy's briefs, rather than boxers, during them. Briefs can hold a pad well enough. It's uncomfortable when I'm a guy, but it's better than people finding out." Ranma shuddered at the thought of Nabiki finding out and spreading the knowledge of just how complete Ranma's transformation was.
"Well, if you ever have feminine troubles during school, don't hesitate to come here for help. I usually keep a supply of pads and tampons for girls who forgot to bring them which I sell here, and of course I have aspirin for migraines as well." the nurse pulled out a notepad and began writing on it, "Here, I'll write you a note to get back to class. Sorry I don't have a way to heat up hot water in here for you. If I'm right about your class though, you have PE in just about 15 minutes, so you can change with the showers..." the nurse hesitated, "Actually, I'm not so sure that's a good idea."
"Huh?" Ranma blinked.
"Well, just that, with your transformation being that complete, I'm not sure if it's appropriate for you to be changing and showering in the boys' locker room." the nurse said.
"I'd certainly prefer not to." Ranma groused, "All those perverts keep trying to splash me with cold water and see my girl form when I'm changing, or shut off the hot water to do the same when I'm showering. It's damn annoying."
"Well, I can't send you to the girls' locker rooms for similar reasons. But the PE teacher has their own separate shower and locker room in their office. I'll write you a note requesting they allow you to use that to avoid continued harassment this year." the nurse said, "Don't worry, I won't mention your periods."
"Thanks!" Ranma replied.
...
"I suppose I can let you use my locker rooms." the PE teacher said with a frown, "But it's back to the boy's locker rooms for you if you abuse this privilege, don't leave a mess or let anyone else use this key I'm giving you."
"Thanks sensei!" Ranma replied happily.
"Wait a second-" the teacher said, "we're using the pool today, so you should stay a girl and change into your swimsuit. The freshmen classes use the field and the senior classes the gym during the first couple months of school, the junior classes use the pool during this time."
Ranma scowled, "Um, hold on, I need to go back to the nurse's office, I left something there I think."
"Fine, be quick about it. I want to see you at the pool with everyone else right on time. If you're late, you'll get marked off." the teacher replied.
Ranma bolted out of the office and soon found herself at the nurses office.
"Back so soon?" the nurse asked.
"I need to buy a tampon." Ranma whispered.
The nurse raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure that's a good idea? Don't you only use pads?"
"They get shoved out if I change." Ranma replied awkwardly, "But we're going to the swimming pool today, and I can't wear a pad with a bathing suit."
"Oh." the nurse replied, "Just a minute, I'll get them out."
...
"Hey, Ranma, you okay?" Hiroshi asked as everyone was doing stretches by the side of the pool.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I was just really tired when Hinako-sensei drained me before, that's all." Ranma replied.
"Hey, where were you when we were dressing out?" one boy asked lecherously.
"I'm not dressing out with you guys anymore." Ranma replied with disgust.
"What?! They're letting you use the girls' locker rooms?!" another asked jealously, "Man, I gotta get a curse."
"No you idiot, the girls would never allow that. I'm using the PE teacher's office showers." Ranma snapped.
"What? Why?" another boy asked.
"Why do you _think_?" Akane snapped, "Even perverts like Ranma don't like other perverts being perverted at them."
"Who you callin' a pervert tomboy?" Ranma snapped.
"You!" Akane yelled back.
"Shut up!" the PE teacher snapped, "Everyone should be touching your toes, not teasing each other!"
...
"Haha, the tomboy still can't swim?" Ranma asked, while swimming circles around Akane who was floating in an inner tube.
Akane glared, "Shut up Ranma!"
"Really Saotome-kun, it doesn't matter if Akane-chan can swim so long as she looks good in a bathing suit." Yuka said.
Ukyo snorted, "Really? I suppose Akane's hopeless when it comes to the pool then. Ranchan looks much better in a bathing suit."
"Leave her alone Kounji-san!" Sayuri snapped, "You're always picking on Akane-chan, just because you're jealous Saotome-kun lives with her."
Ukyo fumed, Ranma started getting nervous and paddling away from the coming conflict, hoping she wouldn't get further involved.
"Ranma, you like my bathing suit, right?" Akane demanded.
"What?!" Ranma started.
"You like my bathing suit, right?" Akane hissed.
"It's just a plain school one." Ranma pointed out, "It makes you look kinda dorky." she mused.
Akane fumed, "Ranma you jerk!" she splashed at Ranma as she was unable to reach her.
"Hah! That all you got tomboy?" Ranma teased.
"I look better than Akane in a bathing suit, right Ranchan?" Ukyo asked.
"Huh?" Ranma blinked.
"I dunno, Ukyo-san certainly looks more elegant in a bathing suit, but Akane-san is a lot cuter in one." Daisuke said.
Ukyo glared at him.
"It's actually kind of pathetic, onna-Ranma looks better in a swimsuit than _any_ of the girls in our class." Hiroshi said.
All the girls glared at him.
"You guys are idiots." Ranma said, annoyed.
"Answer me Ranchan! I look better in a swimsuit than Akane right?" Ukyo demanded.
"I dunno..." Ranma said nervously, "it's um... really close."
"If only Saotome-kun's curse worked opposite or he was cured." one of the girls said, "Of the boys, he'd probably look the best in swim trunks, and then we wouldn't have the boys constantly comparing us to onna-Ranma."
"Come on Ranma, tell the truth! I'm cuter than Ukyo in a swimsuit, right?" Akane demanded, "Even you're friends think so!"
"Er... I'll figure it out later." Ranma replied awkwardly.
"Why later? We're both in swimsuits now!" Ukyo said, "You're just trying to get out of insulting Akane. She's a big girl, she can take it."
"Don't worry about insulting Ukyo, she deserves it for crashing our wedding and trying to attack with explosives!" Akane said.
"You both say that, but both of you would hit me if I said _you_ were the one who didn't look as good in the swimsuit." Ranma pointed out angrily.
"What abusive relationships."
"Yeah, Akane-san and Ukyo-san both get jealous way to easily."
"Not that Ranma-san really deserves better with all the trouble he causes."
Ukyo frowned in thought, then her eyes lit up, "Will you be able to tell us later after you've changed back?"
"Sure!" Ranma replied.
Ukyo gasped, causing everyone to turn to her.
"What did I say?" Ranma asked nervously.
Ukyo seemed dumbstruck, and was twitching oddly.
"Wait a sec, why would you be able to tell only once you've changed back to a guy?" Sayuri said, "Unless you only like girls in your male form."
"What?" Ranma demanded.
"You like boys in girl form? Why didn't you tell us?" one boy asked.
"What?! No!" Ranma screeched, "That's gross!"
"So you like girls when you're a girl?" Yuka asked.
"No way! That's wrong!" Ranma said, "I don't like anyone like this!" she insisted, starting to look panicky.
"There's noting wrong with you liking girls." Sayuri said, "After all, you're really a boy."
"Can't you all just leave me alone?" Ranma demanded.
"No," Akane said, "you're always being a jerk, so you deserve it!"

[DCG]

So when does shampoo drop in out of the sky in a bikini?

[musasabi]

Canon Ranma seems actually to downplay his ablities with regards to martial arts. If you look e.g. at arriving at Tendo's for the first time. Ranma "does a little kempo", and usually uses just the amount of force needed.